WATCH: Oh, Kmart!
Pamela Poole: Talk About a Choking Hazard! What I Never Expected to…
Your Baby's Name Is Not a Battleground
Filed under: Relatives, Baby Names
Last time, I wrote about the desperate need for baby name manners among strangers. Today, I'd like to bring that closer to home. The most heated -- and saddest -- baby name conflicts I hear about happen within families.
Name choices are personal and powerful. They can strengthen bonds, but they can also drive wedges. When broader family conflicts are at work, they can even be used as weapons. The deeper problems are far beyond the scope of a baby name column. But within my name realm, I make this plea to parents: Whatever your family issues may be, please, never put your baby's name in the middle of them.
Every child deserves a name given in the spirit of love, one that will build bridges, not burn them. It's not fair for an innocent child to grow up with her name standing as a symbol of resentment. It's not responsible of you, as a parent, to knowingly give her a name that will hurt those around her. And if others do make the mistake of choosing a hurtful name, it's up to all of us grownups to look past the name and accept the child behind it.
Here is a sampling of letters I've received, as a reminder of the effect that callous name choices -- and overreactions to them -- can have. Let's all try to do better. (All names that follow were changed to protect the children's privacy.)
"My husband left me when my baby was 2 months old. Later I discovered that he's living with his affair of many years and he named my daughter after her name. Could I legally change her name? It is an agony to call my baby her name."
"We were in the long process of foster-adopting our 2-year-old daughter Victoria Rose (who had lived with us since she was three days old) when my husband's brother and his wife gave birth to their daughter and decided to name her Victorya Rose. Since the fathers are brothers, our girls have the same last names, too. My mother-in-law said she didn't intercede on our behalf because the newest granddaughter was 'blood related' and 'we weren't sure if you were keeping her.'"
"My sister had a child named Matthew. My friend started seeing my ex brother-in-law. She got pregnant and my ex brother-in-law did not marry her. She knew my sister had a Matthew with the same guy but she had the baby and named him Matthew. So now we have half brothers with the same name!"
"I had picked out my baby's name first. She was born one month before my cousin's. She named her baby the same name. I was angry and foolish. My cousin died shortly after, and her baby girl was left with no mom at the age of 4. I felt so guilty for being so petty."
Share
If you have a baby name question of your own, Ask the Name Lady.
Related: I Gave My Baby the Wrong Name!
Your<span>Voice</span>
Ask Us Anything About Parenting
Recently Asked
- Why should anyone listen to a _____, what makes her an expert? Harpo is jus an actress, all she does is sit on her tush & claim she knows it all. ...
- Cant upload foia for federal election commission primary election results or general for derian douglas hickman or the e-mail
- What's the penalty for falsley claiming relation to a person does it have to be for monetary gain or proven not just a social gesture
RelatedVideos
-
Reproductive Doctor: Couples Shouldn't Go Into Debt Over Infertility
Infertility treatments are covered in only a fraction of insurance plans across America. Unfortunately, an infertile couple's job situation and geographic location can end up having a huge effect on the future of their family. Guest Dr. Sami David MD joins us to discuss.
-
Pregnancy Do's and Don'ts: Tips for a Healthy Pregnancy
Get Julieanna Hever's tips for what you should do and not do while pregnant.
-
Hilary Duff Opens Up About Motherhood
Becoming a mother for the first time certainly has its challenges. Celebrity Hilary Duff shares her tips for the first year of motherhood as the spokesmom for Johnson Baby Cares. The organization's initiative “Save The Children” provides resources and support for first-time mothers who need assistance, as they deal with the new experiences of parenting.
-
Top Pregnancy Mythbusters
Dr. Holly and Dr. Grace Lau from NYU Langone Medical Center debunk the most common myths about pregnancy.
SitesWeLove
- Site Map
- |
- Staff
- |
- Terms of Service
- |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Trademarks
- |
- Advertise With Us
- |
- About Our Ads
- |
- AOL Downloads
- |
- Contact Us
- |
© Copyright 2012 AOL Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Aol Family
ReaderComments (Page 4 of 6)
6-25-2010 @ 4:43PM
Lindsay said...True story, my mothers maiden name was pronounced the same as my fathers last name, just one E changed the spelling, I had 2 uncle Doug's, & my blood sister & step sister are both Tina Marie!
