Father Loses 2 Young Children In Tornado
Why It's Hard To Get Along With Your In-Laws
Opinion: Sometimes, It's OK to Let Your Kid Be Bullied
Filed under: News, In The News, Weird But True, Bullying, Opinions, New In Pop Culture
Resist the urge to intervene in all of your child's struggles. Credit: Getty Images
The mean girl's name was on my daughter's lips from the beginning, first with breathless admiration and, soon enough, with a dollop of tears.
My kid is a lot like me, which means she's extremely sensitive and inclined to take any negative remark made about her as the gospel truth. Night after night, as we watched the seasons change outside her bedroom window, she spilled her tales of woe about this slight or that insult during our bedtime cuddle.
"Why isn't she my friend, Mom?" she'd ask, her big brown eyes pleading for an answer she could understand.
The urge to pick up the phone and raise holy hell was almost unbearable. But I didn't -- at least not until the school year was just about over -- because I didn't want to be THAT mom.
You know, the mom who harasses the principal about her child's assigned teacher. The mom who is disinclined to believe anything remotely negative about her own kid. The mom who harangues the bus driver about his or her driving skills.
Being THAT mom is tempting, sure, but it's also dangerous. In our zeal to protect our kids -- and let's be honest, parents are wired to do so -- we sometimes fight battles that would be better solved on the playground or by the people who are paid and trained to educate our children.
Stepping in to micro-manage every aspect of your kid's life is a mistake. It robs children of the ability to deal with conflict and rejection. It saps their independence. It labels them, in the eyes of their peers, teachers and administrators, as weak.
Making a big deal out of the little stuff will give you less credibility and diminish your power to advocate for your kid when it really counts. Don't forget the tale of the little boy who cried wolf.
It's easy to be seduced into helicopter parenting. Heck, if I didn't fight my nature every single day, I'd have a landing pad on my roof. My kids are precious to me and the very idea of someone hurting a single hair on their heads makes me roar like the mama lion of lore, and if I felt either of them was in real danger I would step in with all the force I could muster.
I did just that, when my daughter finally reported that her enemy had pushed and scratched her at recess, out of sight of the teachers, one day close to the end of the school year.
Obviously, I want the best for my kids, and I'll do everything in my power to give them the tools to make that happen. But that toolbox doesn't need to include me stepping in to solve their every problem. What I can do is help them cope with and approach a difficult situation with calm and cool heads -- be it the not-perfect-for-them teacher, the boy who pulls pigtails -- or the mean girl on the playground.
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 24)
10-23-2010 @ 8:23AM
Sunday said...@ Red ~ Yes, you're right! That does happen a lot. One of the things I always remembered my father telling my brother growing up was that he would never be angry or punish him if he got into trouble just for defending himself. My dad said to my brother " You have my permission to defend yourself if the other guy hits you first! I will never, ever, be angry, or punish you for defending yourself! You have my word that I will always be on your side and defend you if that happens."
10-24-2010 @ 8:09AM
jul said...I do not agree the child need to know that you as a parent are there for them then teach them about the world. If it is important for them then it needs to be important to you, explain how they should deal with the situation. They need to know they can count on you, If you do not listen now and blow them off when something bigger comes along do you really think they will come back to you. If you donot take time to teach them and how to deal with bullies or whoever, who will.
10-18-2010 @ 12:30PM
3boys said...You need to at minimum do some observation to verify if a school staff member is being intimidated by a child or by their parents into being idle. I witnessed a staff member assigned to the playground intentionally look the other way while a child and their bystander friends behaved poorly. The staff member was obviously afraid to confront the child because of the number of kids involved and the fact that the child had a history of back-talking and arguing whenever they were disciplined. The parents later proved to be a problem also.
The prison analogy makes sense but I would say that a mafia comparison works in some cases especially when a mean-girl is involved. As an adult we usually don't have to put-up with unpleasant people for more than a few minutes at a time but kids can be placed in the classroom and grouped with thugs over and over throughout their school years.
I once saw my son being harassed by a girl through lunch and recess only to be paired with her for reading. Of course he then got scolded by the teacher for not wanting to partner with her.
