Hot on HuffPost Parents:
Franne Golde and Syd Fox: Love More, Fear Less: A Mother and Her…
Dr. Peggy Drexler: The Breadwinner Complex: Are Women Apologizing For…
'I'm Not Going to School and You Can't Make Me!'
Filed under: Big Kids, Bullying, Behavior: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Social & Emotional Growth: Tweens, Behavior: Tweens
As the new school year begins, more than a few children are struggling with first day jitters. Some may go so far as to dig in their heels, refusing to even get on the bus when the dreaded day arrives, leading to escalating punishments and bribes from Mom and Dad.
One parent may threaten, "If you don't get on the bus this minute, young man, you're going to be grounded for a month!" while another offers cash if their youngster will just cooperate.
Some kids are simply playing their parents, hoping to delay the inevitable or make some pocket money by pitching a fit. But there are others who are genuinely terrified to step back onto the schoolyard after having endured an awful year at the hands of bullies. For children who have been the victims of taunting and teasing in the past, the thought of heading into another school year can be unbearable, regardless of Mom and Dad's well-meaning pep talks, or their promises that this year will be different.
If you have a child who is legitimately anxious about returning to school, here are a few things to keep in mind:
- Encourage your child to avoid engaging with kids (crying, whining, pouting) if they bother him. Displays of weakness offer bullies the reaction they're looking for. The best first response is to simply walk away.
- Help empower your child with role plays that teach her body language and verbal tools she can use to deter a would-be bully. "No! Back off! Stop bugging me!" can help communicate a level of assertiveness that will make a child less of a viable target.
- Talk with the teacher or principal about arranging a meeting with kids who have been bullies to establish clear, firm consequences for any and all unkind behavior.
Most importantly, allow your child to offload her concerns freely, and don't engage in debates when she announces that she's quitting fourth grade. Offer empathy and support: "I understand you're afraid of going through more of the awful things that happened last year. We're going to make some changes so that doesn't happen anymore.
Give your child the chance to express her fears, work with the school to establish a strong No-Bullying policy, and empower your child so she feels safe at school, and those school jitters will become a thing of the past.
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Have a question for AdviceMama? Submit your question here
Your<span>Voice</span>
Ask Us Anything About Parenting
TheTalkies:RelatedVideos
-
Free Free: A Social Bullying PSA
The 6th graders of Unison Assembly schools and Citizen Schools in Brooklyn, NY created a PSA to talk more about the dangers of social bullying
-
Citizen Schools Bullying Documentary
Citizen Schools NY produces an in depth documentary about bullying
-
The Three Strikes of Cyber Bullying
The 6th Graders of the Urban Assembly Unison School in Brooklyn, NY talk about the Three Strikes of Cyber Bullying
-
Verbal Bullying
The 6th Graders of the Urban Assembly Unison School in Brooklyn, NY talk about Verbal Bullying
SitesWeLove
- Site Map
- |
- Staff
- |
- Terms of Service
- |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Trademarks
- |
- Advertise With Us
- |
- About Our Ads
- |
- AOL Downloads
- |
- Contact Us
- |
© Copyright 2012 AOL Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Aol Family
ReaderComments (Page 1 of 3)
8-30-2010 @ 8:20PM
jen said...Sometimes it's not a bully but the day to day creativeness-killing routines of sitting at a desk doing numbing work all day with a teacher breathing down your neck to do your work "or else"... Oh wait - that *IS* a bully!
Reply
8-30-2010 @ 11:04PM
Nikolina said...I taught public school for 25 years. I returned to college and earned a Masters Degree as a Reading Specialist, attended many, many educational workshops in my "spare time", and spent thousands of dollars of my own money for supplies to enrich the curriculum for my students. Yet, isn't it interesting? No matter what problems a child has in school, its ALWAYS the teacher's fault. It couldn't possibly be that the child is misbehaving (knowing Mom and Dad will definitely take his side), or that the parents have been advised that the child's homework isn't being completed but fail to address that at home, OR that the parents have made remarks about how teachers (principals, counselors, etc.) are worthless, incompetents ever since the child was a newborn, No way!!!! Its the teacher, right???????????
