Strange but True: Unloving, Abusive Parents Mess Up Their Kids

Sorry but I don't hold with the thought this is what you will become if....
theory!
I had an abominable childhood, I was abused, physically emotionally, I spent time in "orphanages, foster homes, before becoming a ward of court. I was told to get on with it, its in the past... now approaching 50, I know I was messed up, I never intended to have children, but...2 babies later...I left the country, married had my babies, now 18 & 21, but was determined to make my life work. To do right by my children, every day I battled my demons, fighting myself in the mirror, determined not to become my mother, or be anything less than what I knew I should be. I love my kids, I would slit my wrists before being anything less than a mother they can count on. I'm not saying I was perfect, I did slip up, but I forced myself up, & kept at it. According to statistics, I should have been a "product of my childhood" a failiure, an abusive parent, possibly abusing alchohol or drugs, or both!
HA!!! I beat the statistics, anyone can, I didn't have therapy, or even a family of supportive in-laws, there was just me, & when not gone at work my husband, (who also had a less than perfect childhood) we raised 2 wonderful loving, caring human beings, who succeeded in school, love well & are productive members of society. STOP TELLING PEOPLE THEY CAN'T & TELL THEM, "YES, DAMN IT, YOU CAN IF YOU TRY, IF YOU KEEP GOING, IF YOU BELIEVE & SAY I WON'T FOLLOW IN THE PATH, I CAN BECOME MORE" Its about character, determination, self belief.
Any one who tells you different is a liar.

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I myself can partially relate to this, even though I wasn't the one being beat up my mother was! Being brought up in a household of hostility only makes you anger and bitter, I was a quiet and shy girl I kept to myself, I always dreamed of what it would be like to have a loving family who did things together took vacations, spent time doing things as a family playing a board games, or going outside and playing ball. I was a tomboy so I did do thing with my dad buy nothing as a family. Not only was my family life hostile my father was an alcoholic so if any of you have been brought up in this environment you can relate, ITS NOT FUN EITHER. In the end my parents eventually divorced when I was the age of 13 it was better but it didn't change my relationship with my mother cause she now had to work two jobs to support us so I again was alone and had to fend for myself. At the age of 20 I got pregnant and I believe what they say about young adults getting pregnant it’s to give the love that you never had, it’s true. The thing we don't realize is how hard it will be. As you can imagine I didn't stay with the father and by the time my daughter was two we left and found our way, I have to say I was very fortunate I landed a decent job, put myself through school and bought a home. So not every story has to be bad one there is hope. Remember you don't have to follow in your parents footsteps you can make your own, and if you want better you can do it.

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Been there done that and the previous commenters need to reread the article it doesn't say that all children raised like that will suffer only most. Having been in that sort of environment with my 4 siblings I can say with absolute certainty that tho most of us now in our 30s worked through it but it was NOT easy and we are all screwed up in one way or another. However like all personal issues we've worked out acceptible coping strategies and our children are significantly better off than we were. This article was a little vague and that may be why other comments were somewhat negative. I've known probably thousands of abused/ neglected (which is also abuse even if the powers that be give it it's own category) children and adults. Some have failed and some have not a combination of factors is what makes some of us better off than others. Resilience in children and the presence of some adult(s) that are supportive and loving even if they are not the parents are 2 main ones. It also helps to have close friends of the right sort but that is closer to the bottom since bird of a feather flock tgether and most abused children are attracted to the same. It is hard for friends to help each other when they are dealing with their own abuse issues. However having someone who understands their pain can go pretty far in helping them feel less isolated. Isolation by the way is what keeps the abuse going. So kudos to all of you who've come through it and made a better life for yourselves and your children but please don't say you came out unscathed, you didn't you were just smarter to know it could be better and work towards that better future and you denigrate those who are still fighting the battle with the lie.

