Parents Hate Parenting Because They're Doing it Wrong

by Rachel Campos-Duffy (Subscribe to Rachel Campos-Duffy's posts)
Jul 15th 2010 5:32PM

Filed under: Opinions

Jennifer Senior's recent and much commented on New York Magazine article, "All Joy and No Fun", about why parents hate parenting, caught my attention -- especially since I wrote a book on how to be a happy parent.

According to Senior, the day-to-day grind of parenting sucks and there's plenty of stats to prove it. So why do modern day adults, who have a choice in the matter, put themselves through it? She concludes that it's fear that we might regret not having the parenting experience.

And how does she explain the fact, that despite the dour results of the studies she cites, when asked, parents are decidedly more upbeat about the experience? The mind, she says, plays a "lovely magic trick of the memory," gilding hard times that later provides "intense gratification, nostalgia, delight."

I've been through natural childbirth and there is nothing gilded or lovely about that memory. Unlike natural child birth, parenting and nurturing can be a very pleasurable experience. That too many parents have turned it into a joyless, angst-ridden achievement and an exhaustive competition should not be an indictment on the pleasures of parenting.

Sadly, it's become fashionable to bash parenting and portray those who enjoy it and gain real-time satisfaction from it as intellectually inferior, uninteresting or unsophisticated. To say without irony that you love being a mom, that you think it's fun, is to open yourself up to criticism and suspicion. People quietly wonder whether you're a Stepford wife or worse, they take your maternal contentment as a judgment on them.

Year after year academics roll out study after study telling us how mind numbing and hard (not to mention environmentally detrimental) it is to raise kids. The truth is, parenting is hard. These days, there's less support from extended family, plenty of pitfalls and long hours.

But so what?

What successful CEO, entrepreneur or entertainer hasn't toiled very long, hard hours doing what they love and have passion for? Who among them would tell you that every bit of it was joyous?

For me, the diapers, meals and clean up is the price I pay to do what I want and love to do – be around and enjoy my kids for this fleeting season of my life. In fact, with each added child to our tribe, I've become a happier and more relaxed parent.
Yet with six kids around, I feel no pressure to be their playmate and I certainly have no time for helicopter parenting. Do I occasionally play Barbies? Sure. But I have no problem saying, "No, go play with your sister. I'm reading a book."

Ditto for my guilt-free nights out with my husband. Moreover, with so many kids, I've had no choice but to limit the enrichment activities and I believe we are all happier for it. I'm a firm believer in giving kids the "gift of boredom." Bored kids climb trees, rediscover toys, read books and give Mom and Dad a break.

Studies indicate that today's parents actually spend more time interacting with their kids, so then why do parents report feeling more guilty? Probably because we've redefined "good parenting" and substantially altered the rhythms of family life to include enrichment and sporting activities that end up making us feel rushed and ironically, more disconnected as a family.

What's more bonding? A lazy afternoon at the house with a family meal or driving to hockey tournaments, watching our kids from the bleachers and topping it all off with a drive-through Happy Meal on the way home? Perhaps there would be more time to let those precious childhood moments unfold if we weren't cramming so much "quality time" into our days.

Senior's article begins with a poignant personal story of coming home from work and looking forward to a happy reunion with her young son. Instead, her evening devolves into a tedious battle with her 2-year-old and a wooden toy that needs re-assembling. Like so many other things in life, Senior is facing the gulf between expectations and reality and nothing can be as unpredictable as a toddler at the end of a long day, or more disappointing for a mom who's been craving the peaceful company of her child.

In this case, Senior has fallen prey to the guilt and the pressure to create a certain kind of family experience. It just doesn't work that way and it's not fair on the child either.

It's time for parents to take a page out of our parent's playbook and stop over-thinking this parenting thing. Free up the family calendar. Simplify. Have a family meal. Our parents weren't our playmates, social directors, coaches or chauffeurs. They also did not bring unrealistic notions of "fun" to parenting. Heck, the term "parenting" wasn't even part of the nomenclature back then.

If today's parents hate parenting maybe it's because they're doing it wrong.

Related: More from the homefront with Rachel Campos-Duffy

ReaderComments (Page 2 of 6)

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7-16-2010 @ 11:51AM

Tammy said...

If parents are unhappy being parents it is because they are not being parents. Mostly what I mean by that is that they are working to be there childrens friend. That doesn't happen until adulthood. So come on people show your children you really love them and be their PARENT. Set rules. Apply discipline. Your children will love you for it. :-)

7-16-2010 @ 2:58PM

Alicia said...

I never understand people with your attitude. Why can't you do both? My mother was both my friend and my parent growing up. She knew when to smack me silly and when we could go pal around together. There was never a lack of discipline in my household, but my parents were friends enough to never get away with the "I told you so" thing either. Friendship with your children doesn't exclude discipline and often helps open lines of communication. After all, my mom knew right away when I lost my virginity and the first time I took a sip of alcohol. Was she happy? Probably not, but she knew it would happen eventually and as long as I was telling her, she had the control to make sure I was safe and not being stupid.

