How to Communicate With Your Child's Teachers

We frequently tell young children to use their words. But parents sometimes need a reminder to use the right words, especially when talking to others about our offspring. Here's ParentDish's guide to what is and is not OK to say to officials at your kid's school.

"Instead of frogs, why not dissect a llama?"

Do express an interest in what your child is studying in class.
Don't use the time to bring up what you think is wrong with the curriculum. Remember, schools plan that stuff way in advance. Demanding that Dostoevsky be added to the reading list once the school year is half over is an exercise in futility. If you are really that concerned about what your children are learning, talk to school officials before the school year starts.

"Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach! Get it? Funny, right?"

Do be friendly.
Don't impress the teacher with your (imagined) knowledge of pop culture. ("Have you heard this Lady Goo Goo all the kids are wild about? Puh-puh-puh-poker face ...")
Don't quote random movies ("You can't handle the truth!") or use this time to practice your comedy routine ("How many teachers does it take to change a light bulb? None! It's against union rules!").

"Did you know Shakespeare was a communist?"

Do stay away from politics and religion. No one wants to hear that you do or don't believe in God, that you did or didn't vote for President Obama or that you are or aren't a member of the Tea Party. School is about your kids, not you.

"So, what time do you get off work? Wanna stay after class?"

Don't flirt with your child's teacher. It will not endear you to them. It's creepy. Even if you're single and the teacher is willing, this will not end well. (For an example, watch this episode of "Parenthood" on NBC.)

"Last year, the teacher served ice cream on Fridays."

Don't compare the current teacher to a previous one. It's fine to mention something that Ms. Crabapple did in order to get Johnny to stop eating lunch while standing on his chair. Not so fine is explaining that last year, Ms. Crabapple had her students reading "War and Peace" in Russian while calculating Pi to 150 places, and that you feel the current curriculum may cause Johnny to be ignored by Ivy League admissions officers.

"Can you tell me how Candyland will help prepare my daughter for the SATs?"

Don't talk about getting your kid into college too early. And, by "too early," we mean "elementary school." Asking the school how they plan to process the flood of Ivy League applications you will be sending 10 years from now puts a big scarlet L (for "lunatic") on your head. When the time comes to actually apply to college, count on being ignored by everyone in sight. This doesn't mean you can't work yourself into a neurotic pretzel on your own time. Just don't invite everyone over to share in your psycho party.

"You will rue the day you met me and my children!"

Don't threaten to go to the media, bring the school to its knees and ruin the careers of everyone who works at Hubert Humphrey Elementary if they do not obey your wishes. It will lead to your kid being known as the son or daughter of That Maniac and That Maniac is you. Plus, it simply won't work.

Do raise the issue calmly and in an appropriate manner if the goal is to get a teacher to stop mistreating your child. Hint: Phrases such as "you're an idiot," "I hate you" and "drop dead" are not appropriate.

"I don't understand this grade. Why do you hate my daughter?"

Don't be too sensitive. Giving your child a C-plus doesn't mean a teacher has it in for your little one. Shocking as this may seem, the kid may have done C-plus work.
Do try to figure out what happened, if this grade is unusual. If this is the norm, it may be time to consider a tutor.

"My son bruises easily."

Do tell the gym teacher if Johnny has an injury that would prevent him from participating in class.
Don't tell the gym teacher Johnny is too delicate for dodgeball, especially when you are within earshot of his classmates. That's a good way to guarantee an epic pummeling via red-rubber ball.

Here are a few more phrases that should never escape your lips when dealing with your child's school:

• "Don't worry. I'm sure no one else has seen those pictures of you on Facebook."
• "He never does that at home."
• "We had no idea chicken pox was contagious."
• "You went to college? I'm surprised."
• "We've never tried that. But I know it won't work."

One final tip: Do show up on time for parent-teacher conferences. Especially if you live in Detroit.

Bottom line: Don't be afraid to ask questions about what is happening at school, and do get involved as much as your schedule allows. Just don't antagonize the staff. They are, after all, in charge of your children all day long.

Related: Make the Most of Parent-Teacher Conferences