Divorce: Saying Good-Bye to the Kids and the Nest

Oh Vicki i fell bad for you... he is back ? how come ? you need to start loving your self more honey and don't be with a man that don't love you not because he is back he does it

Vicki ... you are in my prayers. God loves you and he cares ... please don't forget that.

Vicki, none of it was your doing, not one single thing. Some older men's hormones get out of whack and it manifests itself in their behavior, including severe depression. That wasn't your fault. You can CHOOSE to wallow in their passings, but I hope you will seek counseling and work your way out of your misplaced guilt. A daughter who welcomes her parent into her home, is special in the first place. Tomorrow is a new day for you. We hope you can breathe the air and make that fresh start.

hi Vicky,
I am going through divorce my husband meet someone in internet and letf my kids and me now he change relegion and he is planning in marring her. it is painful

Vicki I was really moved by your post. My wife and I are in our late 50s,we have been together for over 25 years. Now our realtionship has gone seriously downhill. Sexually there is nothing, which is devastating. I did have a sexual relationship with another woman for several years so I know how fullfilling good sex can be and how it can add so much to your life.

I have thought maybe we should split, but then when I consider the consequences of that it seems like maybe is it worth the cost? Just to get sex? Would I even get that? What if we split and then I dont find anyone else I can relate to? How could I possibly find someone else who would love me? Its almost laughable.

Anyone who has insight feel free to write me. Jitney10@aol.com

Richard

MommaG - Get over yourself.. To RICHARD - You are the epitomy of selfishness!! Sounds to me that all you care about is ME,SEX, SEX, and ME. Did you ever consider that just MAYBE if you showed the wife you had some affection and attention that she would respond to you? Of course since you have cheated on her, she should be tossing your butt to the curb, and frankly. I hope she does find out. I've been disabled for 13 years. The last 2 years of our 20 year marriage have been hell on my husband, and I KNOW it and I appreciate him more every day for it. Because of the severe pain I live in every day, we have not had sex in almost a YEAR! Does he complain? Yes, he is a man, but he also understands and he is patient asmy doctors try new things to get me pain free enough to have a life again. Does he go out to get sex? Hell NO! He is out working or he is here with me and our children. So quit your whining about "ohhh will anyone love me?" and "Ohh will I get any sex?" and GROW a pair! Be a MAN for God's sakes and not a self serving ass!!!

Vicki, Sorry for your losses. I, too have a mother with Alzheimer's. She always told me life was for the living and that is what I tell my kids. Try to take comfort that your mother's death might have been a blessing if she died peacefully and was able to avoid the terrible end stages of the disease. My mother is in the seventh year of the disease and it is not "living" by her definition.

Funny, I was thinking in my kitchen this morning how fortunate I am to be falling in love all over again with my husband of 24 years. We laugh about how we are on our own again after 19 years of a child centered household. Our lives will change dramatically over the next few years but thankfully, neither of us wants a "do-over" or feels cheated by how life turned out. We both seem to view our futures together and enjoy making plans. There are no guarantees in life, but I think we're going to make it and thrive. Best wishes to all.

"You either Put up or Shut up"...... That's what my counselor told me just the other day..... I can continue to complaine all the time about how everything is so rotton with my situation or do something about it! Her comment really hit home! The questions become "How can we continue to complaine about something and yet do anything about it"? "Do we just keep taking it from an abusive partner and teach our children to be in an abusive situation, whether they learn to be the abuser or are passive enough to become the abused"? Is this what you really want for your children? They WILL become abused or even worse, they will become the abuser - because the circle of life begins within the home. It what us parents teach them, they learn by example!

Good luck and Blessings to you also

Carrie, Your story is somewhat like mine. When I had been married for 24 years to a verbally abusive man he had an affair. When he left me and our 6 children he told me that he did not get the respect he deserved and he was going to leave and find someone who wouldntreat him like he deserves to be treated. He already had the woman and she was moving from another state to our small town. He lived with he for about 10 days then decided the grass wasn't all that green. I let him come home but a year and a half later I am still not sure if I want to stay with him. The memory of his affair is strong and very hard to deal with. I had always stayed because I did not have a scriptual reason to leave. Now I do and shelfishly I want out but we have kids 8 - 22 and I have to do what is best for them. I pray alot.

Carrie take a hard look at the situtation. Even if you can take it think of the effect it has and will have on your children.
I went through a similar ordeal and am happy that I left just shy of ten years of marriage. The children are happier too. My ex was verbally abusive and degrading to me and them when he drank -- which was just every day for the last 2 years we were together. He said he drank because I made him miserable. I believed that marriage was forever (my parents were married 55 years before Dad died) and I knew there would be rough spots in any marriage. So I stayed with him and I now realize I stayed for too long. I made excuses for his nastiness --- he only got nasty when he drank, he was out of work, his father passed away, his mother was ill, he was physically sick. I was a professional and his abuse of me, while painful, was countered by the respect I had of my colleagues at work. So as hard as he tried to pull me down, it never fully happened.
But I now realize his abuse and my acceptance of it to make peace had a corrosive effect on our children. It was warping them and affecting how they viewed me. It was affecting their own self-esteem and self-worth. Staying in the marriage for their sake was actually hurting them. It has taken three years and lots of counseling to help rebuild their self-esteem. I pray everyday that their father will find peace, but I am happy he is not here. Sometimes leaving is better than staying.

".. my son will have a whole life that doesn't include me and yet, he might just be happier."

Carrie, why wouldn't you have your son? Especially if he's just a year old. I don't understand? If your husband is verbally abusing you, why would you leave your son with him when you seperate?

Carrie,

My heart goes out to you as I read your words of desperation. I was once in a similar situation. A destructive marriage, two small children, Catholic parents who didn't approve of divorce and a feeling of guilt on my part for the failure of the relationship even though I was the one giving and giving and giving! I was tired!

I finally got the divorce (it wasn't easy!) took my share of the responsibility and the blame for the breakup and then got into therapy before I got into another relationship with another abusive person and repeated the cycle. It was hard work but freeing!

I eventually got remarried to a wonderful man and we have been married for over 20 years and I hope we live long enough to make it another 20 years! DON"T give up hope!

P.S. Both of my kids have turned out great also!