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Filed under: In The News, Teen Culture, Education: Teens
Tim Marsho stands by as his son Chris moves in at Grinnell College. Credit: Brian C. Frank, The New York Times / Redux
Matthew 19:5 tells us "a man shall leave his father and mother."
Then he shall dwell in the house of his fraternity or perhaps some form of university housing. Yet, beware! Woe to the child who bringeth home his laundry on weekends and holidays. It is an abomination in the eyes of she who bore him.
All right, so those last 44 words were improvised a bit, but you're still not supposed to live with your folks forever.
Nonetheless, it can be hard say goodbye -- for both parents and kids. But colleges and universities are trying to make the transition easier.
The New York Times reports officials at Morehouse College in Atlanta have come up with one solution: They've started a formal Parting Ceremony, a way for kids to tell parents, "How can I miss you if you don't go away?"
Incoming freshmen and their parents endure -- er, enjoy -- speeches at the school's Martin Luther King Jr. International Chapel. Then the new students are marched through the gates of campus and parents watch as the gates swing shut behind them.
No villainous laughter or ominous organ music sounds, please.
This is a serious moment. Separation at the University of Minnesota, however, is a little less formal. The Times reports parents are invited to a reception, giving their kids a chance to sneak off and meet their roommates without adult interference.
Parents. They can be soooo clingy and needy.
That's the problem, The Times reports. We live in an age of "Velcro parents" who are highly involved in the minutia of their children's lives, and colleges and universities want to cut the apron strings as soon as possible.
Administrators at Grinnell College in Iowa hold a ceremony where freshmen sit on one side of the gym while their parents sit on the other. President Raynard Kington greets students, his back turned to the parents, and, shortly thereafter, parents are cordially invited to get the %$#! off campus. In a nice way.
But they don't always listen. Many college administrators tell The Times parents often loiter about college towns and campuses for days.
Beverly Low, the dean of first-year students at Colgate University in New York, tells The Times of parents who attended the first day of classes with their daughter. Later, they stormed the registrar's office to change her schedule.
Joyce Holl, head of the National Orientation Directors Association, tells The Times colleges are increasingly telling parents to shove off.
Formal ceremonies are rare. More common, The Times reports, is explicit language in drop-off schedules telling parents when, exactly, they need to get out of Dodge.
This helps students talk to their parents, Thomas Dunne, the associate dean of undergraduates at Princeton University, tells The Times.
"It's easy for students to point to this notation and say, 'Hey, Mom, I think you're supposed to be gone now'," he says. "It's obviously a hard conversation for students to have with parents."
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
8-23-2010 @ 4:50PM
pear2gould said...it's my @#$% money going toward these @#$% overpriced schools--i can loiter and/or be clingy as long as i @#$# want! shooo!
Reply
8-24-2010 @ 1:39PM
HappyNat said...Well, I see you've given them the vocabulary to succeed in college.
11-10-2010 @ 8:13PM
Tom said...No, actually you're not entitled to it - you're paying for her to receive an education, which doesn't include the right for some foul mouth, clingy parent to stick his/her nose in where it clearly doesn't belong.
It's gone beyond absurd the level to which you hovering parents are behaving. Your actions only produce snot nosed, entitled children that think the world owes them everything -- well here's a tip - it doesn't!
8-23-2010 @ 5:23PM
Alicia said...Pretty much what my college did to my parents when I was a freshman. Made adjusting and making friends much easier because I didn't have to tag after them for dinner and stuff. It was scary and I cried that night, but hey, when taking off a band-aid, do it quick. Had to do it again half and hour ago when I left my mom at the security line to head off to Ireland by myself to study abroad for four months.
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8-23-2010 @ 6:39PM
Michele said...Hey, my daughter is going to be a senior at college this year, and every time she moved, I went and helped her move in AND took her friends to the greatest restaurant in town. She was happy to have me take care of things like hanging curtains, etc., and her friends LOVE to have me take them out. It's a win-win. Then, I go home the next day.
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8-25-2010 @ 1:03PM
Eric said...That's one thing - but I went to school with people whose parents were around at least once a week. I saw them as much as the student.
8-23-2010 @ 7:58PM
MemoriesGrow said...Nothing wrong with making sure your child gets settled into college safely (esp. freshman year). But I agree that the parents should leave their kids alone fairly quickly. My parents helped me get settled in my freshman year, but each subsequent year, I packed my suitcases and went back to school on my own. Now, I was traveling from LA to Boston so perhaps the distance helped force the "separation" a bit.
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8-23-2010 @ 10:53PM
dougalcandy said...For my daughter's freshman year my husband and I plus her grandparents all drove up to help her settle in. This year my husband will drive her and her stuff up and she can settle in with her roommate. Time to be an adult!
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8-24-2010 @ 8:43AM
betty said...My spouse and I have several college degrees between us, but knowing what went on at college campuses when I was there (and it's worse these days), we've decided not to encourage our kids to attend. I think it's best to get out into the work force, and go to college a few years later (if at all). Kids are too impressionable at age 18, 19, 20. One of my college professors was giving away passing grades for sex. Another was teaching his students that man/boy love was normal. I kid you not. And that was many years ago.
