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Friendship Coaches? For Kids? For Real?
Filed under: Opinions
No more best friends! Get them out of your kid's life now! Hurry!
That's what a new cadre of crazy, creepy child psychologists is recommending for our children's emotional health. So, at summer camps, they're separating the kids who finally find their kindred spirits. At schools, they're breaking up the kids who look forward to eating lunch together. And if you want to throw up your own lunch, readers, get a load of the new profession that's springing up: "Friendship coaches," to teach kids how to be friends the RIGHT WAY.
That way seems to be a Stepford-like smile for any and every classmate, with absolutely no special someone to hide in the tree with, or talk to about pesky little brothers or lean on when the folks say they're splitting up.
Goodbye, secret sharing. Hello, status update.
"Parents sometimes say, 'Johnny needs that one special friend.' We say he doesn't need a best friend," Christine Laycob, the director of counseling at a couple of private schools in St. Louis, Missouri told The New York Times. "We try to ... get them to have big groups of friends and not be so possessive."
"Possessive" being about the grimmest possible way to describe what a lot of us consider the greatest part of childhood -- and adulthood: having a friend to count on. As my friend Leslie puts it about her own three best friends: "We've been there through dating, boyfriends, weddings, babies, heartbreak, deaths, you name it." Her friends are a godsend. And whenever her husband doesn't understand her, "I go to my girls for support. It makes me a better wife and mother."
Which is the whole point: Friendship makes us better, not worse. But like everything worthwhile in life, it is not always perfect. And now the professional fretters have decided kids can't handle a friend who turns on them (I had two of those!), or the pain of being rejected by a pair of friends who don't want a third wheel. I dealt with that, too! I cried. I raged. I used a lot of exclamation points in my diary! What I did not do was end up emotionally crippled for life!!
These "Friendship Coaches" buy into the current belief that kids can't handle any adversity. Kid loses a soccer game? Give 'em a trophy anyway. Kid's friend says, "You're not my friend anymore?" Send in the grief counselors with a five-part friendship plan.
Except ... our kids don't need that. Never did. They need us to hug them when they're sad, and maybe give them a bowl of ice cream. But they need to make -- and remake -- their friendships on their own. It's not so hard: A friend is someone who likes you.
Not someone the Friendship Coach told you to like.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
6-22-2010 @ 12:08PM
LS said...Somewhere in that article, it was pointed out that a big reason for this ridiculous new trend is the prevention of bullying and 'mean girls'. Here's a thought: how about dealing with the bullies and the mean girls DIRECTLY? When someone bullies someone else, don't sit them down and have a touch-feely talk with them... impose consequences that are harsh and meaningful. The FIRST time, none of this three-strikes garbage. Kids need firm boundaries. And then they need plenty of room to roam and knock into each other and help each other up within those boundaries.
This bs about breaking up close friendships because if bullying is a load of crap. It's one more example of giving in to the bullies.
And if you REALLY want to follow my conspiracy trail, try this on for size... we are in a period where the government is encouraging more and more dependence upon it. Healthcare - talk to the government. Don't have a job - talk to the government. Need a house - talk to the government. More and more dependence with every issue, with every hardship. Now, we're introducing that concept as early as we can. Need a friend? You are not capable of making one on your own, you must be separated from that one, and the school (government) will find a more suitable group for you. No close friendships. Such a brave, new world!!
Reply
6-23-2010 @ 11:54AM
pentamom said...LS, you can't be serious. Actually deal with the kids who are causing actual problems, instead of fearing friendship and making kids feel uncomfortable for having close friends? That makes WAY too much sense ever to work.
7-07-2010 @ 4:42AM
TSNanny said...Let's see...bullying...I remember that! I was the prime canditate for harsh words, balled fists, and nasty looks during my middle school days. When I finally mustered up the courage to say something to the teacher or counselor, the "mean girls" would be told, "You can't pick on her anymore," or, "This is not OK." Really? But were they told WHY it wasn't OK? Absolutely not. It just might take too much time to actually sit a child down and remind him/her that the person they are hurting is still a human being, just like they are. I would always hear counselors, teachers, and even my mother say, "Just ignore them." THIS is completely backwards. I say, tell the BULLY to ignore the one they're bullying! If they don't like the way someone talks or dresses or eats, or the way they do their hair, they can just ignore it. It's much easier to ignore someone's lazy eye or goofy hair style than it is to ignore someone yelling in your face or smashing your head into the ground.
Oh yes, about those close friends Ms. Christine Laycob says we should not allow our children to have: if I didn't have a best friend or two in middle school to share my problems with, I would not have survived. One person that knows me inside and out and will hold my hand in the face of danger is more precious to me than a group of people that might not all understand what it's like to be me.
6-22-2010 @ 12:22PM
Katheryn said...I completely agree with all of LS comments. Nothing needs to be added.
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6-22-2010 @ 1:52PM
SKL said...LS, it's so funny, you said almost the same thing I said on Lenore's site!
I will add that this idea is DANGEROUS. Seeing a relationship through from start to finish is an essential human experience. You can't keep interrupting things that need to run their course, or growth will be inhibited. If a child eats more fat than we consider optimal, do we induce vomiting? Do we wake our kids at the onset of REM, lest they have a nightmare? Interrupting and trying to "manage" a relationship is no less damaging.
