Divorce: Saying Good-Bye to the Kids and the Nest

What if one of the spouses is gay and has been living undercover for 23 years? What if you had to accept his little affairs and the fact that he showed no interest in you other than as a friend? It may have been in the best interest of the children to keep enduring, but does there ever come a time when the parent has a right to a life with someone who truly loves them (in every sense of the word)
Life is not always so cut and dry and tidy.

I could not judge this man or any other couples getting divorced. However as a divorced single mom of 4 which I have raised on my own I can tell you it doesn't get any easier.
I can also add that when I was growing up my parents had problems like most. When I was leaving the "nest" my parents came very close to divorce. But the old fashioned commitment that kept them together is something that escaped me as well. But I'll tell you that my parents went on to have a real partnership.
And a love maybe they didn't expect. They stayed as man and wife:Gods design, until my dear Dad died at 76. We were all there me, my 3 big sisters and of course my mom. She misses him everyday, as I do! All things are workable, adulteries,physical abuse, not so much. But I do beleive that if all is brought to God all can be healed.
It's not so popular anymore but in Christ all things are possible! Find a Bible teaching Church and pray..take the path less traveled!!

Thats so true, what an awesome story example to use..

THANKS MICHELLE... well said.

I am so glad that I did not stop reading until I read your reply,
My husband and I are like ships in the night. I fooled myself into thinking that others thought we were the ideal couple since we have been together so long. Our lovelesness has become public. At this point we don't make love and sometime we don't even sleep together. We don't talk about too much. We talk about this or that bill or the rudeness of each other. I think deeep in my heart we would leave each other if we knew how and would not get the blame for the breakup. I ask myself often if it is love after thirty years of marraige or is it that we are just use to each other. I am not sure what to do. I do want a better life and have had ideas that are against what I would tell someone else to do. We "start over" we say, about once a month but that never last long. I don't think we are in love anymore. Its that simple! If you have any suggestions I am open and need quick help at this point.

Beautifully and thoughtfully said.

I found my new love on Http://www.craigslisttipsandsecrets.com - Who would have thought?

Currently going through this same situation .... but I agree .... I would have stayed with the man "till death us do part" just as I promised even though we have been through all kinds of struggles ... It is sad that not enough people really take those vows seriously any longer.

My wife died seven years ago after a long battle with cancer, leaving me to raise my now twenty year-old twins. Shortly before the twins graduated from high school I retired, partially because I was exhausted from juggling job, family, taking care of elderly parents and the grief of losing my wife. Then, when the twins went off to college, my whirlwind life came to a screaching halt. Suddenly, and unexpectantly, I had nothing to do. My original plan was to spend more time on me - find a new lady, do some travel, develop new hobbies, lose weight, etc. But in reality, while I did a great job in preparing the kids for college, I did a rotten job in preparing myself for their departure. The first day alone I could not stay in the house, it was too depressing. However, what I did not know is that they come back more than you think. Christmas and summer vacations are very long for college students. I cherish the time they are now home, realizing that this reprieve from re-inventing myself will soon end in two years when the twins graduate from college and have to get real jobs. My son, as I am typing this, is packing up the van in preparation for the trek back to school tomorrow. Kids are our most precious product of life and while my life has been full of loss, I feel so fortunate to have them.

Michelle...I couldn't agree with you more! No one tries to make things work. We've become a disposable society and that, sadly includes marriages and families. I am also a product of a divorce after 28 years of marriage. As much as I miss the marriage, I mostly miss the unity of family. I miss the family get-togethers and the couples that were "our" friends. So many friends seem to fade away during and after a divorce. They feel like they have to chose sides and it's uncomfortable for them. I also know that my "golden years" will not even come close to what I had hoped they would be. Yes, we, as a society, need to try harder, not only for ourselves but for those we care about.

Those poor kids have to go threw a traumatic ordeal because of two selfish people. destroyed innocent kids' lives for the sake of selfishness.

I've been married 45 years. Lots of ups & downs over the years. Whenever it got bad enough that I did consider divorce, I always thought about what was best for our 5 kids...and the answer always was that the two of us--still married--still together, was best for the family. I couldn't ever make a decision about divorcing with only myself in mind. I don't regret having made the decision to stick it out--through good & bad...I always thought that I was marrying for life, and maybe that thought kept me going through the bad. Now all 5 of our kids are adults and on their own--we're enjoying our grandchildren and our retirement--together. My husband has changed a lot over the period of our married life--for the better, I'm pleased to say. He doesn't hesitate to credit me for being the force in his life that helped him to become a better man. At the wedding of our oldest daughter, a good friend came up to me to converse for awhile and shared with me her regrets of having divorced her first husband and not having "stuck it out" with him and "tried harder to work things out" for the sake of her first family--she said seeing our whole united family together on our daughter's wedding made her wish even more that she'd have stayed married and not gotten a divorce. I felt sad for her. But who is to say what is best for each different person in this life?

