Opinion: Sometimes, It's OK to Let Your Kid Be Bullied

Nice job, Mom. You let your child be psychologically & emotionally abused for almost a year. Maybe if you had said something sooner, it never would have gotten physical. Good thing it was only a scratch because it could have been much worse.

This article doesn't make sense. OK, what happened when she finally stepped in?

The sad fact is that Amy allowed her daughter to be bullied for a whole school year. If she had stepped in right away, maybe it would have been stopped. Her child might have had a nice school year instead of a horrid one.

Her allowing her child to be picked on on a daily basis is doing severe damage to the child's self esteem. It's also showing the child that she cannot count on her mother to protect her. Children that young should not have to deal with bullying.

Does she not understand that the child who's bullying is crying out as well? Maybe if she stepped in right away, the parents of the bullying child could have realized something was wrong as well.

This is why I home school my children, so they don't need to deal with all of this bs. I know most can't home school, so they need to be proactive. Don't wait until your child commits suicide then think, "Maybe I should have done something?"

I think you all are correct in a lot of ways......specific
We dont want to jump in everytime our kids get bullied because it is not teacking them how to handle it. My daughter WAS just like that daughter bullied and every night we would talk about how she was mistreated. What I did was seek help from a close child psychologist and this is what we did........... She would tell me how she was talked to by these girls THEN I would TELL her what to say next time. The next day she would say that to them and THEY would be flustered. My daughter learned such good language skills and coping through that that the bullies stopped bullying her and moved on. IF they had be PHYSICALLY harmful then I certainly would have stepped in because that is crossing the line (which I had to do with my son that was phsically harmed-and boy did I take care of that). What I got out of this was.....both my kids realized that they had parental support, a safety net, to be open about what is going on, and how to deal with their problems. My daughter is now 17, level headed, independant, assertive and I'm thankful that we chose this path of teaching.
thanks

Wow! You compare public schools to prisons? As a public school teacher I take offense to this statement. At my school bullying is not tolerated. Teachers teach children how to handle the little "he butt in front of me in line" offenses for themselves with "I care" language. But when a child is hurt by another child we, as teachers, step in and get involved as does our principal. Parents are called and the situation is resolved with consequences for the offender.

I think something to think about is the fact as a parent we are responsible to raise our children to become productive members of society. With that being said we are teaching them to stand up for themselves by teaching them to not tolerate it and not allow the "verbal" bullying to get tot he point of physical. Someone was talking about it's just verbal - well let's think about how abusive relationships begin, shall we? So are we supposed to teach our little boys it's ok to verbally abuse their gf's or wives as long as they do not cross the line into physical and terach our little girls it is ok for their bf's or husbands to verbally abuse them as long as they are not crossing the line into physical abuse??? WTH? ABUSE is ABUSE! Have you herad the phrase physical wounds heal easier then the emotional scars??? How much do our children have to endure before people realize this has become an epidemic due to lack of response from parents, school officials and the general public?!

Ok so you say the children need to learn to handle things on their own and only step in when it comes to physical threats. ALL physical threats begin with verbal! We need to teach our kids how to be street smart too so does that mean we drop them off in the projects and as long as no one physically harms them then they will be fine and lessons learned? It is our job to teach our children to stand up for themselves but when parents are too passive to say anything until it gets to a point there is physical threats then what are we really teaching our children?

People are so afraid of being "that mom" but who the heck cares?! Ever think about who created that term? Probably some bully using it against a child they are bullying to manipulate and control another child!

Grow up world! We live in a crazy messed up world which is getting worse with each generation..... It is time for thigns to change and that will never happen as long as people turn a blind eye to what is happening to our children! The children grow up and become future adults that can either become productive members of society or the next criminal. What do you want for your child? Think about it! Part of what is wrong with this messed up wrold is all of society worrying about what others think of them - who freakin cares! You can either agree with me or disagree but if you disagree just do some soulsearching about the recent events in our world and ask yourself if it might have made a diffenence in some of the kids lives if people would have stepped in when it was "just verbal" - would they still be alive?

Hi:

I am raising two grandchildren (boys) and raised three children of my own (two girls and a boy). I completely 100% agree with Becky's post here.

Conflict resolution can be taught at HOME like everything else we learn, the home is the first place we learn from; certainly there are enough differences of opinion in the family to learn that.

I hear what Karen is saying, I was not and still am not the type of caregiver that steps in everytime, I do think the children need to handle some things and learn how to do that. In the case of bullying or bad driving in the case of a bus driver, I DO step in immediately and let them know either situation is NOT OK.

WTG! Becky.

Tricia

I was bullied constantly all throughout elementary and middle school. It let up a bit in high school, although there I was inappropriately touched by 2 guys who everyone thought were just very friendly, so I would've felt embarrassed complaining to anyone about them. My mother heard about most of the bullying, but never did anything to stop it. I was never physically harmed, but I lived. I'm still not a confident adult (I'm 22), though. I never did learn how to stick up for myself. I also don't have any friends. But I don't blame that on my mother not stepping in. I think she would've made things worse.

