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My Son Is Awful to His Younger Sister. What Can I Do?
Filed under: Siblings, Expert Advice: Big Kids, Social & Emotional Growth: Tweens, Expert Advice: Tweens
Dear AdviceMama,
My 13-year-old son responds negatively to his 10-year-old sister. Since he was little, he has criticized her, whispered sarcastic remarks and even shoved her. We have tried to praise him when he's positive toward her, and have taken away privileges but he continues to bully my daughter. What else can we do to end this?
Signed,
Out of Options
Dear Options,
Imagine how you'd feel if your husband brought home a new wife and tried to convince you that he still loved you the same, and that he was sure that this new woman would add to the happiness of your family. Picture him trying to convince you that in time you'd come to love his new wife with all your heart. Chances are, you'd have a whole lot of resentment toward this new lady -- and your husband would have a whole lot of explaining to do!
As much as we want our children to adore their siblings, mutual affection doesn't always happen on its own. Some kids are quite welcoming toward a new brother or sister, but others require our concerted effort to forge a loving connection between them.
I'm glad you want to address the problem now; studies suggest that a sibling's negative behavior can impact a child as much or even more than that of a parent's, because a brother or sister represents that all-important peer approval (or disapproval), which has such a profound effect on a child's self-esteem.
Here's my advice:
Allow your son to express his emotions, without censoring him or giving him what I call an Act II, where you try to explain why he should feel differently about your daughter. Chances are, he's been "leaking out" his anger toward his sister with mean jabs and shoves because he hasn't been allowed to voice his negative feelings without being scolded.
Make comments that you think he'll say "Yes" to, so he feels you hear and understand his frustration: "Sometimes your sister really annoys you, and it's tempting to say something mean to hurt her ..." or "It's hard to resist putting your sister down when you get so mad ..."
Offer him safe and acceptable outlets for his anger; hand him a plastic baseball bat and let him hit a pile of crumpled newspapers, or give him a piece of big-sized bubble wrap that he can stomp on to get his feelings out. The more you make it okay for your son to be upset, the less his bottled up emotions will spill over onto his sister.
Do make sure you're giving each of your children the chance to feel special in your eyes by spending one-on-one time with them, and by generously acknowledging the unique ways that they light up your world. The more your son feels seen and appreciated by you, the less his jealousy will fuel his misbehavior.
While your son may not fully appreciate his sister's presence now, if you take these steps, there's a good chance they'll eventually become lifelong friends. Don't give up! Someday, they'll both thank you for the effort you make to help them create a healthy relationship.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 5)
10-12-2010 @ 11:14PM
l said...ethnicity has NOTHING to do with this. Children deserve protection regardless of ethnicity or culture. If the family is purple with green spots and lives on Mars, the boy STILL needs REAL consequences and the girl needs PROTECTION and GUIDANCE and since it's been going on for 10 years already mom needs to bring in a professional child behaviorist ASAP!!
10-17-2010 @ 10:15PM
LeDayz said...Ethnicity as in white kids get counseling, black kids get kicked. I'm black but my parents were pretty well off, so I got both. Unfortunately ADD didn't exist back then, so I just had to get through life as best I could while suppressing my curious and outspoken nature. *shrugs* Eh, you live, yo
10-12-2010 @ 4:36PM
paul said...This therapist is nuts. The boy has had ten years to get over having a sibling. Bullying is bad - he should be punished everytime he bullies.
Reply
10-11-2010 @ 8:17PM
jextin87 said...doesnt anyone know how to discipline their kids? seems to me like like kids control their parents and get what they want because of it. I think parents should take responsibility for their child's actions or else they'll grow up being little punks.
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10-12-2010 @ 5:37AM
mj said...I certainly do agree with you. Just go into a store and there is surely a child having a huge temper tantrum over not getting something.
Spock never did us any good. My three knew what was expected of them, and I did MAKE them behave when we went somewhere, or they began hitting each other, OR they have to know what is expected of them. They never came with an instruction book. SO TEACH THEM their behavior is unacceptable, and you will not put up with it. Get on him to treat her well OR she will always get boys, men to treat her negatively.
10-12-2010 @ 11:36PM
L said...Dear MJ: On behalf of moms with tantruming children in tow I offer my apologies. It is often necessary to allow a kid to tantrum when they want something and you don't think it appropriate to get it for them or similar conflict - as long as the parent holds tight and DOES NOT GIVE IN! This teaches children that they will not get their way through tantrums. In the long run, it will reduce the number, frequency, and intensity/duration of tantrums. We never gave into tantrums and my child stopped tantruming at about 3.
Parents who try to appease or even respond to the tantrum (any response becomes a positive reinforcer because it provides prized parental attention) often endure many years of tantrum behaviors. The behavior stops only when it becomes ineffective and no longer receives a positive reinforcement of any kind.
