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My Son Is Awful to His Younger Sister. What Can I Do?
Filed under: Siblings, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Social & Emotional Growth: Tweens, Expert Advice: Tweens
Dear AdviceMama,
My 13-year-old son responds negatively to his 10-year-old sister. Since he was little, he has criticized her, whispered sarcastic remarks and even shoved her. We have tried to praise him when he's positive toward her, and have taken away privileges but he continues to bully my daughter. What else can we do to end this?
Signed,
Out of Options
Dear Options,
Imagine how you'd feel if your husband brought home a new wife and tried to convince you that he still loved you the same, and that he was sure that this new woman would add to the happiness of your family. Picture him trying to convince you that in time you'd come to love his new wife with all your heart. Chances are, you'd have a whole lot of resentment toward this new lady -- and your husband would have a whole lot of explaining to do!
As much as we want our children to adore their siblings, mutual affection doesn't always happen on its own. Some kids are quite welcoming toward a new brother or sister, but others require our concerted effort to forge a loving connection between them.
I'm glad you want to address the problem now; studies suggest that a sibling's negative behavior can impact a child as much or even more than that of a parent's, because a brother or sister represents that all-important peer approval (or disapproval), which has such a profound effect on a child's self-esteem.
Here's my advice:
Allow your son to express his emotions, without censoring him or giving him what I call an Act II, where you try to explain why he should feel differently about your daughter. Chances are, he's been "leaking out" his anger toward his sister with mean jabs and shoves because he hasn't been allowed to voice his negative feelings without being scolded.
Make comments that you think he'll say "Yes" to, so he feels you hear and understand his frustration: "Sometimes your sister really annoys you, and it's tempting to say something mean to hurt her ..." or "It's hard to resist putting your sister down when you get so mad ..."
Offer him safe and acceptable outlets for his anger; hand him a plastic baseball bat and let him hit a pile of crumpled newspapers, or give him a piece of big-sized bubble wrap that he can stomp on to get his feelings out. The more you make it okay for your son to be upset, the less his bottled up emotions will spill over onto his sister.
Do make sure you're giving each of your children the chance to feel special in your eyes by spending one-on-one time with them, and by generously acknowledging the unique ways that they light up your world. The more your son feels seen and appreciated by you, the less his jealousy will fuel his misbehavior.
While your son may not fully appreciate his sister's presence now, if you take these steps, there's a good chance they'll eventually become lifelong friends. Don't give up! Someday, they'll both thank you for the effort you make to help them create a healthy relationship.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 5)
9-27-2010 @ 1:35PM
Jude said...My 10 years old daughter shows sign of depression sometimes. 90% of the time she's happy, bubbly and I call her the clown. But from time to time, specially at bed time, she'll say " I don't know why mom, but I feel like crying"
If it's a rainy day I 'll tell her that it may be the weather and that it may effects our mood sometimes.
Or I'll tell her that it's OK to feel melancholic from time to time...
And sometime, I can just tell the reason why she feels that way.
I guess that I am afraid it might be something more serious. I don't want to ignore what's happening to her....
Reply
9-27-2010 @ 10:29PM
gail said...Although it may seem young to you, she may already be experiencing hormonal changes. And since young girls are not regular at first, it may not be "monthly" yet. It sounds as though you are handling this well. If you're very concerned, though, you might run it by her pediatrician.
10-11-2010 @ 8:42PM
jessica said...Please don't jump to the conclusion that your child is sick or has a problem. If she is happy 90% of the time, she is in no way experiencing depression. You are right: it is completely normal, and I want to stress 'normal', for people to have their downs. It's when the downs last for weeks at a time there is an issue. Unfortunately parents are overly concerned with their child's downs and immediately jump to 'there's a problem' or a doctor prescribes medication. This is why so many children are wrongfully diagnosed with mental disorders, especially ADD.
9-28-2010 @ 1:00AM
ZCatNip said...Good advice and suggestions! Parents forget that having more kids is not the same for their children as it is for them. The other kids don't really get a choice and often parents make it worse by forgetting to treat each child individually, or by insisting they share everything or "have to" play with their sibling. Give them some space to be individuals and to not like each other as long as they are not abusive to one another. Let each kid have some special possessions they don't have to share with everybody else! Also, your older kids are not supposed to be "pseudo parents", they should not have to supervise and "help" with younger sibs all the time, otherwise they can resent it.
