'Don't Talk to Strangers' is Dangerous Advice

We only have to change one letter in the old advice 'Don't talk to strangers. Let's make kids very clear not to WALK with strangers.

Confidence and healthy self-esteem are the two greatest gifts a parent could ever give to their child to keep them safe and happy!

Sounds like Lenore had her feathers ruffled by a very protective mom. Her example doesn't fit though. When later that girl is walking down the street, she is no longer a small child. Perhaps that mom was a bit extreme with stranger danger, but I disagree that they grow up without common sense. That was a teachable moment that the mom missed based on stranger danger. The child instigated conversation. Like others say, discernment is key, don't leave with strangers. But we can't just assume everyone is nice and with no motives when they are talking to a child in a public place. That Mom could have introduced herself or done something to make familiarity instead of what she did.

Kids should learn the difference between talking and going with a
stranger. There is no reason why a child cannot respond to a question
or say hello to a stranger. In fact it dawned on me after reading this
article that in the past when I smiled and said hello and a few words
to a cute child (I am a 49 yr old female) the kid would ignore me.
The first thing that pops into my mind is , " how rude and
unfriendly" I certainly don't want people to be thinking that of my
daughter.

I agree with you! My concern is that my story does not jive with the writer! My son was almost kidnapped from the hospital, only saved by the fast thinking of my doctor! Then while at an event two people not from our group tried to take him when he was about 18 months old. I was 5 feet maybe away, while he ran up and down a hill next to our campsite to wear himself out. We are reinactors, and I turned to tend our fire for lunch, and two tourists coached him under a fence at the top of the hill and had him under the arms and took off with him! I managed to get them to drop him with a tomahawk to the back (I only hit them with the handle). Yes you can be that precise! Anwway, and both times the people were total STRANGERS! And I was right there! Anyone who knows me will tell you I am a paranoid mother and have always taken care of my son! So yes I taught him to be careful of strangers! But he is an outgoing, yet very aware, and cautious, teenager, with lots of friends and he is always prepared for the unknown, and careful. I think we have to find a balance that keeps our kids safe! After all, if they did not need parents to teach them why did God put us here for them? We preach, help others, what goes around comes around, and that awareness to your situation, and preparedness will most of the time keep you safe and happy.

Another great safety tip is the concept of "Ask a Mommy." Basically, the idea is that when children are in a crowded place (sporting event, amusement park, mall, park) if they get lost then they are told to find a police officer. That is hard to do and might mean the child wanders or feels like any man that takes them is a police officer. Instead, the concept of "Ask Mommy for help" is the idea that a woman with children is someone who will help and is often nearby in all the above scenarios. So, if you can't find a police officer, Ask a Mommy for Help. The same holds true if someone is trying to coax an unsupervised child to help "find a puppy" or other dangerous scenario to Ask a Mommy nearby if it is okay to help this person.

I was shopping a while back and saw this cute little girl in a shopping cart. Her mom was with her. I said, "Hi cutie, how are you today?" I received no response and thought nothing about it. Little ones often will not reply. But as I walked past, I heard the little girl say, "That man was bad wasn't he mommy?", to which the mom replied, "Yes, honey, he is a bad man." I wonder what this little girl will grow up to be?

My daughter's best friend lived 8 houses away on our street. I was friends with her mother. I picked them up from school and drove them to girls scouts etc.. If she came to our door to play she couldn't even step inside to call and ask if it was all right to come inside our house. She had to go home to ask. When she was 11, her mother divorced her step-father, who had been with them since her mom was pregnant with her. He had started drinking again. He called one weekend because he was having financial and vehicle difficulties. Within two days, my friend and her daughter were dead having been brutally raped and savagely beaten to death. Another story, I was walking home from a friends house when I noticed a car following me. I lived in a forest and crossed a street walked through some woods crossed another street and then a field. I had one more street and short field and I would be home. That guy in that car was on every street finally on the third in front of me. I walked to the nearest house which thankfully was only 50 feet away and then heard him calling me. I looked at him and he started to get out of his car. I ran up to the door and tried to open it. It was locked, so I banged on it screaming about being locked out again. I knew the people and one of their daughter's was in my class at school. We really didn't like each other then, but I didn't care. The guy jumped into his car and drove off as fast as you can on dirt roads. No one answered the door, and I ran all the way home. This was in 1973 and I don't remember where I was taught to do that because my Mom didn't even believe that I was in danger when I know I was. You don't ask a child for directions by stalking them. Teaching her daughter not to enter someone else's home got her no where and would have probably gotten me raped. Just a thought. I agree that you don't want them running into a stranger's house, but you also need to let them know who is and who isn't dangerous. You also need to let them know that the risks need to be weighed. Therefore, you need to know your neighbors so you can give her more exact info. Don't ever go to this house, or you can always go to that house for help. Even then, their best friends step father could be the bad guy.