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I would not say that every neglected/abused child grows up messed up or becomes a neglectful/abusive parent, but I would say it can be the case much of the time. I grew up in a situation of neglect and abuse, and I struggle just to survive in life because of the damage to my self image, and constant nagging anxiety and depression. I absolutely despise my abusive mother, who was the product of a known pedophile and a raging alcoholic. My mother talks bad about all her children, but she especially despises my sisters who have grown up and done very well for themselves despite our messed up childhoods. It's a struggle because I know my mother's horrendous childhood was the cause of many ills - yet, it never seemed like my mother tried to do anything but take her anger and frustrations out on us, her own private punching bags. She is still abusive, and I find there is no making peace with her, she cannot be trusted to "play nice" without being angry, abusive, and petty. She thoroughly enjoys hurting her kids in turn - she takes turn trashing us at intervals. I only hope that when she does leave this earth, there will be some sense of relief. I myself knew better than to have children. I just knew I had no idea what to do to be a good mom, the example my mom set was what NOT to do, other than that I knew I would be in over my head. I knew doing it wrong ruins lives, I wish I had never been born to that mess. The thought of getting pregnant caused terror and depression in me always, I avoided it strenuously and was successful in not procreating. I feel as though it was a sad but merciful neccessity.

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I have to say I agree in a general sense. As with the others who have posted, I didn't have the best childhood. As the oldest of 6, it was my responsibility to deal with things that children should not. My father was a raging alcoholic and physically & verbally mean when he was drunk. My mother tried her best but she was also abused as a child, physically, emotionally & sexually. She simply didn't have the skill set to have any idea about what to do. My childhood was better than hers. I would use that as my "silver lining" statement many times until I could leave the house. My father left the picture only to return when convenient. My mother worked to support us, so I raised 3 of my siblings. It was hard and I made promises to my unborn children at the time, that they wouldn't experience what I did. I experienced feelings of worthlessness, depression and a firmly held belief that it didn't matter what I did. It was never going to be good enough. I am not perfect these days, I have internal battles all the time. However, I can say that I have kept the promise to my 4 kids. They know they are loved unconditionally and supported at all times by both of their parents. They may have their own issues as adults, but I feel good that they will not believe they are worthless.

Children who were abused as children have additional obstacles to overcome and some may never even realize it. It can be done, but it's a struggle. Not everyone can find the strength to take the journey. I applaud everyone who made a better life for themselves and for their children, if they choose to have them.

I do have to ask, though. They needed a scientific study to figure this out?

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It's common sense. I was in the abusive family and it took years of self-sabbotage and many other failures and self destructive behaviors before having my own children at 38 and 39 respectively, that made everything come to a screaming halt and I learned to stop the madness and harm from over the years. I just read an article about Homosexuals adopting children and the harm it does them in raising children because more than thought grow up to be gay. It would have been more interesting to point out that they are raised by parents that afford those children with typically the best opportunities and overcompensate with love vs. those in the abusive homes. I wonder what percentage of those with parents in and out of jails and doing drugs raise children to be of the same roots vs. well balanced, successful (but gay parents) children grow to adulthood and are successful. Hmmmm I think I would opt to have grown up with two parents that loved me and really wanted me. Heck, even having one parent would have been nice.

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You can leave message of support for how you want the world to be for children. It will be placed as a visualization of hope inside the first major Memorial/Monument to child abuse in the world. Follow the path at the ChildAbuseMonument web site. Together of collective visualization of healing and prevention can change the tragic legacy of child abuse.

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I agree with your comment below but what a shame it took so long. You at 50 and me at 43. My life would be supremely different had I had some encouragement or love and not the daily beatings and screaming and degradation of my mother and then the sexual abuse from my father. Not everyone has a strong character. My sister got the worst of the abuse both from my mother and my father and her life was a direct result of her upbringing. She was not strong enough and now she's dead as a result of my parents turning their back on her yet one more time. I can still hear my father calling us "ZEEEEEROOOOO" and hearing them tag team beat my sister because she didn't understand algebra. Or have my mother bust into my room at 2 AM screaming and beating me awake wanting to know why I left a glass on the counter. No wonder I have night terrors. There's a lot worse stuff to tell but not here. It's no wonder I don't have any friends or have been married. I don't know how but I'm trying.

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