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Want to Win Custody? Become a Helicopter Parent
Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Expert Advice: Teens
What do you call a dad who texts his kid 30 times a day and photographs each message?
Quite possibly "the winner" -- in divorce court.
Increasingly, courts are defining "good parenting" as "helicopter parenting," says Gaia Bernstein, a Seton Hall law professor who wrote "Over-Parenting" with Zvi Triger. Their paper looks at how divorce court judges are beginning to reward the parents who hover -- even smother -- the most. And parents are taking this to heart.
"We talked to attorneys and they describe this 'race for involvement' that's going on," says Bernstein. "So if somebody's about to get divorced and it's the parent who was less involved, the divorce attorney tells them, 'Now you have to get really, really involved. So you should get to know all the names of your children's teachers and friends and the parents of the friends, and coach their Little League, and attend Parent-and-Me classes if the child is young ...' "
While the lawyers also caution their clients not to overdo it, they always do. Hence the 30 dad-to-kid texts a day (photographed to use later as evidence of "involvement"). Hence not just coaching Little League, but coming in and taking over. Hence setting up playdates and sitting through every piano lesson and hovering to the point, says Bernstein, where "they leave the children with no independence."
All in the hopes that the judge will reward them.
What's disturbing is the judge just might. After all, we are clearly in an intensive parenting moment. A mom who lets her third grader walk to school could be considered "negligent" for ignoring the extremely tiny chance he could get kidnapped. A dad who lets his daughter knock on a neighbor's door could be considered "lazy" for not escorting her there and back. When the courts start actually codifying things like, "A good parent is one who drives his kids to school every day," helicopter parenting becomes literally the law of the land.
The belief behind it is that the more we love our children, the more hours we clock by their side. The problem with this is that if you take the time to teach your child how to tie his shoes, you don't have to spend the rest of your life tying them. Which means you don't have to spend quite as much time squatting next to his sneakers. Which could mean that, in the eyes of the law, you -- literally because you taught your child some independence -- are a bad parent. At least compared to the one who is still bending down, making bunny ears, year after year.
Why are we rewarding parents for stunting their kids?
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 3)
8-31-2010 @ 4:38PM
askydancer said...oops, I meant weight, not wait. :) It's been a long day!
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10-06-2010 @ 2:18PM
1toogrownup6 said...I am a child of a divorced couple. As an 11 year old I had to make the decision myself as to wether or not I felt my mother was fit to be the parent I should live with, and as an 11 year old I knew she wasn't. I then moved in with my dad and stepmother who tried to 'helicopter' the oldest kid in the family to the point he was rebelious. People can smother and poke and prod for information in their kids like, but it will only backfire on you when they get out into the real world. If people are too ignorant to realize that this is 2010 and you need to prepare your child not only for the things in life to come, but make sure you are there for them too and always lead by example. However, it is still a good idea to know the types of people your child is hanging out with and where they are staying.
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8-31-2010 @ 5:06PM
cyenna said...Probably "helicoptor" parents do not have more than 1 child. If a parent has multiple children they certainly don't have time to hover over each of them.
If this truly is a problem the author of this article would serve our society greatly by advocating and pronouncing the benefits of multiple siblings in a family, and by not promoting a controversial topic that does not create solutions, rather more complaining and ego boosting.
Thank you for reading my opinion.
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9-01-2010 @ 4:49PM
TC said...Helicopter Parent = "I believe you are too weak and stupid to do this on your own".
Havefun with your 30 year old babies.
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8-31-2010 @ 5:26PM
gena said...I am a single mom with one boy (before anyone starts in, let me explain that his father died when I was 2 months pregnant, so...) But anyway, with my kiddo I try to find the balance. Instead of rushing him from one organized activity to the next, we sit in the floor and play action figures. We talk everyday about his day. We are great friends, because he knows I love him, respect him, and trust him. Best part is that i get to show him that by letting him make his own decisions when it comes to problems and opportunities in his life. (but not about what he gets to eat for supper!)
When something goes wrong for him, we stop, look, and say "Okay. That was an obvious failure. What would be a better plan for next time?" I try to help him see the value of every "yes" and every "no" in his life. I emphasize empathy, compassion, independence (because I believe in him) and his own self worth. Still, I know that at some point I am going to make mistakes with him- mainly because I know I am not perfect. God, I hope and pray none of them end up with him dying or being kidnapped.
