Opinion: Sometimes, It's OK to Let Your Kid Be Bullied

Interesting response. When I read this article, what I heard this mother saying is that she has made a choice to not step in every time and thus teach her child to stand up for herself. I in no way saw this post to say that kids should be bullied, or it is alright for them to be abused, but quite the opposite. I found that it was talking about empowering our kids to make the difference in their world.

Maybe the school yard is such a rough place because our children have not learned how to deal with these situations on their own. Maybe if less parents would step in and 'fix' the issues their child is having and instead give them the encouragement to fix it themselves there would not be as many issues. I agree that the parents role is to be an advocate and an advocate gives advice, stands behind to show support and steps in when absolutely necessary. I think by parents constantly jumping in and fixing their child's issues they are actually teaching their child to be helpless and thus perpetuating being a victim.

I believe the point of the article was empowerment. Of course if the abuse becomes physical, a parent should step in. However, part of growing up requires sticking up for yourself. We, as a nation, are facing a spat of needless tragic deaths of children caused by bullying. However, none of that was purely verbal, much was physical. Is that to say a child should be left in the cold to deal on her own with name calling? No. A parent should be her ally and teach her how to deal. Teachers should step in. Honestly, in the writer's shoes, I probably would have called the girl's mother, calmly explained what was occurring and hoped that her mother was responsible and sensible enough to it her down and explain that, while by no means do you have to love everyone in your class, bullying is unacceptable.

I think you're being alittle harsh, as a parent of 4, i too hate the thought of somebody else picking on my child and i don't jump in until it gets to a certain point, usually physical. I love my children, i cherish them, but i cannot protect them from everything especially when they leave home... they have to be able to learn these things for themselves, in which i agree with the orginal author. As bad as it seems, the child will learn a kind of independence, and when they get into a sticky situation later on in life, i hope they learn how to handle it RIGHT then and THERE, because, as much as i like to be, i probably won't be there beside them holding their hand. Yeah, it breaks my heart to think of it, but i won't have to worry as much if i know they can take care of themselves without me having to coach them along!

I completely disagree with this "hands-off" approach and I will explain why. When my son was in preschool there was a classroom bully, who was a young girl who was verbally harassing and ultimately pushing and shoving other students on a daily basis. The teachers and staff did nothing about it. One day my son was minding his own business playing on the playground equipment when this bully came up from behind him and pushed him off the equipment on to the pavement. He fell on his right arm and all his weight off course went on his arm. He broke two bones instantly. After this incident, the girl was expelled, from PRESCHOOL, and the school was worried sick I would sue. The school of course paid my son's medical bills. Parents, do not sit back and allow this verbal bullying to escalate. This stand off approach will ultimately lead to your children being physically injured. Bullying in any way, shape or form should NEVER be tolerated. Period, end of story.

We moved two years ago from a school that had zero tolerance for bullying. In his new school there is a high percentage of Army dependent children. They have to deal with dad or mom being on long deployments with the at home parent on a short fuse, but in dealing with these children it has changed my 6 yr old son to the core. I've come very close several times of snatching up one of several bullies by the collar and slapping his back side. I will not stand by and watch my son's self esteam be ripped from him by this unacceptable behavior. The school attitude is that boys will be boys, in other words toughen up. All I can wish is that he can survive this abuse and still remain the empathetic child that he is, but I have noticed my son say things to younger boys that has been said to him by bullies. What can I do? I'll be back in school next week to discuss the problem again

I work at an Elementry School and while we have kids that are a little on the wild side, For the most part they are great kids. We don't have any true bullies, but we do have a few that just stay in trouble. One strange child we have, according to the childs teacher, is on some kind of medicine to keep the child under control. When this medicine wears off this child become trouble some and has even hit another child in the nose. For themost part we as parents need to let the child learn life's lesson. We have one child that is a spoiled brat and gives teachers a time when the child does't want to do some school work. This child will scream and even cry to get out of the work. The teacher still makes this child do the work any way. Also as parents we need to know when to step in to protect our children from the worst kinds of bullies, the kind that attacks other kids for the fun or power trip it gives them. These bullies are the kind that will maybe become killers or at least in trouble with the law. If we step in when one of these types of bullies are suspected we may be able to change their future to one of real hope for their future.

she did say that as soon as it was reported to her daughter was pushed in the playground...she called the school. so i think you're a little over the top with the ummm what did you say...several knife wounds? how else will our kids learn to defend themselves against a person like that in the big world? they will learn to depend on someone all the time. i believe she did the right thing.

