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Should I Keep Loaning Money to My Adult Daughter?
Filed under: Relatives, Empty Nest, Relationships, Expert Advice: Just For You, Expert Advice: Family Time, Expert Advice: Home Base
Dear AdviceMama,
I've loaned $5,000 to my grown daughter (she's in her 40s). She has also borrowed money from her sister and stepmother in the last year and a half. She has two homes, one that she and her family live in and a vacation home in the mountains. They had their motor home repossessed and are having a hard time making car and mortgage payments. I am about to retire and I really don't want to give them what I have saved towards retirement. Also, I think it wouldn't solve the problem -- it would just be a temporary fix. Of course, she's not too happy with me right now (she has hinted at needing another loan) and I feel bad. Thanks for your input.
Signed,
Reluctant ATM
Dear Reluctant ATM,
I'm sure you've heard this many times, but it's true: Don't lend money to relatives unless you're in a position to part with it forever. While I'm sure there are exceptions, I can't count the number of conflicts I've seen between family members over borrowing -- and repaying -- money. The loaner says, "You told me you'd repay me in February and it's August!" while their adult son replies, "Well you obviously you don't care about your whether your granddaughter gets to go to preschool!" And on it goes ...
No doubt your daughter intended to repay your $5,000, but if she's in over her head -- which sounds like the case -- you are definitely going to be at the end of the line when it comes to how she pays off her financial obligations.
Given the fact that you're about to retire, I wholeheartedly support you in deciding not to loan your daughter more money. You deserve to benefit from what you have worked hard to put away for the coming years so you can take care of yourself.
And I agree that simply handing over more money will not solve your daughter's problems. It could even prolong them by postponing the inevitable time when she and her husband take stock of their assets and liabilities and start living within their actual income.
But keep in mind that there's a delicate and indelicate way of letting your daughter know that she cannot expect more bailouts from you. Avoid lecturing her about how she has handled her money. Your harsh words will only further alienate and upset her.
Instead, empathize with her situation, and acknowledge how stressful it's been for her as she's tried to juggle everything on her financial plate. Tell her you're there to support her (emotionally) as she tries to sort out her financial challenges, but don't tell her what to do unless she asks for your advice! Be careful to avoid coming across as judgmental. Saying things like, "You shouldn't have bought that vacation house!" is not going to be helpful, and will only create more tension between the two of you.
If your daughter asks for more money, gently tell her, "I'm afraid that won't work for me, sweetheart." Then give her the room to express her disappointment without defending your position. Once she clearly knows what she can -- and can't -- expect from those who have been helping her financially, she'll be able to make decisions about how to get out from under her debt.
This doesn't mean you can't surprise your daughter or grandkids with an occasional check or bag of groceries. But let that be something you choose to do, based on your financial situation.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 5 of 11)
9-21-2010 @ 9:25PM
MIKE KAM said...WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH??? RIGHT NOW!! I BELIVE IN HELPING OUT. BUT THE EXPECTAION LEVEL HAS TO STOP. RIGHT NOW!! ONLY MY OPION. BECAUSE IVE BEEN THERE AN QUIT. FAST. BELIVE ME. BEEN THERE DONE THAT!!! SAD BUT TRUE. AN NO REGRETS. AN FIM-NALLY THEY GREW UP AN RESPECTED ME. DIDNT THINK THAT WOULD EVER HAPPEN. YOU DONT DRAIN YOUR WELL. YOU WORKED ALL YOUR LIFE. NOW ITS THERE TURN. GOOD LUCK AN T-CARE.
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9-21-2010 @ 9:26PM
sarroyo1209 said...UGH!!!! I'm a 40 year old woman who lost her job 6 months ago and I would NEVER have the audacity to ask my parents for money!!! She nheeds to become a RESPONSIBLE adult and learn the hard way!!!!
Reply
9-21-2010 @ 9:28PM
Dottie said...When my boys were teenagers, I was struggling just to pay bills and couldn't afford to buy them clothes or give them things that their friends had. They both went to work at 14 yrs old to pay our electric bill each month and buy their own shoes & clothes. After they graduated from high school, they went out on their own and have never asked for help. I recently got a huge promotion and surprised them by giving each a car. They were overwhelmed and said that I shouldn't feel badly about what I couldn't do for them in the earlier years because it made them the men they are today -- responsible and caring. I'm so proud.