Still, there are obvious bad parents. And then there are the bad things that happen to good people. My child is more at risk in the car, around fireworks, or near a swimming pool than he is walking next door to the neighbors, If I were to start trying to protect him from everything not only would he live in a giant bubble, but he would never know heartache, sorrow, disappointment, rejection, or suffering. And yes, those things are important. While I don't wish them for my son, when I lost his father so suddenly, I learned what I could take. I learned how strong I actually was and how amazing my support system is. I learned about the beauty of hope and the need for comfort. And I learned how to rebuild. I learned that i COULD rebuild. We deny our kids valuable lessons about who they are and who they could be when we hover trying to shelter them from every possible bad thing. You can not do it. Everyone will go crazy from you trying.
This world has the potential to be tough and good (sometimes both) and they need to know and be ready for it. I think parenting is about giving them the best foundation so as they leave and become and start to build, no matter how hard they get hit-or how hard everything crumbles, they know you still love them. I mean, one day I won't be able to whisper in his ear what I think he should do, and when that time comes, will he be a strong, fearless, and moral enough man to know what to do? I hope so...
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8-31-2010 @ 5:27PM
amberncnc said...I think the writer has the definition of hellocopter parent incorrect. A Hellocopter parent lets the child act on their own to an extent but as soon as their is a problem the parent swoops in and fixes everything. This behavior does not stop when ther child is little. It can continue well into adulthood. I have seen parents do everything from covering bounced checks to asking Professors at their child's College for a syllabus of the class the 18 yr old is taking. Calling the kid every morning to wake them up for class. It is a pattern for failer.
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8-31-2010 @ 7:49PM
Dee said...THANK YOU!!
This is what I have been trying to say! This author has a problem with parents being "afraid" of pedophiles, as this is the 2nd article in about 2 months she has alluded to what I will now call "pedophiliaphobia" and how NUTS we must be.
A helicopter parent is NOTHING like what she is making them out to be. She is describing 2 very different idiots if you ask me. I am, in her words, a "helicopter" parent to 3 kids. I don't hover, I buzz in and buzz out as needed. But her definition throws me in as a full-fledged helicopter parent who doesn't let their kids handle life. And that does not constitute playing in traffic on their bikes or walking thru dark alleys alone at night, as she obviously thinks is a good idea.
9-01-2010 @ 12:34PM
gena said...@ Dee Actually Lenore wrote a great book called "Free Range Kids" and in it she makes a clear distinction between safety and helicopter parenting. She is a fan of safety: helmets, seatbelts, staying on sidewalks out of traffic, etc...but the problem is that the umbrella of "safety first" has branched out so far (fueled by lawsuits, the need to sell products, and our own fear and imagination) that we are so uninformed of what can actually hurt our kids we are protecting from everything and equipping them for nothing. The people most likely to hurt your kids sexually are people YOU bring into their lives- coaches, dates, counselors, baby sitters, etc... They are more at risk riding in your car than walking to a friend's house. I'm all for safety and parents being available. But you can't live your kids' lives and sadly that is the only way we can protect them from everything. So you pay attention, do your research, and realize that actually, according to recent statistics on crime the world we live in is probably a lot safer than it was when we were kids (even if it doesn't feel that way)...
8-31-2010 @ 5:35PM
KJTrucks said...Hello!!???? The 'parents' shouldn't be "TEXTING" their children.
This is obnoxious! They need to grow up. And so do their lawyers. What kind of parenting is this?
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8-31-2010 @ 5:48PM
Donna said...Judge not lest ye be judged, folks (Matthew 7:1). My husband and I both went through nasty divorces and vicious custody battles. And I lost my youngest son for a time. But he came back and he's a far better man for the experience.
Thank God our children are now grown and for the most part, sane and happy. Divorce is painful for everyone. My advice to all of you is this... be who you are. Do your best and trust your instincts. I made a commitment to myself and my kids that I would always strive to be the one solid, positive, consistent person in their lives. I wasn't perfect, but I did my best. And it worked. They are parents themselves now and I see them following my lead. Set the example. You will never be sorry.
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8-31-2010 @ 6:07PM
Ned Sheats said...Actuallt it would have been even better if the parents had dated a little longer, found out they were not meant to be, not been married and not had the kid,.