Wow, Michelle, your comments are helping me to put some things in proper perspective. Thanks in advance (of leaving a 25 year marraige).

Would this be Wayne you speak of and Judy?

Divorce is not always caused by one or both parties being selfish. Each situation has it's own set of problems. I will not go there in my situation and I would not go there in anyone else's. My only comment to other's who end up going through a divorce is "I am sorry it is happening to you." And then I go on maintining the home where my kids grew up in, not because "I" need it but I believe they should have it. That's all. For all the rest there's Mastercard !

Michelle, that was a very well written comment you wrote especially after reading this article. I commend you on that and it is so true. I was never one to be critical on people who are divorced but I can understand why. In our 3rd and 4th year of marriage it was so horrible.

My husband is an alcoholic. Combine that with me losing my job in this economy, my own health issues and very difficult to make ends meet for about 2 years, I felt alone. I obviously couldn't count on my husband in crisis. He one time chose drinking and the Super Bowl over taking me to the Emergency room for a excruciatingly painful kidney stone. I was angry. Angry turned into tears and I felt like I was just sucker punched in the stomach.

I found myself going 85 mph to the Iselin Metropark with tickets in hand to run away. Of all places, I was going to Washington DC. I chose it because I have never been and always wanted to go. I found it amusing that I was an American in distress of a different nature than what politics can deliver.

I wept to the point I was hyperventilating. My head was pounding. Mucus coming out of my nose and chain smoking. I looked over at the $ 293.00 car payment I have for 4 more years and I was calm.

All I knew is my husband had a serious problem unbeknownst to me and I felt like a fool that it was hidden in our dating lives. He killed his promises and my dreams in on beer bottle.

I also knew that I loved him. I knew this wasn't the man that I dated and married. My husband has always been a very casual person, non confrontational and smiling blue eyes like the Mediterranean.

Remember, I am broke and we have not just one but 2 car payments and I have no job. I said, "I hope you can live with yourself that you are doing this to us. It will be a matter of time that you will die of this alcohol and you will leave me a widow, broke and homeless. God have Mercy on your soul because I have none for you and I need you to leave."

My husband started crying. We talked and I asked a very simple question that only required a simple answer. "Jimmy do you love me?" He said with all his heart. I said if you love me the way you do you will go to an AA meeting and NOW; not tomorrow but NOW.

He was out the door to the AA meeting. I still felt alone. I can hear my mother say don't make his problem your problem. However his problems ARE my problems. I am his wife and his best friend. He has a disease and I have to be here to catch him when he falls.

My husband came back and I see it changed him immediately. The look on his face with 2 years worth of apologies written all over it. For the next 6 months was torture. He was trying to find his niche sober. It was almost as if his drunkeness was better than this.

Fast forward to present day. There is a lot more to this but he has now been sober for a year and a half and I am very proud. We are so much stronger in our marriage because of it. I will take being married to my husband over bliss any day.

In conclusion, I agree with your Michelle that unless it is an abusive relationship I don't pity anyone but the children. When I hear of loveless marriages, I hear an opportunity to create love. However, there are spouses that refuse to come half way and that is sad. I feel bad for the young ones in their 20s because to them love will pay the rent and conquer all then when they get into a tiff, it is not what they thought it would be at all.

Marriage shouldn't be what you thought................If you invest love and forgiveness in it, it will be the greatest thing that you ever imagined.

I love you Jimmy. You are my best friend in the whole world.

Most likely the vows, "Till death do us part" were spoken...
The keyword here is death. Not sad, unhappy, bored, unfulfilled, neglected, even abused.

It is a promise to the LORD. If you get married YOU made the choice and YOU should live with it.

Very well put Michelle

Some will say that it is better to divorce when you are unhappy. That it is better for the kids. Well present some facts because just the opposite is true. People who say they are very unhappy, through work will find out after 5 years that 85% are more happy.
Morals in this country are part of the problem, with a unfaithful spouse there has to be a willing lover on the other end. If you meet someone and they are married tell them to move on and work on their marriage. You will have done yourself a favor and the family of that person.

Oh, I agree with the previous comment so much. My ex and I divorced 12 years ago after three children and 28 years of marriage. I don't really know what caused the divorce, maybe just an argument that wouldn't stop. During out marriage we had never separated. Since our divorce we have never spoken. I can only say that you will not move on! Everyone that you meet will make so many demands and have so much baggage that you will begin to despise them. Happiness as you have known it will never exist again. That is why you are crying as you view those pictures. The end! Boom! And you are stuck in the reality of misery.

One should never underestimate the impact on children. we found great results from "tool kits for kids". They have a "build up your resilience" tool kit for kids that focuses on helping kids dela with traumatic events like divorce. they have others as well, but this one is great! take a look at www.toolkitsforkids.com