10-11-2010 @ 8:42PM
peapers said...Dear "Out of Options"
First: allow you son to voice his feelings without judgment or interruption.
Second: paddle his ass until his little cheeks are rosy and glowing.
Third: assess his attitude and if it has not changed, apply step 2 until the desire result is achieved.
Reply
10-11-2010 @ 9:57PM
Rob said...The parents need to listen to the boy before they make their decision! Only spank the rear end if it gets out of hand!
10-11-2010 @ 10:24PM
Catherine said...That's great advice! That is, if your goal is to make sure that your kids hate each other and will have no relationship as adults.
10-11-2010 @ 9:07PM
Emily said...The majority of this advice is absolutely terrible. I really hope you read my comment and take it into consideration. Almost all of you are looking at this issue as parents, well let me tell you how that boy is feeling because I can relate to it. No one is bothering to look at it from the poor kids point of view.
I'm 8 years older then my little sister and I hated her when I was younger! And it was because I was jealous of her, I wasn't the only child and I pretty much acted like how your son acts. I would be mean to her and make her cry, and I would hit her. Rarely hugged her or told her I loved her. Keep in mind I was 8 years older then her! It must be even more worse when it's just three years apart. And you want to know what? Me and my sister are best friends now. She is the best and I love her to death. I'm 22 and she is 14 and I think of her as my baby. (parents divorced etc) But I swear to god, I use to absolutely hate her soo much. You are kind of over reacting to be honest. I know you'd love for them to get along, my mother use to tell me how she wished I'd be nice to my sister but I eventually got over.
All these people telling you to hit your son until he loves his sister is absolutely terrible. You're going to make him resent her!! This problem, he will outgrow it, but resentment will stay forever. Just keep an eye on them!!!
My cousins were wayyyy worse then this. She was a year and a half older then he was and they would have all out brawls. Hitting each other, she'd call him a fagot and he'd call her a bitch(age 14 and 15 at the time). They still fight a bit, but there really close now, you would never guess they were ever that bad!
Some siblings get a long from the start, and others take time. But seriously, you are over reacting. Unless he's making her bleed or shes so depressed she can't get out of bed, they're just kids!!
I also agree with that other comment, did it ever occur to you that perhaps you're daughter might be partly to blame as well? Do you maybe baby her more then your son? I mean she is your daughter and the baby of the family, that's got to bother your son as well. They are both still babies though, I don't know why everyone is telling you they are too old. I didn't start bonding with my sister till I was 18!! And I swear, i'd give my life for that little brat!
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10-11-2010 @ 9:31PM
BetteLou said...Children know pain. They must learn consequenses, responsebilities and respect. When my boys hurt a sibling on purpose, they had to apply the same hurt to themselves.
Make it a matter of pride for the boy to watch out for and protect his little sister. He should not resent her and consider it a chore but help her to learn and be happy. Involve both children in activities that they can have fun together.
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10-11-2010 @ 9:40PM
Kris said...This kind of behavior should have been dealt with years ago! It's not like the sister is a "new baby in the house", she's TEN already and her brother is still abusing her! Counseling is most likely in order here!
To the people saying "paddle him" or "spank him" until he stops - NO, NO, NO. Children should NEVER be struck by their own parents. I don't care how badly they're behaving. That right there is how children become abusive to one another.
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10-11-2010 @ 9:44PM
Pat De Range said...There is one other that wasn't consitered, he's one of those males that is abusive to females, think that he has to PROVE he's better than she is. This is a disaster growning up in your home. There are men who are abusive and they don't just happen over night, I have always felt that they are born that way...I know I live with one.
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10-11-2010 @ 9:45PM
Grammie said...What a load of crap! Whatever happened to teaching boys that you don't hit girls for ANY reason! If we would have behaved this way when we were kids we would have been taken out behind the wood shed. WAYYY too much coddling kids these days, parents don't teach thier kids right from wrong anymore and they're too lazy to spend time with thier kids. And don't say its child abuse to spank, WE managed to survive without being all screwed up.
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10-11-2010 @ 9:51PM
Kris said...I should also add that, because my father put me through horrible physical abuse in front of my special needs brother for years, he came to believe it was okay to treat me (and our sisters) this way. My father whipped me, so he whipped me. My father punched me, so he punched me. My father stomped on me, so he stomped on me. He learned wrestling moves from being exposed to WWE by our father from a young age, and he'd use them on my sisters and I. He even permanently damaged one sister's left thumb. I went to school with black and blues every day from both my brother and father, and was encouraged to lie about where they came from.
Young children tend to be very impressionable, so set good examples for them. If there's an issue - ADDRESS IT EARLY. Don't allow your children to hate each other and abuse each other for years on end! I wish to live to see the day where no child has to live through the same childhood I did!