A hands off approach to bulllying at the pre-school age is a bit much. It would have been much more effective (for your daughter and the bully) to have stepped in immediately and not let the misery go on. So the writer finally stepped in when she had no other choice because her daughter was physicall assaulted; sorry she didn't live up to her job description......she gets no props from me. I could understand this philosophy a bit more if her daughter were older (middle school or up) because at that age a child has developed some ability to fend for themselves. This Mom flunks the first rule of mothering - protect your child!!!! As an additional benefit, the bully would have learned a lesson really fast - the kind of message that needs to be made clear right away - no tolerance for bullies!!!

There is something very different going on today than in years before. People are far more self-centered today than in years past. This has coined the term "the me generation". We now are finding out that bulling has been taken to new heights with the internet as cyber bulling and cell phones. This new form of bullying has led to tragic events such as suicide or kids bringing guns to school. I believe if we all could just follow the golden rule and by such our own children will follow our example. Remember children emulate what they see. I implore parents to listen to thier children, as what may seem to be an insignificant thing to the parent can be devastating to the child.

Hannah, Alicia, Melissa, et al....- Let me give you the reality of this entire situation. This woman is not talking about a fifth-grader or middle school student. She is talking about a four-year-old! This child is at a developmental stage in life where she needs to be able to trust that her PARENT is willing and capable of making her world safe for her. It is not her responsibility, nor does she yet have the problem-solving skills, to determine how to adapt to her environment in order to be safe. All this mother is teaching her child is that she either cannot, or will not protect her. If she had handled the situation effectively from the beginning, she would have taught her daughter HOW to deal with bullying when it comes up a little later in life. She would have learned how to diffuse a potentially dangerous situation before it becomes violent by going to the proper authority to take control. Instead, all she taught her daughter was that Mom was too concerned about what people think of Mom to do what Mom should have done for her in the first place. She also taught her how to be a victim. As someone who a) has a degree in developmental psychology, b) works in the public school system, and c) has raised three children who have all been bullied at one time or another, I can tell you that there is a very real problem with bullying in our schools. Sadly, there are parents who encourage their children in this behavior thinking they are teaching them how to get ahead. The sooner these kids learn that the adults in charge will deal with them, the sooner they learn bullying is not an effective interpersonal skill. There is a time to let your children GRADUALLY begin to manage their own social environment, but 4 years old is NOT it.

You are expecting too much from such a young child. I remember when my young daugter told me she was being followed by a man on a bike. She was an actress (literally) and thought she was making it up. When she became an adult she told me how upset she was that I didn't believe her. WE lived in suburbia and those things don't happen.This was 45 years ago andshe remembers it still. I am so happy today that nothing did happen, but she was right and I was wrong. My son who had ADD (in those days we didn't know that term) was always bulliedHe never wanted to go to school. I was NOT passive about it, and spoke to the boys mom. It's hard enough for young children to adjust to school and being away from home, they don't need this too.

Ok in all honesty people we are talking about children. They do not grasp our theory of empowerment. They look to us as parents to guide them and be there to protect them. I completely disagree with letting a child figure out how to deal with problems like this when most adults still can't! I will concur that children can be cruel and yet their rationality is quite simple. They follow what they see in society and by us as parents. As per a parent who attacks the world and denies they're child can do no wrong well that's the parents fault not the child. As a father of 4 I will do everything I can to protect my children, now does that mean I'll be psychotic no. It just means that a child can not go out there and defend themselves from the world, that's why we parents exist and obviously the majority who voted oppose to this "tough love" philosophy know that not backing your child causes more harm than good.

I think this article is so sad . I was Bullied all throughout school , then was molested as a pre teen being told for years to just handle it I did sadly and alone . When my Mother found out about my cousin touching me and exposing his 16 year old self to my 9 year old self well what did you do to stop it ? i was asked ?? HOGWASH BULLYING IS ABUSE AND SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED AT ALL , the fact your daughetr is coming to you she is looking for help as I was and so many other children do , you dont have to be the annoying helicopter mom to go talk to the school about your child being ABUSED by another child . Since no one listened to me when i was 5 and called Bucky Beaver, Ugly vampire girl ... boy .. freak .. etc I was then subject to just tolerate any abuse that came my way , including marrying a man who knocked my teeth out belittled me in front of my children until one day I woke up and after years and years FINALLY had the self esteem that had been stolen from me back in Pre-K 4 when the bullying began with my bad short haircut that really looked nothing like Dorothy Hamill and made me look like a total boy ... THANKS MOM @@ I haven't spoken to My mother in 6 years since the day she screamed in my 6 year old daughters face and told her to "suck it up and quit crying" None of my kids want to see her , My daughter who is now almost 14 started a new school , where she was the object of a Bully , we talked , she asked me to wait and after a few weeks she asked me to step in , but she was nurtured , has a safe listening ear to come to and is also 13 ... not 4 or 5 . Children that young really dont know how to react and are so impressionable If you as the caregiver , the parent do not step in then what example are YOU setting ? The example should be when Timmy calls you names and upsets you GO TO THE TEACHER and I will help you by showing you how THE FIRST time ... not when its the last :*(

That sounds EXACTLY what happened with me when I was a kid. My parents put me in a Karate class and I learned confidence. One kid was attacking other kids frequently and almost stepped on another child's throat for being different. All of the parents contacted his parents and told them to check their kid and make sure he was not being a bully. His parents' reply was, "They're kids, let them fight it out." So before any other kids got hurt, thankfully, the boy attacked me. I kicked him in the crotch and punched him in the chest. Sure, I got in trouble for it, but he never picked on me or the other kids again. It wasn't about winning or losing, it was about being confident enough to keep other kids from bullying. I also found that if the parents of the bullies stepped in more than those being bullied, we'd have a more caring and positive society. That is what is truly lacking, the teaching of the bullies not to bully!

