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Should I Keep Loaning Money to My Adult Daughter?
Filed under: Relatives, Empty Nest, Relationships, Expert Advice: Just For You, Expert Advice: Family Time, Expert Advice: Home Base
Dear AdviceMama,
I've loaned $5,000 to my grown daughter (she's in her 40s). She has also borrowed money from her sister and stepmother in the last year and a half. She has two homes, one that she and her family live in and a vacation home in the mountains. They had their motor home repossessed and are having a hard time making car and mortgage payments. I am about to retire and I really don't want to give them what I have saved towards retirement. Also, I think it wouldn't solve the problem -- it would just be a temporary fix. Of course, she's not too happy with me right now (she has hinted at needing another loan) and I feel bad. Thanks for your input.
Signed,
Reluctant ATM
Dear Reluctant ATM,
I'm sure you've heard this many times, but it's true: Don't lend money to relatives unless you're in a position to part with it forever. While I'm sure there are exceptions, I can't count the number of conflicts I've seen between family members over borrowing -- and repaying -- money. The loaner says, "You told me you'd repay me in February and it's August!" while their adult son replies, "Well you obviously you don't care about your whether your granddaughter gets to go to preschool!" And on it goes ...
No doubt your daughter intended to repay your $5,000, but if she's in over her head -- which sounds like the case -- you are definitely going to be at the end of the line when it comes to how she pays off her financial obligations.
Given the fact that you're about to retire, I wholeheartedly support you in deciding not to loan your daughter more money. You deserve to benefit from what you have worked hard to put away for the coming years so you can take care of yourself.
And I agree that simply handing over more money will not solve your daughter's problems. It could even prolong them by postponing the inevitable time when she and her husband take stock of their assets and liabilities and start living within their actual income.
But keep in mind that there's a delicate and indelicate way of letting your daughter know that she cannot expect more bailouts from you. Avoid lecturing her about how she has handled her money. Your harsh words will only further alienate and upset her.
Instead, empathize with her situation, and acknowledge how stressful it's been for her as she's tried to juggle everything on her financial plate. Tell her you're there to support her (emotionally) as she tries to sort out her financial challenges, but don't tell her what to do unless she asks for your advice! Be careful to avoid coming across as judgmental. Saying things like, "You shouldn't have bought that vacation house!" is not going to be helpful, and will only create more tension between the two of you.
If your daughter asks for more money, gently tell her, "I'm afraid that won't work for me, sweetheart." Then give her the room to express her disappointment without defending your position. Once she clearly knows what she can -- and can't -- expect from those who have been helping her financially, she'll be able to make decisions about how to get out from under her debt.
This doesn't mean you can't surprise your daughter or grandkids with an occasional check or bag of groceries. But let that be something you choose to do, based on your financial situation.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 4 of 11)
9-23-2010 @ 10:48AM
beth said...Tell her to grow up!
Reply
9-21-2010 @ 8:47PM
stung said...The Suzi Orman advise is to not give your money away to family or anyone, because when you need help they won't help you. I say, from experience, giver beware, I have a daughter who always talked about how she was under the poverty belt/line and would most always bring that up in conversation, and she wouldn't go down and get food stamps or cheese or anything from the gov't, but she knew how to play me and so thousands of dollars flowed her way in tangible things like shoes for the kids, pots and pans (Cuisine Art) a couple of sets of everyday dishes, flatware, fabric for quilts, which she turned around and charge me $175 for, when she was charging her friends $125, but I continued to help her. When she became pg with her 4th child I gingerly touch on affording all the children, she went on to have a total of 6, always staying under the poverty line. Her husband worked for the post office and him being rather Peter Pan about his life and responsibility didn't think it right to use "protection" I continued to buy wardrobe, lots of Hannah Andersson clothing, etc, and when I retired she dropped me for another soft touch. Wake up parents, don't tell me I didn't raise her right, don't pat me on the back, just don't kid yourself about selfish children and their lust for your money and what it can buy. Parents have to be strong enough to allow their children to fall flat on their face, otherwise they will suck you dry and slap you with not even letting you know that the pkg arrived or if it fit or if the color was liked.
