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Parents Hate Parenting Because They're Doing it Wrong
Filed under: Opinions
Jennifer Senior's recent and much commented on New York Magazine article, "All Joy and No Fun", about why parents hate parenting, caught my attention -- especially since I wrote a book on how to be a happy parent.
Year after year academics roll out study after study telling us how mind numbing and hard (not to mention environmentally detrimental) it is to raise kids. The truth is, parenting is hard. These days, there's less support from extended family, plenty of pitfalls and long hours.
But so what?
What successful CEO, entrepreneur or entertainer hasn't toiled very long, hard hours doing what they love and have passion for? Who among them would tell you that every bit of it was joyous?
For me, the diapers, meals and clean up is the price I pay to do what I want and love to do – be around and enjoy my kids for this fleeting season of my life. In fact, with each added child to our tribe, I've become a happier and more relaxed parent.
Yet with six kids around, I feel no pressure to be their playmate and I certainly have no time for helicopter parenting. Do I occasionally play Barbies? Sure. But I have no problem saying, "No, go play with your sister. I'm reading a book."
Ditto for my guilt-free nights out with my husband. Moreover, with so many kids, I've had no choice but to limit the enrichment activities and I believe we are all happier for it. I'm a firm believer in giving kids the "gift of boredom." Bored kids climb trees, rediscover toys, read books and give Mom and Dad a break.
Studies indicate that today's parents actually spend more time interacting with their kids, so then why do parents report feeling more guilty? Probably because we've redefined "good parenting" and substantially altered the rhythms of family life to include enrichment and sporting activities that end up making us feel rushed and ironically, more disconnected as a family.
What's more bonding? A lazy afternoon at the house with a family meal or driving to hockey tournaments, watching our kids from the bleachers and topping it all off with a drive-through Happy Meal on the way home? Perhaps there would be more time to let those precious childhood moments unfold if we weren't cramming so much "quality time" into our days.
Senior's article begins with a poignant personal story of coming home from work and looking forward to a happy reunion with her young son. Instead, her evening devolves into a tedious battle with her 2-year-old and a wooden toy that needs re-assembling. Like so many other things in life, Senior is facing the gulf between expectations and reality and nothing can be as unpredictable as a toddler at the end of a long day, or more disappointing for a mom who's been craving the peaceful company of her child.
In this case, Senior has fallen prey to the guilt and the pressure to create a certain kind of family experience. It just doesn't work that way and it's not fair on the child either.
It's time for parents to take a page out of our parent's playbook and stop over-thinking this parenting thing. Free up the family calendar. Simplify. Have a family meal. Our parents weren't our playmates, social directors, coaches or chauffeurs. They also did not bring unrealistic notions of "fun" to parenting. Heck, the term "parenting" wasn't even part of the nomenclature back then.
If today's parents hate parenting maybe it's because they're doing it wrong.
Related: More from the homefront with Rachel Campos-Duffy
According to Senior, the day-to-day grind of parenting sucks and there's plenty of stats to prove it. So why do modern day adults, who have a choice in the matter, put themselves through it? She concludes that it's fear that we might regret not having the parenting experience.
And how does she explain the fact, that despite the dour results of the studies she cites, when asked, parents are decidedly more upbeat about the experience? The mind, she says, plays a "lovely magic trick of the memory," gilding hard times that later provides "intense gratification, nostalgia, delight."
I've been through natural childbirth and there is nothing gilded or lovely about that memory. Unlike natural child birth, parenting and nurturing can be a very pleasurable experience. That too many parents have turned it into a joyless, angst-ridden achievement and an exhaustive competition should not be an indictment on the pleasures of parenting.
Sadly, it's become fashionable to bash parenting and portray those who enjoy it and gain real-time satisfaction from it as intellectually inferior, uninteresting or unsophisticated. To say without irony that you love being a mom, that you think it's fun, is to open yourself up to criticism and suspicion. People quietly wonder whether you're a Stepford wife or worse, they take your maternal contentment as a judgment on them.
And how does she explain the fact, that despite the dour results of the studies she cites, when asked, parents are decidedly more upbeat about the experience? The mind, she says, plays a "lovely magic trick of the memory," gilding hard times that later provides "intense gratification, nostalgia, delight."
I've been through natural childbirth and there is nothing gilded or lovely about that memory. Unlike natural child birth, parenting and nurturing can be a very pleasurable experience. That too many parents have turned it into a joyless, angst-ridden achievement and an exhaustive competition should not be an indictment on the pleasures of parenting.
