Your Baby's Name Is Not a Battleground

by The Name Lady (Subscribe to The Name Lady's posts) Jun 24th 2010 11:00AM

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Last time, I wrote about the desperate need for baby name manners among strangers. Today, I'd like to bring that closer to home. The most heated -- and saddest -- baby name conflicts I hear about happen within families.

Name choices are personal and powerful. They can strengthen bonds, but they can also drive wedges. When broader family conflicts are at work, they can even be used as weapons. The deeper problems are far beyond the scope of a baby name column. But within my name realm, I make this plea to parents: Whatever your family issues may be, please, never put your baby's name in the middle of them.

Every child deserves a name given in the spirit of love, one that will build bridges, not burn them. It's not fair for an innocent child to grow up with her name standing as a symbol of resentment. It's not responsible of you, as a parent, to knowingly give her a name that will hurt those around her. And if others do make the mistake of choosing a hurtful name, it's up to all of us grownups to look past the name and accept the child behind it.

Here is a sampling of letters I've received, as a reminder of the effect that callous name choices -- and overreactions to them -- can have. Let's all try to do better. (All names that follow were changed to protect the children's privacy.)

"My husband left me when my baby was 2 months old. Later I discovered that he's living with his affair of many years and he named my daughter after her name. Could I legally change her name? It is an agony to call my baby her name."

"We were in the long process of foster-adopting our 2-year-old daughter Victoria Rose (who had lived with us since she was three days old) when my husband's brother and his wife gave birth to their daughter and decided to name her Victorya Rose. Since the fathers are brothers, our girls have the same last names, too. My mother-in-law said she didn't intercede on our behalf because the newest granddaughter was 'blood related' and 'we weren't sure if you were keeping her.'"

"My sister had a child named Matthew. My friend started seeing my ex brother-in-law. She got pregnant and my ex brother-in-law did not marry her. She knew my sister had a Matthew with the same guy but she had the baby and named him Matthew. So now we have half brothers with the same name!"

"I had picked out my baby's name first. She was born one month before my cousin's. She named her baby the same name. I was angry and foolish. My cousin died shortly after, and her baby girl was left with no mom at the age of 4. I felt so guilty for being so petty."
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Related: I Gave My Baby the Wrong Name!

Comments (118)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 6)

Sunday 6-25-2010 @ 2:17PM

Wow - those are some really rotten stories of how insensitive people can be. I mean, to name your daughter after the mistress you've been having an affair with for years totally takes the cake! Stealing someone elses name for their child is nothing new and is done all the time. But the callousness of some people never, ever ceases to amaze me. Thank God I have never experienced any of the above mentioned stories!

Simzee 6-25-2010 @ 2:55PM

It's a good thing my parents never named me. (they only had one boys name for me.) Actually, they did'nt even want me. Nice parents.

Susy 6-25-2010 @ 4:05PM

Winston Churchill's mother, Jennie Jerome, was named after her father's mistress. The father chose her name - he was sleeping with Jenny Lind, a famous 19th century singer. Seems like that scam has been going on for a loooong time...

Cyn 6-25-2010 @ 4:44PM

I think having the same name as your cousin isn't such a big deal. Growing up, I had the EXACT same name as my cousin! (I was named when the families were out of touch, and no one knew we had the same name... both parents just happened to pick the same first name, and both of our middle names were after our grandmother. Of course, being cousins, we share the same last name too.) We actually thought it was pretty neat to have the same name and it never bothered us in the least. I think parents take "possession" of a name far too seriously!! Relax... your child will be who they are, and their child will be who THEY are.... and, eventually, their names will mean completely different things to people, even though they are the same. :)

en 6-25-2010 @ 6:24PM

i worked in several pharmacies throughout my college years... and it is completely ridiculous what some people come up with to name their children... i once came across twins named (i kid you not) lemonjello and orangejello... seriously... ... i nearly fell out...

terri 6-25-2010 @ 2:30PM

i agree that names are powerful and should be given in love.i wish everyone had enough brains to do this.as a nurse for an insurance company i would review charts at the hospital.when a baby was born i would get the vital stats on the child to place in the mother's records.one morning on my rounds i was unable to locate a mother's chart,i asked the nurse caring for the patient if she had the chart.she quickly replied " did you see what she named her baby"?" no" i replied.well she opened the chart to show me the name.i almost died....the name was spelled Shithead.....pronounced Shee Thead......what the heck kinda life is that child gonna have.everyone will ALWAYS mispronounce the name.

fiona 6-25-2010 @ 2:49PM

Geesh! Terrible thing...I hope his last name isn't Focker.

kira 6-25-2010 @ 4:12PM

i don't know if this is the same story i heard but apparently where i live there is a boy named this but his mom doesn't call him she thead. and so his teachers starting calling him she thead because they refused to call him his real name.

