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Opinion: Sometimes, It's OK to Let Your Kid Be Bullied
Filed under: News, In The News, Weird But True, Bullying, Opinions, New In Pop Culture
Resist the urge to intervene in all of your child's struggles. Credit: Getty Images
The mean girl's name was on my daughter's lips from the beginning, first with breathless admiration and, soon enough, with a dollop of tears.
My kid is a lot like me, which means she's extremely sensitive and inclined to take any negative remark made about her as the gospel truth. Night after night, as we watched the seasons change outside her bedroom window, she spilled her tales of woe about this slight or that insult during our bedtime cuddle.
"Why isn't she my friend, Mom?" she'd ask, her big brown eyes pleading for an answer she could understand.
The urge to pick up the phone and raise holy hell was almost unbearable. But I didn't -- at least not until the school year was just about over -- because I didn't want to be THAT mom.
You know, the mom who harasses the principal about her child's assigned teacher. The mom who is disinclined to believe anything remotely negative about her own kid. The mom who harangues the bus driver about his or her driving skills.
Being THAT mom is tempting, sure, but it's also dangerous. In our zeal to protect our kids -- and let's be honest, parents are wired to do so -- we sometimes fight battles that would be better solved on the playground or by the people who are paid and trained to educate our children.
Stepping in to micro-manage every aspect of your kid's life is a mistake. It robs children of the ability to deal with conflict and rejection. It saps their independence. It labels them, in the eyes of their peers, teachers and administrators, as weak.
Making a big deal out of the little stuff will give you less credibility and diminish your power to advocate for your kid when it really counts. Don't forget the tale of the little boy who cried wolf.
It's easy to be seduced into helicopter parenting. Heck, if I didn't fight my nature every single day, I'd have a landing pad on my roof. My kids are precious to me and the very idea of someone hurting a single hair on their heads makes me roar like the mama lion of lore, and if I felt either of them was in real danger I would step in with all the force I could muster.
I did just that, when my daughter finally reported that her enemy had pushed and scratched her at recess, out of sight of the teachers, one day close to the end of the school year.
Obviously, I want the best for my kids, and I'll do everything in my power to give them the tools to make that happen. But that toolbox doesn't need to include me stepping in to solve their every problem. What I can do is help them cope with and approach a difficult situation with calm and cool heads -- be it the not-perfect-for-them teacher, the boy who pulls pigtails -- or the mean girl on the playground.
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ReaderComments (Page 4 of 24)
10-23-2010 @ 4:24AM
jadeycams said...i agree with most on here, we can't let someone bully our kids because we think it will make them strong, how many of the parents of the kids who killed themselves after a bully drove them to it, said the same thing. being a bully or being bullied should not be allowed. period
10-23-2010 @ 4:54AM
Sheryl said...AMEN!!! I couldn't agree more!!! A parent is the "PROTECTOR" of a child! What was this mother thinking? She let this go on for 9 months, 180 school days, while her little girl was AFRAID? How miserable for that little girl! When things like this happens to our children we need to "nip it in the bud" right then! All you other parents who agreed with the mom in the article, you should be ashamed of yourselves! What is this world coming to? Any abuse of any kind by a child or an adult should be delt with severly and not put off with the attitude, "lets wait and see"!
10-24-2010 @ 8:07AM
jul said...I agree the mom should not have waited. Taking no action is the same as saying it is ok for the bully. People seem to react faster to body hurts faster than emotional ones. Why do people do this? Who was the mom helping her daughter or the bully? I have a commitment with my family to love and protect so they can grow up to be well rounded people. We are to step in for our children when needed and what we can not do we leave in the hands of Jesus.
10-21-2010 @ 10:53AM
Momma D said...This article had me thinking having a similar situation at hand right now. We talk about empowering our children by allowing them to solve their own problems. That is true, but...... I believe solving problems has to be taught. It is a parents role to give their child the skills necessary to solve their problems. Children follow the guiding light of their parents. How we deal with problems teaches a child how to deal. Roll playing is a great way to start. We teach our children how to react to "strangers" yet we expect them to be savy enough to deal with and take care of "bullying" problems on their own. We want to allow them to be strong enough to handle. We're expecting too much from a five year old just going to kindergarten. I don't believe any parent should "sacrifice" a child's self esteem under the guiles of "learning to deal with it." Let's face it, in the real world there are good and bad adults who foster good and bad behaviors in their offspring. We are also supposed to prepare our young with the tools with which to solve their world problems. We have to teach earnestly. We have to give them the armor with which to deal. Roll play with your child. Present problems for them to solve. Reenact bullying to test their ability to cope and solve. Remember, Your child is an extension of you. How would you deal with a person at work who constantly harasses you? Your child has to be taught how to deal, and if that doesn't work, step in and don't be afraid of doing it. It's your child and he/she has to feel the strength of your support. Don't misunderstand, I'm not suggesting you fight every battle. NO WAY! Be there, in tune with your child's needs. Don't defer to the teacher or principal to do it. Make them aware of what's happening. Demand that intervention take place. It's not easy going to school and being the object of ridicule. No child should have to cope with that every day. It should be stopped immediately. Don't Wait...it's not going to get better. In some cases, dealing with bullying for some is just ignoring it and going through life taking it. I don't thing any parent would be satisfied with their child coping with a "Biff" from "Back to the Future."Remember one thing is for sure, CHILDREN COULD BE VERY MEAN...and they're usually unaware of it. Adults have to TEACH what is acceptible and UNACCEPTIBLE behavior.
