Failure to Stay Launched: Boomerang Kids Moving Back Home

by Mary Beth Sammons (Subscribe to Mary Beth Sammons's posts)
Sep 8th 2010 3:15PM

Filed under: Empty Nest, Research Reveals: Teens, Expert Advice: Teens, Home Base

Failure to Stay Launched Andrea Melendez

Finally launched: After returning home to her parent's roost, Andrea Melendez finally moved out when she got married. Pictured here with her husband, Ricardo, and son, Ricardo too! Credit: Courtesy of Andrea Melendez

You just unloaded the SUV, assembled the futon complete with zebra-print sheets and kissed your youngest goodbye as you dropped her off at college, but your mind is already racing with visions of all the ways her now unoccupied bedroom at home could be transformed.

An exercise room, a home office, maybe a guest room? Don't reach for the Pottery Barn catalog and vino to celebrate your newfound "home alone" lifestyle just yet. There's a good chance your 20- or 30-something "older" child could be returning to the nest.

Multi-generational households -- demographic jargon for "Guess what, Mom? I'm coming home ... For good" -- are on the rise. Suddenly, Junior's not just mooching your food and lugging his laundry home on weekends, but you're the real-life Kathy Bates folding your 24-year-old's workout clothes and making his bed, ala the plot of "Failure to Launch."

Only, there's nothing romantic about this real-life comedic twist. And, bummer, Matthew McConaughey is missing from this picture.

According to a Pew Research Center study released last spring, Americans are reverting to mixed-generational living. And, confirming the Pew findings, more studies have noted that rising unemployment and recessionary economic forces are spiking the trend of more extended families living under one roof.

Today, more than 49 million Americans -- more than one in six people -- live in households with three or more generations, according to Pew. The percentage is even higher for age groups including 25- to 34-year olds, and those 65 and older, where one in five, or 20 percent, live in extended families. The study also finds that from 2007 to 2008, the number of Americans living in a multi-generational family household grew by 2.6 million.

The pace at which multi-generation households are growing is quickening, as well. Pew data shows that between 2000 and 2009, the number of those households jumped 33 percent. And it's hitting from both ends. Not only are more young adults backing their pickups and unloading their apartments on their parents' driveways, but Grandma is pulling in right behind them.

With the family home bursting at the seams, families are shopping for larger multi-generational abodes. Real-estate firm Coldwell Banker surveyed 2,300 of its agents, and 37 percent said they noticed more families were seeking houses that could accommodate multiple generations. There's even a guidebook now available with tips for "living together again."

The recession and high unemployment rates are fueling this trend, Paul Taylor, Pew Research Center executive vice president and co-author of the study, tells Advertising Age. He says the trend has been accelerating rapidly, fueled by demographic and cultural shifts, such as the rising number of immigrants and the rising age of young adult marriages.

In addition, undergraduates are carrying record-high credit card balances -- the average balance grew to $3,173, the highest in the years, according to a Sallie Mae study. This is causing young adults to seek financial refuge at home, says Sharon Lechter, founder and CEO of Pay Your Family First, a financial education organization.

"The boomerang effect may not only reduce their expense, but also their self esteem," Lechter tells ParentDish. "My son, Phillip, found himself mired in $2,500 credit card debt his freshman year in college. When his father and I refused to bail him out he quickly learned that his part-time income did not cover his expenses. He returned home for his sophomore year until he could get his debt managed and realign his budget. He was able to move out again to complete his college education."

As with the case of Lechter's son, most young adults are eager to strike out on their own again.

"Usually moving home is temporary and transitional," Jeffrey Arnett, professor of psychology at Clark University and author of "Emerging Adulthood: The Winding Road from the Late Teens through the Twenties" (Arnett Hardcover, 2004), tells ParentDish. "Despite the 'failure to launch' stereotype, few young adults want to live at home because life is easy there and the rent is cheap. Most would rather live on their own so they can run their own lives without their parents looking over their shoulders, even if it means living at a lower level of comfort."

All this begs the question, "So who's the boss?"

After she graduated from college, Andrea Melendez of Miami, now in her late 20s, moved back into her parents' home for four years while she worked as a teacher.

"There was no way I was going to be able to pay rent on my own," Melendez, who now is married and out of her parents' home, tells ParentDish. "It was tough on us because I had been away in college with no one to tell me when to do laundry, wash the dishes or be home on time."