7-16-2010 @ 11:54AM

Rachel211 said...

I agree. I read this article and I thought that the best example was of the mom who argued with her kid forever to turn the TV off and do his homework.

Why didn't she just go over and turn the tv off and the minute he tried to put it back in took away his tv privileges for a day or two? Instead she just stood there letting the kid have control of the situation the whole time. Of course this is what the kid does if you never have any consequences and you are just setting yourself up to be miserable. One week of simply getting up, turning the tv off (you keep control of the remote), and not backing down and that kid will get that putting off his homework is not an option. How is that any harder then having an argument with him every day of the week like she said she did?

Most parents are making things WAY harder then they have to be.

7-16-2010 @ 12:23PM

Annemarie said...

Amen to that. When my kids were young I was the parent, they were the children. What their father and I said was law. We had very few problems with them growing up. They are grown now and and I'm proud to say they have grown into very responsible adults who are now our friends. This came from parenting, which is part work/part fun but mostly work (especially in the teen years). Was it rewarding? Yes, and I would do it again the same way.

Discipline is not a four letter word. A lot of parents should realize that and determine who in the family is the parent and who is the child.

7-16-2010 @ 1:53PM

Grandma said...

Then the TV thing got to be a real problem at our house, I just sold the TV.

Most parents (especially the addicted-to-TV-themselves parents) thought it was horrible, actually unthinkable. When we got another one, there were no more problems about TV rules at our house, while in the other families' homes, the battles raged on. And my sons always read more books, etc., after that.

Dr. Kris

7-16-2010 @ 11:57AM

kara said...

I am lucky enough to bring my son with me to my office. We spend so much time together. I wouldn't miss it for anything in the world. I understand that most parents do not get that luxury. But, We own our own small financial services firm. Just the two of us, and him. Watching the imagination, the curiousity, and wonder in his eyes. That is the brightest spot in my world. I tell him a hundred times a day, that I love him, and I don't think there is an hour that goes by without a hug, or a kiss. I really don't understand the people who hate parenting. Ofcourse, there are the days when the kids are grumpy, but, we all have those days. My advice is just to roll with the punches, because life is so short, we might as well smile and appreciate all we have been given, that including our children.
Yesterday, I read a story in Fulton NY where a mother and father were starving their child, and the nineteen month old had ciggerette burns on her butt. I really don't get it. Everyone who has a kid, should give them a big hug as soon as the see them today, and tell them how thankful they are that they were given the chance to raise them. LOL- Kara

7-16-2010 @ 12:06PM

Romi said...

Thanks for this post Rachel. Couldn't agree with you more. Despite offering a place to vent about parenting on my website, truuconfessions.com, my belief as a parent (and professional mission) is to acknowledge the challenges but also relish the joys and triumphs. Poop, throw-up and sleepless nights make the joy of parenting all the more joyous.

Being honest and giving voice to the realities of parenthood has been a good thing but is often translated as boasting about being bad parents. Along with my co-conspirator Ayelet Waldman (and others), our intention wasn't to say we're bad moms because we sometimes have bad thoughts (or complain about diapers, driving, stretch marks). It's to provide a modern look at the very complex job of motherhood!

7-16-2010 @ 12:02PM

Cathie said...

Parenting was a wonderful experience for me...still is! My children are now 24 and 26 years old. I LOVE every secondo of it! Have there been some rough times? You bet. But God gave me these two treasures and we have had a blast together! I wouldn't have missed it for anything. I wanted more children, but health issues prevented more.
As an elementary school teacher, I spent many years with youngsters before having any of my own. Maybe I just love kids! I still enjoy being with them, watching them discover the wonders of the world. Even the mistakes, though difficult, are learning experiences.
Children are God's way of saying life should go on! Enjoy those times together. :)

jmdyt said...

I am a mother and a wife with two school aged children, and I work full-time. I have a graduate degree, and a very fulfilling career. I have traveled the world and interacted with diverse and interesting people. That being said, I consider the greatest honor life will provide me is mothering my children. Watching these little people grow and mature has been a breath taking experience; and I am a better person for it. We've all had uncooperative two-year olds and tantrums in Target, but I truly enjoy the company of my children (when they are good and when they are bad) and miss them when we are a part. Just my opinion . . .

jagfan said...

I had 5 kids and was a working parent. Luckily I also had husband to back me up. There were days I hated being a parent and days I enjoyed it. We had rules and kids had chores. Each kid could have one extra activity 'cause no one was spending every afternoon driving little people around. Yes, we had rebellious teens, but now they say they are glad that we had standards. They are harder on their kids than we were on them.

7-16-2010 @ 12:31PM

Mikaylah said...