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10-20-2010 @ 10:02PM
msbeltran said...I'm big on kids learning to be strong and independent in a lot of areas... and I'm big on letting them resolve their own reasonable conflicts with other kids-- fighting over toys, arguments, personality clashes, etc... Bullying, in my opinion, transcends reasonable conflicts because bullies are not reasonable. Maybe my judgement is clouded because much of my childhood years were made miserable by bullies and it was a shadow that took me into my 20s to get out from underneath. My husband was bully-bait as well so it's also a very sore subject for him. We moved past the bullying, it's not like we still cry over it, it doesn't affect our lives anymore, but that doesn't take away the painful memories and the fact that we had to go through a very long healing processes to get over the negative feelings bullying gave us, like low self-esteem and paranoia. By the time I was 15 I dropped out of high school just to avoid it because it was a daily source pain. I ended up getting my GED and going to college years later. The notion that anyone would look at a child is weak because they reached out to someone when bothered by a bully breaks my heart... the fact that the victim crying for help would be treated like the one with a problem... that's seriously wrong.
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10-21-2010 @ 3:52AM
theresnoblackandwhite said...We are so much more protective of our children these days. This, combined with society's strategy of constant 'positive reinforcement' will lead to a generation that doesn't know how to take failure or stand up for themselves when pushed in a corner. Empowering our children to take care of themselves is an important part of growing up. I agree with the mom in this article.
I have two daughters: one who is being bullied and one who had a stint as a bully herself. I couldn't have two more opposite kids. And here's the thing: I didn't know my daughter was giving other kids a hard time until another parent told me. The teacher never told me, but once I found out, I got on top of it right away. The reason she was teasing kids was because other kids were teasing her, and she didn't know how else to deal with it. Once these problems were identified, it was successfully resolved by working with the teacher and my daughter.
My other daughter is still constantly bullied. I have realised that I cannot fight her battles, but I can instil in my daughter a number of strategies to deal with her problems and always be there to listen to her and help her work out how to deal with what's happening.
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10-21-2010 @ 6:42AM
shayna alterman said...i am a retired teacher and social worker. my petite and timid daughter was bullied and physically threatened at recess and dismissal in second or third grade. of course the teachers did nothing about it...they may not have known. I called the bully's mother. she was embarrassed. she told me she would speak to her daughter and hoped she and mine would be friends. i told her i didn't care whether they became friends but that if her daughter, the bully, came within 10 feet of mine, i would take care of it myself. directly. and i would have beat the shit out of the bully if she had touched my daughter. there was no more trouble.
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10-23-2010 @ 1:31AM
ROBERT M. RUIZ said...gOOD FOR YOU. I DID DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10-23-2010 @ 3:25AM
iambaddkitty said...now that's what i'm talking about, the only thing a bully understands is i will kick your ass. my oldest daughter had a girl who first started with the name calling, when my daughter zinged her right back she then went with physical threats. first time my daughter told me this girl was making fun of her i said give to her right back, she said i did and now she says she's gonna beat me up if i talk back to her. well i showed up first thing in the morning and let this kid know if she put her hands on my child the one i carried and birthed i would break her gottdamn hands and she can get her mothers butt kicked too, i then went to the principle and told her if she did not call an intervention right away i would tear her whole school apart. i let her know that i do not let annnnyone put their hands on my kids. i am a beast when it comes to physical abuse of my children. needless to say this girl went one to another grade with my daughter and we never heard a peep from her, word also got around that my daughters parents where crazy and nobody would dare mess with her. don't just leave your kids out in the cold. if they could solve all their problems on their own what the hell do they need parents for.
10-23-2010 @ 5:20AM
Sad said...Pathetic. An adult threatening to beat the "shit out" of a child and getting encouragement from other moms. Nice. Hey, if you have a problem with a bully honey, just tell mommy, she will be an even bigger bully than your classmate! Your child needs to learn how to stand up for herself. Your child's classmate needs to learn how do treat other people appropriately. Threatening the other child with physical violence is not a solution. I am appalled to think you ever were employed as a teacher or a social worker. Shame on you.
10-23-2010 @ 4:04PM
iambaddkitty said...here's the point who cares if you are ashamed. i don't care about you or your feelings i care about my kids feelings. i would whoop the hell outta a kid. beat the crap outta their mom and my man would kick the shyt outta the dad. if you hit my kid your gonna get a beaten not a talking to. if you want to let your kid get pushed around physically and you wanna teach them to stand up for themselves maybe you should show them. did your kid come with karate instructions. how would your kid know how to defend themselves did you teach them. did you have someone else teach them. no parents don't fight but kids defend yourself. violence is violence and if you want your kid getting stabbed to death in today's times for duking it out go ahead. i would rather knock a punk out than to see my daughter rolling around and throwing punches with someone. i am the beast and you gotta go through me like the ass whooping or not. BOTTOM LINE
10-24-2010 @ 3:58PM
Amy Thomas said...This mom and I have a different definition of "bullying." "Not being my friend" is not what I would consider bullying. It's normal chidish cattiness.