She says she had to "sit my parents down and have a talk with them." When they saw it her way, she says, "It worked out."

So, your adult child has decided to move home. There are things parents can do to keep the peace. Arnett offers these tips for parents to help keep their sanity when the nest fills up again:

Know when to speak up and when to keep your mouth shut.
Expect to be called upon for financial and emotional support.
Keep your nose out of love and, especially, your grown child's sex life.
Ditch the helicopter parenting mode. Know to respond to their needs, rather than control.
Learn to enjoy your relationship as one adult to another, rather than parent to child.
Remember, emerging adulthood does not last forever. "It will be over soon," Arnett says.

Related: Am I Horrible for Being Excited That My Daughter's Returning to College?

ReaderComments (Page 9 of 15)

Add Your Comments

9-13-2010 @ 10:44AM

kathy c said...

I read these comments a lot but this is the first time I have felt the need to respond to them. I have two adult children living with me and if they ever felt the need " to have a talk with me about their living situation" or wanted me to "see it their way" I would show them the door. That's totally disrespectful. We pay the mortgage here and do not want or need their help but they contribute in any way they can, be it monetarily for food and supplies or to help out with the chores--this works best for all of us. I do not meddle in their love lives and never have, just as my mother never did with me. That's a very valid point. It's always a delicate balance and we have to remember that we all have different personalities. But the bottom line is we're the landlords, not the roommates. They are welcome here as long as they are respectful to us and to the house. All of them work hard, but as people have stated before rental units in the city where they work are extremely high in comparison to earnings for someone just starting out in the workforce. This is also an area where you have to work your way up.

9-13-2010 @ 10:45AM

Rick B said...

Not to be able to make it on a teachers salary, why not? To teach is something you have to love and you certainly can not be in it for the money, it is rewarding in other ways and you can make a good living at it and the benefits are great but it takes a little time to get to that point so sometimes you have to give up things to make it out there in the big bad world. To say she had to "sit my parents down and have a talk with them." When they saw it her way, she says, "It worked out." Why should the parents see it her way, it is their house and she should see it their way! What was this girl doing while enrolled in school! You guessed it living on her own and enjoying the "all expense trip to college!"

My son has came back numerous times and the door is always open, and it is not easy living with him. If my wife and I are ever in a situation where we needed help and could not live on our own my kids will help us out also! I will not die alone and I am not a grumpy old guy but sometimes you have to look at other options (two jobs, no new car, eating at home and not wasting away your money) The fun will come and everything will work out, I remember having to give up lots to make it but my wife and I made it and in fact she is back in school at 48 to make it a little better.

9-13-2010 @ 11:12AM

Patricia said...

"It was tough on us because I had been away in college with no one to tell me when to do laundry, wash the dishes or be home on time." Must be nice!!!! Its called taking responsibilty & cleaning up after yourself. If you're eating meals together be considerate & be there ON TIME. Glad she's not my daughter. What a "spoiled" brat.

9-13-2010 @ 10:48AM

Tess said...

My adult children have always been welcome to move back home if there was a need. My only rule has been, to treat me at least as well as they would, if they were a guest in the home of one of their friends. We all need a safety net from time to time, and we are especially blessed if we have family that care for each other. Who knows, someday I may be knocking on their door.

John F.C. Taylor said...

I moved back in with my parents when I was 41. Dad had a series of strokes and mom couldn't take care of him alone. Dad passed away and the house was too much for mom to handle by herself, so I stayed to help her. Good thing I did. When the economy went belly up, I lost my job. I take care of the household chores for mom in exchange for living here. By the way, mom is now 96 years old.

9-13-2010 @ 11:44AM

Good for you! Your mother is lucky to have you.

9-13-2010 @ 11:53AM

loufalce said...

You did the right thing.What this generation forgets is that mom and dad did for their children what they had to do. Far, far too many of today`s "me first" generation would rather send their elderly parents off to a nursing home because they are too selfish to realize that it is their turn to "return the favor".Nothing, absolutely nothing will ever stop me for doing the same for my mother if it ever comes down to this.She was always there when I needed her, and I will always be there if she needs me. Case closed!

9-13-2010 @ 10:51AM

red said...