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9-21-2010 @ 9:33PM
beautifulocean88 said...If the situation is emergency, mom you must help her. If an adult son or daughter come to your for help, in most cases they have no other place to go ask for help. They have thought about this through carefully many time ahead with no other ways to help them out before they make the decision to come to you for help. If you have the money to help, do only what you can to help her out this time. Advise her you can only help her this time will not be able to do it again next time. Advise her to manage, budget and do all and what she can to have the money to support her living exspenses next time. Again sincerely do all and what you can only. We only live once, you can't take the money with you, love and give what you can...she understands what you can do and can not do...She's your child she will take good care of you when you have no food or no home.
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9-21-2010 @ 9:53PM
teresa said...the daughter with the vacation home and who lost the RV to repo, needs to grow up! you don't ask for money from someone unless it's a matter of life or death and even then it should be after all your other options were exhausted. Loaning or giving money to family/.friends not only leads to strained relationships but also allows the borrower to not learn to make hard and mature lessons (like non basic assets). Every family has someone that can't make repsonsible choices and instead asks for bailouts, that's why our nation, our economy is headed for even rougher times then now. it's very simple, live within your means so that if you do find yourself having to ask for money in a worst case scenario, then they might trust you more to lend it to you.
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9-21-2010 @ 9:35PM
jc7667 said...Lady you have a big red S (sucker) on your forehead. If you're to weak to say no then I hope you think it's all worth it when you find yourself homeless and without in your old age. Of course your daughter will still love you, NOT! When your money is gone she will be too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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9-21-2010 @ 9:36PM
Rose Houser said...This story was written with me in mind. Even tho I am a firm believer in not loaning money to relatives I've been suckered over the years to the tune of several thousand dollars by my children. They have no conscience at all for they have not made any effort to pay me back. Now my daughter is not talking to me for something minor I said and for sure she will not pay me back. I did not raise these children to be this way. How can they do this and believe this is okay to screw mom out of retirement money? So cruel. I've always believed what comes around goes around and I do pray that their lives are not filled with hardships in their old age...
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9-21-2010 @ 9:42PM
bunny said...I read the article about the insecure mother 'loaning' money to her daughter. She is co-dependent and the daughter is taking advantage of that fact. On another note: I don't ever get involved in writing about something I see on the computer, but this time I decided to so I can comment on the level of intelligence of most of the people (not myself) who do add comments....... Don't these people have any life? They write like they are totally illiterate (spelling, punctuation, grammar, and general word usage). Are they for real or what? They need to get a hobby or something!!!
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9-21-2010 @ 10:06PM
jim said...Bunny, yu arr rite.
9-21-2010 @ 9:42PM
Lauren said...Brandon--not many 18 year olds can make it on their own without a room to go back to. My children knew that they could always come back (temporarily) if they ever needed to. They were not irresponsible with money, but reversals happen. They could get a roof over their heads while getting back on their feet. I hope you have that option also.
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9-21-2010 @ 9:46PM
xkr said...I always hear do not loan $$ to relatives, but disagree. My parents financed our first two houses and I have financed my two kids 1st homes. Not to mention small amounts for 1st cars (used), etc Never had any issues and in fact was fanancially benefical to both parties to do so. No free rides and we learned how to respect and appreciate both the money and the person. Friends can be a totally different story cause nobody in our family raised them!!
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9-21-2010 @ 9:46PM
Lauren said...I love my children dearly, but I would still not jeopardize my retirement by giving them "my last dime" to spend on a vacation home and a new car. Whose life is it anyway?
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9-21-2010 @ 9:46PM
J.E.B. said...You just simply tell your daughter, "Sorry kid, you're S.O.L.! Get a job, sell yourself on the street, mooch off somebody else. This gravy train is all tapped out".
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9-21-2010 @ 10:02PM
info896 said...If you have money, when your children (no matter how old they are) ask money at least loan to them telling them that when you are able, pay back.
John
Read www.4JUSTICE.ORG & www.FOR-TRUTHS.ORG *to receive *The Keys to the Kingdom of Heaven*
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9-21-2010 @ 9:55PM
jeff said...i love how people ask for loans from friends or family before getting rid of their own assets. i mean how can u, with a straight face, ask for a loan of $5,000 when you have 2 homes....one being a vacation home. SELL ONE OF YOUR HOMES before mooching off somebody else for god's sake. i'm so glad this dad decided not to lend his cheap daughter money(again). the audacity of some people is amazing. this woman spells gall with about 15 L's.
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9-21-2010 @ 9:55PM
Julie said...Oh wow - this article HIT HOME! My husband and I have suffered a HUGE hit to our income. We lost half our retirement savings and both have taken a hit to our income. We're in our early 60s.