8-30-2010 @ 11:04PM
Charmaine said......ok so what are you implying? Kids shouldn't go to school????
8-30-2010 @ 11:25PM
Vivian said...A sure way to get them to want to go to school, is to home school them for a year. It worked for me.
8-31-2010 @ 1:44AM
swickham3 said...Sounds like you need to see a therapist.
8-31-2010 @ 3:51AM
Simzee said...There's only one way to feal with a bully.........
8-30-2010 @ 8:23PM
Hannah said...I think some of the things here are totally false. I am 16 and I struggled with anxiety from bullying just last year. I had to get police involved because the parents and teachers weren't even trying, and the police really didn't do much either until the bullies were involved in more serious offenses. Just having a parent meet with a teacher and them creating some crappy program isn't going to stop the bullies from doing what they do best. I tried things like that, like the things in this article, and I found no success in most of them. With the not engaging with kids who bother you, this can become a serious issue as well. Last year when I was bullied, I was basically left by myself because so many people didn't want to be around me. I became very anti-social, very secluded, and it just wasn't working out. Also, with the assertive speaking and body language, they are false as well. If a bully really wants to pick on you, then they will no matter what you say or do. I was very assertive to the bully in my life and they just kept coming at me like flies on poop. Luckily for me, I made friends with the new kids in my school and we now have our own little group that secludes itself from everyone's drama. I didn't have that last year, and thank god I have the new people in my life that make everything a lot better throughout my day. Get a good friend or two and be REAL friends, not the disposable type like society demands you have. Those friends and your family are what will really support you in the end, not some stupid school program that they don't really enforce.
Reply
8-30-2010 @ 8:34PM
smrweim said...This article was kind of limited to bullying. Why are we assuming that is THE reason kids don't want to go back to school. If that is the case, then we really have some social issues in America. My kid has transition problems mainly because summer is fairly unstructured and the school year can be demanding academically and activity-wise. Things like getting enough sleep, eating well...having down-time, these are important things too. Not sure why this writer was so narrow.
Reply
8-31-2010 @ 2:54AM
Karina said...I couldn't agree more!! What does bullying have anything to do with returning to school after a long summer vacation? I understand that bullies are out there but I doubt that this article had anything to do with those animals.
9-01-2010 @ 8:39AM
rerynchris said...Well, offering money to your kid to do what he/she is supposed to do is a joke, and parents who offer their kids money to go to school really deserve all the outrage and crying their kid puts them through, I only wish I would have behaved like that when I was a kid. But yes there are kids who are really scared to step foot in school because of these bratty bully kids. I think all bullies should go to some kind of detention center. And let bigger kids pick on them and see how they like being bullied on. But for those kids who just are to darn lazy to go to school, well get your butt up and take your self to school and get an education and learn, study so you can end up in college so you can make something of your self, because mommy and daddy will not be around for ever.
Reply
8-30-2010 @ 8:39PM
Chuck Simmons said...How about arranging a winner take all fight with the parents of the bully:)
Reply
8-30-2010 @ 10:00PM
Dave Rotthoff said...How about preferring criminal charges against those doing the bullying. Another idea: tell the school system you want your kid in a private school with the school system paying the tariff IF the bullying doesn't stop. Or get the bullying documented and then sue the parents of the kids doing the bullying for the cost of private education, There are ways to stop this happy horse$#*%!
8-30-2010 @ 11:56PM
jotwinowski said...Dave: The trouble is that it is almost impossible to document bullying. Bullies are not necessarily stupid; they pick their time when there are no adults present and kids will be unwilling to become involved and become targets.