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10-18-2010 @ 3:25PM
Larry Meredith said...It is NEVER okay to let someone be bullied, but, along with other readers of this article, I agree with getting the child to stand up for themselves, and it doesn't always mean giving someone a fat lip. Let them know, in no uncertain terms, that they are to stopwhat they're doing, and not do it again. ONE WARNING ONLY. After that, the conversation is over, and someone gets a black eye. The problem with bullies is this: They want to see you grovel, they want to her your cry for your momma, they want to hear you whine, it empowers them to keep doing the bullying. Bullies don't want to pick on someone who'll fight back, they're targeting the weaker one's amoung us. Even if you get whipped, stand up, and make them earn it, they won't bother you again. I was raised around bullies all through my school years and after I snapped one day and put four of them in the hospital, I never had any more problems. Teach your kids that bullies have to be dealt with, no matter what, one way or the other, and if they're bigger than you, pick up an equalizer 'cause I've never been in a fair fight. You fight to win, and you deliver more pain than you receive. They'll get the message, because taking to these morons doesn't get anywhere, they have to pay the price for being a bully, then they'll understand. I have defended kids who have been bullied all my life and do till this day, and I'm 64 yrs old, my son is the dame way. We don't stand by and watch someone get bullied, if they can't or won't defend themselves, we'll step in and put a stop to it, right now.
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10-23-2010 @ 12:14PM
Tammy said...Larry, I would have to agree with you 100% about defending yourself against bullies. I also must state that as a mother of two wonderful children, I am "That mather". And I don't mind that title, because I know that my kids are safe. I would prefer that title or association any day then to have my kids think that I would actually allow someone else to cause harm to them (no matter how MINOR) the bullying is. I have taugh my children one main point... **I did not bring them into this world to be someone's punching bag!*** I brought them into this world to make my life complete, to love and spoil them (to a point),l and to offer them everything that I did not have as a child! And... I have also instilled upon my children to allot one warning and then to haul off and deck the bully. And as being that mother... I have proven to my children that, there is nothing in this world that I would not assist them with, nor go to war with them over. My children know that I am here for them no matter how small or large the issue is. My kids and I can always work things out together, I would never turn my back on them! and there is nothing in this world that would ever change that. So, if that makes my kids sofe, weak, or a sissy... so be it - at least they will always know that their mother loved them enough to protect and stand beside them every step of the way! So thank you for that great post
10-23-2010 @ 11:37AM
mom0f3kiddies said...Larry Meredith, I couldn't AGREE WITH YOU MORE!!! There is nothing wrong with a child defending themselves! My husband was born and raised in a military family and was taught to defend himself at age 5. I also, won't stand by and let my children or anyone elses children be bullied! If you had to use force to defend yourself, so be it. If it got the message across then GREAT! These bullies AND their parents need to be taught a lesson! And for those parents who stand there and say "thats life, deal with it", were obviously the bullies that we are discussing now. AND if a child does have to use force to defend themselves then BRAVO! Why should they be punished for defending themselves, because I know from experience that talking to the bully OR their parents goes NOWHERE!!
George Carlin said it best: "We are raising a country of soft, mindless individuals who are taught NOT to stand up for what they feel is right"!
10-19-2010 @ 6:21AM
cassandra said...And was Larry sent to prison for causing such severe injuries that his victims were hospitalized? He would be now.
When a parent teaches a child to respond with violence that is also a crime. I have read about mothers being prosecuted for that behavior.
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10-19-2010 @ 11:28AM
Sandyone said...My son once had me worried that his bully's mom was going to come after me. As it turned out, I never heard a peep about what had happened between the boys. I figure one of two things happened. The bully went running to his mommy to complain about what my son had done to him and she told him "Stuff it, Junior. You probably had it coming" or, the bully realized all by himself that he deserved what he got and just kept his mouth shut. And his hands off my son.
I'd be curious to see where parents were prosecuted for children's appropriate responses to bullying. Larry's advice is mostly good, but it does lack some of the finesse that is necessary in today's soft world.