Reply
9-28-2010 @ 1:49AM
mia angel said...Thank you, AdviceMama & parentdish for this advice! This q&a truly speaks to me and is a real and current issue in my house. I'm a 34 year old divorced mom of three and each day is a challenge when I encounter situations that need serious parenting. I always have to carefully think of what I'll say and how I'll react to them. My kids are 14, 10 and 9 and they all have different issues and concerns so the parenting styles and approach differ for each child.
It's my first time to stumble into parentdish and already, I am loving this site! It's a wholesome mix of news and advice that parents like me can learn from. I am grateful for sites like this and online communities that share experiences and parenting nuggets. One site in particular that I find myself returning to almost everyday is superparenting.com. I'm grateful for the varied topics on parenting issues for children of different ages. Thank you to parentdish.com for all the help. I'm now a fan.
Reply
9-28-2010 @ 9:17AM
Meanstr said...Put the Boy in Foster Care he is harming your Girl.
Reply
10-11-2010 @ 11:55PM
vince b said...your probably right...watch out.. if he's that mean he may also try sexing her. he's at that age.
10-12-2010 @ 1:43AM
Sammy said...I hope you two are just trolling. If not...what is wrong with you guys? It's perfectly normal behavior for siblings to fight with each other...
10-04-2010 @ 4:46PM
samanthakcarter said...1. Your son may have been exposed to some violent nature mostly likely in the household. He needs some serious counseling. Studies show that girls receive 80 percent more hugs than boys.
2. Find out what is on his mind through: activities (see how he responds to drawings and family events.)
3. Make sure you are loving them both equally and that your son has mentors in his life. Send him to church and teach him the principles of Jesus Christ. The answer to all of our problems are in the bible.
4. If you have to take a belt and spank his behind. Because if he is doing this to your daughter it will soon be you. It is better to break him yourself than allow life or the streets too.
Trust God and have no fear
Reply
10-19-2010 @ 12:51AM
mother said...With all due respects, I think you are unreasonable in your comments. Jesus Christ worship and physical assault on your child do not resolve normal sibling rivalry issues. I have lived with this same scenario (my son is 15, daughter 2. 5 years younger) and it sure wouldn't change for the better if I resorted to hitting him.
I do not follow your religious beliefs but lady, if you think reverence of some dead person who founded a religion that has resulted in wars and intolerance and who knows what other misery for the past 2000 years is going to make a child behave as you wish, wait until you see what a damaged piece of goods you're going to end up with.
Keep religion OUT of everything please.
Signed,
Disgusted by your stupid comments
10-05-2010 @ 7:34PM
Cognitogrrl said...SamanthaKCarter, your suggestion to take a belt to a 13 year old is ridiculous. He is way too big to spank, not that many believe in corporal punishment -- it's violent and breeds more violence. Believe it, he'd be watching to see when Sis gets the belt too, and if not, he'd have more fuel added to his fire.
I'm dismayed that this "family therapist" did not state that the boy needs counseling. He's 13 -- this behavior is sort of ingrained at this point, right? plus he's at puberty and full of testosterone. I'd be taking him to a well trained pediatric psychiatrist if he were mine, and I'd run a chart on him so that he knows that every wrong statement and action will bring consequences. I also would never leave him alone with her even for a few minutes.
Reply
10-09-2010 @ 11:13PM
bastet said...*Whew*!! A voice of reason! I was shaking my head and my eyes were bugging out when I read the "wife" comparison. I also thought the idea of punching, smacking and hitting inanimate objects was horrible. At 13 he should have outgrown the kind of childish cruelty he is exhibiting, therefore counseling is in order. He will be an adult soon and if this is how he treats his sister, other women are in for some unpleasant surprises from this future felon. Also, it's time the mother stood up for the little sister. She's been conditioned all her life to believe that she merits this kind of treatment from a man and no one will defend her. That's a bad lesson to give a little girl who will be an adolescent soon. What kind of choices will she make when she starts dating and what kind of man will she look for? This mother is going to make the poor little girl into an abuse statistic. She will expect poor treatment from men and seek it out because this is how she was raised. And if the mom follows that truly bad advice from the columnist she is dooming both those kids. Why did she wait for TEN years before trying to resolve this??? Poor kids, especially the girl. Off my soapbox now....
10-04-2010 @ 9:54PM
L said...The comparison of a spouse is not very good. It is understood when one marries (at least in this country) that there is no 'second wife' that's why it's illegal in this country. In countries where it is common, family strife frequently increases as a husband brings in new wives to the family. In comparison, few children are without siblings, biological or otherwise, and most learn to get along, if not love one another.
