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Filed under: Single Parenting, Twins, Triplets, Multiples, Expert Advice: Big Kids
Dear AdviceMama,
My almost-8-year-old and I butt heads a lot. She acts like she is the boss and I feel like I am always yelling at her. How do I get her off her pedestal? How do I let her know I'm the boss -- not her?
Signed,
I'm the Boss
Dear Boss,
"You're not the boss of me!" was the theme song on a popular TV show a few years ago, and it struck a chord with every parent who's had a child proclaim their position as ruler of the roost. Kids easily become little emperors or empresses, and once they've tasted power, they aren't easily talked out of wanting more.
So, restoring your role as The One In Charge isn't a matter of telling your daughter that she can't call the shots, or negotiating with her for the position of boss. It's about calmly and confidently owning that role.
Being what I call the "captain of the ship" in a child's life starts with not being needy. Kids smell fear and desperation in their parents. If you approach your daughter saying, "I need you to start your homework," you've essentially told her exactly how to frustrate you: All she has to do is refuse to do her homework.
Once you've revealed that you need a child to do something and she refuses, you've backed yourself into a corner. Either you give in -- which teaches her that she really is the boss -- or you resort to bribes and threats. Even though you may end up getting your daughter to do what you've demanded, you will have done so from a place of weakness, not strength.
Instead, when you want your daughter to do something, tell her it's time to do it and then, walk away as if you're sure she's going to do what you've asked. "Time for homework, sweetheart. Let me know if you need any help -- I'll be in the kitchen, starting dinner." Act as though you assume she's going to do what you asked. Don't hover!
No doubt, your daughter will probably test you and avoid starting her homework. That's okay. Simply check back in after a few minutes and calmly remind her, "It's time for homework, honey."
The less you come across as needy, the more you can speak from quiet authority. If she says she doesn't want to do it, don't argue; simply acknowledge that you can see she's having a good time playing and it's hard to do something that's not much fun.
Most of all, don't escalate the situation by explaining why she has to do her homework or firing off threats or punishments. Speak clearly, and don't engage in battles or power struggles.
While I don't expect things to change overnight, I can assure you from having worked with thousands of parents and children that the less you come across as needing your daughter to do what you ask, the more genuine authority you'll have.
I often say, "He who is most attached to a particular outcome has the least amount of power." Keep this in mind as you parent, and you'll help your daughter recognize that you really are in charge, which ultimately will give her the comfort that comes from knowing she has a competent Captain of the ship at the helm.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMamaAdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
8-09-2010 @ 1:44PM
ksgcslater said...I still don't understand how this method could work. She says to just walk away even if they don't start doing their homework in the hopes that they will "magically" understand how important homework is and that they should do what you want them to do. My kids would never do their homework without some type of consequences for when they don't. To me, you're still not the boss in the above example because they can still not do what you want them to do.
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8-09-2010 @ 4:46PM
Janice said...What she describes is exactly what I do. But her advice doesn't seem to be starting at the beginning. I didn't magically spawn elementary aged kids who know that they will eventually do as I say.
It began as a baby when I'd say "time to change a diaper" and then pick baby up and go change a diaper. (And neither my husband nor my mother in law nor any other would challenge me with "She's not even wet" even if they disagreed with my pronouncement that it was time. So that probably helped.)
When they were crawling or walking, I'd say "C'mon, it's time to change a diaper" and, if baby came to me, I'd say "what a good baby!" If not, no big deal...I'd just go pick up baby and we'd go change a diaper.
Over the course of their childhoods, I never faltered in my conviction that what mom says, goes. And, being the mom, I continued with a "walk or I'll carry you" mentality.
Of course, there were some things I couldn't make them do. I couldn't make them stop drinking poolwater, sleep, use the potty, stop crying and such. But I could make them get out of the pool and use the bathroom every 20 minutes. I could make them stay in the bed, whether they slept or not. I could make them sit on the potty whether or not they used it. Crying...I never did handle the crying all that well!!
I guess my point is that the advice described here is excellent, but I think it's missing the beginning...walk or I'll carry you.
And, even if a child is 8 and a little cumbersome to carry, it doesn't mean that the ship has sailed. It just becomes an "easy way or hard way" sort of choice. To use the homework example above, if I were in this scenario, I'd broken record a few times, but then if I felt my child was being intentionally defiant, I'd let her know that she was choosing to go down a tough road. See, I don't cook dinner for kids who refuse to do homework. And that tv is for relaxing after being productive; kids who don't pull their weight have no need to relax. Some would call this threats, but in my world, this is a natural consequence. No drama...just a fact.
8-22-2010 @ 4:21PM
bobbie said...sounds like giving it a try i just finished yelling at my grandchild and then i found this article and i see where i lose my credibility but at least the yelling will stop if i stick with it and the respect will also grow because i am not acting as childish as they are. they even reduce me to tears it shows i am not the boss. i am more than willing to try this it sounds like a grown up time out which my peditrician taught me in the early 70's. why should i give a child that kind of power over me. i will let you know how it works for me. i refuse to let a child reduce me to being a non entity in their lives mine are 16,14,12 all girls my daughter passed away and i am doing them any good when i play this game with them. i am old enough i should have known better.
