My Son Is Awful to His Younger Sister. What Can I Do?

My brother was just like this our whole lives. He is still a jerk and he's 40 now. I'm 36 and so tired of having to walk on eggshells in order to maintain a relationship with him. Sometimes people are just inherently mean. I have never done anything to my brother to warrant his malicious behavior and have often stepped up to help him when he needs moral support. Unfortunately, after all the years of bullying and abuse he has inflicted upon me I am quite as apt to ignore him these days as I am to listen. It is sad to know that I will never truly understand my brother or his motivations. It is even sadder to know that once we are old and our parents are gone that we will not be able to depend on each other for love and companionship.

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What happens when a younger sister bullies her older brother? She is 5 and he is 8. He will not hit her or say mean things to her because he knows it's not right. She says ugly things to him and takes his things because that's the way he is. I told my son to find a way to discourage this like having her ask to play with a toy that he's not using instead of taking it because he's not using it.

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If anyone has the perfect answer it will be like the Second Coming. In situations such as this, there are as many solutions as there are nuances of the situation. THERE ARE NO PERFECT ANSWERS!!! It is a dilemma any way you look at it and think about it. It just has to work itself out between the sibs so only time will tell. Until, then, trying to fix it will drive you crazy.

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From a kid's perspective, and someone who could not stand my younger sister, hang in there mom, it does get better. My sister got on my last nerve when we were kids. Not only was she annoying but she wanted to do what I did and hang out with my friends. I think my parent did a good thing by not allowing it. They didn't force my sister one me or make me be nice to her. They made sure we didn't physically hurt each other and that we had things and interests of our own. There were plenty of times I had wished I was an only child after she was born, but were good friends now and I can hang out with her and we have a good time. Make sure your son has plenty of things to do that have nothing to do with his sister, and then do things together as a family where everyone is happy and encouraged, such as game night or a movie night. You might be suprised that he will eventually start to like her.

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Having been on the younger sibling (girl) side of a situation like this,(same age difference) I think that advice is a bunch of crap. Parents usually don't know half the stuff that happens. My brother started hitting me when I was about 8 years old and it did not stop until I was 17. I was afraid to tell my parents because he threatened me. He was emotionally abusive as well, calling me all kinds of names. I am now 49 years old and it still plays on my mind. When telling my husband about it once it was like a post traumatic syndrome, I was there all over again. I think the whole family needs help. The boy is abusive you DON'T CODDLE AN ABUSER!!!

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I still don't much like my little brother, I told mom not to bring that one home but she would not listen.
Someone should check on the daughter in this story....I'll bet she does stuff to bug her brother just ot get him into trouble.

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I agree with Kris....this should of been dealt with years ago.
From the first incident, he should of been taught proper behavior and so should she have been. Bullying of any form should never be allowed whether against siblings or anyone else. He may not have liked having a sibling but that was not his choice and is no excuse for his behavior and his parents allowing it. It would of been far easier to deal with when he was three than at 13.

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Not an expert by any means but am mom to 4 and grandma to 5. We taught our kids from day one that they would not be allowed to be rude or mean to each other and that they needed to be each others best friends and protectors. Those were the house rules and they were followed nad still are even tho the kids are adults and in homes of their own. We, the parents, also had control of our kids and their behavior not the other way around. Sorry but I do not agree with this allow the child to express himself crap. BTW, my kids are 29, 38, 39, and 49 at this time. They all stil have respect for us, the parents as well.

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Take him to the juvenile detention center. He will learn a very good lesson there, once he spends some time in it.

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This is a 13 year old kid for chrissakes! He's going to be in high school next year. The brat needs to grow up and quit acting like he's still in the sixth grade.

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A good old fashion ass beating would help! Your sons a bully and you created it.(we praised and rewarded him for his good behavior bla!bla!)
Kids need love and discipline.That discipline includes a spanking when needed.News flash if your kid is rotten its your fault!!!!!

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Just for the record my brother said once a few years ago he did'nt know why he was so mean to me. We still see each other every now and then, but I don't break my neck to go see him when I go home. Jessica I know what you saying, my mother has since passed and she was the only real bond between us. On another note I caught my husband's niece physically hurting her younger sister (8 years difference) once her parents did't do much. They later found out she was bipolar. My brother is not.