If you get along with your adult kids, then there shouldn't be a problem. There are some that will not be respectful, not hold down a job even if it pays very little, and they will party to all hours of the night. My mom and I shared a house that we bought my father out of and my sister came to live back home and it was a virtual nightmare. She took over the house and was disrespectful. She told people in the neighborhood that she owned the house. We threw her out several times.

We started supporting her and her family and my mother and I had to sell the house before we lost it. After we settled in separate apartments, we had to file chapter 7 bankruptcy.

Depending on the situation, it could be a blessing or a curse, but from what I see from the pool area in my home because I bought a townhome recently that borders on one, these kids do not have respect for anyone if they are partying after 10pm in a pool area that is closed and everyone has to call the cops on them. If they do this now, what will they do when they are adults? These kids don't even live in my development and their parents don't seem to care. If they ever get on their own, they are in for a rude awakening.

9-13-2010 @ 10:59AM

AMUS said...

I have 2 rules in my house for my adult kids.
(1) If your going to school, you can stay with me free.
(2), If your not in school,, GET A JOB and pay me rent.
There is no way I would let them stay and not bennifit either themselves or ME.

9-13-2010 @ 12:50PM

Sean said...

Normally I wouldn't write on these boards. Sorry not everybody has a perfect life. Until you walk in somebody else shes people do not have the right to judge. Just as some people have stated you don't know the whole story. I have an 8yr old daugter lost my house my job and my wife kleft me. And I broke my arm requiring surgery. And not allowing me to work. I had no choice. What do you think people should do.

Just to be clear if your kids grow up. And something bad happens you won't let them come back. I would love to see it. I would never turn my daughter away.

9-13-2010 @ 11:00AM

sara said...

If we came home we paid rent to live there. None of us did that and I had roommates till I found a job to rent alone. Parents need to have a spine and be parents. This gals situation merited the parents saying "no" or having her contribute to household. She is a leech--not a good daughter.

9-13-2010 @ 11:09AM

liguy said...

I recently had to move in with my parents at the age of 53, after living very well on my own for almost thirty years. Why? When the economy tanked I lost my job and the bank took my house. I had nowhere else to go that was affordable, even with roomates. New York rents are very expensive. Fortunately, my parents house is configured with a separate studio suite with it's own entrance separate from the main house. They are almost 80 years old and can use some extra help around the house, so it helped them out too. I pay rent, and have a part time job, but I have no intentions of living here for four years!!!!!!!! As soon as I am financially able I will be moving out to a rental, even though I always owned a home. Another friend of mine who is in his 40's just did the same thing, he converted his mother's garage into a bedroom after losing his income.

9-13-2010 @ 11:02AM

Jean Bailey said...

If you have any or get along with your parents (and visa verse), then why not stay at home until you're ready to go out on your own? I only wish I had that option! I envy people who have family, especially those who love and respect one another. I have a friend who honors her parents. She stayed at home after graduating from college, and when she bought a house, she had enough money to pay it off. Of course she helped with expenses while living with them. To be mortgage free and in your late 30's is unheard of these days. She'll always live within a few blocks from her parents and anticipates taking care of them (not having to, but is willing to) when they get on in their years. I envy their relationship. There's a hole in my soul from being from a broken and dysfunctional family.

9-13-2010 @ 11:03AM

nita said...

Last comment for me.

There has been alot said about the validity of "toughing it out" when it is not necessary. Why can't a kid go home and lean on parents until their situation is better? Why should you struggle if your parents are more than willing to have you at home? What sense does "toughin it out" make? If you don't take your kids in now, will they take you in later?

My answer... more questions?

Will the situation ever be really better?
Without a certain level of thankfulness and humilty toward your parents, some clear goals and expectations, and a kid willing to work to change the situation.... probably not. If you are that kid willing to do these things, this doesn't apply to you anyhow.

Why shouldn't you struggle?
You build character, mental stamina, and a sense of pride knowing that you have done your best, taken lemons and made lemonade. If all else fails you are welcomed at home, but if you don't try you will never know what might have succeded.

What sense does giving up and going home make?
In every situation there will be obstacles to overcome, you move home it will just be a different set of obstacles otr the option to not overcome at all. Tell me how is either of those situations "better".

Finally, how in the HELL are they going to take care of you if dont let them learn to take care of themselves?....Self explanatory

9-13-2010 @ 11:05AM

John said...