Sadly, it's become fashionable to bash parenting and portray those who enjoy it and gain real-time satisfaction from it as intellectually inferior, uninteresting or unsophisticated. To say without irony that you love being a mom, that you think it's fun, is to open yourself up to criticism and suspicion. People quietly wonder whether you're a Stepford wife or worse, they take your maternal contentment as a judgment on them.
Year after year academics roll out study after study telling us how mind numbing and hard (not to mention environmentally detrimental) it is to raise kids. The truth is, parenting is hard. These days, there's less support from extended family, plenty of pitfalls and long hours.
But so what?
What successful CEO, entrepreneur or entertainer hasn't toiled very long, hard hours doing what they love and have passion for? Who among them would tell you that every bit of it was joyous?
For me, the diapers, meals and clean up is the price I pay to do what I want and love to do – be around and enjoy my kids for this fleeting season of my life. In fact, with each added child to our tribe, I've become a happier and more relaxed parent.
Yet with six kids around, I feel no pressure to be their playmate and I certainly have no time for helicopter parenting. Do I occasionally play Barbies? Sure. But I have no problem saying, "No, go play with your sister. I'm reading a book."
Ditto for my guilt-free nights out with my husband. Moreover, with so many kids, I've had no choice but to limit the enrichment activities and I believe we are all happier for it. I'm a firm believer in giving kids the "gift of boredom." Bored kids climb trees, rediscover toys, read books and give Mom and Dad a break.
Studies indicate that today's parents actually spend more time interacting with their kids, so then why do parents report feeling more guilty? Probably because we've redefined "good parenting" and substantially altered the rhythms of family life to include enrichment and sporting activities that end up making us feel rushed and ironically, more disconnected as a family.
What's more bonding? A lazy afternoon at the house with a family meal or driving to hockey tournaments, watching our kids from the bleachers and topping it all off with a drive-through Happy Meal on the way home? Perhaps there would be more time to let those precious childhood moments unfold if we weren't cramming so much "quality time" into our days.
Senior's article begins with a poignant personal story of coming home from work and looking forward to a happy reunion with her young son. Instead, her evening devolves into a tedious battle with her 2-year-old and a wooden toy that needs re-assembling. Like so many other things in life, Senior is facing the gulf between expectations and reality and nothing can be as unpredictable as a toddler at the end of a long day, or more disappointing for a mom who's been craving the peaceful company of her child.
In this case, Senior has fallen prey to the guilt and the pressure to create a certain kind of family experience. It just doesn't work that way and it's not fair on the child either.
It's time for parents to take a page out of our parent's playbook and stop over-thinking this parenting thing. Free up the family calendar. Simplify. Have a family meal. Our parents weren't our playmates, social directors, coaches or chauffeurs. They also did not bring unrealistic notions of "fun" to parenting. Heck, the term "parenting" wasn't even part of the nomenclature back then.
If today's parents hate parenting maybe it's because they're doing it wrong.
Related: More from the homefront with Rachel Campos-Duffy
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ReaderComments (Page 4 of 6)
7-16-2010 @ 12:51PM
IHateParenting! said...Kids are a 24/7 18 year long (or more) liability, stress inducer, expensive penalty for not taking the pill one day!!! I hate cleaning, cooking, driving, saying no, don't, etc. every 5 minutes, laundry, shopping, etc. I am a 24/7 maid, teacher, therapist, cook, etc. And it sucks big time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To people without kids: Don't have them. Get pets and travel instead.
Reply
7-16-2010 @ 2:31PM
Chelsea Hershelman said...seriously... please, by all means, if that's the way you feel then there are many families that would love to give a child a loving home. look into adoption.
7-16-2010 @ 12:55PM
kuolkim said...I imagine that being a "happy parent" is MUCH easier for Rachel, who happens to have the help & support of a husband and whom also does not work outside of the home. I'd really love to hear her perspective after she's experienced working 50 hours a week & raising all those children without a father in their lives.....
Reply
7-16-2010 @ 1:22PM
Sarah Mom said...I've been there, and let me tell you that there were days that I would come home and cry myself to sleep because I felt like I was backed against a wall...but NONE of the b.s. that comes with single parenting EVER got in the way of teaching, loving, and enjoying my kids. I didn't have family to rely on, so I made a family out of my community...without my friends, who are also parents, I wouldn't have made it. I highly suggest the same to you and encourage you to hang in there-- time flies, then they're grown!