I think the article proves a good point, I also think Jamie is one that just likes to argue. She is letting people know that parenting is NOT fun all the time, but having a "bad parenting day" and HATING parenting are two very different things. She uses these examples of boredom and time to herself to let people know she is not some super Mom that has the time and energy to be totally absorbed by her kids. People want to be able to relate to someone, which is all she is providing by talking about date nights, and book reading. The only point being proven in this article is allow yourself to live your life, don't force your kids into activities that ultimately take time away from everyone in the family to keep them "busy" and then complain that although it may enjoyable to watch them in their gymnastics class, they are not interacting with you on any level and you are losing quality time your family could be spending having a simple family meal, or playing a bored game.

7-16-2010 @ 12:48PM

Jamie said...

Mikaylah - just because someone has a different opinion than yours does not mean "they just like to argue". If that were the case I could write off your comments as just being "argumentative".

Beth - well said!!!

7-16-2010 @ 1:01PM

Argumentative people take a piece of something and try to use it to their advantage instead of looking at the whole picture to see what the point of the example was (I'm Italian and KNOW what it's like to be around people like this all day) My point in saying that was you take a piece of it and say she hate parenting and is proving the article to be correct. When in fact all she is saying is not every aspect is going to be "all fun" and the more you put on the calender the less enjoyable it will be for you. By putting in examples of how she raises her children, in giving herself time to read, or taking an occasional date night, does not imply she hates having a family or raising her children. This article would have not been written as a response to the other if she was in agreement. Read the whole thing, look at WHY she is using the examples she gave, and what she is trying to say by them.

7-16-2010 @ 7:56PM

Yolie said...

You've got guilt issues :)

7-16-2010 @ 12:10PM

sondbr said...

My kids are now 34 and 36 and during their childhood the pressure was beginning to build to be the "perfect" parent, filling the kids' schedules with lots of activities, etc., etc. I fought against our lives taking that turn, because I wanted my kids to have the wonderful childhood I had. My mom did not work outside the home, so, we kids, when not in school, had our time to ourselves to create our own fun. We lived in a small town so we walked everywhere, to the movie, to the soda fountain, to the park, to the beach, etc, etc. Even though Mom was home with us, she didn't really "play" with us, but she was always there when we needed her. When my kids were growing up, I worked part-time teaching night school classes, so was home with my kids during the day. Since their grandparents lived a long way from us, I didn't get them involved in summer sports, so we could spend several weeks with the grandparents every summer - in the home where I grew up. I am sitting in that home right now, by the shore of a large lake. We have kept that home as a vacation home, so our grandchildren, too, can have a taste of the good ole days!

7-16-2010 @ 12:17PM

Cynthia said...

I agree with Rachel's article. I think we get so consumed in what parents are supposed to be like that we forget what we are trying to teach our children. When I was growing up both of my parents worked and sometimes, I barely saw them! but I always knew that they were working hard for me, I didn't grow up as a spoiled kid who was an attention hog. I learned to apreciate the time I had with them and that working hard is part of life. Now I have a son, both my husband and i work and go to school so unfortunately we don't spend a lot of time with him, but when we are together, we discipline as well we can and always show him that even though we are not always together, he cannot get away with everything just because he has our attention. I get looked down upon for being a strict parent, but I feel that it's important to discipline him and teach him to be a responsible child.

7-16-2010 @ 12:19PM

jmjmellor said...

Why does the writer imply that "our parents" did it right? I find todays adults to be selfish, unappreciative and inconsiderate for the most part. Her closing statement proves this.
I certainly am not taking notes from that generations parenting guide.
I guess we will know who has a better approach to parenting in time.

7-16-2010 @ 12:25PM

Raquel said...

I enjoyed the article above. It reinforces some of the things I try to do with my son. He wants me to build his train set all of the time but I feel if i do then he doesn't get the learning experience of doing it himself so i tell him that he's a good builder and i want to see what he can do. it gives me time to finish up whatever i am doing or to sit and watch as my son builds from his imagination. I'm a single parent and have no time away from my son who is 4 years old. But i've brought him into what I like to do. i paint so he has a setup next to me. I draw so he has his own set of watercolor pencils and we show off what we've done when we finish our own pictures. It gets my work done and gives him time to be creative with me but on his own. Its all about balance.

7-16-2010 @ 12:24PM

Jophilly said...

I agree that being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world. My daughter and I still have a great relationship - she is now 26. When she was in high school, our house was where all her friends wanted to be. My friends used to ask me how my daughter and I had such a good relationship. She knew she could talk with me about anything without me being judgemental - giving my opinion when asked - and just listening when needed. The best years of my life were the ones I spent with her - from babyhood through adulthood. Sure, there were the field hockey games, gymnastics and dance classes. But there was plenty of time for us to relax and be together every night for dinner, watching our favorite TV shows, or a trip to the mall or movie theater. I became a single parent when she was 9. Sure it was hard with me working full time and her after school activities, but I was always there for her, supporting her in her endeavors, and - most important - letting her grow up and be independent. When she was disciplined, there were no emply threats. She still calls me when she just needs to talk, when she has a problem, or just to let me know how she is doing. I wouldn't trade being a mother for anything in the world.

Srmhomer said...

Bored kids smoke weed and have sex. Trust me...

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