Reply
6-25-2010 @ 5:23PM
kbrockman314 said...James is very big in our family. My dad was James (called Jim), my brother is James ( called Jim or Jimmy), his son is James (called James - Baby James as a child).One of my sisters married a James (called Big James) & had a son named James (called James or Little James). No one really had a problem with it as & everyone realized they had a right to name their sons after the dads if they wanted. Now we live all over so their is no problem. When I had my daughter I wanted to name her Sara but had a friend at the time who named her daughter Sara and I felt I couldn't do it. Really it was stupid because I moved and haven't seen her in 20 years. It's ok because my daughter says she likes Katie better than Sara. IF YOU LIKE A NAME, USE IT AND IF ANYONE STEALS IT OR HAS A PROBLEM WITH IT - JUST REMIND THEM DO NOT OWN THE NAME. ALTHOUGH THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE ALL OF THE SAD STORIES OF SPITE I READ HERE. REMEMBER IT IS ABOUT THE CHILD AND THEIR SELF ESTEEM & INDIVIDUALITY!
6-25-2010 @ 4:45PM
jj said...I have a friend ( a male) whose mother, walked in on her husband having an affair in her own bed. She gave birth that day to her son (my friend). She named this boy Shannon after the woman her husband was having sex with. So her husband would never forget that she caught him in the act. It is awful to catch someone cheating on you, but to take it out on a child and saddle them with name that they must then carry for the rest of their lives is cruel to say the least.
Reply
6-25-2010 @ 4:46PM
kris said...It really bugs me that people (mostly women) are like that! I go out of my way to make sure that my kids have names that are not very common and more than once they have been stolen. My son who is nine is named Corbin, we live in a very rural community and no one had that name. In preschool I had the hardest time getting him to go every day. He would cry becuse one of the younger kids was named Korben, and he said the teachers had another Corbin and didn't need him anymore.
Years and years before we decided to have another child we picked out our favorite girl name it was Parker Sydney, a year later my sister had a baby girl and named her Sydney, so we picked a new name- Amile, and a year later my sister in law named her daughter Emmy Lee. Our daughter who is now 2 is named Saturn. Please don't steal it!
Reply
6-25-2010 @ 5:24PM
Anne Marie said...Grow up. do you really think people are stealing your names? You have an over inflated sense of self.
6-25-2010 @ 5:04PM
Maureen said...To quote Shakespeare: What's in name, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Reply
6-25-2010 @ 4:50PM
Deborah said...I did chooze family names. On my mothers side. I have NO LOVE Loss for anyone on my dads side. They were abusive to my dad, and practiaclly ignored my brothers and I. I always said that if I had a little girl, I would name her after my grandmother. but I was having a hard time coming up with a middle name. When my mom suggested my great grandmothers name which I never knew..it fit perfectly...when my mom casually suggested adding her name as well..I said NO WAY...but when I rearranged the names a bit..it also fit perfect. My mom AGAIN..had another idea..and thru in a nick name..yep..it fit too...My daughters name..it very old fashioned, but very unique...Sandra Mary-Margaret...She is named after all of the matriarchs(sp) in the family..and just so she could be her own person...we thru in a MOLLY. No one in her class shared a name with her( I had 8 Debbies in my class..LOL)we have run into plenty of DOGS named Molly over the years..but we all think its cute!! My son has all family names as well....Old fashioned...yet Unique...but instead of giving him the full middle and third name..I gave him initials...makes it easier for when he is an adult...
Reply
6-25-2010 @ 4:49PM
kathe brown said...why do parents wait until they are dying to make
amends with their loved ones?
Reply
6-25-2010 @ 4:50PM
Me said...I know a woman who named her son Semen. Imagine him in sex ed learning about semen for the first time. Poor kid.... What's worse, he has an older sister named Semeni. I just don't get why a person would do that to their child.