7-16-2010 @ 3:56PM
Mikaylah said...My Mother had 3 kids all close in age. She was single parent and my father spent most of his time in Tokyo and Hong Kong. We had rules, guidelines, and chores. She worked full time and was in school. Yet she was still home for dinner with us, and to send us to school in the morning. She attended any activities we were in and listened when we needed comfort. We were terrible teenagers and caused her many sleepless nights. All 3 of us consider her the best thing in our lives to this day and spend more time with her now then we did back then. She loved us unconditionally, even when she was stressed, and it SHOWED. This is why we have the love and admiration for her we do, why we CHOOSE to spend the quality time with her that we do, and why all 3 of us would do anything she asked of us. When you are busy, your children may not understand....but the beauty of children is that they grow to love and understand the choices you made were sacrifies for them time and again. You don't have to be a stay at home Mom to show your children you love them, you don't have to have a father in the house, or cart them everywhere they want to go, they will become adults one day and the "I hate yous" and "you never" will fade into "I understand, and I love you" Be patient, do what you can.
7-16-2010 @ 12:52PM
Mark said...So tell me this........ what if you have both a NATURAL daughter, AND a step daughter....... who you've gone out your way for (both of them), deliberately avoiding spoiling either of them, and they BOTH act like ungrateful ingrates..... more like they both EXPECT everything they've gotten...........
Reply
7-16-2010 @ 8:36PM
Alicia said...Well, depending on their ages, you could always tell them that they're ungrateful ingrates and need to learn to support themselves instead of running to you for money. Or you can ask them why they treat you poorly. I recommend the later. It'll probably work better than insulting them.
7-16-2010 @ 2:03PM
Lisa said...I absolutely love parenting my 2 boys - 4 and a half and almost 3 years old. It's pretty difficult on a day to day basis because both my husband and I work full-time. Both of my kids go to daycare, but when I pick them up, we head home, I fix a quick (but healthy) meal, make some tickle time, we eat dinner together, their dad gives them a bath and we alternate nights reading stories before going to bed. Weekends are for us - we play, I do chores while they play together, we go to the park or museums or whatever. Of course I have the 'working mom's guilt', which conflicts with moments of needing 'me' time, and my husband and I need time for us, but it's all part of our choice to have children in the first place. Life happens and you just have to roll with it. I love my kids and spending time with them - as frustrating as they can be at times. I wouldn't change a thing...except maybe to have more kids... :-)
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7-16-2010 @ 12:56PM
patty g said...Parenting isn't one complete experience, its a series of moments.Some of those moments are mind numbing and tedious some turn your hair gray. There are however those moments your live for and those are the moments that make it all worth while. When my kids were young (I had 3 in under 4 years) the only thing that got me through some days was knowing that someday the house would be lonely & quiet and I would hate that more. Now that they are teenagers and out more than they are home, I'm really glad that I appreciated all those moments that came before. It's the memory of those moments that keep me company with all the peace & quiet now. Enjoy your moments while you can!
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7-16-2010 @ 1:03PM
peapers said...Amen. Sanity in a sea of frenzy.
Reply
7-16-2010 @ 1:02PM
Lisa said...I do agree with this article to a point. My kids are very active with sports and there isn't anything i love more than sitting in the stands and cheering them on. We also coach my daughter's travel softball team. Yes we do go out of town alot, but we also take at least a day to do something with both her and my son, as a family. Sure its crazy at times, but i do believe that it means alot to my kids that we are there for them and do support them in every thing they do in life. I don't really get a lot of "me" time, but when my kids are grown and on there own there will be plenty of "me" time so i'm good with how things are.
I think the most important thing is to be happy with your life. Kids are a joy to have and a pleasure to watch them grow into young adults. I'm proud of everything my kids have accomplished and I would take all the crazy weekends all over again. I think it is how you view your life as to how you feel about parenting. All i can say is spend as much time with your kids as you can and enjoy the time you do spend with them, because before too long they will be mother's and fathers too.
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7-16-2010 @ 1:05PM
oceanwaves1323 said...I say to each his own. I personally enjoy going to the ballgames for my boys and they enjoy playing. If one gets tired of it, then we take a break. I enjoy my little girl's plays and programs she does in Children's Choir at church and she enjoys Awana's. I have a good support system with an older married daughter who doesn't mind helping with chauferring the little ones when I can't be in two places at once so that there is less stress and a sister who takes my little girl to her church activities at night. And they still lead full rewarding lives with plenty of time for family, school, and regular outside play.