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10-11-2010 @ 9:56PM
Emily said...I'm 13 and my little sister is 12 and we fight constantly. On the outside it would look like we hate each other. And my dad is constantly asking me why i hate my little sister. But when we're alone sometimes we're best friends and we tell each other everything. And sometimes we're like that out in public too. But i honestly cannot remember the last time we went a whole day without a fight or an argument.And sometimes when we're alone it could actually get physical. I always fell bad after so I really wanna fix our relationship before it gets too out of hand. I really do love my sister and wouldn't want anything to happen to us to where we grow up hating each other. Since this site is full of parents i decided to ask this question on here.
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10-12-2010 @ 6:35AM
Lill said...Emily...I'm glad you had the courage to ask for help and advice. It's not too late. My sister and I were 2 years apart...she was older and treated me like a convict...she hated the fact that I was born. To this day she regrets her unkind words and behavior. I was very forgiving, but if I had been a resentful kid we could have lost our relationship. As it is, I have lasting emotional effects from the things she said and did to me.
Listen...during one of your quiet moments with your sister...ask her why she thinks the two of you fight. Is it for parental attention? (sometimes kids scuffle to get mom or dad's focus to be on them because parents are otherwise so busy and only focus when there is a "situation"). Is it because you have a genuine reason to be angry but don't know how to talk about your frustration? Is it just because you are used to solving your problems with conflict? When you figure out why you fight...and chances are she is as sick of fighting as you are...decide/agree to solve your problems without letting your emotions get away with you next time. There are so many ways to deal with conflict...remember that anger is a secondary emotion. It usually happens AFTER we feel something else we don't like, such as fear, sadness, pain or jealousy. Anger seems to follow those other emotions because it makes us feel powerful instead of having to feel those other feelings. Figure out what emotion your anger is following. Deal with that feeling rather than letting anger take over. You will find that you and your sister will be able to relate much better when you are honest with yourself and her about what is really upsetting you.
10-13-2010 @ 12:34PM
L said...Dear Emily, thank you so much for your courage to stand up and ask for help. I wish my siblings had done something back when we were kids and checked in about how I felt at being treated so badly for so long. The picture can look different from different sides. My sister felt closer because we fought constantly but I was deeply hurt by these episodes which felt more like public humiliation and beatings to the point I just don't want to hear from her anymore and if she loves me or not doesn't really matter to me and hasn't for well over a decade.
FIRST- share your feelings with your sister. Make sure that the fighting is not destroying the relationship from her point of view and make sure that when you do fight you are not attacking her as a person or degrading her. When you argue focus on the action or behavior rather than her as a person. It's very important to know that people can disagree and even fight without being abusive.
SECOND- make sure that whatever is between you and her stays between you and her. Go out of your way to support and protect her in other ways and encourage her in standing up to actual bullies in her life. Make sure you don't elicit your/her friends in conflicts between you and she so that she still has friends to turn to and doesn't feel like you are ganging up on her. It is important that everyone has places and people who are 'out of bounds' to the other, someone or someplace (bedroom, bathroom, even a sofa off to the side) they can go and feel safe where the fighting will not follow them. Then (and this is the tricky part) honor those boundaries that you set up together- remember that you may want to feel safe at times too.
You mentioned that you share a lot of secrets when you are together. Make sure you respect that trust by not bringing up those secrets during a fight because that can erode her sense of trust in you. I hope you get a lot of good suggestions from this site and that you share them together to cement the mutual desire to be close and get through these tween years.
Since you have times you both feel close focus on building on that. Look at what kinds of things cause the fighting and see if you can find fair ways to deal with them, you can find an adult you both feel comfortable to help moderate and make suggestions. Set up charts for things you must share, be clear about personal boundaries and even when you fight do not lose sight of the love and respect you share. Think about how you would want your parents to treat each other when they disagree....
It may be tricky because you are so close in age, but if you are motivated your courage and desire will help see you through. It's not too late, asking for help is a big step and demonstrates where your heart is. : )
10-11-2010 @ 10:10PM
M.S. said...I really can not believe the advice. I have a neighbor with a similar situation and I believe it to be caused by the 13 year old boy NOT being reprimanded for his behavior. The "Kids being Kids mentality." Poor boy he must be feeling so left out and unloved? What about the victimized daughter? I grew up with an older brother in a very similar situation and as soon as I went off to become an adult, I wrote him off as the bully he's always been. We are now 41 and 42 years old and have had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with each other. I live a well adjusted life with a nice home and family while he still hasn't grown into a responsible adult. He was a bully as a child who is now an older bully. My mother enabled him to become what he is by NOT putting her foot down when he was a child.
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10-13-2010 @ 10:04PM
L said...Well said