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8-31-2010 @ 6:40PM
ty said...This is crazy. When my husband and I divorced it was Not on friendly terms. Our kids were 8 and 9. We didn't make our kids choose between us or fight each other on this. It was our problem not the kids. They were able to go back and forth between us without fear. The only time we didn't let them is it was because they were mad at one parent. People shouldn't take it out on the kids, thats just sad.
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8-31-2010 @ 6:35PM
seriously said...This trend has the potential for further harming emotionally abused women. Quite frequently the husband will call all of the shots, and even keep the mother out of the children's activities. Once again the A holes get rewarded! Controlling people take over. What may seem to be an uninterested, uninvolved mother may in fact be a mother who is suffering greatly at the hand of a man she is supposed to be able to trust. So getting away from this abuser will mean losing her children... That is BS!
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8-31-2010 @ 7:12PM
Mel said...If I die tomorrow, I die knowing my children can and will know how to function in life. That is my job as a mother and my husbands job as a father to give them the tools and experience they will need for the real world. The constant hovering and following around will only create lazy and socially retarded children that will turn into incompetent adults. Adults that will not be able to hold a job or relationship cause they will always be looking for someone to do it for them. WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!! COMMON SENSE!!!!
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8-31-2010 @ 7:43PM
Eulaha said...To all of you who enjoy putting down single parents- get over yourselves. Marriage is not for everyone, and marriage is NOT a prerequisite for having children. The "Leave It To Beaver" model of family life is a very small majority. Today's family consist of single parents, gay and lesbian parents, extended family, etc. Just because YOU feel we should all be married before having kids doesn't mean that's the way it should be. It works for YOU, but not for everyone. You're way of thinking is NOT for everyone, so stop judging others.
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8-31-2010 @ 7:44PM
Fallaya said...Oh and for the record, I am a single mom to a beautiful two year old, and MY DAUGHTER'S FATHER and I get along fabulously.
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8-31-2010 @ 9:07PM
Dee said...I've been a teacher for 25 years, and I can tell you that the most painful thing for children of divorced parents is not the divorce. It's the incessant fighting and bad-mouthing each other. Please, I implore you - if you are divorcing, no matter HOW angry you are, be a parent first. Be an adult: 1) Do not say nasty things about your ex to your children. This is hurtful to them. You are insulting their other parent. They are not getting a divorce. You are. And these insults will only backfire in the end. 2) Try to keep custody issues OUT of the court system. Attorneys will prolong divorce cases because they are paid by the hour, and courts do not know and love your children. Put your differences aside for a few sessions (use a mediator if you need one) and figure out together what is best for the KIDS, not best for you. By the way, kids need both parents, and unless one parent is dangerous to the child, the kids should have a relationship with him/her. You don't have to like it. Your kids love Mom and Dad, flaws and all. 3) Never, ever ask your child, "Who do you want to live with?" This question makes them sick. They don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and they often pick the parent they feel will suffer more without them, instead of the parent they would actually prefer. Asking them to make this choice is like asking a parent which of your children would you like to save from drowning, Bob or Mary? It's a terrible choice that no child should be asked to make. 4) Don't use the negative behavior of your ex to be negative yourself. Someone needs to step up and be an adult. Why not you? If you model appropriate, mature behavior, maybe your ex will follow suit in time. If not, at least you will know that you did your very best to protect to the interests of your children.
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8-31-2010 @ 9:09PM
Dee said...By the way, I am NOT the same Dee who posted earlier in the thread.
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8-31-2010 @ 10:12PM
Dee said...Thanks for clearing that up. I mean really, is every "Tom" on Facebook the same guy????
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9-04-2010 @ 12:43PM
lenona said...Lenore, have you considered sending that column to Dr. John Rosemond? His latest column is about how 1950s children had a lot of freedom in multiple areas and how well-meaning parents are now stripping them of it. Namely, the freedom of not having to learn to read before age 6, not having to play adult-organized games after, say, age 8, etc. (Granted, the other four freedoms he lists are not freedoms most modern kids would appreciate - but that's because they're kids, who can't see the big picture.) To find the column, search on the first line: "Question of the Week: What do today’s children seriously lack that children in the 1950s and before enjoyed in abundance?"
Anyway, I think he'd be pretty interested in how the LAWS are pushing unwilling parents into helicoptering. Scary.
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