I work in healthcare. Stranger danger is a huge problem. On an ambulance when the child is screamign and crying becuase the EMT is trying ot talk to them. The child that runs out of the ER becuase the nurse it trying ot talk to them. The child that won't admit to any problem till they are almsot dead. I teach teh children around me to be able to ask anyone anything. I would prefer my child gets kidnaped in front of 100 strangers and they all know to co ntact me then they get kidnapped alone and no one knows.

Why not? It worked for me. I became paranoid and Neurotic after I was raped. Stranger danger didn't do it to me, a psychotic man did it with people around that didn't stop him. So forgive me if I think Stranger Danger isn't that bad a concept considering How many of you were taught that and have perfectly good common sense.

I agree with you. I taught my children to be friendly and outgoing. It is perfectly fine to talk to someone you don't know, especially in a public place. I stressed to them to never GO ANYWHERE with a stranger.

>>>When he asks me why that man or woman won't talk to him? I reply some people or friendly and some or not, and some people or not fond of talking.

That's not teaching your child properly either, Darren. You've just told your child that he is so special that unless somebody responds to his addressing them, the only possibility for their behavior is that they're rude. There are millions of reasons the person may not respond to an unknown child or anybody else in a public place...perhaps they're simply busy with their own shopping, maybe they don't hear well and didn't hear the child, maybe they are being protective knowing that anybody who speaks to a child is suddenly suspicious, maybe they are preoccupied with an issue in their own life, maybe they've got an ear piece on and are in the midst of a telephone call. Most of these situations actually make YOUR CHILD the rude one for attempting to invade somebody else's life and strike up a conversation uninvited, putting the stranger at risk of being dubbed dangerous should you happen to be a stranger danger teaching parent.

I think it would be much better to teach your child that the world doesn't revolve around him and that not responding to an unknown child while out shopping probably has absolutely nothing to do with the stranger being rude.

@sally:

Well, gee. That's how I used to reply to my own very outgoing and precocious son at that age. And it is NOT, (forgive me for arguing) pointing out that people are rude, but rather pointing out that some people (very rightly so) do not wish to respond. Whether it's for any of the reasons you enumerate, or not, they simply do not wish to respond.

I used it as a teaching tool that not everyone has the same feelings at the same time. And how dare you imply that a well mannered, vocal 4-5 year old is being "the rude one for attempting to invade somebody else's life and strike up a conversation uninvited".

I have only found a few "sourpusses" like yourself, and I imagine that you are the one who will either snap back at a child simply saying "hello", or will rudely make a comment to the parent about "controlling their brats". Most folks, whether they be college age or elderly will more than happily respond to what they see as a youngster learning conversational skills. I know that more than once, I've responded to a youngster at the store, whether it be commenting about something they just said, or replying politely to them (because young kids DO consider all adults role models)

Uh, sorry Sally and Lively, but it IS rude to not respond to someone when they talk to you. No matter how you slice it. Blatantly ignoring someone who's talking to you is rude, whether it's a child or not.

No wonder there are so many rude people out there if this is the way you think. Do you even know what that word means? Sheesh.

Sally, your reasoning is faulty. If a young child is with her parent(s) and she starts talking to a stranger and the parent doesn't step in and say, "we don't talk to strangers," then it seems it would be pretty obvious that the parent is ok with their child talking to strangers when he/she is around.

And what's this business about the child being the rude one for attempting to strike up a conversation with someone uninvited? Do you always "invite" people to talk to you? You don't allow people to speak to you without an invitation? Give me a break.

CC: Sorry, nobody has a responsibility to entertain strangers, who uninvited, start yapping at others. There is no obligation to do so and we were not all raised in barns to have hootenannies whenever someone so wishes. Given your misunderstanding of definitions and lacking breadth of cultural awareness, you and your children undoubtedly would make a poor partner in any conversation