Reply
6-25-2010 @ 5:45PM
brianna said...My boyfriend and his cousin have th same name, except for their middle names. They are both named after thier grandfather. They also both work as mechanics in the same garage and there was a big confusion when we all went on a cruise with his cousin's father who also has the same name!
Reply
6-25-2010 @ 4:56PM
Nina said...We had baby name challenges. Traditions in both families were to use names from each side of parent's ancestors. Both our mother's names did not seem to us to blend well for girls living thru schools and into the 21st century without harm. Thus we decided to keep my husband's initials and give each daughter their own names. Now, years later, both adult daughters like and agree with us. We kept atmosphere more peace-filled within our extended family.
Reply
6-25-2010 @ 4:59PM
Laura said...I've actually dealt with this myself. When my husband and I named our daughter Jasolyn we didn't realize that his brother's one daughter was named Jocelyn and they call her Josie (Like the Pussycats) for short.
So my father-in-law and step-mother-in-law have now gotten in the habit of calling her JJ (First two initials of her name) instead of Jasolyn or Jasy. We're quiet happy with it and it didn't cause any drama in the family.
Reply
6-25-2010 @ 5:01PM
Richard said...The only possible solution is name a child with a number like the month, day, year, and time born added with a 3 diget number selected at randon. End of problem.
Reply
6-25-2010 @ 5:07PM
Jennie said...It's sad indeed that some people don't have enough sense to realize that it's a human being that they are giving a name to and not some animal or sitcom. In our family we do alot of family geneology and it gets quite hard to figure out who's with whom and are they twins or not because of thier names. We've had to do alot of hard research to find out if they are or not. Just keep in mind of geneology as well, please. You may end up linked to someone that's not related to you.
Reply
6-25-2010 @ 5:05PM
ironwkr4t said...For the first 15 yrs of my life I thought my name was SHUTUP STUPID, because thats the only thing my father ever said to me.
then after I developed a very lucrative software company he all of a sudden started calling me sonny boy and #1 son......hmm I never could figure that one out.
Reply
6-25-2010 @ 7:13PM
Heather said...My niece whom is now 1yrs old is named Aurora Madison. Before she was born my brother wanted to name her Aurora, Paige or Madison. My ex sister in law is a Harry Potter fanatic and wanted to name her Hermione Nimphadora. My ex sister in law family hates Aurora, they call her Rory, but I am so very happy that they didnt go with the name she wanted.
People need to realize that they may think a name is cute becasue it was in a movie or sounds cool like my cousins middle names Rain and Storm. In the long run though they'll end up being made fun of because eventually kids do find out eachother's middle names. Just remember that you dont want your child to be picked on because of your selfishness
Reply
6-25-2010 @ 5:48PM
Ana said...I have three sons and my sister inlaw has 3 son. All her children werde born about three months earlie. My 1st son I had a great name and of course telling everyone. She named her child this name even though it was after my father. She got what she wanted i changed my sons name. We were pregnant again together. Again took my name. Now are thrd child. I told my sisters and husband what I was going to do, because no one believed me. , I wanted Cruz. but I told her a fake name that really stunk. Well there she goes and name her baby this ugly name. I finally got the name I wanted. I felt bad afterwards I slumped to her level. poor little Elvert.
Reply
6-25-2010 @ 5:15PM
TRACEY said...The last story pretty much says it all-stop being so petty over names!
Reply
6-25-2010 @ 5:16PM
sunny said...Isn't there an old wives' tale about it being very bad luck to "name " the baby before it is born??
Methinks there might be something to it:
Prime example Scott Peterson, Laci Peterson & "Connor" Peterson.
Baaaaad Juju.
Reply
6-25-2010 @ 5:28PM
Kristen said...I was a baby in the center of a name conflict, it sucks. I was born on Christmas Day, so my parents decided to name me Kristen [two reasons behind that being the meaning of the name and that my cousin was born 3 weeks before me and had been given the name my parents originally wanted for me]. My maternal grandfather felt this name had too much religious meaning and fought with both of my parents about it, especially my father. Their relationship to this day is still very strained.
Reply