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9-21-2010 @ 8:46PM
Jack said...dont do it mamma, my da bailed me out of a jam ONE time, I never asked him for anything ever since,tell her to sell the vacation home and join the masses with cutting back on the wants. nomo
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9-21-2010 @ 8:46PM
Shellfish789 said...Tell her "Hell-to-the-no.......! don't let the door hit you when you leave ....which is NOW!
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9-21-2010 @ 8:53PM
Grasshopper said...What I wonder is, would this daughter take her mother in, if her mother was old and handicapped with no retirement savings and had nowhere to go? As to the question of money, it all depends on what it's for, not the age of the family member. If it were for a child with special needs or medical problems, or to go back to school after looking and looking for work and not finding it, that's one thing. I would give, not loan, any money I could afford for those things, to a child of any age. But for routine expenses? She shouldn't have given her the $5000 in the first place. I can't believe anyone with a spouse and two homes would have the nerve to ask their MOTHER for money. It's such a bad sign, on every level. She's not thinking straight, and her ethics are, um, not where they need to be . . . :/
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9-21-2010 @ 8:53PM
stunged said...ONE WORD! ENABLER
Reply
9-21-2010 @ 8:55PM
Tanweer Anwar said...Hi You must help your daughter as you can afford. She is your blood. Everybody has to go back to God Almighty. So should take care of your daughter instead leaving money in your bank after death.
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9-21-2010 @ 10:06PM
Jack said...If you are going to bring God into this, remember in the Holy Bible it has a verse that says " God helps those who help themselves". Mabey the grown daughter should first help herself instead of being a burden on a mother who has worked hard and taken care of what she earned. Her daughter will never learn to handle her money if someone bails her out all the time.
9-21-2010 @ 10:30PM
gina said...Jack, "God helps them that help themselves" is NOT in the Bible. Get a concordance and try to find it. It is one thing to give your adult children help out of your excess, but it is another when you don't have it to give or have to dip into your retirement accounts or life savings that is needed for month to month living expenses. The only time it would be good to dip into retirement funds would be for medical reasons. Other than that, the answer should be no. My parents have been helping me out for a while, but it hasn't been a loan, just help paying the bills. I will graduate in a year and a half, and will start paying them back, even though they haven't asked for it. They truly deserve it.
9-21-2010 @ 9:19PM
Noreen said...Just say "no"! And kick her behind out...she has no respect for you and will take everything if you let her!
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9-21-2010 @ 9:00PM
Frances Rockwell said...I wouldn't even have to ask for advice about this. You know what she owns and you would have to know she spends way over her head. You are an enabler if you keep paying for her "love." Just say no. If she ashs why I would ask her to just think about it. I'm close to retirement myself and unless it was something totally unexpected and an emergency I would no lend out my little bit of savings and my children would never expect me to.
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9-21-2010 @ 9:06PM
debkay said...It is hard, I know. We want to be kind and generous, but it is called "tough love" for a reason. I heard that Coach John Wooden once said, "The worst thing you can do for someone, is something they can do for themselves." I've always thought about that. My daughter and son are in this "it is due me" generation. My son once said that you have the money why can't you give it to me? We explained that when we were his age, we didn't have anything either and that we have worked long and hard to get what we have and now it is his turn to do the same. My daughter continues to ask, "co-sign a credit card"; "buy me some contacts" - she lives on her own and makes her own choices how to spend her money. I cannot be a crutch to them - they have to do it on their own and they will feel good about themselves when they accomplish it. Say "no" and stay tough - you are NOT alone in how you feel. She will grumble, but stand your ground. She will never learn to be independent as long as she continues to depend on you.
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9-21-2010 @ 9:01PM
mike said...Brandon, you gotta realize when the kids got out of college they were 22-23 yrs ol, grown ups,,,, they didnt like the fact that they couldnt have everything mom and i had worked for for 35 yrs overnight, they whined and cried about lack of money, how they wanted/needed this and that, didnt work, then came the grankids, love em to death but im not gonna raise them, they would call and say how about taking the kids this weekend, we would say no thanks when we want them we will ask you, that didnt go over good at all, to bad, they had em they take care of them , mom and i did our kid raising, and they wont be inheriting anything from us but a bunch of personal items we are traveling, gambeling and spending our hard earned money,, lol
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9-21-2010 @ 9:06PM
joe t said...A home they live in AND a "vacation home in the mountains", and she wants more money from her mother who is saving for retirement? What's wrong with this picture? Or, to put it another way: suppose the roles were reversed. Would she be helping her mother? Nope!
