Should I Keep Loaning Money to My Adult Daughter?

I like Sharon Goff''s comment: Short, to the point and helpful! I would only add a Latin motto I have lived by: Luctor et Emerigus. I am an old lady now, my elevent grade nun used to put this slogan on the blackboard everyday. It translates into 'struggle and emerge'. I think the mom looking for a response to her needy daughter should reflect on the merits of this motto and then convey it to her.

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I had twin stepsisters with very different personalities. Same parents, same everything. They both became pregnant during their senior year, both graduated and both married their baby's father.
HOWEVER, they were very different and their husbands were very different.
My dad got one twin's husband a good factory job, but the bum wouldn't get out of bed and go to work. The other twin's husband found his own job...He and his wife drove old cars, bought used furniture, and saved for a down payment on a house. Today they are retired, still married, live well and have loving, grown children.
The twin who married the bum got divorced, stole another woman's husband, got dumped by him and now lives on food stamps in a tiny, subsidized apartment.
We can't rescue anyone from bad choices. Some kids figure out life early, some never will figure it out.

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It's simple, JUST SAY NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I know it's hard, but it's ok to tell your daughter that she needs to figure it out for herself. I am 28 years old and I ALWAYS pay my father back because I personally feel that his obligation to bail me out of money issues ended the day I felt that credit cards were are good idea. I am also 1 of more than 6 siblings, one of which does not feel the same way. Now at the age of over 38, she still goes to my father to bail her out and my father and mother are over 60. I, and everyone the rest of my siblings, worry about what she is going to do when my parents aren't around to help her anymore becuase we have families of our own and won't be able to. She will probably hate you for it in the short-term, but in the long-term of things, do helping her more than you can ever know.

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five thousand? you cheap Prk help her out find a way to give her more money! retirement? no-one retires everyone dies of cancer , give her the money you wont be able to spend it ! when your rotting !

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Are you kidding me??? She's in her 40s, has 2 homes, presumably 2 household incomes.....and she still expects mommy to bail her out??? Key word: expects. The mother says that the daughter is upset with her for not loaning her the money this time. Well of course she is! Mommy has coddled and babied her for the last 40 years and NOW she decides it's probably not in the daughter's best interest?? Um, a tad late for that don't you think?? And the advice given by the columnist is a perfect example of the coddling and babying that has brought this 40-something woman to where she is now. It's also a perfect example of how people come to have a sense of entitlement. Here, the mother has helped her daughter out of the kindess of her heart over what appears to be several years. And the ungrateful 40-something year old daughter has the nerve to be angry with her mother for refusing to help her for the umpteenth time. Mom should have cut the apron strings a LONG time ago. Both mother and daughter need a qualified therapist and a financial counselor. And fyi, I moved out of my parent's house at 18 (of my own accord) and never moved back no matter how much I struggled and no matter how many times my mom offered. I'm now 29 (single) and I've asked for financial help from my parents on 3 occasions...all minimal amounts (much much less than $5k) and I paid them back each and every time, even when they told me it wasn't necessary. They told me it wasn't necessary because they know that I'm independent and that I would never ever take advantage of them or expect them to bail me out. I was raised better than that. I hope the mother ignores this columnist's advice and learns concepts such as "tough love" (which is absolutely essential to parenting, none of this coddling BS that gives kids a sense of entitlement from a young age) and then maybe she can teach her daughter important concepts such as "living within your means" and "the world doesn't owe you anything."

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Oh, that's nothing. I'm in my mid-forties and have worked like a dog since I was fifteen. I gave my parents a credit card "for emergencies," as money was getting a little tight for them. What did they do? They went to Vegas. By the time I figured out what was going on, I was $5K in debt. I never borrowed a nickel from them, the whole time I was growing up. They never said a word about the charges. I had to report the card stolen to cut them off, now I'm stuck paying off their, "vacations."

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I watched my sister-in-law DESTROY her parents financially. It started out with the loans, then she got evicted from her house (she couldn't explain what she did with the money they gave her), she then moved back in with them, robbed them blind, and didn't move out until she was almost 50 years old. The stress of it all killed my mother-in-law. If that's all OK with the parents, then so be it. But I think most parents have trouble saying no. So parents, I am begging you: learn how to say NO. You might just live a lot longer.