Real bullying, physical (obvious) or emotional (excessive meanness that carries on for a long time, ostracization by the entire class, being forced out of activities, etc) should never be tolerated ever.
I was bullied horribly by my class in junior high. I ended up with less than no self-esteem and was later suicidal. It's not always possible for a child to "stand up to them" and make it stop. It won't. My parents affirmed me at home. It didn't fix it, not at all.
There are different solutions for different situations. Normal childhood spats don't require parental intervention. Long-term bullying, even if it is not "physical," does. A child's emotional health is worth a little of the parents feeling a little uncomfortable, right?
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10-23-2010 @ 12:26AM
janna nikkola said...I completely disagree with the woman who wrote this article. How could she just stand by and watch her 4-year-old daughter suffer for the entire school year without stepping in to stop the bullying? The teacher was obviously not aware of what was going on and all parents have an obligation to make the teacher aware of bullying -- and not just to protect their own children, but also to teach the bully at the outset that bullying will not be tolerated. By allowing this bullying to go on for the entire school year, this poor little girl was made to suffer needlessly and the bully was allowed to form a habit of bullying behavior which will be much hard to curb now that she's become accustomed to this pattern of behavior. If it went on to an entire school year, I'm amazed the teacher didn't notice it herself. I can't believe this mother allowed her little girl to suffer for an entire year in her first year of pre-school. Being bullied for so long her first time out in the world could cause long-term damage to this child's self-esteem and self-confidence. Small children don't have a filter and tend to believe all the bad things other people say about them and come to believe they deserve to be mistreated. I can't believe this woman could be so insensitive to her own child and even be so clueless to write an article saying "it's OK to let your child be bullied". This is just not true. I almost want to bully and smack this woman for being so stupid.
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10-23-2010 @ 12:22AM
Ray Kaye said...One would have to have been bullied themselves, in order to fully appreciate this issue.
If the parent does not stand up in support of their child, then the child simply adds the parent(s) to the list of those alienating them. The inner fear that a child feels, is this: all day long they live in hell only to come home to more hell in having to live in fear the entire night knowing there is more bulling in store for them the next day.
Instead of just being a normal, doing schoolwork, play and chores, every minute of every day is spent dealing with the bullying, alone and internally. Trust me, this is how it is. No child's mind should have to deal with such a burden.
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10-23-2010 @ 12:24AM
Dan said...Ummm, isn't there supposed to be an ending to this story?
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10-23-2010 @ 12:47AM
SELF ESTEEM said...Wow great do you have one??????????
10-23-2010 @ 12:40AM
SELF ESTEEM said...I have learned by my 18 yr old who was bullied since he was 6 or 7
Great kid, loved by all teachers/people he meets/Very sensitive and would not stick up for himself.
Now my 11 yr old well he could care less. High Honors student liked by all teachers... Keep it short and simple for them " Dont start it period, but if someone mentally or physicaly harms you.. You have every right to deffend your self. I will back you up if I know your being truthful. He follows that rule... The rest is history.
Thats all they need to know. Stand your ground, just dont start it..
He is not being bullied now, but about 1 yr ago when one or two kids tried he let them have it, and the teacher stood by him knowing he was deffending himself.
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10-23-2010 @ 12:41AM
Captain America said...B** S*** Ms. Hatch.
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10-23-2010 @ 12:43AM
Mike said...When I was in elemetary school, we had a bully. He knocked one of my teeth out during a fight that we had (after school). My parents never called the school to complain.....they thought that I either had to learn to handle him, or learn how to avoid the fight. But.....one day the bully picked on the wrong student, and got all of the fight beaten out of him. Suddenly, the kid realized that being a bully wasn't the right way to influence people!
It was settled without the parents and teachers over-reacting, and everyone learned a little lesson about life!
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10-23-2010 @ 4:13AM
iambaddkitty said...O.M.G you got your tooth knocked out and your parents thought it was o.k. lol i feel bad for you. you said it yourself you had to learn to avoid getting your ass kicked. how did that work out. so you not only had to get up in the morning get to school, learn your lessons, do homework and avoid getting your other teeth knocked out. did you have time for chores or any other activities. so what if it took two years longer for the savior to show up. you could have lost alot a teeth in that time. i'm just saying. why did someone else have to finally beat this kid up. if parents would have stepped in you could have saved a tooth. i hope is wasn't a permanent one. teeth are expensive. or where they cheaper back then. i could not imagine someone hurting my child in this way and me not rolling heads. why is it o.k for someone else to show up and beat the bully up and not anyone else to step in. this is why children are hurt in certain ways and then minupulated by the person. they say things like your parents won't believe you. you'll get into trouble. if you go to your parent and tell them you are being assulted and they tell you run faster hide better. here's a new camoflauge hat for your birthday junior. it'll help you hide better while waiting for the bus. then they won't come to you with something important then it will be to late.