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How to Deal With Bullies: Advice for Parents

by Brett Singer (Subscribe to Brett Singer's posts)
Sep 7th 2010 4:00PM

9Comments

Filed under: Health & Safety: Babies, Bullying

School bullying

If you suspect your child is being bullied, don't ignore it. Credit: Corbis

We know bullying happens. So, what should parents do if their child is being bullied -- or is a bully? To get some advice, ParentDish spoke with Ross Ellis, founder and chief executive officer of Love Our Children USA, a group dedicated to ending "the cycle of violence against children."

How do parents know if their child is being bullied?

Bullying can be hard to detect, Ellis says, but there are often signs that something is going on. Depression, for example, or a fear of going to school. Also, be on the lookout for an unusual amount of crying, unexplained bruises or a drop in grades. If you notice any of these symptoms, Ellis says, don't wait -- talk to your child immediately.

What should parents say to a child who is being bullied?

That depends on the child. If you have a child who likes to handle things privately, Ellis says, advise him or her to walk away. Shy children should "employ buddy systems. Bullies don't like to bully groups."

Also, it's important to speak to the bully's parents. But don't expect a warm reception.

"Some parents, sadly, live in denial," Ellis says. "[But] if someone is telling you that your child is a bully, how can you ignore it?" It may hurt to hear that your son or daughter is bullying another child, but parents "have to nip it in the bud." No matter what the response, Ellis has some advice for both sides: Stay calm.

"No parent can overreact on either side," Ellis warns.

What can parents say to their child if he or she is being a bully?

It depends on the child's age. Bullying can start as young as 3 years old, Ellis says.

"A little boy is in the playground with you. He pushes someone down," she says. "Say, 'We don't do that.' Reinforce the kindness, the niceness. Kids follow their parent's lead. If you're a kind and compassionate person, your kids are going to learn from you."

As children get older, the situations can become more serious, and Ellis thinks kids are meaner now than ever before.

"You've got the Internet," she says. "You have the kids who want their 15 minutes of fame. Kids don't understand what the repercussions are from their behavior."

And it's up to parents to tell them, Ellis says.

What role does the school have?

Ellis cautions parents that too many schools don't treat bullying as seriously as they should.

"They believe it needs to be taken care of at home," she says. But parents need to remember that "when [your child] sets one foot on school property, the school is in charge."

If things get really bad and the school will not step in, you may need to change schools. Ellis reminds us of the case of 13-year-old Patrick Kohlmann, who suffered a concussion after a student threw a rock at him. Eventually, the family relocated from New York to South Carolina, and they are much happier, according to Ellis.

While moving to a new state may sound extreme, sometimes that's what it takes. In the past, bullying was less severe, and could be considered a series of isolated incidents. But not anymore.

"You have kids committing suicide," Ellis says. "It's a national crisis."
Related: Florida Book Project Puts Kids Inside Bullies' Heads

Tags: bullies, bully beatdown, BullyBeatdown, bullying, BullyingInSchools, evergreen, Love Our Children USA, LoveOurChildrenUsa

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