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I am sorry when I was a child if I acted out I was punished. No "expressing my feelings", "seeing where I was coming from" or "trying to get in touch with my true emotions". Some things were wrong and if I did them I was punished so I stopped doing them. A 13 year old boy who has terrorized his little sister all her life is unacceptable.

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I agree with Amy, this is terrible advice. You don't give a 13 year boy (who is already aggressive) a baseball bat an encourage him to hit anything. The parents have not been doing their job disciplining him over the years and now he is a teenager with hormonal issues starting, along with his aggression. I feel very sorry for the daughter and I feel that Susan Stiffelman should have her license pulled.
When I was 10 most of my friends with teenage brothers had the advantage of the older brother protecting them from bullies. This is not normal behavior. And those of you blaming the sister, the article says that this has been going on since HE was little, so the sister was a baby, don't blame her for this, it's the parents lack of parenting skills.

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I have no kids but I seriously had to raise an eyebrow at the situation and the advice given. . . the kid's 13, this isn't a 2 y/o jealous of a new baby, there are some serious issues going on here. I agree w/other people that you should get him into therapy, violent behavior is the hallmark of child-onset schizophrenia, among other psychological disorders. . . his violent behavior should not be tolerated, period!

If you don't want to take him to a psychologist, at least sit him down in isolation and have a chat w/him, then do the same for his sister before sitting them both down together to mediate a "peace treaty" it could be that she's antagonizing him behind your back and you're only catching his reaction, I know that was the constant source of strife b/t my brother and I when we were growing up and cause quite a few knock-down-drag-out fights b/t him and me and my parents and me (I'm the older child)

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I was the younger sister in this situation. There was almost 5 years between my old brother & I. My brother was very jealous of me because he was the only child for so long and then little sister came along, and she was sickly at first so she got ALL the attention. Not intentionally, it just kind of worked out that way.
Anyway, as we grew up, my brother was horribly mean to me, calling me names, hitting me, even spitting on me. There was even a time when he burned my hair off my face with a mini welding torch. If I told on him, then it only got worse. I eventually learned not to "tattle".
My father, though an excellent provider, wasn't around much to actually be a dad so I really looked up to my older brother. The way he treated me has followed me all the days of my life. I thought that was how things were supposed to be. I have picked man after man who is abusive and neglectful in my relationships. It has taken me years to really boil things down to why I pick the men I do. I always thought myself an intelligent woman but some things can just stick with you.
I strongly urge you to get counseling for your son AND your daughter (I became depressed & suicidal as a teen but it was ignored as "she's just trying to get attention"). Do this so your son can learn it's ok to have these feelings but it's not ok to act on them in this manner and to learn some coping techniques for his obvious anger. And your daughter needs to learn that this is NOT the way she has to be treated in life and understand why her brother does the things he does. Family counseling should be in that mix as well so you and your spouce can learn even more parenting techniques to deal with this and other possibly more serious issues in the future. This needs to stop NOW!

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I had an abusive brother growing up. From a very young age he would hit me, and just behave extremely badly. My mother and father worked so our nanny didn't protect me much. I had a younger sister who he adored. My sister later in our lives as adults said, "Your were an abused child, not at the hands of an adult, but by our brother". She was right. I have not talked with him in years and it's been so rewarding.

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As the Older Sib in a strife ridden family, I think it is also important to note that you may be unknowingly demanding behavior that is too hard for the elder child to deal with. Many were the times I heard, 'He's younger and doesn't understand," or "You're older so you have to be the adult." Even at 13, this is an unfair expectation. Free babysitting, more responsibility for the actions of the yournger child, imbalance in what is given to or expected from the elder child tend to make the resentment worse. It also steals away some of the childhood and autonomy that the older child might have needed to adjust to not being an only anymore.
The Spouse example is a wonderful one... Especially if the other wife (or child) is smarter, more adept at things, or doted on for their looks or disposition.
Each child needs time alone with each parent to continue the early bonds, and to feel self worth. If they don't get that, the 'pecking order' becomes their only way to assert control over their world.

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