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Ex-Husband Only Calls Daughter Twice a Year and She's Furious!
Filed under: Divorce & Custody, Expert Advice: Big Kids
Dear AdviceMama,
My 8-year-old daughter has not seen her father for over three years. After our divorce he just picked up and moved across the country. He only calls my daughter on her birthday and Christmas. She is hurt and very angry with her dad. She often cries and tells me how mad she is at him. How can I help her deal with her feelings?
Signed,
Heartbreak
Dear Heartbreak,
When parents divorce, it is their responsibility to do everything possible to help their children manage the fallout of such a monumental upheaval. Being a mother or father means giving up the luxury of living without concern for one's children, and stretching beyond what's comfortable to soften the blow on the innocent bystanders that their children become when a marriage ends.
That is, in an ideal situation.
Your daughter's feelings are entirely normal. Her anger is the outward manifestation of her deep hurt and sorrow, a function of grieving the loss of something so vital. As awful as it sounds, unless her father is willing to come on board, she will probably experience significant emotional pain around his absence, perhaps even trying to make sense of his lack of involvement by thinking it's her fault, or that she's not lovable enough.
I assume you have tried to convince your former husband to become more involved and that he's not interested or legally obligated to do so. Perhaps he would participate in a telephone mediation with a neutral professional who might better communicate to him how much his daughter needs him, without triggering the defensiveness he might feel if you approached him yourself.
But regardless of what your former husband will or won't do, by allowing your daughter to safely vent her anger and hurt with you, you'll help her avoid repressing her feelings or taking them underground.
She may want to write her father a letter (even if she doesn't send it), expressing how much she longs for more contact with him. You might consider arranging for her to have a few sessions with a family therapist who can help her move through the grief of her father's abandonment. In addition, you may find a support group for children of divorce, which would allow your daughter to realize that she's not alone in her distress, and help her feel supported by other children facing similar difficulties.
While no one can replace her dad, make sure you have a strong circle of close adult friends -- including men -- who feel like family to both of you. This will be especially important as she grows older and needs other caring grownups to lean on besides you.
Most of all, let your daughter know that your love is rock solid. With your steady support and the ongoing opportunity to give voice to her grief, she will find her way.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
9-07-2010 @ 5:03AM
bb&j said...this is very sad , but happens all too often. as a divorced father I know and understand how It feels. I too are considering moving to better myself, because the awful lies my ex used created so much division through my kids I need to get awqy for me. I love my kids very much but it is always something and I want peace in my life for me. the court system should not allow these things
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9-12-2010 @ 2:23PM
carrie said...I understand that this is your situation. However I'm on the butt end of this situ.
My fiancee has a 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage. His Ex wife (say i call her AMY) and him divorced when their daughter roughly 2 years old. The only reason he calls home for her is for his daughters sake. But AMY doesnt take part on his behalf.
When he tries to call or even visit, AMY puts up a big fuss and wants nothing to do with him seeing his own daughter. I know this hurts the little girl in question. Because I know shes upset when she cant see daddy or talk to daddy on the phone because her own mother is doing this.
But why target the ex dad?
He tries everything to do with his daugther and the mother in question is not in her right mind and tells her own daughter things she shouldnt.
Now that my fiancee and I have moved to another state just 5 months ago, he's afraid to call back to Florida for the fact that Amy will put up a bigger fuss.We moved so he could find work and that didnt settle well with AMY. Right before we moved, she panicked and thought my fiancee and i were taking his daughter with us.She hasnt calmed down since.
He pays his child support. In the months when he cannot afford it, he'll pay something towards it rather than nothing. He is a good dad! He takes and has taken an active part in his childs life. But its sad to know that couples that divorce use their kids as a pawn like AMY does.
to the original story, have you thought about his side of the fact why he only calls twice a year. maybe you and your ex dont get along because u scare him off. try seeing his side of it. maybe u two can be friends for the sake of your child. so dont go blaming him for only calling twice a year.
im a mom myself to a wonderful 5 year old. i may have harsh feelings for my child's father, but i wont stop him from seeing or talking to his child for the fact that this is his child. that is his daddy no matter how i feel. right now he is an underachiever, i have custody of my son, when the time is right i'll welcome the fact when or if he's ready to see him.