10-23-2010 @ 11:19AM
LARRY MEREDITH said...When it's four against one Cassandra no jury in the world would convectm of anything because I was defending myself against the moron's, by "snapping" they knew that day I had enough, I also served notice on them if I caught them bullying anyone else, what they got was a taste of what was to come. Forunately for everyone concerned, they never did it again, and two of them were friends of mihne for years. Once they stopped being punks and bullies, looked at the world through a different set of eyes, they were quite easy to get along with. So what's wrong with that? I'll bet you're liberal aren't you?
10-19-2010 @ 12:34PM
mom said...I was never bullied as a child. The very few times I was teased were painful enough. I imagine if I were mercilessly bullied with no adult to step in it would have been very tramatic. Even an adult would not take well to being "bullied". You cannot get away with it really in the workplace. Better behavior is expected. So why on earth would you expect a six year old or any age child to be able to withstand it without some real emotional damage being done to their self esteem? I say step in, yes save your child, that shows them compassion, teamwork and dependability. Those are the things we need as children and adults to tackle others who break social rules.
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10-23-2010 @ 12:59AM
BG said...God Bless You, exactly what I think!!!
10-23-2010 @ 6:26AM
ernurse1993 said...Agreed.
10-23-2010 @ 7:34PM
Palm Springs Housewife said...I was and am the mom that is not afraid to speak out. I would rather be known as the mom that is observant and is comfortable enough to ask questions. I have my children's trust. I have seen too many parents, teachers and even principals be the bullies. I feel I have empowered my children to believe in themselves and stand up for what's right.
10-23-2010 @ 6:48AM
Mary said...I am a middle school teacher and I agree with mom, bullying has a very lasting effect on a child. Once a child has been seen as weak (soft), the other students lose respect for them and will bully your child also. Parents should step in as soon as possible to let their child know that they have their back and let the bully know that this behavior is not acceptable. I helped my son by having him confront the bully when he was not around his friends.
10-19-2010 @ 4:58PM
Heather said...There was a bully in our school that use to change who he picked on. every week it was someone else. We were all in gym when it was my turn. A couple friends and I were at the basketball hoop he wanted and he tried to get us to move. He threated and called names and then when I told him we were not moving he can go somewhere else. He got right in my face and " said what if I make you" I yelled back go ahead and try and threw the basket ball in his face. You should have seen the look on his face. No one ever stood up to him. He backed off at that point and left all of us alone after that.
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10-19-2010 @ 6:36PM
dee said...I understand the idea of not running in to save your kid every time something happens, but it would have never degraded to physical violence in the first place if someone had stepped in. When my nephew was being bullied on the bus I went early to pick him up and told him to point the kid out. Then I waited for that kid's mother and told her what was going on and that if I didn't see a change I would take it up with the administration. Yes kids need to learn to stick up for themselves, but sometimes sticking up for yourself doesn't work -- like when the bully is bigger/older than you. THAT is when you need to step in. Sure I taught my nephew to stand up for himself, but he's too smart to pick a fight he knows he can't win. And if your kid knows they don't stand a chance, you can bet the bully know it too.
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10-23-2010 @ 3:25AM
iambaddkitty said...i just wanted to say, i feel you were right and you make alot of sense.
10-20-2010 @ 3:10PM
momma bear said...My son was bullied in middle school. It was always done in the hallways between classes. He never said a word until I asked him if he had ever been bullied. He then told me that very day the kid who harassed him had told him that tomorrow was his birthday and he was going to kill my son. We kept our son home from school that day and spoke to the police and principal. We were told that the bully was to be examined by a mental health professional and would then return to school. ONE appointment!! What about my son?? We were told that the teachers would look after him. That had not happened for a year, why now? I am a teacher. I know that they do not have time for that. In my opinion, they did not take it nearly as seriously as they should have. Shame on them.
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10-20-2010 @ 5:06PM
you have to be kidding said...Her daughter wouldn't have told her if she wasn't upset.
It is absurd not to have a conversation with the bully's parent(s), teacher, or principal.
The bullied child is telling an adult, her PARENT. It is our job to be our childrens' advocates.
Clearly it did not require suspension, but it did require action. This mother subjected her daughter to this an entire year, when it should have been stopped the first day her child told her about it!
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10-21-2010 @ 10:51AM
Momma D said...I totally agree. STOP THE BULLYING IMMEDIATELY.