Divorce: Saying Good-Bye to the Kids and the Nest

marriage should be for ever ! unfortunately I recently went through divorce and the lie's of abuse sniping attorney's gold digging is horrible and no child should have to see and feel things like that . the only winners in divorce are the attorneys. the family court system is just terrible especially if you are a man.

As a person who lived through her parents' divorce and who just celebrated her 22nd anniversary, I can say that it is just as selfish, if not more so, to stay in a loveless marriage. Staying together for the children does not benefit the children because they can not see what a healthy loving relationship is suppose to be. Sometimes even when the parents love each other, it is still not necessarily a healthy one, even absent abuse, which is just as bad. Trying harder does not make it better. Many times it just means one person getting the short end of the stick. Children are not stupid or blind. Even if a divorce hits them hard, if the parents act like adults, children will recover and will have a better chance of a healthy relationship than if the parents stay together in an unhealthy one.

Michelle, You are wrong in saying that it would be selfish for your relative to leave that marriage. He probably should have. Sometimes we have to let go of the one we love, when they are active in their adiction, so that they will hopefully hit bottom and get help to improve themselves. If it was just an illness beyond any control, then yes, the spouse should stay, should want to stay. But if there is an addiction and the other spouse is enabling the addicted spouse to continue their addiction and live as an empty person, then that is wrong also. Sometimes you have to just let go so that the other person can find their way. Why "suffer" through another person's addiction when you might be able to get them to help themselves and live a better life. To me, that is truer love.

As I read your article, it brought back memories of my painful divorce when my husband and I had come to the nesting years. I could not believe that I had spend twenty years in the relationship for it to come to a close with the nasty word divorce".

Although it was hard and I left with nothing (by choice), I have settled in a new life, new town, new relationship, new doctoral degree and I am NOW loving my new life.

The ex-husband and I have remained freinds as we have forgiven each others for the known and unknown mistakes that caused the split. Life is but a journey so I have learned to enjoy the moments rather than the day. It changes too suddenly without notice, so moments are what I live for.

So Michelle, you don't have first hand personal experience of having to go through a divorce. You "lived it through your husband"....so, did he divorce because one or both parties were being selfish; something that could have been prevented if two people would have tried a little harder? Obviously not. Strong words from a person who hasn't lived through it. Good luck in not becoming a statistic.....I NEVER thought I would. Sometimes life just happens.

I agree with a divorce being a covenant between 2 parties.. It just goes to show unless the Lord is ahead of the union of a marriage, the vows will not be taken seriously... I come from a divorce and I can see how it has affected my children, even tho, they were older when the divorce took place. Also, both lifestyles of each party to a divorce loses.. income, retirement, and many other things they have worked years for. It is caused by selfish desires of one or both parties.... It should be made harder to get a divorce and maybe each party would think twice.

Michelle:

I know you don't sympathesize with those who divorce for anything other than abuse. I was abused for 22 years and I finally got enough bravery . . . spunk . . . I don't know what to call it but I guess I finally got firm and kicked him out. I have been divorced 8 years. He remarried and abused her too and is divorced again. The problem here is that NO ONE knows I was abused. NO ONE. Except my closest friends. He IS so happy and well-adjusted and successful in front of people. No one would ever know he tried to kill me. No one would ever believe the boys and I lived in a woman's shelter.

I'm telling you this because I have kept my private life private. I don't share with anyone. And please, do not judge those who are getting divorced. Sympathize and use empathy, because you really don't know what may have gone on. There are many, like myself, who just don't want to broadcast that.

And let me tell you, the bruises were always in places no one would ever see. Just fyi. He IS a VERY discreet abuser.

Michelle, yours is the most beautiful posting I have ever read. And a great lesson for everyone. Why don't people work harder at keeping and improving the relationships they have? (And I also agree, abuse IS a reason to leave).

You could not have made your statement any better and made such a beautiful point. That divorce is a selfishness. It's a choise you make not to make things right between husband and wife. And
yes, the people who lose are the children. Every time. No matter how old they are.

AGREED! 100%... my husband just left me and my 3 children 6 months ago to pursue a "new life,"...moved out... filed for divorce... hardly sees our teenagers.... we were devastated.

But I am forced to move on and God is changing me.

Thanks for your reply to this article. You are SPOT ON!
God Bless :)

No one tried harder than me, but after 19 years of marriage and 3 young children my husband took up with a co worker who was being abused at home. Somehow he had more sympathy for what she was going through than what he was putting me and the kids through. I begged him to go to counseling and he wasn't interested.
Fast forward 18 years..............now he wants HER to go to counseling and she's not interested. And no, my adult children have never gotten over the pain. He and I are on better terms now and she is jealous of me, if you can believe it! If he had to do it over he wouldn't have been so selfish, but its too late. There have been too many compromised holidays and celebrations. Not enough can be said about hindsight..........and forgiveness, it has been my saving grace.