Kathy314 6-25-2010 @ 5:21PM

I have been in OB for over 25 years and I have heard it all. Not only have I heard Shithead (She-theed), I have heard Urine (U-ree-ne), Vagina (Va-geena) and also had a patient whose little girls middle name was Marijuana (Mary-ju-wana). There was also a case in Florida in the 80s where the state refused to allow a couple to name their twins Syphillis & Gonorrhea. UNBELIEVABLE BUT TRUE!!! Some people want to be so differerent it is ridiculous. I have also had some one make up a name and ask me how to spell it, I told them they were on their own, I didn't want to be responsible for that. These people need to think of the kids and the repercussions on the child and his/her self esteem, that is what love is all about. IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM AND THE LIMELIGHT!

Felicia 6-25-2010 @ 8:17PM

This is hysterical!!! I cannot stop laughing and tears are running down my face. I worked at a school in Brooklyn, New York. One little girl was named Bigina, but it was pronounced like the anatomy of a woman ... enough said! What was her mother thinking?

Mary Hopkins 6-25-2010 @ 2:45PM

Both of my parents lost their Mom's when they were very young 3 and 10 respectively. mom the 3 yr. old grew up as a slave in some one elses family. She had such hurt not having a Mom. My dad's Mom was poisoned when he was ten she was a gambler and they hated her winning. He was angry about losing his Mom. I was given both of these Mother's names and neither parent ever bonded or loved me. Never a kind word or any act or love or care. I grew up as the slave of the house for my parents and syblings. My syblings never learned to see me as their Sister so I have no actual family. In over 39 years they never call to see if I am living , sick or anything I have to do all the calling. The only time I hear from them is if they want to use me for something. When I was brutally raped at gun point they simply denied it ever happened and cut off all contact with me.

My niece named her daughter after my daughter I felt it was an honor nothing to be angry at. At my oldest sister funeral my youngest Sister found out that I was the most favored Aunt of the nieces and nephews she then decided she would vie for that position. How sick can one get.

aimbkj1 6-25-2010 @ 2:50PM

I have one for ya...my Daughter is pregnant w/ her first & her Father-n-law called to see what name they are thinking of & she said that she is goin' w/ the name Olivia. Well, he informed her that he & his current wife decided to adopt a baby girl & her name is Olivia. My Daughter is heartbroken.

SnoWhtNotQQn 6-25-2010 @ 4:03PM

I think your daughter should still name her baby Olivia if thats what she had her heart set on..no since of being broken hearted over it., By the my daughter's name is Olivia Rose. It is a beautiful name . Good luck!!

KDD 6-25-2010 @ 4:12PM

Olivianna. ; )

Lindsay 6-25-2010 @ 4:26PM

My daughters name is Alivia, my other daughter who was just 6 yrs old, said when I was pregnant that she liked the name Alivia, I said Olivia she said NO, with an 'A'. I liked that suggestion so we went with Alivia Ireland...feel free to suggest it to her>

HEMANJP1 6-25-2010 @ 4:43PM

Name her Alivia.. you can call her Allie

Janet 6-25-2010 @ 5:11PM

Really, that is ok, you will see. A friend and I had the same name picked for our babies, she had her baby early, I swear she did it on purpose. Then called to see if Id had my baby. I hadnt and he was a boy and I couldnt have named him that name anyway so all worked out, but we somehow lost touch anyway. When my siblings married, some spouses had the same name as my siblings, first and last sometimes. It was actually fun. We specified middle names on holiday gifts. My sisters boyfriend snuck his moms middle name in my nieces name, and there have been some crazy ways of getting babies names snuck in without the whys. My sister names the three girls all similar names but hadnt even realized how mixed up it was, she had reasons for doing each name though. My husband and son have the same first name and my daughter marries a guy whos last name was that. After they had children there were so many people with that name! Imitation is the best kind of flattery. Almost no name you pick out will be only your childs. If someone picks the same first name, get a fantastic middle name for your baby. My idea is for people using all the popular names, find a really old name, they sound so cool together.