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9-22-2010 @ 9:08PM
laura thompson said...He calls only 2x per year. Don't make excuses for his immature behavior. A man who genuinely cares about his child(ren) would step up to the plate despite what he has to face. You are actually blaming the mother for his immaturity. When you achieve adulthood, you begin to realize what is important in life. Your children should be very important. You made them together.
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9-28-2010 @ 12:46AM
carrie said...kudos to guyrightz. thank you for posting your side to the story. like i said with my previous posting. She denies him visitation and or contact. My fiancee does pay support and is active in his daughters life. Hence the reason why the mothers inablilty to understand why her ex only calls so many times a year. the father in question complies with the court as should the mother, but yet has to go thru drama with baby mama, being threatened jail time or no visitation, of course hes going to get tired of it and leave the situation. Fathers who have noncustodial rights of their children, still have rights! they didnt choose to give up their rights to these children. the mother is normally a primary care giver. but what about those cases where the father has custody and the mother has to pay child support. its rare, but IT does happen! there are alot of fathers out there who need people like us to help stand up for them! they are not lazy or deadbeat. they just need extra help . and its not always about the money either. i dont like when women say "he didnt pay again this month! or he 's late!." child support should be expected but guaranteed. be aware there are going to be times where he cant pay that full amount (do u really want him driving on a suspended liscense because he cant pay his own car insurance because u need the money more? what if he had your child for the weekend and got pulled over for a busted tail light then found out his liscense was suspended, he goes to jail and the child goes back to mommy crying " what happened to daddy?". then the mommy said he paid his child support and not his auto insurance. the kid needs to spend time with daddy, not have to hear about him not paying his support.
frustrated at stupid couples for having kids and money gets in the way!
9-22-2010 @ 8:05PM
jimbarry1946 said...A friend of mine had the same type of ex. I don't think he called his four daughters even a couple times a year. He didn't pay child care. He was in the area once for a class reunion, but didn't want the girls to know because he didn't "have time" to visit them. Fast forward twenty years and he wants to be super-grandpa.
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9-23-2010 @ 11:04AM
guyrightz said...There is always 2 sides to the story. I myself have been called a dead beat dad by my ex and telling the boys. When the truth to the matter is I paid and I tried to contact my boys but the ex wont supply a phone # moves and doesnt give a address change. She will have her boy friends threaten me. And on top of it the courts will tell a man to go back to court over and over and then continuation after continuation. So that could be the reason the father only call's twice and he is tired of the games? I have written a book on the mans side of issues to help them and the stepmothers on what to expect. Divorce is not the end with kids just the begining of problems. Look on facebook for STUPID GUY IN THE MIDWEST.
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12-23-2010 @ 1:52PM
Serena said...You only heard one side of it. I raised a child whose father was angry I had moved about 1/2 hour away for work. He even tried to get the courts to agree I should drive her to see him??! When he didn't get his way, he punished me by not seeing our child. That damage and more rages on decades later - in the adult who was that innocent child. Parental Alienation Syndrome exists. And I've seen what it can do when one parent is that incredibly sick. It's not always the moms. I'm not saying that's the case here at all. But at the end of the day - alienation is alienation no matter why it happened and the child is the one who pays. Daughter doesn't need to do anything about this - Mom does. You've got to HELP him resolve this horrid mistake, even if you have to wear a muzzle to do it! She cries before you, because you are her protector. If you don't do that job, she's lost TWO parents, not just one. Put on your mommy panties and go get it done. You know you can, I know you can, it's important your kid knows you can.
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