8-19-2010 @ 6:37PM
windgated said...Janice - I agree with you. I run my house, not my 4 year old, and it has been that way ever since she was a baby. From the first minute a behavior was inappropriate, I was on it and correcting it. I do not ask her when something needs to be done, I tell her. If I met attitude - immediate time-out, no discussions. My daughter has some things where she may have her say, but never on the big things. Where did this 8 year old get the idea that she was in charge - from the first minute that she was not corrected when misbehaving. Some parents ignore, think the behavior is not a big deal, or do not want them to cry and be upset. Put it this way - either they cry now, or you will cry later!
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8-24-2010 @ 9:36PM
bobbie blum said...boy am i crying now. when i got my grandchildren i was very depressed and not seeing what was going on but i can see it is never too late to start. the beginning is when you start. children are adaptable whether they like it or not. even these teenagers. they are good girls except for the lack of respect i have earned by not taking gentle control. i thank all of you for your comments that are giving me new strenght
8-20-2010 @ 2:55PM
mbee said...You are not raising a child, you are raising an adult. And, hopefully, you are raising an adult who can make her own responsible decisions. I believe in the philosophy that your daughter should believe that she is her own boss and that, given that distinction, it is up to her to make decisions that are in her own best interest. However, as you are the more wise and learned parent, it is your responsibility to present the choices to her. Let's take homework, for instance. Ask you daughter, would she rather do her homework and have a bright future or not do her homework and end up a poor, homeless bag lady? She may respond that she'd rather be a bag lady and, if so, you might ask her if she might rather have the CHOICE of whether or not to be a bag lady and go ahead and do her homework so that one day she will have the option? These are extremes, obviously, but they illustrate the point. Your daughter must feel that she has some control and some input into the decisions that impact her life or she'll simply grow up to allow others to always determine what she does and when it's time to do something.
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8-22-2010 @ 5:20PM
CeCe said...Nice article. I'll agree that it could be more intensive - but that would take a lot of space! I highly reccomend the book "Have a New Kid By Friday" by Kevin Lehman. It describes, in detail, how to parent in this manner. There are 'quick references', but the whole book is priceless. My Mother-in-law suggested it, not in a mean way, but because she could see our son being 'the boss of us' at a young age... and imagined what we would face when he turned 15 if we didn't see it. We had raised a little negotiator, and rather than just telling him to do something we would ask, then bargain to get the results. We figured we were doing well because he never had tantrums... because he never needed to! The book helped tremendously, including helping me navigate natural consequences as Janice mentioned above.
Bobbie, also check into this book because it's not just for toddlers, it covers going through the teen years as well. I wish you all the best with your granddaughters.
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8-22-2010 @ 5:45PM
lisa said..."He who is most attached to a particular outcome has the most power." Silliest thing ever. In some areas this is true, but in parenting? Who do you think is more attached to the outcome of your child getting good grades and having a good work ethic, you or your 8 year old who can't see past right now? Of course patents are attached to the outcome. Kids don't think about the future, developing good work habits, pride in their work, studying hard and succeeding in school and therefore work and therefore life. They have to be guided and taught self discipline and consequences, good and bad. Better to be taught by you, who love them, than by society at large, who doesn't. You are the boss of your child, you are also their guide, teacher, caretaker, confidant and shoulder to cry on. It's an awesome responsibility, rise to it!
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8-23-2010 @ 3:05AM
Jihan Coleman said...What a load of crap! You tell the kid to do the homework and if they don't do it, straight to their room with no supper, bath or ANYTHING! Wanna eat? Then do the goddamned homework like I said! Back talk? You just bought yourself 1 week of solitary confinement! Keep talking and I'll keep adding weeks until you shut your trap.Why do you think it is still the most effective form of punishment in our penal system today? Because it works!!! ALL privileges would be suspended until the homework was done on a regular basis and the grades reflected that. Your kid wants an A+ life? Then they better be giving you an A+ effort! I've raised 4 boys. They're all grown now with kids of their own. Each one is successful, well-adjusted and we have a great relationship. When are you new-age parents going to stop with the namby-pamby "give them choices" crap? Choices about their future to an 8 yr old kid??? That's ridiculous!
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10-09-2010 @ 1:00AM
AE said...You hit the nail on the head
10-13-2010 @ 1:08PM
Candy said...Obviously, "I'm the Boss" has to begin dealing with her 8-year-old now. She can't go back to dealing with a toddler. I also think the expert advice left out the necessity for consequences. You don't expect child to do homework and then just go in the kitchen and ignore everything if your expectation isn't met. There have to be consequences. I know that Kevin Lehman (author/psych) is from a religious background, but my mom gave me one of his books years ago and it was excellent. Whatever your religious views, there is plenty of great information and very practical in his advice. Only downside was he assumes you are emotionally healthy and smarter than your kids. Not all of us are:-) Still, I would also recommend his books.
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10-13-2010 @ 8:24PM
Laura Ochoa said...I did most or all the tips all of you mention N both of daughters finish school and now they are 21 and now is boys problem not homework
they are choosing the worse men to have relationship. boys who don't have work,no school, married and disable. Now they say they are adults and they can do what ever they want. I did not kill myself providing good example, good environment, good social ethics, for them and now they bring me this ugly men with no future as they boyfriend. please ........ I want to die.
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10-21-2010 @ 4:06PM
Patti said...time to change the locks and let them with with their choices.
10-21-2010 @ 4:08PM
Patti said...That and a swat on the butt when they rewaaly need it! I can't even imagine my daughter saying that to me. She would be very sorry if she did.
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