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7-16-2010 @ 1:24PM
Tom said...Kids should be eaten and not heard.
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7-16-2010 @ 1:49PM
Oosumsauce said...I loved being a mom until my boys turned 16. At 16 they because a huge pain in the arse. That doesn't mean I love them any less it means they are testing their wings. I know I will enjoy them again in a few years until then I just hope I doen't go bald.
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7-17-2010 @ 10:43PM
Rosie said...I totally agree parenting is great but it can hard when things don't go as planned. We should all support each other in our own parenting style and remove the pressure we all put on ourselves. Rachel's way is great but other people have found ways that work better for them. Lets continue to talk about it so that we can learn from one another.
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7-16-2010 @ 1:28PM
LadyWiccan said...Maybe somw people find parenting a chore, no fun and down right tedious is becaues they should not have had children in the first place. I do not like children, my husband and didn't get married to have children.Also do not believe in abortion. My three are alive and well because of my mother who realized that I didn't have the inclination for raising children. They are now three beautiful human beings that I am proud to call my own, but they're also in their late thirties. So don't judge those os us that do it "wrong" mabe it's because we don't want to do "it" at all
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7-16-2010 @ 6:55PM
Mikaylah said...Then don't have them! Don't blame your problems on forgetting the pill one day. Being a parent is a choice no matter what. If you choose to have sex without making sure you are protected, then you have made the decision that the two seconds it would take you to check your pill box is worth the lifetime of "unhappiness" in raising children. Thankfully your mother was there to step in. People go from a lifteime of unhappiness straight to abortion. ADOPTION. People that actually want children, and are not able to have them on their own.
7-16-2010 @ 1:31PM
Jessica said...As a single parent of three I relish the quiet moments. I can't afford to take my children out all the time to theme parks or the movies and I don't have the time, due to work, or the help to drive them from here to the end of time. We recently spent a four day weekend on the couch watching movies and playing Wii and board games. Total cost for me was about $10. We talked and made pancakes together which is what I remember doing as a kid with my parents. It was the best weekend I remember having with them in years. Sometimes it's nice to not have any plans :)
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7-16-2010 @ 7:38PM
Jane said...I am sad that there are those who find parenting such an unhappy experience. Maybe the problem is that the best one has is given on the wrong job. Raising children requires a great deal of energy, planning, time, and patience. Being parents of young children means you will be tired--that comes with the territory. Thinking that one can give all at work and at home and have a "happy parenting experience" is not very realistic. Most women just don't have that much energy. You can "have it all", but not all at the same time. Why not stay home and raise your children and have a happy parenting time, and when you have done that, then join the work force. It is possible to do both, just change your time frame. Work will always be there, but your children won't. Happy rewarding memories are possible, they just require that family comes first.
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7-16-2010 @ 1:45PM
adam513ohio said...Ever notice more women don't want children?Or have children but complain about being a parent and put careers before the children they have?More mothers today give there children to the Fathers,notice all the moms leaving there kids in cars and dying because they had somthing more important on there minds then the human life in the back seat?Or mothers who murder there children?Seems like the more women are in positions of power(jobs,politics,income,etc) the less they want to be women or mothers.Then there's the cougars,and women combinding being a whore with sexual freedom,woman with money pop a baby out to say they did it then pay another woman to raise the child.The young women have celebs that are slutish to look up to now.More women seem to belive they should enjoy the perks of being a woman and a man.People notice how some girls these days are developing alot earlier,but notice the amount of women growing taller,losing there shape(breast,hips).Almost like there becoming men.Maybe some of this sounds weird,and in no way do I think that women shouldn't have the same rights as men(voting,working,choices in life) but in some ways culture in the U.S.A. has affected women and familys in a very negative way.Women will most likely blame men for that,but really need to blame them selfs.When a woman makes more money or owns the house notice the man gets kicked out of the home and cheated on alot?Look at all the mothers with kids out of wed-lock and multiple fathers today compared to the past.White women in america started this culture,then it just moved on down the ladder to black,asian,and hispanic women(hispanic women!now who's going to baby sit?guess they'll have to let the fathers back in the house.)I'm not writing this to be hurtful or angry,but next time you bash a man,but cheer a woman for the same actions know that your a sexsist.As well vice versa of course,this isn't to bash women either,the topic was parents which is often a woman and a man,and there's still alot of single moms and dead beat dads.Notice though how the tables are turning,what's making this happen in the u.s.a. more then other countries?
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