Hot on HuffPost Parents:
Franne Golde and Syd Fox: Love More, Fear Less: A Mother and Her…
Dr. Peggy Drexler: The Breadwinner Complex: Are Women Apologizing For…
Am I Horrible for Being Excited That My Daughter's Returning to College?
Filed under: Empty Nest, Teen Culture, Development: Teens, Social & Emotional Growth: Teens, Behavior: Teens, Expert Advice: Teens, Expert Advice: Just For You
Dear AdviceMama,
My youngest of four daughters is heading off to college for her second year. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me that my husband and I will have the house to ourselves again. When she came home in May I thought I was going to die. The drama, the constant need for money, rides and teenagers in my house at night (when we were trying to sleep since we had work in the morning) was driving us crazy! Are we horrible for not enjoying this time when she is home?
Signed,
Missing My Empty Nest
Dear Empty Nest,
Your question left me chuckling for a long time. I love how honest you are, and how you're -- appropriately -- claiming your own space and life after giving so much of both to raising your girls.
I realize that readers with little ones might be flabbergasted that you're thrilled to finally have your kids out of the house. When our children are tiny and adorable, we can't imagine life without them underfoot, despite the fatigue that comes from meeting their demands.
A parent in the midst of that love affair might indeed think there's something wrong with the fact that you can't wait for your youngest to get back to college. When these younger parents think about the day their children will head off towards their own, independent life, they feel dread and sorrow.
On the other hand, parents of unappreciative, unruly teens who are still a few years away from college will be envying you, eagerly anticipating the day that they, too, get to drop their last child at college and return home to a clean and quiet home ... one that stays that way for more than an hour or two!
And then there are those parents who are embarking on the very first step of the journey toward emptying their nest. Their hearts are breaking as they painfully say goodbye to their first or only child heading off to begin college, trying to keep a stiff upper lip so as to not dampen their teen's excitement.
These are the stages of getting to where you now are. As parents, we go from being distraught at the thought of our toddler ever leaving home, to anticipating the relief of them moving out when they become ungrateful teens, to dreading their departure once it's around the corner. After they're gone and we've wandered in and out of their empty bedrooms and cried over old photos, we begin to rediscover the version of ourselves we were before they ever arrived in our lives. And if all goes well -- as it apparently has in your case -- we find out that as much as it was an indescribably wonderful (mostly) to raise our children, there is a good life waiting for us after they leave home.
So, there's nothing wrong with you; you're right on schedule. After putting in the millions of hours of bedtime stories, bake sales and baths, you're ready to reestablish a sense of your own life.
My advice? Enjoy yourself, have new adventures on your own and with your husband, and pat yourself on the back for a job well done!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here
TheTalkies:RelatedVideos
-
College Student Gets Stalking Order on Parents
A college student gets a stalking order against her parents. Aubrey Ireland is a senior at the College-Conservatory of Music in Cincinnati, Ohio.Her parents, David and Julie Ireland would often venture from Kansas to visit their daughter in Ohio. According to Aubrey, they would arrive unannounced and accuse her of doing drugs and being promiscuous.
-
Family Learns of Student's Death on Facebook
The parents of a Georgia college student first learned from Facebook that their daughter had been found dead in a dormitory study room shortly before Thanksgiving. Now, they hope that social media sites can help find clues to her death. (Nov. 29)
-
Role of Parents in College Transition Preparation
In this video, parenting expert and independent educational consultant, Wendie Lubic (The College Lady) talks about the role of parents in helping their children preparing for college.
-
Realistic Assessment for College Transition
In this video, parenting expert and independent educational consultant, Wendie Lubic (The College Lady) gives some tips on to do a realistic assessment of the abilities of your teenager for a smooth college transition.
SitesWeLove
- Site Map
- |
- Staff
- |
- Terms of Service
- |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Trademarks
- |
- Advertise With Us
- |
- About Our Ads
- |
- AOL Downloads
- |
- Contact Us
- |
© Copyright 2012 AOL Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Aol Family
ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
8-16-2010 @ 4:29PM
dougalcandy said...Don't feel bad, I feel the same way!! After living on her own for ten months, my daughter came home from her first year at college with the idea that she was an adult, didn't have to answer to us for anything, didn't have to tell us where she was going, or what time she'd be home. We reached a compromise when I explained that we weren't treating her like a child, but she had to exhibit common courtesy--much like we always tell her where we're going and what time we're coming home. It got better after a few weeks, but there is the drama you're talking about, and the nasty outbursts and screaming that didn't exist while she was away. Plus, I got really tired of hearing "I can't wait to go back to school" all summer! I totally get that kids her age love the independence that comes with living away, but transitioning back to home life is difficult for all concerned. And yes, my husband and I like our freer life, and I have space for my ironing board!!! Enjoy your time!!
Reply
8-29-2010 @ 12:05PM
Ruth said...That independence your writing about..is really a totally false sense of independence they have...the average college student resides in
dormitory style on-campus housing and eats meals paid for by their parents under college meal-plan...they do not grocery shop, cook meals, pay for their own apartments, or for that matter pay for their own tuition.
8-29-2010 @ 7:51PM
serena davis said...oh wow!!! i thought i was the only parent going through... i am a single parent with one child.. she had graduated last year,was sent to an away college (of her choice;and which i could afford) she wasn't there one semester.. and came back home.. I was dreading that. I thought now i will have some time to myself,and she kept complaining about how she wanted to leave! oh!! but when she returned i had to lay down some new rules because she was on that "Hang out" college time.. staying up late,listening to loud music.. uuhh.. and i thought i was the only parent.. But now she is in a college in the city and she is living at home with a part-time job. I just cannot wait till she relly moves out and has her own Apartment...
Reply
8-29-2010 @ 7:57PM
rena said...i need to change my profile i didn;t want my full name on the blog.How do i do that?
Reply
9-13-2010 @ 10:37AM
marcia said...My third child is a sophomore. I am exhausted when my college kids return home. I awaken at 3 a.m. to the aroma of frying bacon and eggs, or to 5 young adults showing up for a poker game. When my colleagues' freshmen were set to arrive home and I saw how excited they were, I decided to defer my comments for a couple of weeks. I then asked them if they remained so "gleeful". They rolled their eyes and expressed how exhausted they were~ Doesn't take long..... lol. Of course, we still adore and love them unconditionally. My advice to parents: suggest colleges far enough away that you can get there quickly in an emergency (i.e. non-stop flight). :)
Reply
10-13-2010 @ 12:46PM
Candy said...Oh yes, we have three college-age "adult" children. One is taking a year off from school so is home full-time this year. It is great when they are home and even greater when they leave. We found that we had to set some "adult boundaries" or ground rules for when they are home. We even made written contracts for these adults. They have lots of freedom, but they do have some basic adult responsibilities. We also got ear plugs for when they have friends over late at night. Since we don't allow alcohol in the house, we sleep peacefully and our adult children can have friends over. One even helps stock the fridge when home.
Reply
10-27-2010 @ 11:30PM
alyxx said...While I did go home one weekend a month and on holidays, I've been essentially out of the house since my junior year of high school. After my freshman year of college, I got an apartment. I haven't spent more than a night or two at my mom's house since I left for summer school the summer after my freshman year. I can't imagine having to go live back at home when I'm not in school. I do my own laundry, buy my own groceries, cook my own meals, work a job, and keep excellent grades. I feel sorry for all these college kids who still rely on mommy and daddy to pay all their bills and keep them at home. They aren't learning any real life skills or independence, instead they just think they are being adults because they spend a few months at a time living mostly on their own.
Reply