Parents Hate Parenting Because They're Doing it Wrong

My father was a drunk and my mother slept on the couch.
I don't think my mother was aware of bad men when she got married. It was 1953 and my mother lived in innocent bliss. When my father started drinking she entered reality. By the time I was born her bliss was gone and she had 4 children she couldn't handle.
We all got messed up and I nearly died in 2001. I was forced to go to a mental hospital and I told my family I had trouble breathing from all the pills they were giving me. My mother and father went off to the Canadian Rockies to look for more bliss and left me to die. Well I didn't die and now it is a problem for my mother. I am glad though my father is finally dead. If only I had died my mother could be back in 1953. Oh well.

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I have to say I DID enjoy natural childbirth with my second son because I had a tough labor with the first child. The second one was born after three pushes and he wasn't even crying. They cleaned him and handed him to me to cuddle and he cooed like a little bird. It was awesome.

I enjoyed parenting very much up until they were teens. Because my husband and I had different values and ideas on discipline, life was very very hard for all. My sons both rebelled. My marriage became a battle. We went in circles for a long while. Parents MUST come together on discipline or it is better for one to raise the child. We had little family support raising our sons and I think family support can be very helpful. We had counseling and it made things worse in my opinion. Not only could my husband not agree with me on parenting, he could not follow the expert's advice either.

I believe there should be the happy medium in life. There should be quality family moments such as meal times (if possible), and occasional outings, or game times. For the most part, I think kids should be finding themsleves through friends and their activities. I see my brother and his wife enlist his 3 kids in every activity he can think of, hoping they will be well rounded and successful. My brother puts so much pressure on them and he and his wife are constantly living their lives almost totally around their kids. At times his demands on them are harsh. One daughter is already rebelling in her later teens.

While I look back on my childhood as happy for the most part, spending entire days outside being active with many friends, I do wish my mom and dad spent more time with me. Mostly, they were disciplinarians and role models. I wish I could remember Mom and I making more memories together, and Dad making me feel special with time shared. There were 5 of us kids, and they mostly treated us like a group and even encouraged competition amongst us. It made for alot of sibling rivalry.

Parenting is first a blessing, secondly, a responsibility, a job, and with some fun added to the mix from time to time, alongwith enough discipline, it can be joyful for all those involved.

There are no guarantees, however, even with alot of hard work and love.

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You should call my mother. She doesn't live in reality either.

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Rachel, thanks for writing sense. Perhaps, to coin a phrase my wife and I used when our kids were younger, these parents about whom you write should "stop being whiny fuss-pots". It's the hardest job you'll ever love.

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This article was a good read. Sometimes I feel like I'm a bad mom because I'm not constantly interacting with my two kids. That's not how I am and they do have grandparents and aunts and uncles who do give them that. I know that they are not missing out on anything. There is not just one good way of parenting, you just have to figure out what works for you and your family.

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I LOVE being a parent. I was in my 40's when I had my only child. I see her as a gift from God. It is my joy to watch her grow, learn, explore, and become assertive :) She did not ask to come into this world and because my husband and I chose to bring her into this world we have an obligation to do the best we can to make her the best that she can be. We both work full-time but we give her as much time and attention as we all can stand.

I do agree that there is a dearth of support for families with children. Of late, we have been invited to several "adults only" parties. Frankly, I would rather bring her along.

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My mother decided along with Doctors that I could not have children. It was not my decision and it was forced upon me. Believe it or not you may be a mother but you don't always know better than your kids. There are a lot of kids who suffer from ignorant parents. They are on their own and they raise themselves in times that are so bad parents simply choose to ignore the reality their kids go through. They think they are well balanced just because they have jobs and families of their own but they are wrong. A lot of parents simply choose to look the other way when it comes to the reality of pain their children go through. They say they do the best they can but in truth I think some parent will go to the extent of lying about their children. I know from so many of these responses who you people are and how "blessed' you think you are. You are not 'Blessed" in any way in this day and age.

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I wish parents would remember that they are not just "having" a baby, they are "making" a person. Kids are not accessories and should not be treated as such. If parents can't find joy and excitement in being their child's parent, not their friend, then they shouldn't have had them.

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Dear ANNE,

Please don't wish you died. I am sorry you had bad luck with parents who were immature and selfish and had their own issues, as many parents do while raising kids. I am sure I had a few of my own based on my own upbringing. My father was a drinker too. I have my own stories about that.

Are you getting any type of support from friends, family, or even counseling? I might suggest a woman's group. It is cheaper and often easier to share things. Sometimes you can just listen to others' problems and identify, and speak when you are ready. there is usually alot of caring and support.

While it seems you are still missing out and looking to your mom for love and healing, it doesn't seem she is able to give you what you need. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you necessarily, it just means she is who she is and not able to be there for you. You need to try to let go of the past and move on in the present to people who can support and help you and even have good healthy times with. Try to forgive her and your father, and start living for you. You are a survivor who made it this far through alot of hell, and I believe in you that you can make a better life for yourself.

Reach out to those who can be there for you Anne. Also, try to include God in your life and I might also suggest finding a prayer group or bible study where there is also alot of love and support. You can find this at most churches. A non denominational church is very good if you aren't of any particular religion. Log on to Joel Osteen.com and it is a wonderful organization that sends out good messages that will help you.

You are special in God's eyes and heart Anne. Don't give up. Let go of your Mom for now and show her you can become healthy and when she sees this in you, she might even begin to change her own life. I am sure she is living with alot of regrets. The choices she made were not good, and life has a way of coming back at us when that happens. There is hope for all. Good luck Anne.

