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Has My Ex-Husband's Alcoholism Ruined My Daughter's Life?
Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Alcohol & Drugs, Social & Emotional Growth: Teens, Expert Advice: Teens, Expert Advice: Home Base
Dear AdviceMama,
My soon to be ex-husband has struggled with alcoholism for many years. My 16-year-old daughter does not want to have any contact with her dad and has nightmares of him showing up drunk and out of control at one of her athletic events. I am worried that she will have trouble trusting people or males in general because of the deceitful environment she has been exposed to. What can I do to help her form healthy relationships?
Signed,
Concerned Mom
Dear Concerned,
Sadly, your daughter is not alone in having been raised in an alcoholic household. According to the National Clearinghouse for Drug and Alcohol Addiction, nearly one in five adult Americans (18 percent) lived with an alcoholic while growing up. There are an estimated 26.8 million children of alcoholics (COAs) in the United States, 11 million of which are under the age of 18.
As much as I wish your daughter's father had chosen the path of recovery, when someone is not committed to dealing with their addiction, there comes a point when you have to take steps on behalf of your own well being. By claiming a healthier life for you and your daughter, you've moved toward helping her build a strong sense of self, which will help her learn to create healthy relationships with others. There are many ways you can further help her develop the ability to trust people, even after what she's been through with her father.
It is true that children of alcoholics may be negatively impacted as they become adults, but it is not true that they are absolutely destined for a life of failed relationships with deceitful people. By teaching your daughter how to listen to her instincts and stand up for her feelings, she will learn to choose connections with trustworthy people who honor and respect her.
Allow your daughter to find and use her authentic voice. Let her speak candidly with you when she expresses sadness, fear or anger without trying to "fix" her pain. Validate her concerns about her dad's unpredictable behavior without attempting to solve her problems with it. By knowing that she can tell you what she's feeling and lean on you for comfort, you will help her move through the grief she needs to process so she can find deep healing from the loss of a reliable, stable father.
I would also check out Alateen for her, a program designed to help adolescents recover from the effects of living with the problem drinking of a relative or friend. Having a safe place among peers to open up about the ill effects of her father's drinking would be very beneficial. Hearing kids her age talk about life with an alcoholic reduces the secretiveness, denial and shame that comes with the disease of alcoholism.
Make sure you also join Al-Anon or another support group to get the help you need as you move through your divorce and into your own recovery. The stronger and healthier you become, the better you'll be able to guide your daughter toward becoming the clear-headed, resilient young woman she can be.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 3)
7-06-2010 @ 7:20PM
Art said...I drink robustly everyday. This pleasure never impaired my responsibilities to my family or employment. Alcoholism became the the new banner of the righteous. Imbibing affects some to the point of dysfunction and shows little effect on others. This is the subtle distinction which is never addressed.
When will we ever learn that one man's pleasure is another man's poison? And further, when will we stop suggesting cures for all men that only applies to some?
Reply
7-06-2010 @ 7:19PM
Bob said...After all this pitty train Ive read does anyone realize that being a psychotherapist requires no formal training WTF this makes me want to get drunk
Reply
7-06-2010 @ 9:26PM
Jimbo said...Maybe instead of leaving him,think about helping him.
Reply
7-07-2010 @ 2:20AM
Andrea Payne said...No one has control over anyone but themselves. Even our children must CHOOSE the right choice. I can tell my 5 year old daughter to either clean her mess up or she's going to her room with no toys for 10 minutes - but she still must CHOOSE to clean up the mess or sit in time-out, which still means she has to clean up the mess after the time - out...
The point to that is you can not control the choices that anyone but yourself make. So the Daddy, the Mama, and the Daughter all have to step back and ask themselves how much power over their lives that they are going to keep giving 'this'...
Since you can't control anyone but yourself - in the long run, what happened or who 'done it' really doesn't mean anything...
What matters - is what you do with it.
Reply
7-07-2010 @ 6:18PM
dave said...Whoa he was only an ALCOHOOLIC because Mom was a cheating whore! She must feel good giving sex to all the fathers in the neighborhood and spending that poor mans money! Sluts like her ruin the family and make good men drink! The daughter should stick antifreeze in Moms coolaid and be done with her.
Reply
7-17-2010 @ 5:36PM
Susan Lewis said...If you try to get your spouse to do something that you want him/her to do, nothing will get accomplished. I know that it sounds very strange, but there is a very important group, "Alanon". Once you start attending those meetings you will learn that it isn't the alcoholic, that you need to change. If you change your behavior, and as they say in the "program", Let Go and let God" It works much more than arguing with a sick person. Chances are, the alcoholic will start working his program, in AA. the alcoholic,drug abuser will notice your behavior has changed, and chances are the person with the problem might change! If not, move on with your life, or ignore the person's behavior. Only the one with the problem can do something about it.
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7-14-2010 @ 8:48PM
bob said...There is a real good chance that mom will likely enable her daughter as much as she enabled her husband. It is hard for her daughter to develop healthy relationships when her parents are enablers. Mom may be trying to "fix" things for her daughter, which is probably a repetitive approach she has taken for many years. Unfortunately, the attempt you utilize to make things better may, in fact, make things worse. Your daughter needs a healthy dialogue with someone who is not trying to make things better but deal with the difficulty of living in a home with an alocholic father and likely, enabling relatives.
Reply
7-15-2010 @ 10:34PM
shelley71john said...I left my drunk, coke addict husband over 3 years ago. He's had a good deal of success in his career and has made some powerful connections. My kids are 14 and 11 and neither one wants to see their Father. He has picked them up at 10:00AM with a bloody mary in hand. You know what the cops tell you? There's nothing they can do but issue a citation. Yep, that's right. His kids have bailed him out of jail numerous times for DUI and he has failed 2 court ordered drug tests (cocaine & amphetamines) What does the family court do? NOTHING! I get blamed for my two, very bright children making a decision not to see him. They are scared of him. My heart goes out to this young lady and mom. Always talk openly to your kids about alcoholism. Children of drunks have a higher rate of falling into the same pattern of addiction. My kids have paid and continue to pay high prices for their fathers inability to "man up", face his demons and get the much needed help he needs. Mom needs to make sure she doesn't fall into the role of co-dependant in another relationship. She needs to teach by example that with hard work, dedication and the will to survive, she can have a beautiful, loving, mutually respectful relationship. Blessings to all :)
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8-31-2010 @ 12:38PM
Minnemom said...Wow. I'm sorry the mom is getting criticized by some of these readers. They don't understand that THERE IS SOMETIMES NOTHING YOU CAN DO and it is so frustrating. I spent my life savings trying to protect my kids from an alcoholic and the courts could have cared less. They were more interested in portraying me as a spiteful, resentful ex who wanted to alienate the kids from their father. They removed all accountability he had for alcohol monitoring and let him off with a slap on the wrist. The police can't do anything if they aren't caught in the act. And what good parent wants their kids to witness a father being arrested? What we need to do is work with our legislators to make alcohol monitoring mandatory for parents with alcohol abuse records--NO EXCEPTIONS.
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9-29-2010 @ 8:35PM
435661` said...It's funny you say he ruined her life.You the other adult stayed married to him and kept your oh so loved daughter seeing her dad drunk over and over.Sorry you are as bad as he is.maybe worse because you were sober and stayed!!!
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