All this said, I now have been teaching martial arts for 10 years and when conflicts occur, I am confident enough to solve them in non-violent and humble ways. For example, one man came up to me a few years ago and said he wanted to fight me. At that time, I was holding a small stick and could have dealt with the situation violently. Instead, I told him that if he could hit me once in three tries, I would tell the world he beat me. If he couldn't he had to never be in another fight with anyone. I also told him I wouldn't move or try to dodge him. Then he got ready, and just before he punched, I told him to fix his stance. So he did. Then he got ready again, and I tapped him on the leg and said, "Just a little further back." Then he got ready again and I said, "Ah..." and he said, "What? What do I need to do now?" So, I replied, "Walk away. You lost." Sure, there could have been a fight, a medical bill, a law suit, a jail sentence, but all of those were avoided with the simple use of love, understanding and confidence. I encourage all those reading to share this story with your children and help them understand that conflict does not mean fighting. I wish I could have dealt with that bully of mine from when I was eight years old, the same way I would now. Without a single punch, a finishing strike within the mind.

Love and peace, Shidou.

And this attitude is exactly how and why some children learn that physical assault is an acceptable means to resolve conflict. Yeah buddy, with the rash of child suicides in response to ongoing bullying, how many of those parents do you think would like to go back and step in and do somsthing? Those parents live in HELL wishing with all thier hearts they could go back and do something to let their child know it wasn't a hopeless situation. And this child is learning this in kindergarten? Shame on you people who allow it to go on and on and on. And the bullies learn nothing will happen to them. and the best part of all this leave it alone attitude? When the victim of the bullying fights back, BOTH kids are suspended from school. Been there, done that. You people who do nothing as a big a part of the problem of bullying in school and the parents of the bullies who let thier kids terrorize other children. Childhood bullies evolve into adults who abuse their wives, husbands and/or children and later, even their parents if they become dependant on them. Schools with zero tolerance of bullying overall have much happier and more successful students. Schools that indulge in paddling tend to allow bullying. Society must develop a zero tolerance for abuse of any kind. That includes paddling. Physical violence as punishment teaches children at a young age that it is an acceptable means to resolve conflicts. My son is obviously going to be a large man. I have worked very hard to teach him from infancy that physical violence and force is not an acceptable form of resolving conflicts. It will be easy for him to use his size to get his own way, but hopefully, by stepping in when he's been bullied and assaulted, I've let him know it isn't right whether it's done to him and long before he is big enough to do it to others before he becomes a man. WAKE UP PEOPLE.

Sometimes you are also punished for defending yourself which gives the child a message "don't bother defending yourself, because you'll only get into trouble." But they never do anything about the bullying. That is why there is a law in place in every state and the schools have to enforce it. Yes, parents have to teach their kids to defend themselves, but sometimes the bullying gets out of hand when it's the whole student body of that grade doing it. What do you do then? I've had that happen to me and I never told my parents and I got punished by the principal for defending myself after a teacher taught me how.

Red: That's life. As adults we often pay the consequences for doing the right thing. Life isn't fair. No one ever said it would be.

Unfortunately a lot of parents are raising children, not future adults. Ofter parents step in too early. Play teaches a child skills they will need as adults to handle more difficult situations. Just as in adulthood, the child needs to learn what they can handle and when to turn to a higher power, whether that be family, courts, spiritual.

Name calling doesn't always end in physical situations. Don't judge all actions by your experience.

The thing is we got to stop this "don't snitch" rule. That is something that is associated with gangs, criminals and junkies. Which they use as part of their intimidation. If they were stopped at an early age then they wouldn't get the idea to use it against people at an later age. We need more people to step up to the plate when criminal actions are done. There are many reasons for Bulling. If we understand them as to why then we can deal with them and maybe help them and others around them in the future. Bullying in one sense is the start of someone who is nurting themselves into power. They start small to see what they can get away with and at an early age. If we stop them then then we can stop would be future criminals. So they start small with like name calling then it esculates more and more. Now we don't have to jump in right away but the teachers and principles should be aware of kids like that. NOT to snitch but for them to do their job which is to monitor kids in the class and everything should be taken seriously. It is part of their job to do so when you are not around. Another thing that Bullys bully for is to cope with their own life. Wether it be abruse in the home or just dealing with a lost one. Those kinds need our help. Bullying is their way to get someones attention. If we catch them at a young age we can help them from incaving in on themselves or becoming future junkies trying to escape reality. So making teachers and principles aware of Bullying should be a priority for any parent.