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Please, the problem with these kids now a days is the parents. They sooo afraid to punish their child when they are bad or do stupid stuff. Good example taking guns to school.What kind of parent doesn't know what the haak their kids are up to?Or allowing them to scream all the time in a store or a restraurant.Please tell me isn't it our jobs as parents to keep control of our children in public? IF as a child my mother would have taken me or my siblings into the restroom and gave us a what for adjustment.Or how about these kids who in public tell their Parents to go to hell and do what they want.These kids have it way to easy. They have no respect for their parents or any other adult. The reason for this so called actions of the said dumb parents is that child protection has stuck their noses into a place that they should not be in.There for these children use the ABUSE words, way to easily.I agree with the other women what planet are you from?There would not be so much violence from these brain dead ,out of control children if parents would just take a good strong hand to their behinds more often then not. And get more involved in what their children are up too.I have 7 children and managed to have all graduate from school and none have every been arrested .So and how many children do you have?

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I always joke that our children I enjoyed and my wife suffered. But the fact is that she actually enjoyed them more than me. She always claims she had the better part of it all, and she would not change it for the world. Had I known that they would make me so happy, I would have had them earlier. It was not without troubles, but every second of their life has enriched mine. Seeing them grow up and become the persons they are was a wonderful adventure worth our lives. I would do it again over and over.

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I am ignoring my kids right now to write this comment. Parenting is like anything else you get what you put into it. If you become a parent because that what you think is society correct,or do it so you dont regret it later on YOU ARE SCREWED. If you dont enjoy kids and you become a parent YOU ARE ALSO SCREWED. My 2 boys are the one and only reason I wake up every day. Even on days that suck {and there are many} they are still better then the best day you ever had when you had no kids.I also believe in the saying "it takes a village to raise a child" .If I had to give one tip it would be parents tend to over emphasize the roll they are playing in the developement of their soon to be adult. I have seen kids with the best set of parents grow up to be serial killers and I have seen a set of crack head parents raise a brain surgeon so you cant stress about what you are doing wrong or right because you just never know

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i must be the strange one. i was an only child and i don't remember playing anything other than cards and board games with my parents. i was always outside, riding a bike, rollerskating, playing ball or at the playground or just sitting on the porch or in a tree reading.
i had a ball raising my 6 kids. i loved sitting in the puddle in the driveway with my sons, sailing boats. i loved catching crayfish in the stream, fishing and building dams in the stream. i NEVER directed their play tho. i let them direct me. i think that makes a big difference. i didn't say "do it this way" i said "how should i do it?" for awhile the girls, as they grew up, were a little embarresed by my behaviour with the little ones, but htey soon learned that very, very few parents actually took the time to do the things i did. i got plenty of strange looks from other parents who came by to say "hi" only to find me in a pile of leaves with a 3 year old or in a puddle with a 5 year old. my children are now grown and live all over the country and 2 serve our country in the military. they all tell me that they loved being a kid in our family and all but one will willingly go into a puddle with their kids and sail boats.
on any given day, it is nothing unusual to see 4 generations of us skipping across wal mart parking lot. i'm 61 yrs.. old and i still preferr to be in the puddle with my grandkidlets. and sometimes their moms even join us. last month we dug a hole in the back yard (my husband had a fit) and built a fort with tree branches around it. after they went home, i made a little hole in the side with a chimney so we could roast hot dogs. when they came back to visit it was the hit of the weekend.
i guess i had so much fun on my own when i was a kid, i just decieded to never really grow up.

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I do not understand why, if being a happy parent is such a natural and easy thing, the author of this article felt the need to write a book on instructions on how to be one.
Judging from the over 400 comments the article on New York magazine received (I was one of the replies), there seems to clear evidence that opinions of the subject vary widely, should we wipe out all the "dissenters" as bad parents who do not know how to do their job? As anything, social situations change, and how parenting was done 10- 20-40 years ago does not compare to today's challenges (sure, in the past there were others, like seeing your child die of fever). you can not even compare parenting in different cities (God save me from NYC...where I live).
So let's just observe without judging, ok?

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you wanted kids now you have them.you hate being a parent.thats ok.but a kid can see this.little kids to pre teens.to teens.i did it you did it the bible says its going to heppen.read it.god morals well not help.sorry.kids hate there pareants (why)?you yell at them tell them what to do a win to do is.make your kid go to church.they well hate god if you go to church .they might want to go if your real.you can not make a kid do anything they dont want to do.so lay back remerber when you were a kid.and no you can not be there friend.you dont want to be with them all the time.sadly to say they dont want to be with you all the time.this is life be real dont tell them they cant do something you do.kids pick up on yours lies fast.dont tell your kid i never was like you as a kid.they well no.

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Not all people who become parents love parenting, because for some, the love and attachment doesn't occur naturally or even develop over time. Like all things, one-size does not fit all. Some people are just a little too selfish or have to many issues to be parents. Some people (not to mention their children) are better off not having the parenting experience and should think seriously before having a child depend on them. Parenting is hard, most people get through it without scarring their children too bad, and find it a joyful experience. But we CANNOT assume that this is best choice for everyone. Some people may be happier without children.

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Well said. As the saying goes, nothing worth doing is ever easy.

It's important not to take the joy out of parenting just because parts of it are tedious. Of course, sometimes that's easier than others ;)

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i read the article and agree 100%..us as parents need "some me time"... but life defintaly changes when you have children..its not all about you anymore...and its not all about the child either it becomes all about " the family as a whole"

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