I am a mother of 5 ages 6-14. It is my experience that the playground solves most problems. There are always extreme cases when a parent should step in. However, it is only natural that there are going to be leaders, followers and sideliners in any group. My children are all different and fall into all of these groups. Yes it is very hard to see your child left out or made fun of and maybe it brings back some of your own harsh memories from childhood. But we all survived.
It has also been my experience that when a parent steps in too much that there is often an unforeseen consequence. The other children learn to stay away from those children. I can give you several examples of kids who were left with no friends because the other children did not want to get in trouble every time there was even a slight perceived injustice. Something small that happens at recess can turn into a huge event in a child's mind by the time they get home and thus starts the slippery slope. And we all know that there are 3 sides to any story yours theirs and the truth.
Leave your child be as much as possible. When they come home and tell you about something bad that happened, try to give them the skills to deal with it on their own. Don't make it into a big deal. In the very few cases that you feel it is out of hand then step in. They will be better able to deal with what life has to throw at them as they get older. Trust me, there are several 14yr old freshman boys walking around my son's high school who are still texting mommy every time something goes wrong.

This article reminds me of an experience I had back in junior high when I was only 15 yrs old. One day, while riding home on the bus after school, this girl named Denise started to pick on me. Denise's boyfriend had just broken up with her and she was pissed off at me because she had heard that he wanted to ask me to the school dance. Denise decided she hated me and wanted to beat the crap out of me. For the rest of the week, her anger grew more and more and finally, she announced to anyone who would listen that on Friday, after school, she was going to do it (beat me up). Well, on Thursday, the day before this was supposed to take place, I got off the bus and was crying my eyes out with fear - I decided I was going to be 'sick' and not show up for school on Friday. As I was walking home from the bus stop, another girl named Debbie asked me what was wrong. Debbie was a very tall girl in our neighborhood and built like a linebacker - lots of kids, including boys, were afraid of her. She also happened to be my best friend's cousin! Debbie and I got along great. I told Debbie what was supposed to go down that Friday. Debbie said she already heard about it and she told me that she would take care of Denise for me. She told me to come to school on Friday and just act like nothing was wrong because she would take care of Denise. She promised me I would be ok. Well, Friday came and wouldn't you know it...Denise didn't say one word to me that day. Rumor had it that the 'fight' was called off! I never had a problem with her again! I asked Debbie "What did you do/say to Denise to get her to leave me alone?" Debbie shook her head and told me to just forget about it. She wouldn't tell me! Now, fast-forward 30 yrs later to the early part of this year - I heard that Debbie was in the hospital dying. She had diabetes and several other serious health problems and was not expected to live. I went to visit her (I hadn't seen her in over 25 yrs) to say goodbye. Before I left her hospital room, I turned to her and asked her if she remembered when we were teenagers and stopped Denise from beating me up. She nodded her head "yes". I asked her once more, "So what did you say to Denise to stop her from beating me up?" Debbie turned her head towards me, looked me in the eye, and just smiled. She still wouldn't tell me! I hugged her goodbye and that was the last time I ever saw her again because she passed away 2 weeks later. Every kid needs to have a 'Debbie' in their life as their guardian angel. When my daughter was growing up, I told her to seek out the meanest looking kid in class and somehow become their friend. We can't always be there for our kids when these things happen. BTW - the bullying never stops either...it even happens in the workplace! You've got to learn how to defend yourself.

Good for her! Your job as a parent is to prepare your child for life away from home as an adult where that child will have to fend for and protect themself. You can't and won't always be there to protect them so they need to learn how to cope with bullies and protect themself if they need to. They will never learn these skills if you are always there stepping in to protect them.

Mothers are not for leaning on, they are to make leaning unnecessary. Of course it is a parent's right/responsibility to step in when there may be a safety issue. It is also very important to allow your child to deal with most things on their own, with your guidance. You won't be going to work with them in ten or 15 years, when do you think they learn their most basic life skills? 0-5!

it is never ok to allow a child to be bullied, being a retired teacher, it affects negatively that child's learning process, it affects a child mentally, emotionally,physically,psychological. No parent should ever allow such a thing. The schools need to make that very clear to the students and parents that the school takes a No Tolerance policy on bullying and inform the students and parents from the very beginning what will happen should this occur even once, not 2x not 3x just once. As we know kids have committed suicide because of bullying. I never had a problem with that kind of behavior because all my students knew from the beginning the consequences.