It is sadder than words on all...I say the smart one stay married..Your best friend just became your worst enemy....It is not discriminating although poor.wealth,attractive,smart..I guess that is the only fair thing about it

Thank you Michelle, your words touched me deeply. I have been married for over 30 years and my relationship with my spouse has been difficult to say the least. We were both shocked and saddened
with his cancer diagnosis recently. I am committed to caring for him, forgiving the shortcomings in our past and together making our days together as happy and full as possible.

Well I could of not said that better. It was exactly what happened to me. Selfish is really a mild word for it. The way it can complelety tear apart an entire family is devistating to say the least. God allows divorce for two reasons, adultery, and abuse. The rest is pure excuses.

Michelle, your comment is rather unfair. I was in a 16 year marriage that ended in divorce. I had my mother in law begging me to leave her son because she couldn't stand watching how he treated me. I took a vow, and was determined to see it through. The "for better, or for worse" part was ringing in my ears! I begged him to go to counseling but he refused saying all marriage counselors do is encourage divorce. Well, it came down to me finding out he had bee having an affair. I knew it was going on but couldn't prove it and he would not admit it. I found out, asked him what his intentions were, and he told me it was to eventually be with this other woman. As crazy as it sounds, I would have stayed with him if he would have just let her go. He eventually married her and was miserable (or so he told his mother). He repeatedly asked me to take him back, but I had already moved on. Marriage takes two. One person cannot carry the load for the couple. In my case, I would have stayed with him until the day he died (which was 2.5 years ago), regardless of his treatment of me because of our vows. Now that doesn't make for a great family household, and my children did suffer for the time we were together, but I tried as hard as I could, but it still didn't work out.

Wonderfully said. I'd like to add this: Don't have kids until you are absolutely sure that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Don't have babies with strangers! It ISN'T just "oh well, the kid(s) will be fine". No, they are not. Don't follow the horrible example the Celebrities give: Babies with everyone they do movies with or apparently walk by. Just look at how Those kids turn out. No commitment is not conductive to co parenting. Find some one you Love before you have kids!

thanks for that. Current times seem to focus on the failures instead of the successes. even when i look to the people around me it seems that more divorce than stay together. I think i needed to hear your story. thanks.

I, too, thought I would be married forever when I took those vows. Then I discovered that during the 23 years of our marriage my verbally abusive husband had been living another life, mostly when he traveled for business, but later-whenever he wanted to. I was a stay-at-home mom because we moved so frequently, and I took care of his life--did everything but go to the office for him. Even taught him to read financial statements and proofread his business correspondence. He became very successful. I stayed in shape, I am one of those women who gets hit on in the grocery store--but I've never been unfaithful. I still believe that my word is my bond.

About five years ago my husband began sending his credit card statements directly to our accountant at tax time, rather than having me do that part of our tax preparation, as I had always done. (He told me that AMEX was no longer sending out annual statements--and I,naively, believed him.) In May of 2009, he was out of town and had given me the online access info to make a payment on one of his credit cards. I brought it up with the most recent statement and saw that the previous weekend he had been someplace other than where he'd told me. There were charges for hot-air balloon rides, pink jeep tours--all for two--and hotel and bar bills. I felt like my blood was running out of my fingertips--and called a friend who is an attorney. I had suspected at other times in our marriage that he was being unfaithful. I was not a nag, nor was I 'confrontational' or accusing. Twice I had asked him if it were true. Each time, he reacted with such outrage that I felt embarrassed and ashamed for even thinking of it. Classic defense: Offense. But this time he admitted it, reluctantly.

And, he did not want to go to counseling, or try to 'work things out'.
So we were divorced.

Our children have been devastated. We all feel like we lived in an alternate universe--and never really knew the man we called Husband and Dad. In the past year, I've had all sorts of 'gems of truth' dropped in my lap by friends and family who all knew he was cheating on me from the beginning. I can't even think about most of my adult life without wondering what was true and what was an illusion...
Yet, I've met many women who've had similar experiences, some much worse than mine. I won't go into the details of the aftermath because it sounds like something out of a 'B' movie. The point is, I'm glad I'm not married to that mean, selfish, cheating bastard anymore. I hope the road rises up to meet him someday--and I don't mean that in the Irish blessing sense. I hope he hits a wall doing 80 on his Harley! He threw our lives away. Our memories, traditions, stories--nobody wants to hear stories that happened with another man. But I will be fine; I learned very quickly that I'll only be alone if I choose to be. I'll have new stories---and my children will have counseling. I'm still an honest, honorable person. The sad thing is that my former husband was never the man of integrity that I and our children believed him to be. And he is the type of guy who feels like the rules just don't apply to him--he continues to lie to our children about his life and mine. They are so fearful that he will cut them out of his life that they don't call him on his b.s. and there is nothing we can do about that, other than to provide continual emotional support for each other. My children are adults who know the difference between right and wrong--but he's their dad and they still love him, despite what he's done to our family.
And as for 'Boom--done'--he's kidding himself. His kids will feel the pain for a long, long time.

Jeremy
Experienced the same feelings several years ago. You think at the time its unique to you. Still miss the "family" dynamics.I am still renting a small place near where my ex lives with my son when he's home. I thought that would be a year or so, but I,ve been here 4 years. By the way my son starts his junior year at Michigan next week. Your son will love it