Divorce: Saying Good-Bye to the Kids and the Nest

You have no idea what you are talking about until you walk in the shoes of divorce. I would of not believed I would of been going through a divorce several years ago. The man I married is in a 57 yr olds body with a 10 year old mentalilty. Even his 22 year old son is not talking to him. This divorce has been going on for over a year and involves a 8 and 22 year old children. I always thought it would get better. He was not physically abusive, but has pretty much been verbally abusive and is a control freak. He controlled the money and me for 24 years. I got sober and smart and decided enough is enough. He also cheated on me which he will never admit. Don't judge unless you've been there.

My Dad was 88 when he passed in 2006, Mom was always the needy oneand is still alive. It was a 68 year marriage , he worked did well and was henpecked till the end. Many times he told me how he looked forward to death to get away from the constant bad attitude. Sorry to say but my mother was not a kind person. So I am so glad my childrens mother wanted a divorce. She has quickily married my ex best friend in 1997 been Bankrupt twice, he is an alcoholic chain smoking, bully. Her family hates him he isolates her, and is abusive. Sorry they are so miserable together, but better them than me. I joined AA in 2000 just had my ten year B DAy, and I have a life beyond my wildest dreams. I just sent my daughter to Europe to celebrate her graduation from law school she will be home in time to be a bridesmaid at my wedding. If I were not single I could not have sent my daughter to Harvard and she would not have such a future, her mother would have used all my money. I do pray for her and he husband, but I do not pray she returns.

My youngest just left the nest. I am beyond sad. It is so hard. I can't imagine divorcing at the same time. I would be so devastated. Good luck to this couple, and happy trails to those adorable grown up children... they are amazing.

Michelle and some of the others sound like they truly understand the sanctity of marriage. I am 69 years old and was 15 when my parents divorced. I had 3 younger siblings. It affected each of us in different ways which has lasted a lifetime. The only good thing that I got from the divorce was that it made me determined to choose a mate that I thought that I could love for the rest of my life. Their marriage gave me a blueprint for "What Not To Do". I provided a loving home for our 2 adopted children and tried to show them what a happy marriage was all about. Our daughter divorced the father of her 2 children after 13 years of marriage. We adored him and her only reason was that "He didn't make me feel good about myself." I told her that wasn't his job. She divorced again, this time from another man who worshiped her but she felt he was too "clingy." Her children were just as devastated about the second divorce as they were about the first. I feel that our younger generation has been brainwashed to believe that it's all about "ME" and to heck with anyone else. I have lived long enough to come to the conclusion that there is no "Good age", as far as children are concerned, for their parents to divorce. When children are involved, everyone suffers. Second marriages are certainly not a guarantee for happiness, just a guarantee that things will be different. With all of this said, it takes 2 to make a marriage work. If one decides that it won't work you may as well hang it up. I've been happily married for 51 years. My husband is now in early stages of dementia. You'd better believe my children are glad that their Dad is in loving hands. No one else in the world would take as good care of him as I will.

Beautifully written and filled with wisdom. You are apparently an undiscovered writing talent. I hope you continue to share your gift.

Life and relationships are not so black and white. Being so jugemental and so "right" doesn't seem very kind.

TRY! TRY!! TRY!!! I can't imagine a marriage without a bump here and there over the years. Sometimes the bump can even throw you both right out of the car...BUT YOU MUST REALIZE THIS IS A NORMAL FUNCTION OF THE SHARED EXPERIENCE CALLED LIFE. Get back into that car together, restart that engine, and start driving again! You will not only get through it together, but in time the drive you share together will be even BETTER than before!!!

For the most part, I agree with your comments. I especially like your suggestion that we love and devote ourselves to our spouse, as deeply and truly as we love and devote ourselves to our children -- unconditionally and forever. If only couples could work at maintaining that sort of commitment to each other.

I don't think relationships are as black and white as you portray. Sometimes, it isn't just a matter of "trying a little harder". Or even trying our best. After all, we are just human. I do admire your relative's husband and his decision to honor their vows and his devotion to his wife. I only hope that they both did experience some happiness and joy. Or did they each live their separate lives.

My mother, as in your relatives' case, stayed with my father, an alcoholic. I also think that he had experienced severe depression. My father, also, spent most of his time on the couch or in bed, as if he had given up on life. As my mother and father were emptying their nest, my mother worked two jobs and lived a lonely life. I'm not saying that she should have left my father. I admire her for honoring her marriage vows and doing what was necessary to get her children through college. It just saddened my to see her so alone and burdened.