I don't think it's enough to encourage the boy to express his feelings about his sister, and I think it is abusive to do it where his sister can overhear, or be exposed to his bile or even for mom and dad to encourage and validate this too much; instead, I would work on his empathy, it's possible that he either has a good reason to listen to, or is merely in the bad habit, he may also find it funny since this kind of tear-down is so constant on family TV.
I also think that that AdviseMama is assuming s/he knows why the boy hates his sister so much. Often parents are blind to the real reasons kids feel the way they do because they assume too much. Now that the boy is 13yo he needs to be encouraged to share not just that he's angry about his sister but to back those feelings up with the "why's" he may be acting out on feelings that he realizes are not valid. He may take things personally that are not necessarily so, and he may just need to learn to cope in situations that do not meet his expectations or whims.
An important lesson in life is that we may not always like everyone, but we need to be respectful of certain boundaries regardless of how we feel about them. While I agree that it's okay to have your own feelings, it's not okay to be abusive to a family member and that line needs to be carved in stone. People who do otherwise are called different names, like 'inmate', and maybe looking at his mode of thought, like where the mode of thinking of "we can do whatever we want if we don't like someone" takes us in the grown-up world, which is only 5 years away.
There may be concrete things the parents can do once they have an idea of his reasons. do the kids share a bedroom? Do both kids have a private place they can go to be alone? Are they encouraged to be individuals? Do they get parity in 1:1 attention from parents?
Reply
10-08-2010 @ 2:40PM
Anne-Wyman Black said...I totally agree with you on all points. The comparison to a spouse is misguided and dangerous. It would be different if the boy were a pre-schooler and there was a new baby in the house. The boy is obviously too old to resent the sister's presence in the house. My guess is that the boy is being bullied at school and needs someone to take out his anger on. His violence can only escalate. Get the kid some therapy.
10-12-2010 @ 12:37AM
red said...The person giving the advice was not endorsing bigomy! She was trying to give a valid comparison point. There is nothing dangerous about it. I feel it is better to have children five to ten years apart because the older child will then have a better understanding, they will want to help, and they will want to be the big sibling to the new baby of the family. My niece was great with her little brother and they are close because they are almost seven years apart. They have a better appreciation for each other.
10-05-2010 @ 3:45AM
Melissa said...Um, that would have been great advice when the boy was 5. At 13 this has been going on for years, he's probably much bigger than his sister or soon will be, and it should be made clear that any physical contact like shoving is totally unacceptable. It sounds like some professional counseling might be in order.
Reply
10-07-2010 @ 11:28PM
Amy said...Right, because hitting stuff with a plastic bat and stomping on bubble wrap is healthy. Not! I'm sorry, but this is just encouraging the boy to become aggressive and violent! This is horrible advice. :(
Reply
10-09-2010 @ 6:44PM
paul said...Could it be his sister is just a little witch? I'm 6 yrs older than my sister and although I love my sister I also cannot stand her. She has been a self centered little bitch since she was a child. She is now 44 yrs old and still hasn't changed. Although I never hit, shoved, or said nasty things, I was much too old and was not really around that much, I saw how she manipulated my Mom, screamed when she didn't get her way and was a complete liar. Nothing has really changed since then. For the past 4 yrs since her divorce I have been paying her mortage while she has 10 cats, 3 dogs, 2 teenagers, above ground pool, smokes 2 packs a day, 6 pack of beer every day. She has been working alot, I'm on disability now, my lungs are failing, yet she has no problem spending or her animals, water bills steaks and whatever the kids want. I have finally put an end to it after she got herself a tatoo and told me she has 300.00 cell phone bills and its her money anyways. And I'm the dirty dog. Before you completly blame the boy and start beating him, send him off to counseling find out what the problem is. Maybe your daughter is asking for it.
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10-09-2010 @ 9:35PM
JM said...Advice Mama missed it with her advice. This behavior with brother and sister has been going on for 10 yrs now... depeninding on ethnicity, the boy needs counseling or a swift kick to his backside. Can you imagine being the girl kid in this situation and your entire life, a family member has hated you enough to make your life miserable?
On the other hand, depending on ethnicty of writer wanting advice, the facts of life is older siblings hit younger siblings, younger siblings are the butt of jokes for older siblings.Maybe writer is mistaken that the siblings have a problem. From personal experience, the brother that hit me considered it his god given right and also considered it his god given right to bloody the non relative who tried it and did both.
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10-11-2010 @ 11:51PM
JewelBee said...What exactly does ethnicity have to do with anything? If the child is having trouble regardless as to ethnicity he needs help. Period.