I am heartbroken to report that my 30 year old daughter was enraged when I told her we could no longer help pay her rent. We still do pay for her PPO health insurance. She has NO children and is... how do I say this? Lazy and entitled. I love her - but she's always been very, very difficult. She's the oldest and has always had a difficult personality.
The other kids are independent and responsible. But this one just feels everyone owes her simply because she is alive. It's heartbreaking and embarrassing. None of our friends know. When I told her that helping her was hurting our retirement, she screamed, "I don't give a F _ _ K about your retirement!!" She then called back several times and left vile voice messages - I wasn't about to pick up the phone and be abused.
We never abused her. We were always kind. We thought we were doing a good job as parents - but my sister in law (VERY insightful woman) kept telling us we were saints and praising us for how we handled her. She's my corner of sanity now - when I'm upset about "Denise" my sister in law helps me feel better. She recognizes there is a difficult personality there. That's just how it is.
She has told me she'll kill herself if we don't give her money. Emotional extortion... for money. That's really all we are to her - money. I hope that changes - but if it never does, we're okay. We know we were good parents and we are now being good parents again - by NOT enabling her laziness. And she is not a drug user - it's not like that. She's an artist and thinks she's entitled to money because she paints and writes. You know what? I paint and write, too... on my OFF hours. She's always been extremely, extremely difficult and honestly, it was a great relief when she moved out. I will never allow her to live under our roof again. She destroys the peace. I know that the major part of personality is inherited... she got a difficult one. And it doesn't make life any easier for her, either - but I won't let her make me miserable any longer.
Thanks for the article. I wonder how many parents are in a spot like me - with a truly selfish and emotionally abusive ADULT child.
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9-21-2010 @ 10:13PM
SmarterThanU2 said...So how is your "retirement" working out? Because the next generation will never be able to afford such a luxury - hence the anger your daughter has toward your "retirement." Sounds like you better keep paying her rent, or she is going to be back in your house/face (you obviously are helping with her insurance, because you see how important it is - just like rent). Also sounds like your sister in law is a bit too nosey. Share your wealth with your kids before it is too late, as LOVE is a two way street.
9-21-2010 @ 10:19PM
DeLalia said...She sounds just like my sister....and my sister is bipolar! Your daughter needs to be tested, it sounds like she may be too.
9-21-2010 @ 11:41PM
skdrake said...Julie,
After the vile messages and verbal abuse, I'd let my kid pay for her own damn insurance. Maybe she has a "difficult personality," but this does not excuse abusive behavior and ingratitude. If this is a medical problem, she needs to use the insurance you graciously provide and get help.
SmarterThanU2,
Grow up. Quit blaming retirees who have worked hard all their lives and been financially responsible for "the next generation's" inability to retire. I am younger than the daughter in the article, and I do not ask my parents for financial help, and have a fairly large retirement fund built up. I put myself through college. I don't spend money I don't have on things I don't need. If an emergency came up, such as health problems, I know I could depend on my parents, but I do everything possible to avoid putting them in that position. Neither Julie's daughter nor the daughter in the article are as considerate of their parents' situations. I believe in helping family in emergencies, but losing a luxury such as an RV is NOT an emergency.
9-22-2010 @ 12:24PM
auntie said..."SmarterThanU2" - wow. That was mean. I don't know if you're serious or being facetious. We are NOT retired - we work our asses off at SEVERAL jobs and have watched the retirement we have been saving over decades dwindle. We HOPE to retire some day and we do NOT want you or anyone else supporting us. BUT - it is possible that we will never be able to retire.
We pay our own way. If we were to continue supporting our daughter, we would never retire and would end up having younger people support us. That is unacceptable to us. We have college degrees - when I asked my daughter if she would have us moonlight at McDonald's to support her, she said, "If that's what you have to do, then yes. I didn't ask to be born - you wanted me and this is what you got, so you owe me." That's what you hear from a 13 year old. I was stunned and hurt. I can't imagine why you would choose to be mean to me here. Weird.
My sister in law is my best friend and confidante. We talk about everything - she is the best sister anyone could have. Her input about my daughter has been enormously helpful to me.
--
"DeLalia" - thank you for your reply. Sorry about your sister. Actually, my daughter has a personality disorder - it's genetic. My mother in law, aunt, and bio sister have the same kind of personality - BUT they work hard and support themselves.
--
"skdrake" - will your parents let me have you? Sigh...
You're the DREAM child - mature, responsible, independent. Our other kids are like you - just this one is behaving in this way. I hope she matures out of these personality traits. I love her and I know her life is hard with that kind of personality.