If a child wants to make friends but lacks the skills, it's time to focus on helping that child. (Note I said "if she wants to," not "if you think she should want to.") Some people are happier with fewer human interactions, and that is OK!
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6-22-2010 @ 8:14PM
Alicia said...I read the comments on the New York Times article and people there think this is OK because girls are mean to one another? I was viciously tormented through middle school by former best friends, but I'd never sacrifice a moment of our elementary school days to have avoided it and in the end, their torment lead me to a group of 7 beautiful girls who I am still best friends with 8 years later. And I know I'd never have survived without my girls.
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6-22-2010 @ 9:05PM
Christine said...From Christine Laycob:
I was quoted in an article on the cover of the Style Section of the New York Times on Thursday, June 17, 2010 entitled “A Best Friend? You Must be Kidding” by Hillary Stout. Ms. Stout used two unrelated quotes from my 30-minute discussion with her in February 2010 to come across as if I advocated against the concept of best friends in middle school and high school. The topic of best friends was not the focus of the interview; it was addressed as part of a general discussion about the different aspects of a middle school counselor’s duties.
During my interview, I told Ms. Stout there is nothing wrong with middle and high school students having best friends. To the contrary, strong bonds between best friends can last a lifetime. I do not discourage or intrude upon best friend relationships – I recommend to parents that they work with their children on how to avoid “toxic” or “overly possessive” best friendships, where, for example, a friend might say “You’re my best friend so you cannot be friends with anyone else but me!”
Parents often contact me when they are concerned their children lack a best friend. I reassure them that it is perfectly normal for students to have groups of friends and that the absence of a best friend is not a cause for concern. I do not think my role is to find best friends for students, nor is my role to break up such bonds amongst students. As a school counselor, I encourage students to engage in all such friendships that have a positive impact on their middle school years.
This describes my brief discussion with Ms. Stout relating to “best friends”. Please understand only a small portion of my comments were actually used in the article, and they were used by Ms. Stout specifically to create the slant and argument Ms. Stout desired.
Christine Laycob
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6-28-2010 @ 10:13PM
culdesachero said...Christine, it doesn't surprise me that someone in the media took your comments out of context to embellish her story. There seems to be an abundance of ambitious, young reporters determined to create stories where there really are none by stirring up controversy.
7-07-2010 @ 5:48AM
Andrea Payne said...I would like to thank you for taking the time to very specifically correct your statements that were misconstrued. Even more so, thank you for explaining your true 'stand' on the issue... I have been continually speechless by some of the blatant discrepencies I've come across as I jumped from thread to thread and post to post... but more so from the lack of anyone saying "Whoa. Whoa. Waitaminute." So - thank you...
My opinion on this? It's from the 'mistakes' we make in middle, and even high, school that teach us what we need to know to sustain relationships in adulthood. Every best friend or boy friend that lasted 2 days or 2 weeks (or even 2 hours with one boy whom I was going to love for the rest of my life..LOL) taught me something that I've needed to know as an adult... wife, and mother of four (3 of whom I birthed). It's the natural occurence of life...
6-24-2010 @ 5:11PM
Tracie said...This reminds me of a lot of zero-tolerance stuff we do that penalizes all the good kids more than the bad. The no-weapons ban doesn't scare the kids who would actually bring weapons to school - it just makes it so the kid who jokingly points his finger at his friend on the playground gets suspended. The no-drugs ban doesn't keep the stoners from lighting up - it just makes it so the girl who pops an Advil to deal with menstrual cramps ended up with detention. The city-wide curfew for under-18s doesn't stop delinquency - it just keeps the rule-following kids home when they could be out having rule-following fun with their other rule-following friends.
So sure, why not outlaw best friends? It won't do anything to curb the mean girls, and I can't help picturing sad fourth grade girls casting looks of longing across the playground at each other after they've been separated for spending too much time together, but a one-size-fits-nobody policy is easy to enforce, right?
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7-26-2010 @ 11:42AM
Katya said...First off let me say that I love most of what Lenore has to say, and I'm a big supporter of Free-Range kids. That being said, I've only heard of friendship coaches for kids with special needs, in particular those on the Autism spectrum. Friendship coaches for such children can be a WONDERFUL gift. Can you imagine wanting to make friends but having a hard time understanding proper social interaction? I've seen friendship coaches work wonders in such situations!
It could well be that they're now being dragged into much less complicated social interaction, but even then I'm not sure I entirely disagree. ln my experience working with children with special needs, the role of friendship coach isn't to regulate every interaction, but to model positive behavior and to better help the child understand his or her own desires and goals when it comes to friendship, and how to communicate those desires to other children clearly.
I do believe that all these "bullying" worries are way overblown and stifling to children's development. However, friendship coaches might just be the positive middle ground for both sides of this argument! They can help children learn how to handle tough social situations on their own without having to drag out the zero-tolerance nonsense.
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8-31-2010 @ 6:23PM
Sloppy said..."A friend is someone who likes you"
Thankyou Parentdish for clearing that one up for me, Only the brains behind ParentDish could i trust to help me out on such an issue.
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