I doubt a 4yr old has the capabilies to solve an issue such as bullying. The mother should have stepped in and if nothing was done then have a meeting with all parties included. I work in a school & i see first hand kids being bullied on a daily basis & nothing is really done about it unless a child is physically hurt. I remember when my child was in elementary school & was constantly being bullied. I was told by the school that it would be taken care of yet the bullying continued. It got to the point where i told my child to fight back win or lose. When my child did that the bullying stopped. I'm not saying every situation will turn out that way just that every situation is different and has to be handled differently. What worked for my child might not work for another child. But parents should always be wary about what's going on with their child at school & be ready to call the school or have a meeting with the teacher, asst. principal & principal if need be. If that does not resolve the issue then go above them and let them know you will make sure that your child is suppose to feel safe & protected in school not scared & in danger.

Becky, your logic, rationale, and commentary leads me to believe that you need professional counseling - immediately.

One cannot go through life demanding and expecting Government, or Mommy, or Daddy, our bar bouncers to take care of them. A person needs to take care of themself at atll times. Sure, blame public shools for being prison like. What a cop out!

You come across as a perfect example of the losing side of Social Darwinism. If you as a Parent raise a wussified child into adulthood, guess what is certain to happen? The real world will eat your child alive, spit them out, and then look for dessert.

BRAVA x 1,000,000 to that courageous Mother who allowed thoughtful reflection to guide her actions and decisions.

Get counseling, Becky, your personal experience has tainted your thinking and world view in a seriously degenerated manner. I hope you are able to recover because you are obviously well educated and articulate. Best wishes for your full recovery.

Whats wrong with you people? If your child is being bullied than you stop it immediately. We can't allow bullying to go under the radar. If you allow the kid to keep on bullying, than you teach them it's ok to be mean to others. He gets away with it everyday! No adult stops him. He gets a thrill out of it. That kid needs to be punished. If an adult pushed another adult down at work, wouldn't you call the police? Kids deserve to go to school without fear period. You're a nutcase if you think the kid should suffer and deal with it alone. The bullies need to be taught how to treat others. Parents and teachers need to get off their lazy butts and teach kids how to behave.

I would like to say bullies are only enpowered when the bullied doesn't speak up. In pre-k the bullied or the bully are not learning a thing if no one steps in to help both understand why their actions are wrong. Pre-k bullies don't just stop they get worse, maybe because they really don't understand the meaning of their actions. The bullying has been growing in the US and it is not just a kid thing, the children who bully and are not stoped as children grow up and continue to bully. There are many adults who use bullying to get what they want. The bullying needs to be stoped at all levels. We need to teach our children to stand up for themselves at a early age, and sometimes it is just a matter of telling the teacher.

I can't believe these responses. Obviously many of you have never been bullied. When I was a kid, I was a holy terror. I was a fat kid, but I was all boy. I hunted, fished, slept in the woods, would fight anyone, anywhere, and any time. By the time I started school, my parents had begun to try and tone me down. They told me how other kids could have their feelings hurt. That I should be on the lookout for kids who were being picked on--and befriend them. So, that's what I did. Soon, I was friends with every nerd in school. As a result, one guy, decided to harass me. This went on for weeks and I was always reserved and non-confrontational with him. He assumed that since I was meek--I must be weak. One day when he decided he was going to embarass me by slapping me around, he found out the hard way, that he was screwing with the wrong guy. I kicked his a** all over the school yard. More than 300 other kids saw me do it to him. The only thing that stopped his beating was a Nun coming and pulling me off of him. From that day forward, I never got in another fight. Never had to. The tone had been set. Don't mess with the fat boy, he is crazy.

My son was bullied for two years....never told us, because he knew I would step in and he also knew it would escalate if I did. He is an honor student and didn't want to fight back, because of the "no tolerance policy." If he fought back, he too would be suspended. So one day this "idiot" started on him and my son jumped on him and started punching this kid. They were 15 and 16 years old. They had to pull my son off of this kid. My son is quiet, excellent student, very involved in school and ambitious. This was WAY OUT of his character! The anger built up and exploded. He could have hurt/killed this kid, or himself, because of the anger he had built up. I told the principle, this kid asked for it and he agreed. However, my words to my son, as they have always been....come to us or a friend or his brothers.....SOMEONE! Don't hold it in. Let someone aware of what is going on. I comment Dr, Phil for what he is doing on putting "bullying awareness in schools."

The means girl needs a good pop to the mouth and a foot in the butt. Does wonder for the tude of a mean person.