Your Baby's Name Is Not a Battleground

by The Name Lady (Subscribe to The Name Lady's posts)
Jun 24th 2010 11:00AM

Last time, I wrote about the desperate need for baby name manners among strangers. Today, I'd like to bring that closer to home. The most heated -- and saddest -- baby name conflicts I hear about happen within families.

Name choices are personal and powerful. They can strengthen bonds, but they can also drive wedges. When broader family conflicts are at work, they can even be used as weapons. The deeper problems are far beyond the scope of a baby name column. But within my name realm, I make this plea to parents: Whatever your family issues may be, please, never put your baby's name in the middle of them.

Every child deserves a name given in the spirit of love, one that will build bridges, not burn them. It's not fair for an innocent child to grow up with her name standing as a symbol of resentment. It's not responsible of you, as a parent, to knowingly give her a name that will hurt those around her. And if others do make the mistake of choosing a hurtful name, it's up to all of us grownups to look past the name and accept the child behind it.

Here is a sampling of letters I've received, as a reminder of the effect that callous name choices -- and overreactions to them -- can have. Let's all try to do better. (All names that follow were changed to protect the children's privacy.)

"My husband left me when my baby was 2 months old. Later I discovered that he's living with his affair of many years and he named my daughter after her name. Could I legally change her name? It is an agony to call my baby her name."

"We were in the long process of foster-adopting our 2-year-old daughter Victoria Rose (who had lived with us since she was three days old) when my husband's brother and his wife gave birth to their daughter and decided to name her Victorya Rose. Since the fathers are brothers, our girls have the same last names, too. My mother-in-law said she didn't intercede on our behalf because the newest granddaughter was 'blood related' and 'we weren't sure if you were keeping her.'"

"My sister had a child named Matthew. My friend started seeing my ex brother-in-law. She got pregnant and my ex brother-in-law did not marry her. She knew my sister had a Matthew with the same guy but she had the baby and named him Matthew. So now we have half brothers with the same name!"

"I had picked out my baby's name first. She was born one month before my cousin's. She named her baby the same name. I was angry and foolish. My cousin died shortly after, and her baby girl was left with no mom at the age of 4. I felt so guilty for being so petty."
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Related: I Gave My Baby the Wrong Name!

ReaderComments (Page 5 of 6)

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6-25-2010 @ 6:49PM

jaguignon said...

Kristen- Do you hate your name? It's a pretty name with a loving meaning. Don't let your hateful relatives ruin your life on account of your lovely name. Kristen, to be born on the same date as our Lord and Savior, would be an honor above all honors in this life! Feel Blessed!

6-25-2010 @ 5:38PM

shauna said...

My mother named my little sister Codi Lee, only to have my cousin call her all mad b/c that was the name she was going to name her son. So my mother said told her to do it, they have different last names and one is a boy Cody Lee. I think the point is who cares, a name only has the meaning you give to it.

6-25-2010 @ 5:32PM

Sony said...

When I was pregnant with my first born it was confirmed by ultrasound that it would be a boy.I still scribbled some girl names just in case it was a girl. My sister in law at that time (whom was a total copycat) got pregnant immediately afer we broke the news and she would be having a girl. She went as far as to dig in the trash can to retrieve my list of girl names and named her baby girl Ruby which was number one on my list. It bothered me to find out that she went as far as to dig in my trash and i felt sorry for her because her daughter was born with a ruby-colored Hemangioma (blood tumor) on her face.

6-25-2010 @ 5:35PM

Jamie said...

I named my daughter Eleanor, after the sweetest women who used to care for us when we were young and my mom worked. Her middle name was going to be Rose, because both my husband and I have aunts named Rose. Everyone in his family knew of our plan. My baby was born in April. I was beaten to the punch by my sister-in-law who named her baby girl the previous November. She stole Rose from me. It worked out though. Eleanor's middle name is Lucille and we called her Elly Lu or Lulu when she was a baby. She loves her name! In retrospect, naming her Eleanor Rose sounds too much like Eleanore Roosevelt...not that there's anything wrong with that:)

6-25-2010 @ 7:03PM

MamaSchack said...

This reminds me of my own naming. I was named after my grandmother (Julia) and a Uncle on my Dad's side. I had an Aunt that had Grandma's first name but always used her middle name. My aunt had a girl a year or younger than me and named her Julia but she was alway called Judy. Even when she was in school she was called Judy so there was not to much confusion.

My only disappoint is the none of my seven grandchildren (2 girls and 5 boys) have any part of my name. What hurts the most and I know that it is petty is the my youngest used my husband's first name as his oldest boy middle name and his soon to be 3rd son will have my husband's middle name as his middle name.

oh, well such is life maybe the next generation bring a Julia, Ernest,or an Ernestine

6-25-2010 @ 5:40PM

bbuck913 said...

I was named after both my grandmothers (they both had the middle name Elizabeth). Thankfully I was not given their first names - I would have been Christabelle Mabel.

6-25-2010 @ 5:46PM

mariaitaliana33 said...

I would love some opinions here!!! My husband and I loved the name Layla Christine for our "nearly here" baby girl. HOWEVER....after some thought, I remembered that his ex (whom he has 3 boys with) wanted to use the name Layla if they ever had a baby girl. Well, they didn't..and I do like the name..but I feel like I shouldn't go with it because -

#1 I dont want her to get the wrong idea thinking -whatever it may be.

#2 Even tho shes married with 2 more kids with her husband (they had little girls) she's still exhibiting jealousy about him (my husband) moving on and actually getting married and now he's having the baby girl she wanted with him all those years ago. The last thing I want her to think is that he named the baby the name that she picked out for their baby (had they had a girl)

Any thoughts?

6-26-2010 @ 7:28PM

bev said...

