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Let Go of Your College Kid!
Filed under: Opinions
This will come as a big shock: Parents are more involved than ever with getting their kids into college.
That's what a survey of college admissions officers by the Kaplan test prep folks found out, including the fact that 77 percent of the officers say parental involvement is increasing, and in response, 61 percent of colleges have added some new perk for parents, like parents-only tours, or special good bye (i.e., get outta here!) ceremonies, which are a hint for the parents to vamoose.
Let's hope those work, because if not, it may be only a matter of time before America, already abuzz with helicopter parents, follows in the footsteps of the University of Wuhan in China. There, administrators noticed some parents were actually moving into their kids' dorm rooms. They simply wanted to help out with cooking, cleaning, whatever college students need. (Bong selecting? Frisbee fetching?) Anyway, deciding this was "unacceptable," the university turned its giant gym into a temporary dorm ... for the parents. Now mom and dad are invited to roll out a mat and sleep on the floor for a few days or even weeks, and if you click here you can see a photo of it. One thing you've got to admit: Their rows of mats are very neat.
Less neat is the fact that from Chatanooga to China, many otherwise able-bodied college age kids are incapable of living on their own. Or, rather: Their parents think they are incapable. But when you consider that Mark Twain, Ben Franklin and Herman Melville were all apprenticed by about age 12 -- that was the norm until fairly recently -- you start to realize that "kids" are much more capable than we're giving them credit for. If a teenage Melville could harpoon a whale, the average freshman can probably do a load of laundry.
It's just ... we don't believe it. While most of us are also convinced we have smart, "great" kids (ever meet anyone who didn't describe their kids as "great"?), we are less convinced that they are not absolute dolts when it comes to everyday life. After all, we helped them get into college, the next step is to help them through it.
But maybe the trick is to roll up the mat and go home. If we want them to grow up, at some point we have to let them. College is that time. After all, it's not like we're sending them off to battle a great white whale.
Or even if we were, they've got cell phones: "Mom, could you FedEx me my harpoon?"
And we would.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
10-05-2010 @ 11:56AM
Michelle said...Lenore, I agree with you. And I think one of the reasons parents
think it's okay to hover over their college kids is because they are paying for their kids' college. The parents think because they are footing the bill that they have a right to butt in. Parents have to start
allowing their kids to either work their way for college, get a loan,
or earn a scholarship--what a great incentive to getting good grades
in high school! From what I have seen college students who pay their own way through college do better academically and responsibly than those who have mommy and daddy to depend on.
Reply
10-05-2010 @ 1:28PM
Alicia said...I almost yelled at you until I finished reading your post and you're right. I'm paying for college myself, except for the little bit of money a month that my parents still put into a college savings account to help pay, which comes out to them paying 1/40 of my college tuition. And thus, my parents butt out until I ask for help (usually in the form of help filling out paperwork) and yeah, I survive pretty well. I'm actually really thankful for the life I have because I am independent and can afford to have an honest and mutually respectful relationship with my parents. My classmates who have parents who pay for everything are constantly fighting with them and are largely incompetent because mom and dad never taught them to cook or do laundry.
10-07-2010 @ 7:21AM
Lori said...I totally agree with Lenore's article. As a parent, I know I'm going to have a hard time saying goodbye to my kids when I drop them off at college, but I'll do it. Of course, I'll be in touch with them via phone, e-mail and regular visits -- I think that's healthy. Our kids don't need us to hover, but they do need our support.
I do disagree with another commenter concerning paying for school. In my opinion, part of our job is to pay for our kid's college as much as we can. I do expect them to have a part-time job for spending money and do their darndest to get scholarships, of course. But, college is so expensive these days. I don't want my kids crippled with debt when they're starting their careers, if we can manage it. I'll cross my fingers that my kids will appreciate our efforts and keep the beer drinking to the weekends.
10-05-2010 @ 12:59PM
dougalcandy said...I totally agree too!! At what point do we let go and let them be adults? My daughter is 19 and a sophomore in college. Although we are paying her tuition (it's a state school, nothing exorbitant) she gets a small allowance and is expected to budget, buy her necessities, do her own laundry and live independently, plus deal with all her own problems on campus. My husband and I would never dream of getting involved in her college life. She calls for advice when she needs to, and whether she takes it is up to her.
In our house, after age 18, there is no more gravy train, time to grow up and handle your own life, make your own spending money (she has a job on campus) and prepare for adult life.
Reply
10-05-2010 @ 4:01PM
behrens.j said...This left me dumbfounded. Parents tour? Staying over? College kids are what? 18 19?
I left home at age 18, moved across the country to attend a university in a city where I'd never been before. I lived in a dorm for a year, then got myself a small apartment. I'd have punched my parents had they insisted on staying. I was on the threshold of adulthood, taking my baby steps. At university, there's your time to be foolish, stupid, whatever, and then take whatever consequences.
For various reasons I DID need my parents for a long time after enrollment, but it was by phone.
Reply
10-05-2010 @ 5:46PM
Kathy Seal said...The problem with the Kaplan survey was that it mixed up hovering/helicoptering involvement with healthy involvement. It promoted the confusion that can lead to throwing out the baby with the bath water. There's nothing wrong with keeping in touch with your college kid and, if she asks, helping her learn how to think through decisions. Doesn't mean you have to do her laundry or meet with her thesis advisor god forbid. And, I've heard very good things about some of the parent orientation sessions that colleges give. That's in response to legitimate parental desires to support their kids. Just because past generations of parents might have dumped their kids at the bus or train station without a tear doesn't mean that's the best way to do it.
10-06-2010 @ 5:31PM
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Reply
10-08-2010 @ 8:01AM
CommaMomma said...I think kids should be expected to handle most things independently when they are in college and some parents probably haven't adequately prepared them for this. However, I wonder if the reluctance to back off isn't due to the colleges' sometimes heavyhanded attempts to impose a different value system on students living in campus housing. As a parent, I'm fine with letting my kids be independent and learn through their mistakes when it comes to things like laundry, cooking, cleaning and car maintainance. The thought of letting their perky RAs continually promote sexual promiscuity/experimentation and framing everything in terms of negative effects on identity groups without having any mature adults around to offer a cautionary perspective terrifies me though. I experienced that almost 20 years ago and while it didn't cause me to abandon the value system my parents had taught me, it did start to shift me away from it. I will expect my children to live independently when they are college-age, but I will encourage them to do so in an apartment as soon as possible and minimize the time they spend in college housing.
Reply
10-10-2010 @ 10:47PM
custard said...Do you talk to your kids do you know them ? ,I asked my son what he would prefer he said text in the evening or phone between these hours. I show interest I keep it light I tell him he is doing great.He phones me with funny stories and questions ~we have been preparing for this for 18 years people. TALK ask am I too much~ not enough .Just be an adult and watch your kid become one too!!.Love them and be proud
Reply
10-31-2010 @ 8:37PM
Dennis said...I work at a university and on a orientation day a mother came without her son, who was going to be a freshman at the university.
All day long the mother was on the phone to her son and telling him how things were going to be for him. I guess he was working at a part-time job at home.
I think that it should have been the mother who was going to school.
Reply