With regards to Jeremy, it seems that your divorce is amicable. For your children, continue to celebrate holidays as a whole family. Obviously, you and your ex are a separate unit now, not a couple. I feel that children shouldn't have to celebrate two birthdays, two Christmases, etc. Nor should they have to worry about scheduling holidays with each parent or trying to avoid offending a parent.

This situation demands that you and your ex set an example for your children. Do not put your children in the middle of your conflicts. Do not talk badly about the other parent. Treat the other parent with respect. Consider how your actions will impact your children. Although you are grieving, so are your children. Their mental health and happiness should be your priority.

I wish you and your family the best. The road ahead will not be easy.

When and how did divorce become a constitutional right???
What about the vows (promises) made before one and all at time of whatever ceremony? What about for 'better of for worse' because it seems most married folks can't handle the 'worse' for their fairytale is only about bliss?

No child ever wants their parents divorced, regardless of age.

I have absolutely no sympathy for such non-committals who betray every one involved because they are emotionally, and perhaps even psychology, paralyzed/immature. Divorce makes absolutely no sense whatsoever; especially where those who repeatedly marry only to divorce as if high school sweethearts inside a high school breaking up to reunite until something better surfaces.

Each and every case is different and I have to totally disagree about marriage is forever for everyone. My ex is the one who suggested we stay together for the kids and secretly see who we wanted on the side. I said no. My ex is the one who did not work for 4.5 years, controlled the money then blamed me for economic problems. My ex is the one who refused to mediate and chose to fight with lawyers. I chose not to give up. Is divorce sad? Absolutely. My saddness is how he fought at the expense of the kids. In the end, he caused almost 100K in lawyer fees just to get 20K more than 50%. It's sad because that's just money. The 22 months of energy wasted was stupid. I told him that from the beginning and his response was "you will not divorce me or I will make it painful and bitter." It's sad because he put the kids in the middle every time. Taking them away on the weekends without notification. She was 15. Think about the worry that causes until one figures out where she is and when she will return. Yet, he never would tell me anything. So I don't regret leaving a controlling manipulating person. And several years later, the kids are begining to understand. The love both of us but they understand that the marriage was an illusion. I believe they know the difference between defense and revenge. I'm sure they wonder how a man that treats them so well could have been so selfish and wasted all four people's 22 months. 22 months of not being civilized. I'm happier out of that marriage.

How very eloquently...and truthfully put! "til death do us part" has very little meaning in such a self-centered American society. A good portion of the reason (in my very humble opinion) is because nobody has has a faith centered life anymore. Rest assured though, that there are some of us, who take the vows we spoke very seriously...I don't know what I'd do without my husband as a part of my life, and the ONLY thing taking me away from him is God!!!

No one knows what goes on in other people's houses, even though you may think of them as your closest friends. I too kept my abuse a secret for 24 years, thinking that something would make him happy and change. Yes, I broke my vows when I divorced him, but I don't think he was honoring and cherishing me when he was kicking me on the floor. I also have friends that are miserable in their loveless marriages and sometimes so much resentment has built up that people can't get past it. So why be miserable for the rest of your life? We all deserve to be happy and will live healthier lives if we are happy. We should never judge one another or even try to put ourselves in other people's situations. Yes, the children are affected one way or another. In some cases, a divorce is more difficult on the older children, and in other cases, the little ones. You can't predict it and there never seems to be a good time. As long as the divorced parents continue the acknowledge the needs of the children and reinforce that it is not their fault. However, there really is no way to explain your spousal situation to them. Someday they may look back and see what wasn't quite right and accept it and learn from it, without blaming either parent. We can only hope.

Maybe you've never lived with an alcoholic spouse or family member, I would like to let you know that it is abuse and it's also toxic to all involved. Just because someone isn't hurting you physically doesn't mean they are not abusive...I stopped the cycle with my children and I think they are thankful that I got out....FYI: It was not an easy decision, nor was it made quickly....