Maria: I can certainly understand you not wanting to cause any problems. This is actually up to your husband to see that his x knows her place. This is something you can't do but he can. This should have been done a long time ago. I don't understand why she could possibly think he would name a child you two have after the name she chose. She obviously still doesn't get the idea that your husband has zero interest in her and that again is something your husband has to address with her.

6-25-2010 @ 5:50PM

After reading those stories I feel lucky I didnt have any nutcases in my family doing stupid things like that. There was one story that really got me upset and that is the one about the adoption and the Mother in law saying We werent sure you were going to keep her. I would be having a few words with that woman and if my husband wasn't going to have a few words with his Mom than I would be having a few words with her. From what she said she is obviously a more of a problem than just this issue. Straighten her out before she can cause damage.

6-25-2010 @ 5:51PM

kim said...

My mom was raised in a foster home. Her brothers and sister were also raised in different foster homes around the state. It wasn't until my mother's sister's husband died (or the uncle I never knew), that I found out that they gave their daughter my first and middle name. I'm still not sure how I feel about it to have a cousin nearly my age with my name. I don't even know if my mother ever knew. They did keep in contact once in a while....

6-25-2010 @ 5:57PM

ElkeBeck said...

I don't understand this thing about people "stealing" names. It is not like McDonald's suing anyone who uses "Mac" for trademark infringement. These are names, and as any school teacher will tell you, after the parents carefully sort and polish names to come up with something original, there will be at least 4 other children in school with that name. For your peace of mind, get over the idea of having a legal right to a name just because you think that you came up with it first.

And for those who are developing stomach ulcers from anxiety that the family copycat is going to break into your home and steal your chosen name or the family control freak is going to pitch a fit and make life miserable, choose several truly appalling names and tell everyone that those are the names you are considering. Smile and nod while family weep, wail and wave their hands in the air. Then when you name your child a nice name, everyone will be relieved and much more agreeable. Or, if lying to your loved ones is not your cup of tea, just say that you are still discussing names and ask for their suggestions without telling them yours, then smile and nod and do whatever you please.

7-31-2010 @ 11:25PM

Anne said...

A few thoughts here - when my sister in law #1 was expecting a boy, all she said was that it was a name that could be spelled more than one way - and for some reason someone told me that it could be spelled the same backwards and forwards - all I could think of was Otto! (It wasn't).. then her sister was pregnant at the same time I was, and she decided to use the name my husband picked out, which was the only one he liked. The one I wanted, he didn't like, then my cousin had a baby and named him that, so that was the end of it. Anyway, sister-in-law #2 decided not to use our name when we said we would use it anyway. I love the name too, so it's OK - and there were two of them in his preschool class, even though it's not a really common name. I'm not using the actual names here for privacy reasons..
And I also worked in a psychiatric hospital one time, and some of the names of the patients were so bad - I always wondered if that's what caused their psychiatric problems?

6-25-2010 @ 5:56PM

David S. said...

I cannot believe from some of the comments that there are that many petty people in the world. You should name your child what you want. If parents are forcing you to name any child something you don't want, you have to take a stand. If they love you, they will deal with it. That goes ditto for other family and friends. Good lord, people, there are a billion names out there to choose from. Life is too short for such nonsense.

Maria: Its not your problem on how his x thinks so name your child anything you want and don't give her another thought. If she is jealous because she always wanted a girl then that is her problem to deal with, not yours. Congratulations on your little one coming Ti auguro tanta felicita

6-26-2010 @ 7:15PM

I appreciate your response!! I know my concerns seemed petty to some, but since his ex has (and still does) like to cause conflict and throw attitude around now and then BECAUSE of her jealousy...I was worried that she would think that my husband still had "a thing" for her by naming our baby Layla and that it would encourage drama - but I also feel like I shouldn't make this such an issue either.

Thanks! :)

6-25-2010 @ 5:58PM

Mary said...

If you really love the name, use it. But if you feel that it will cause controversy, then NOW is the time to find something different. There are SO many beautiful names with beautiful meanings.
I was going to call my dd Kelsey, but my SIL named one of her twins something pretty close to it. I found another name I really liked and my dd was born 4 months later, in the month of March. She was due in April, and that's what I called her.

6-25-2010 @ 6:08PM

Laura said...

Years ago, my daughter was working in the materniy ward of a hospital. She came home one day and said she was astonished that a young mother had just named her baby girl "LaTrine" because she "thought it sounded pretty."

6-25-2010 @ 6:28PM

Juice said...

A neighbor named their son Styme, the child was unplanned. They were stymed on how it happened. Well duh! Everyone called him "Sty", and yes, he grew up to be a pig.

6-25-2010 @ 6:32PM

BelleSomnium said...

I think everyone has heard a 'SheTheed' story! It's TERRIBLE, yet, it's quite common to name a child something RIDICULOUS!! My husband is a BIG football fan, and I'm not. One time my husband mentioned something about DICK BUTKUS and I SERIOUSLY couldn't stop laughing for 2 weeks!!! Our daughter's name is Brenna Avery, and our son's name is Jack Koen. We love that our daughter's name is unique, but not so unique that she will be picked on. Our son's name is common, but his middle name isn't. So, if for some reason he doesn't want to be called Jack when he gets older, he can choose to be called Koen. Same with our daughter! My husband has several people in his extended family that have nicknames they go by. You wouldn't ever know their real names unless you came across some legal documentation. Future parents should give their child a name that's fitting and pleases them. But, they also need to put themselves in their child's shoes, and be aware of the embarassment that child will feel for the rest of their life, if they have to repeatedly translate 'SH*THEAD' for people!!!

jones24a said...

my friends grandpa's name is Dick Cole (say it kinda fast and you'll get it) I was also the first person to point this out. I know right, how come nobody else noticed a name like that

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