Has My Ex-Husband's Alcoholism Ruined My Daughter's Life?

JUST BECAUSE YOUR DAD ACTED LIKE A FOOL DOES NOT MEAN EVERYBODY ELSE WILL.
HOPEFULLY HE WILL GET SOME HELP AND BECOME A RESECTFUL DAD IN THE FUTURE.
YOU ARE STILL YOUNG ENOUGH BUT OLD ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND HE HA S A DISEASE AND NEEDS HELP.
KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE AND AND SELF CONFIDENCE. KEEP UP WITH YOUR SPORTS AND ACTIVITIES AND YOU WILL BECOME A BEAUTIFUL WOMEN INSIDE AND OUT....

To A.D. So it is the mothers fault that the man is a drunk!? ARE U KIDDING ME!!?? what if he wasn't when she met him or when she married him?? kind of throws away the ummmm..in sickness and in health part of the vows doesn't it?? of course it is understandable if the man is violent to his family then the mom should separate from him and put her child and her self in a better environment. How can u blame someone for someone else's problem? With a non violent alcoholic, family counseling and some sort of substance abuse counseling should be considered before the breaking up of a family. my father was a non violent, functioning alcoholic and although one can argue how it may or may not have effected me as an adult, I do not nor would i ever blame my mom for the mistakes that my dad made or its effects or lack thereof on me. That is just plain rediculous!

Eh....they are divorced. Did you bother to read the article? Yes, the mother is the primary caregiver and has a responsibility to assure her daughter's well-being. At the end of the day, the father is the alcoholic, not the mother. The girl is 16, more than old enough to understand what is going on with her father. The letter is too brief to know if the mother is appropriately protective, but we can assume so if she is asking for advice.

He is her soon to be ex-husband and she clearly states he has been an alcoholic for many years, their daughter is currently 16 years old... those facts prove she let her daughter be exposed to his alcoholism for an extended period of time. At the end of the day the mother was making the conscious decision to keep herself and her innocent child in that unhealthy environment. Now that the marriage has ended (and it does not state who initiation the dissolution of the marriage) she is attempting some damage control, the need for this damage control would be a lot less if she had done damage prevention by removing herself and her daughter from the situation during any one of the "many years" prior.

i agree with your comments 100|% the mother is as guilty as the father. she should not have stayed in a relationship that would damage her children.

I have to agree with you A.D., because you are correct. At the same time, I can understand why you are catching a negative response for your direct and truthful response. My son married a lovely woman 10 years ago whom we all adored for all of the wonderful qualities she possessed. She had severe post partum depression after their son was born, and went on anti-depressants.
She went from a size 4 to a size 16 within the course of 2 years because of the Ambien her doc prescribed for her when she couldn't sleep, the Valium to calm her down when she couldn't face life, and the Xanax for her anxiety. She obviously has a prescription drug addiction now, thanks to her kind doctor's empathy and understanding. My grandson who's about to turn 5 this month is so stressed out that it's evident to everyone who knows him. My son is almost completely gray at the age of 32. He cares for my grandson, he does all of the cooking, he runs a business, and he cleans the house. He's running himself ragged trying to keep his "family" together that he loves and values so much, so much so that he can't see that his beautiful wife and the mother of his child is now a bonafide junkie who needs treatment if she's ever going to get straight and clear enough to be a competent mother again in her lifetime. His denial about what is truly happening with his wife and the turmoil and toxicity her addiction and her behavior is creating within their family and home everyday, is heartbreaking to me. Everytime I try to talk to him about his responsibility to either force her to get help or kick her to the curb if she won't, he gets furious with me and walks away. Meanwhile I walk on eggshells so I don't push either one of them to the point where they refuse to let me have any further contact with my grandson, because he's only 5 and he's helpless, and he needs me. He is my only concern while they get to the bottom of this.

How do you know he was an alcoholic when she met him?

Alcoholism is a disease but if the man does not find the way to prevent the alcoholism it is not any one's fault but his own. I was married to an alcoholic. I was a stay at home mother working only part-time. My seven year old at the time saw my husband beat me and drink to excess. I had to get the courage to believe that I nor our child deserved to see this. We have been divorced for seven years and I am healthier now than I have ever been and I believe my son saw that mom could do OK. The alcoholic still drinks but since he can hold a job he thinks he is OK and has gone on to another woman who was as needy as I was.

Leukemia isn't something you choose and you can't just decide to try and overcome leukemia. I can't believe you would even compare the too. Alcoholics choose to take that first drink, and succumb to their compulsion to take another one, and another one.

I am tired of people equating alcoholism with fatal cancer. No one chooses to get cancer. Alcoholics have a choice. Unfortunately for this young girl and others stuck with these losers in their life, they are too weak to make the right choice and get help!

Yes, alcoholism is a disease, but unlike leukemia, it is a disease of choice. And those who continue to call it anything but a "disease of choice" are validating the alcoholic's continuation of the disease, giving them more justifiable excuses not to change the behavior and are therefore enablers themselves.
I am the spouse of an alcoholic and am sick and tired of my alcoholic, and "those in the know" reminding me the bad behavior is because of a disease. It is a "habit" plain and simple. A habit that can be overcome if the alcoholic wants to badly enough.
Unfortunately, the collateral damage inflicted upon my family due to the behavior will take a very long time to reverse, if ever.
So, DO NOT compare alcoholism to leukemia or otherwise. It IS NOT the same.

Alcoholism is not a disease like leukemia. Children die of leukemia without ever drinking anything but formula and milk. Old people die of leukemia after living a wholesome and fulfilling life with the best of intentions for everyone they meet, without ever tasting an alcoholic beverage.
Alcoholism is an addiction, just like any other addiction.
Be it alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, love, food, cutting, or setting things on fire, somewhere along the line something happened to the alcoholic, the drug addict, the pimp, the blimp, the hooker, the gambler, the cutter, and the pyromaniac that made them feel better at the time when they did whatever they had to do in order to cope, and survive.

It's a learned pattern of behavior, a comforting thing whenever life isn't going well, and it is treatable, unlike diseases like leukemia that destroy the body. The problem is, most addicts are so accustomed to living their lives with their addictions as they do because this is "normal" for them, that they don't seek the treatment they need. It's too much work to correct a lifetime built on a shoddy design that was not their fault, but is nonetheless their responsibility to correct when they become aware of the harm they have caused to others, and ultimately to themselves.

All addicts should come with a warning label. Any addict in serious recovery....won't be offended.