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Julie, your daughter and mine could be twins. You have my complete empathy!
I finally told her "I wish you well, but you are toxic to me. I don't want to hear from you until you have changed."
She has the right to make her own choices, and I have the right to protect myself from her choices.

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When they're 40something getting thier nails done, pedicures, massages because they need to relax and then turn around and don't even send you a birthday card, it's time to pull in the reins.
I'll agree with some of the responders that you have reached a point it's useless to lecture, give advice on budgeting or any other lofty idea to bring about a frugal minded adult.Somehow you have missed the boat entirely.
Just say, in a calm manner, "No, I cannot. Prices have risen so high I have had to limit the amount I spend and watch every penny." Do not use the word "Sorry". No! You're not sorry. Sorry is a wimpy word that makes you sound like a push over. You should be past that.

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I know I am going to get nailed for this comment, but just sending out a reminder. The concept of sending our children out into the world after a certain age to fend and support themselves is only a concept that has been around for maybe 100 yrs., and still hasn't reached some corners of the world. Even as late as the LAST RECESSION families lived with their extended family under one roof, helping each other raising children and working for the good of the whole family. In China, the country that the US is in debt up to it's eyeballs to, the majority work for the better of the family. They would never kick their children to the curb and tell them to learn to swim or drown. Just because a person can learn to balance a check book, doesn't make them a better person. If we weren't so worried about our bank accounts, maybe our children would have better grade scores in school. And NO, I am not in debt, and I have not had to borrow money from my family.

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If you have the money, help!! If not don't...Do not expect the money back, though they, hopefully will try to pay t back. These are hard times...I feel sorry for those who cannot help the family

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Are you kidding me??? She's in her 40s, has 2 homes, presumably 2 household incomes.....and she still expects mommy to bail her out??? Key word: expects. The mother says that the daughter is upset with her for not loaning her the money this time. Well of course she is! Mommy has coddled and babied her for the last 40 years and NOW she decides it's probably not in the daughter's best interest?? Um, a tad late for that don't you think?? And the advice given by the columnist is a perfect example of the coddling and babying that has brought this 40-something woman to where she is now. It's also a perfect example of how people come to have a sense of entitlement. Here, the mother has helped her daughter out of the kindess of her heart over what appears to be several years. And the ungrateful 40-something year old daughter has the nerve to be angry with her mother for refusing to help her for the umpteenth time. Mom should have cut the apron strings a LONG time ago. Both mother and daughter need a qualified therapist and a financial counselor. And fyi, I moved out of my parent's house at 18 (of my own accord) and never moved back no matter how much I struggled and no matter how many times my mom offered. I'm now 29 (single) and I've asked for financial help from my parents on 3 occasions...all minimal amounts (much much less than $5k) and I paid them back each and every time, even when they told me it wasn't necessary. They told me it wasn't necessary because they know that I'm independent and that I would never ever take advantage of them or expect them to bail me out. I was raised better than that. I hope the mother ignores this columnist's advice and learns concepts such as "tough love" (which is absolutely essential to parenting, none of this coddling BS that gives kids a sense of entitlement from a young age) and then maybe she can teach her daughter important concepts such as "living within your means" and "the world doesn't owe you anything."

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When I got closer to retirement I was still occasionally bailing my sons out. The younger son has always paid back his loans. The closer I got to retirement the more I would remind the boys that once retired I would be on a fixed income and would not be in a position to make loans.

I hope the daughter has put her vacation home on the market because I would not be interested in loaning money if she hasn't. And in light of the fact that she has failed to pay back what she already owes me, I would definitely but kindly advice her that you can no longer help. You could offer to go over her finances to see if there's any fat that can be cut but I suspect she isn't interested in that!

As for children that cut off contact when the bank of mom and dad closes, I think I'd change my will to exclude them.

As a single parent I occasionally borrowed money from my parents but always paid it back. My siblings did so as well, but rarely paid it back.

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