The problem here is expectations from the children that their parents will always be there to bail them out. If you can live rent free and have a personal maid to look after you, you probably will seize the opportunity.
I advised my three sons when they were about 15 that when they turned 18 the free ride was over. If however they showed exceptional academic promise they could stay at home and attend junior college. Only one availed himself of that opportunity and tired of it after one year. all three enlisted in the military after high school and two retired from the military as officers with advanced degrees they earned on their own. The third spent 6 years in the Navy and later earned a batchelors degree on his own.

Parents do not do their children any favors by guarding them against the realities of life, especially boys. All three of mine now have very successful careers and more importantly the deserved pride in knowing they accomplished these things on their own. I am terribly proud of them all, and yes we have a good relationship.

Dragon Lady said...

I was raised in a multigenerational household and continue to live in one. I have lived out on my own but when my dad became terminal my family and I moved in with my parents to help my mother with my father's care. After he passed we stayed to help my mother. I don't think people realize that from an educational standpoint the benefits of the younger family members are getting. I grew up listening to the "war stories" of my grandfathers and dad, uncles etc. There were family members in the house that could remember lots of historical events and we kids were able to benefit by hearing it not from a text book stand point but from someone who actually lived through it. The support system gained from extended family members living together is better than phone calls and emails. They are there to give you a friendly ear and advise but more importantly a hug when needed LOL. My mother is well into her 70's now with a laundry list of illnesses. Myself and my children are her caregivers now. If we lived elsewhere then there is the chance that mom could get injured and have no one there to assist. The only option then would be to move her to a facility and she will not leave her home (understandable) and besides our family was raised that no one goes to a facility period. Our parents raise us to be independent but there will come a time when ALL of us have to repay that favor so to speak. Being in the same household makes it so much easier on everyone. Just my 2 cents on the subject.

Valori said...

That Andrea is hilarious. She sat her parents down and explained the rules when she moved back into their house! What a joke.
She should have groveled and thanked her parents for allowing her to get her head out of her ass and make some money. What would the nitwit do if her parents weren't around? These so-called educated college grads who can't do it on their own are amazing. They are just spoiled brats. Learn to function on your own!!!!
I can only imagine how much the valuable college education cost the parents. The kids need to step up and pay also.
Cut your spending and start budgeting like they should have taught in your comedy schools of higher education.
Whatever happened to working your way through school? How about roommates to cut costs? Ride a bike or take public transit.
The list goes on. If there is a will there is a way.

9-13-2010 @ 11:15AM

rainy_day said...

This whole thing to me is very interesting. I can't judge one way or another, that is not my place, but it's difficult for me to imagine ever moving back home. When I graduated from college, I had almost $20,000 in student loans. I got a job when the economy was still good and worked hard and saved some money because I knew it wasn't going to always be so sunny. I was laid off two years ago, but because I had worked hard and saved for my rainy day, I didn't have to move back home while I found another job. I waitressed in the mean time and met a lot of great people that way. I'm now in the process of saving for my next rainy day and I'm very proud to be standing on my own two feet.

MaryAnna said...

look at this::"She admits living with her parents for
4 years while she taught was 'tough,'
but she couldn't pay rent on her own."

In case no one else noticed, this is what it said on AOL's front page that lead to this article. It's no wonder kids are moving backhome. They have to teach their "journalist" parents how to write the English language!! AOL: WHAT do you call that mess? Is there ANYONE there who can write without several errors in grammar and spelling as well, including on your front page???

9-13-2010 @ 11:20AM

boatjob1 said...

What ever happened to that burning desire in your gut to strike out on your own and blaze your own trail? Grab, growl and try to make something of yourself? I have been paying taxes since I was 14 (started with 3 paper routes) and haven't looked back. I also moved out on my own while I was still in High School. At 34 years old I owned my own Corporation (I’m 50 now) and have absolutely no tolerance or sympathy for whining, lazy wimps that want everything handed to them on a silver platter. Be responsible and get off your tails and get to work whatever it takes. You are pathetic and weak! I am glad that my days on this earth are numbered because one day, people with this (everything is owed to them) attitude are going to run this world. Makes me sick!

Previous 20 Comments 7 8910 11 Next 20 Comments

Hot on HuffPost Parents:

Failure to Stay Launched: Boomerang Kids Moving Back Home