Nor is it very easy to define bullying. Once upon a time, if there was no physical contact, it wasn't bullying. Unfortunately we have found that particularly sensitive kids can commit suicide over words on a computer, never mind laughing and jeering in person.
Finally, Public Schools have very few tools and very little incentive to become involved. You come with a complaint thet A is bullying your B. A's parents come roaring in to the Principal's office screaming that B is lying to cause trouble for their precious A, who would never, never, never bully anyone. You are absolutely positive that your darling B would never, never lie about something like this but A's parents are just as sure that their precious A would never, never lie either. What is the school supposed to do? It is one kid's word against another and very rarely can you find witnesses or physical proof.
8-30-2010 @ 9:15PM
Ed said...IF YOUR CHILD IS BEING BULLIED AT SCHOOL, DON'T GO TO THE SCHOOL AUTHORITIES SUCH AS THE PRINCIPAL. PRINCIPALS ARE A BUNCH OF IDIOTS WHO WILL DO NOTHING BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO ADMIT THAT THERE'S ANY TROUBLE AT THEIR SCHOOLS. INSTEAD, GO TO THE POLICE & LET THEM TAKE CARE OF THE BULLIES!!!!
Reply
8-31-2010 @ 3:59PM
Willi Luthy said...I think this isen't a goog idee. The police will go to the principal and you get nothing, Learn your kid to fight and so he is taken care of it. I tell you with my black bealt a 14 I had no more problems
8-30-2010 @ 10:10PM
patricia said...MY DAUGHTER WAS BULLIED HER 2ND YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL, WE TRIED TO HELP HER, BUT SHE WOULD NOT GO TO THE SCHOOL PRINCIPAL. HE WAS AN IDIOT. WE FINALLY WENT TO AN ATTORNEY, HE RAN A BACKGROUND CHECK ON THE GIRL, THERE WAS NOTHING. WE WERE GOING TO FILE A HARASSMENT CHARGE AGAINST HER FATHER, SHE CAUGHT WIND OF THIS AND STOPPED. ALSO 2 YEARS LATER MY DAUGHTER WAS WITH SOME FRIENDS, THE GIRL WAS THROWING ROCKS AT HER, SHE FINALLY WENT UP TO HER AND TOLD HER IF YOU THROW ONE MORE ROCK AT ME, I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS. MY DAUGHTERS FRIENDS WERE BACKING HER AT THE TIME, SO THE GIRL BACKED OFF. IT TOOK MY DAUGHTER STANDING UP FOR HERSELF TO STOP IT COMPLETELY. THE GIRL APPOLIGIZED TO MY DAUGHTER ABOUT YEARS LATER.
8-30-2010 @ 9:26PM
mike said...Lets make a deal? with your small child, how smart is that? not very, act like a freaking parent instead of his little buddie, tell him or her, tough crap, you dont want to go to school get your self ready to go, it's not anything you have a say in, lol, what whussies todays so called parents have become
Reply
8-30-2010 @ 10:10PM
patricia said...Yes, I agree, who is the boss in the family, my daughter did that when she was 11 years old. I told her stay home, but I will not write you an excuse. The next day she went to school, I had called the Principal, told her to make sure she asked for an excuse and punish her as needed... Believe she never pulled that again. She never knew I called the school, until she was grown.
8-31-2010 @ 3:05AM
Karina said...About time someone made that question!! Who is that parent and why is the squirt trying to run the family? I cannot believe the crap kids are trying to get away with these days......they do it because they know they have a shot. This was NEVER heard of or even IMAGINED back in my days (1980's). And yes, the proper person to call is the POLICE...... not wanting to go to school when it's required by law..what is going on? Parents should be penalized.
8-30-2010 @ 10:24PM
piggy said...Too f-ing bad---you don't want to go to school? then I'll take you down to Tiajuana and can work as a jerk off for 50 cents a day...give me a break...parents got to kick some butt sometimes...
Reply