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9-22-2010 @ 6:15PM
Gail said...As a college professor, I say parents get lost! Part of being in college is learning to take care of yourself. FERPA regulations prohibit instructors from talking about students to anyone, even parents. If you can't trust your child, don't send them to college. All three of my children have completed their degrees and one is working on a PhD. I did not interfere in their lives. Raise them right and you don't need to be a helicopter parent.
9-24-2010 @ 11:41AM
Eva said...Well, I notice the bill comes address to me. I write the checks, sign my name and in the memo area I write in my kids student number. I notice one thing for sure, the checks are never returned because they are not signed by the kid. My child attends a college that costs me @$40,000 a year. I'm paying. Why shouldn't I be involved. But, now days alot of parents are not paying. Financial Aid is paying and that means, it doesn't matter how we might treat your kid, we just want the money. Parents, in many cases need to step in. Not all kids get treated right. Some are downright abused by colleges and have no recourse; no one to turn to. But, the college still gets paid. Parents need to be like MediVac helicopters. They need to swoop in and check on their investment.
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9-22-2010 @ 5:46PM
MomTo3GramTo7 said...Eva,
You are so right in your post.
The parents are paying 40k a year plus a lot of other expenses.
Some college kids are too imature and irresponsible. Parents MUST be involved in the childs college education for many valid reasons. Keeping your kid on track and costs to a minimum are essential for the paying parents. Why? Failing classes does what?
Aside from setting the student back another semester; it costs the parent to pay for another class and extended time in college that wasn't in the graduation plans. The college benefits financially when classes are failed by students! How dare colleges tell parents to bugger off. Plain and simple it happens because it is a huge chunk of income for the college coffers. Keep your child on track and passing classes for their own benefit. Making a graduate plan and following it to completion is difficult for young adults in many ways.
Social, emotional, educational, goal reaching, time management and the inevitable becoming drining age are often too much for a student to handle on thier own without direct parental support and guidance. That said, there will always be the exceptions. Not all students need the hovering parent present and are fully capable of hitting the college years, ticking off classes, managing social growth & development, setting and reaching goals, learning financial management, employment and being successfully productive person. But if you think about it; those kids are usually high achievers and many happen to already be entering college at a younger than their college peers. What goes along with those young kids who enter college early? A helicopter parent who keeps them on track!
Parents stand your ground and do what you know is right for you and your child.
9-22-2010 @ 7:31PM
Kirstie said...@ Eva--why are you paying for your child's college? My parents took out a couple loans in their name for me, but as soon as I graduate, they're going in my name. A+ for giving your kid that opportunity, though. (No sarcasm, promise!!) I never expected my parents to pay so i knew that if I screwed up or had to take an extra semester, that was on my back.
@momto3gramto7--I would consider myself a high achieving student, but went in at the same age as most college freshman, and my parents only hovered regarding homework and such when I was in high school. My parents said that if I didn't study, that was my fault and my money if I got a poor grade. They have enough to do at home and in their own lives beyond checking to see if their 21 year old daughter is doing her homework.
9-22-2010 @ 7:21PM
Kirstie said...When my parents moved me in, they helped move my things in, helped set it up and organize, hung out for a little bit, cried, gave me hugs and left that afternoon. My college, in a presentation to both parents and incoming freshman, told us to try not to go home until fall break in October--and that's the best advice I've gotten. I made my best friends in those first couple weekends and while I love my parents, that wouldn't have happened if they were hovering. In my opinion, I would find it really weird if a fellow classmate's mom showed up to the first day of class--cut the cord already!! But...that's just me, and the opinion of a college senior.
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9-23-2010 @ 1:18AM
Julie said...When I transfered to my college my parents helped me move into my apartment and set up a few things, bought me luch at subway and then said see ya later! They wanted me to do my own thing and I was so grateful for that because it helped me bond with my roommates without worrying about my parents hovering around. They are paying for college but they told me if my grades aren't good then I'd have to either pay by myself or transfer to an in-state school. Parents shouldn't hover around to make sure that their kids are doing their studies, thats the responsibility of the student and if they don't take it seriously then make them pay for it. Its college time to act like an adult!
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9-26-2010 @ 9:16AM
Lilly said...This week my 18 year old daughter will be heading off to an out-of-state college. Financial aid covered a huge chunk and I will be funding the rest for this year. She worked hard all summer and will be spending her own money for books, supplies, etc. The college will be helping her to find a job for the school year and next year she is going to cover her tuition - with loans, scholarships etc.
Neither one of us wants a long drawn out good-bye. I am excited for this new phase of her life to begin. I want to say that as a single parent I did a great job of raising this intelligent, motivated, self-aware, confident young woman. Will I miss her like crazy? Yes! Will I cry? You know it! Will I try and inject myself into her life every weekend? No. Does she know that her home is always here for her should she need it/us? Without a doubt.
My main goal all along with raising my kids (I also have a 15 year old son) is to help them become self-suffiecient, well adjusted individuals. They can't be that if Mommy hovers.
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