Michele, You think that relationship was all fine and dandy, but I can assure you that that man in your story was as unhappy as one can be...Some folks find change hard so it was eazy for him to do all the chores and watch her rot on the coach and just stick it out. For that I commend that strong, patiant man In my opinion that man suffered for so many years and he should have left her along time ago. Vows do not commit to torture.As for your comment about selfish reasons with divorce/seperation, you sound like a typical woman that was cheated on... Remember this Michele, and all you one tracked wives out there that if there is no food in the house then every male will go out to eat...Its nature so "Poop or get off the Pot"

I very recently lost my dad, and my parents were very near divorce. You say that you don't have any sympathy except for an abuse situation? My parents were together many years, and you know what I remember when they were apparently "doing the right thing" and not being "selfish", which is what you call divorce? I remember living in a home life where all I'd want to do is escape. All I wanted was for them to get a divorce and stop fighting. Any fight hurts the kids, and when you're in the divorce-worthy kind of fights? Too much, and you're being selfish by subjecting your children to that. I, personally, don't look down upon divorce. If I go into a relationship too young or too early to know the person (I don't plan on it), then there may come a time when I'm done and don't want to go through it anymore. Life is about being happy and living to the fullest, not being tied to someone and therefore hurting them and your other loved ones in the process.

In all honesty, any divorce is not easy and the children who are involved do suffer emotionally. My kids were only 2 1/2 & 5 when my x and I divorced. They even went through therapy. Still 12 years later and having a mom and a dad who both never re-married has even been more dreadful to them. I think if there is a family unit in place (2nd marriage, etc.) it makes it more bearable. The steadfastness of a family unit is VERY important. I hope to find that someday.

Trish

I am Norwegian (born there) Lived most of my young life in hill country in Illinois along the Fox river. There was a sixty meter ski jump there (home of the Norge Ski Club) The area was all Norwegians who built cabins which in some cases, like mine, became permanent homes. The point is, I must have known 40 Norwegian families at one time or another and I do not know of a single divorce. I am no expert but as far as I am concerned divorce is primarily selfishness, me,me,me,. You cannot live with some and only be concerned with me. (my wife and I have been married sixty one years).

No details were given for Michelle's husband's divorce. It was her husband, his ex-wife and children that lived through it while Michelle was a by stander. As for the relative that stayed with the wife, not surprising at all. When married to an alcoholic, all family members live the life of an alchoholic. Family members learn to deal with/behave certain ways to avoid confrontation and disappointment because of the alchoholic. Although it may sound strange, the family members have a dependency on the alchoholic much like the alchoholic has to their addiction. Having been married twice myself, divorcing the first due to physical/emotional abuse and substance abuse on his part (thinking it was better for my children and myself) to marry a second man that has been physical/emotionally abusive (although that stopped after being in jail several times for it) and an alchoholic. I have not divorced the 2nd husband (thinking we should keep our family together no matter what). I know how unhappy my children have been and how embarrassed they have been by their father and recently they have been asking me---"why have you stayed with him, he doen't deserve you and you deserve to be happy". I was with my first husband 10 years and 2nd for 22 yrs. Having wanted a divorce for the last 12 years, but thinking it was not best for my kids and trying to " set a good example" --- I believe I should have. I even told my husband that the day our youngest turns 18 is the day I will leave him. That day will soon be here and yes I will be doing it. I wish I had done it 12 years ago and had set a better example for my children. Although you may love someone and want to stay/work things out, the addicted person must take responsibility to help themselves and not be allowed to destroy the family. Addiction does in fact destroy families .

Michelle, you talk about alcoholism - Imagine living with a spouse who has a cancerous tumor that a doctor can easily remove, yet your spouse denies having the tumor and continually refuses treatment.

Life is too precious to waste on someone whose love of alcohol comes before you. Please do not judge anyone who choses to leave a miserable existence.

Michelle,
Several things about this article hit a chord with me,as well as your comments.
First of all ,when he said that his daughter wrote wee one,I welled up,because that's what I've call my children and my husband of 30 years,as a term of endearment for a long, long time .
Second, his Boom Done,said to me that the seperation/divorce may have been rash. If you have struggled many years to save a failing marraige,then Boom Done, is not a phrase you would use.
My problem with divorce is that people leave what were once good or great marraiges because they are going through a bad time. They cut and run at any sign of trouble. I'm not talking about abusive relationaships here,but just normal life stresses and ups and downs. ANY relationship,whether it is a marraige, a sibling,a parent,a friend,goes through tough timesIif you are in it for the long haul you work on it. Wait it out. I have loved my husband for 30 years. There have been illnesses and crazies from both of us. Financial periods of flying high in April,shot down in May,if you know what I mean. But, we never have given up on each other. This couple could have learned from their children.... Wee One, I've got your back.....