Justin Bieber Guests on CSI: America's Young Girls Scream (But Maybe Not in a Good Way)

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Justin Bieber illustration

Teen idol Justin Bieber gets scary in a whole new way. Illustration: Christopher Healy


America's most popular show about collecting bodily fluid samples, "CSI," kicked off its 10th season last night with an episode guest starring Justin Bieber. Yes, that Justin Bieber -- the 16-year-old Canadian pop idol who induces swooning among third-grade girls by making heart shapes with his hands.

Now, maybe it's just me, but you don't put Justin Bieber in your TV show unless you want to attract 9-year-old girls. Evidence of this: When I viewed a Justin Bieber video on YouTube -- for research purposes, of course -- the site suggested that I may also want to watch a clip from the new Tinker Bell movie. And "CSI" is not a show for 9-year-old girls. So let's take a look at what the nation's collective daughters were witness to last night when they tuned in to see their favorite toothy heartthrob. Warning: Massive spoilers follow.

9:00 PM EST - We're off to a great start with an exceptionally bloody last-season recap. There's a cop getting shot. There's a man with his throat torn open. And the montage ends with Laurence Fishburne getting shivved in the back by Mr. Noodle from "Elmo's World."

9:06 PM -- A coffin explodes during a military funeral. It's disturbing, but not as disturbing as watching Justin Bieber romance girls who look five to 10 years older than him in his videos.

9:18 PM -- The titular Crime Scene Investigation team scours the bombed cemetery for clues. In the process, viewers get to relive the explosion scene over and over and over. It's almost as repetitive as the chorus to "Baby."

9:25 PM -- Autopsy time! The medical examiners pull nails and razor blades from the wide-open chest cavity of a corpse. It's a good science lesson for the young ones.

9:28 PM -- Bieber! Finally, we get to see him -- uncharacteristically hoodie-less - as the youngest audience member at an anti-government militia meeting. But he barely gets to say one line before those meanie cops raid the place and arrest everybody there.

9:35 PM -- Hundreds of young girls wish they were the cotton swab used to get that sample of Bieber saliva.

9:40 PM -- Bieber's big moment: The interrogation scene in which we learn that he hates authority (no surprise there -- we saw the way he threw that big house party in the "One Time" video, even after Usher specifically told him to keep the place neat). The CSI guy goes easy on Bieber and gets him to rat on his brother, who is apparently the mad bomber.

9:49 PM -- The Bieber brother is gunned down and the world (or at least Las Vegas) is saved.

9:52 PM -- Strange interlude: One of the CSI guys has a dead baby pig in a jar on his desk. It's possibly the most disturbing moment of the night.

9:53 PM -- Marg Helgenberger finds a dead homeless man, whom they sensitively refer to as Mr. Aromatic. But the corpse is just a trap. Another bomb goes off. THE TERROR IS NOT OVER.

9:56 PM -- Cut to Bieber giving his best Hannibal Lecter smile, and proving once and for all what I've been wondering ever since I saw him put Jaden Smith in a headlock during the "Never Say Never" video: Justin Bieber is pure evil.

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Start by teaching him that it is safe to do so.