Reply
9-21-2010 @ 9:15PM
osuzannnah7 said...If I had one dime to my name and my child needed it, she would not even have to ask. It would be given to her with no expectation for re-payment. My parents were the same way with me. That is how people who love each other behave.
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9-21-2010 @ 9:33PM
SmarterThanU2 said...Agree !!! A Loving Family is most important !!!
9-22-2010 @ 1:13AM
granni of 76 said...bEING JUDGEMENTAL OF OTHERS WHO HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES AFTER RETIREMENT IS NOT FAIR....HER MOTHER TRIED TO HELP AND IT SEEMS TO HAVE GOTTEN WORSE, SO THE DAUGHTER AND HER HUSBAND SPENT ALL THE FAMILY AND FRIENDS LENT THEM OR GAVE THEM AND THEY STILL ARE IN TROUBLE, LOST A MOTORHOME, SO THE MONEY THE FAMILY AND FRIENDS WAS LIKE POURING IT IN THE WIND. SOME PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF WHAT THEY HAVE, AND WHEN THEY LOST THE MOTORHOME THEY SHOULD HAVE SOLD THE VACATION HOME TO GET THEMSELVES OUT OF THE MESS, NOT GO BEGGING AND GETTING MAD AT OTHERS. THESE PEOPLE ARE SELFISH AND SHOULD CONSIDER THAT THE MOTHER NEEDS TO PROVIDE FOR HERSELF IN HER RETIREMENT.
I BELIEVE WHEN SOMEONE HAS A HEALTH OR MONEY PROBLEM THAT WAS NOT CAUSED BY THEIR OWN DUMB BEHAVIOUR, THAT THEY NEED SOME HELP, BUT I WATCHED MY SISTER, WHO WAS A WIDOW WITH VERY LITTLE RETIREMENT HAND OUT MONEY EVERY WEEK TO HER DAUGHTER AND FAMILY...I ASKED WHY WHEN SHE DID NOT HAVE ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF DID SHE GIVE THEM MONEY ALL THE TIME. HER ANSWER WAS, THEY NEED IT FOR DIAPERS AND FORMULA. AND I POINTED OUT THE FACT THAT SHE WAS ENABLEING THEM BY DOING THAT, BECAUSE THEY SPENT THEIR MONEY ON BEER, WINE, WHISKEY AND SMOKING, TWO OF THEM SMOKED 2 CARTONS A WEEK, AND WHEN THEIR MONEY WAS GONE THEY WENT TO GRANDMA AS THEY KNEW SHE WOULD GIVE IT TO THEM. LO AND BEHOLD , WHEN SHE TOLD THEM SHE WAS NOT GOING TO ENABLE THEM ANYMORE THEY STOPPED ASKING FOR MONEY.
9-21-2010 @ 9:14PM
jerry l said...I disagree with the comments about "no harsh words or lectures" as this would "drive her away" so to speak. I disagree because I too have a 32 year old daughter who is a mother herself and she has NEVER learned to manage her affairs, grow up and take responsibility. That may well be my fault for continuing to be her co-dependent. Be that as it may, I think for $5,000.00 he at least has a right to voice an opinion, and if she gets so furious that she never asks for any more money, then so be it. But I doubt it will happen.
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9-21-2010 @ 9:12PM
dotlhs56 said...I can understand helping adult children who are doing everything to make it on there own but need a little help with medical bills or something of that nature. However, I could not agree with handing out money to someone who doesn't try to make it on their own. Most of the time it is the lifestyle that makes them need money in the first place. I would not dip into retirement money unless it was something dire. Don't do it! Just let her be mad. Let them sell one house and then they should be able to make their payments. It is time for a lifestyle change when you can't pay for the one you are enjoying. Don't throw good money after bad. The loan you have already made is far too generous.
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9-21-2010 @ 9:20PM
JB said...gently? c'mon lay down the rules, she needs someone to give her some tough love. I turn my 18 year old son all the time for money and always the same old "dad, it's tough being in college and being broke". Horse doody, I did it, my parents did it and you need to get off your behind and do it as well.
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