Hot on HuffPost Parents:
PHOTO: Virgin Mary Figure Appears With Child Battling Leukemia
Babble.com: 8 Parenting Lessons To Learn From 'Arrested Development'
Grandson Won't Sleep in His Own Bed!
Filed under: Behavior: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers
Dear AdviceMama,
My 2-and-a-half-year-old grandson still sleeps in bed with his parents. My daughter and her husband have tried to put him in his own bed, but he still winds up in theirs. We are expecting another grandchild any day now and I think this will pose a problem with the sleeping arrangements. Can you help?
Signed,
Worried Grandma
Dear Worried,
As challenging as it may be for your daughter and son-in-law to have a toddler in their bed while caring for a newborn, this isn't the time to try to enforce a major change in your grandson's sleeping habits. Even if his parents were to convince their child to sleep in his own room, once his new brother or sister arrives, there's a good chance he would revert back to climbing into mommy and daddy's familiar bed in the middle of the night as he adjusts to big changes in his little life. The last thing you want is to fuel sibling rivalry by "kicking him out" of his parents' bed just when the baby arrives, without giving him time to comfortably transition to his own room.
For most of human history, families have slept together, and in many parts of the world, they still do. While I'm not arguing for or against co-sleeping, I will say that there is plenty of evidence to suggest that children do fine when they sleep with new babies in their midst. I'll also say that your daughter's dilemma is extremely common; one of the issues I deal with most frequently in working with young families is the difficulty parents have in getting children out of their beds! It takes persistence, consistency and determination; qualities that are in short supply when parents bring home a newborn!
The people I would be most concerned about are your daughter and her husband. Given the disruption a new baby is going to bring to their nights, I wouldn't add the challenge of repeatedly walking a toddler back to his own bed in their sleep-deprived state, which is what they will have to do to train their son to sleep all night in his room.
Given the fact that your daughter is due any day, I'd suggest you offer your babysitting services so the new mom (and dad) can catch a few good naps and a bit of alone time. If your grandson is willing to spend the night with you now and again, that will be terrific. You may even offer to sleep at your daughter's house when the baby comes, inviting your grandson to have a slumber party with you in the guest room to break the routine of sleeping in Mommy's bed. In a few months, when your grandson has had time to adjust to the baby, his parents can revisit training him to sleep in his own room.
Meanwhile, congratulations on your growing family. Have fun, and enjoy this next chapter in grandparenting!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
My 2-and-a-half-year-old grandson still sleeps in bed with his parents. My daughter and her husband have tried to put him in his own bed, but he still winds up in theirs. We are expecting another grandchild any day now and I think this will pose a problem with the sleeping arrangements. Can you help?
Signed,
Worried Grandma
Dear Worried,
As challenging as it may be for your daughter and son-in-law to have a toddler in their bed while caring for a newborn, this isn't the time to try to enforce a major change in your grandson's sleeping habits. Even if his parents were to convince their child to sleep in his own room, once his new brother or sister arrives, there's a good chance he would revert back to climbing into mommy and daddy's familiar bed in the middle of the night as he adjusts to big changes in his little life. The last thing you want is to fuel sibling rivalry by "kicking him out" of his parents' bed just when the baby arrives, without giving him time to comfortably transition to his own room.
For most of human history, families have slept together, and in many parts of the world, they still do. While I'm not arguing for or against co-sleeping, I will say that there is plenty of evidence to suggest that children do fine when they sleep with new babies in their midst. I'll also say that your daughter's dilemma is extremely common; one of the issues I deal with most frequently in working with young families is the difficulty parents have in getting children out of their beds! It takes persistence, consistency and determination; qualities that are in short supply when parents bring home a newborn!
The people I would be most concerned about are your daughter and her husband. Given the disruption a new baby is going to bring to their nights, I wouldn't add the challenge of repeatedly walking a toddler back to his own bed in their sleep-deprived state, which is what they will have to do to train their son to sleep all night in his room.
Given the fact that your daughter is due any day, I'd suggest you offer your babysitting services so the new mom (and dad) can catch a few good naps and a bit of alone time. If your grandson is willing to spend the night with you now and again, that will be terrific. You may even offer to sleep at your daughter's house when the baby comes, inviting your grandson to have a slumber party with you in the guest room to break the routine of sleeping in Mommy's bed. In a few months, when your grandson has had time to adjust to the baby, his parents can revisit training him to sleep in his own room.
Meanwhile, congratulations on your growing family. Have fun, and enjoy this next chapter in grandparenting!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Your<span>Voice</span>
Ask Us Anything About Parenting
Recently Asked
- Cant upload foia for federal election commission primary election results or general for derian douglas hickman or the e-mail
- My daughter (14 yrs) was just kicked out of her Girl Scout Cadettes troop. Her offense? Having ADD (not hyperactive) and she wasn't picking up on a tr...
- D. hickman v. intel, microsoft et.al federal district court dc (bill gates deposition part 1 you tube?) are you a owner of a company?
TheTalkies:RelatedVideos
-
How to Get Your Preschooler to Sleep in Their Bed
Susan Stiffelman gives parents advice on how to get their child to sleep in their own bed.
-
Co Sleeping with Your Baby
In this episode of The Lab, Daddy Troy fills in for Daddy Brad and joins Daddy Clay to talk about a controversial parenting topic, co-sleeping. Part of the attachment parenting movement, family co sleeping happens when the baby sleeps in the bed with mom and dad. The dads interviewed an expert who explained the controversy behind it. Why are some mothers and fathers for it, and others against it?
-
Hey Ma: The Latest In Parenting Tips
Hey Ma! I'm having trouble sleeping. If your child is saying this, then it may be due to what they are watching before bed. Check out this and some other parenting tips on... Hey Ma!
-
TV Before Bed Makes It Hard for Kids to Sleep
Parents may need to turn off the tube earlier in the evening. A new study suggests kids who watch more TV before bedtime have a harder time falling asleep.
SitesWeLove
- Site Map
- |
- Staff
- |
- Terms of Service
- |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Trademarks
- |
- Advertise With Us
- |
- About Our Ads
- |
- AOL Downloads
- |
- Contact Us
- |
© Copyright 2012 AOL Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Aol Family
ReaderComments (Page 3 of 7)
10-31-2010 @ 6:51PM
Carolyn said...I would suggest having a separate ''bed'' in your room for the toddler.
It could be a toddler mattress on the floor...but get started with
something. Either she must go to sleep on it or she must
be on it when she gets up...or the opposite... Start with very
minor and simple behavior modifications and give it plenty of
time and patience to sink in. I am not aware that there is
a prevalence or even a special need for an autistic child
to always sleep with Mom/Dad. Are you certain she is
autisic...at 2 1/2 yrs ??
10-31-2010 @ 3:15PM
Gina said...When our daughter was small, we read somewhere to put her sleeping bag at our bedroom's doorway. When she walked onto it, she would subconciously stop there, instead of our bed. IT WORKED from the first night. Maybe it'll help other families...
Reply
10-31-2010 @ 7:54PM
Nana said...I'm the Nana, not the parents, and I let my 2 year old granddaughter sleep with me when she spends the night. My sister told me long ago, with my own children, that she didn't know of any teenagers that were still sleeping with their parents so not to worry about it! I probably let my granddaughter sleep with me more for me than for her but it works for us.
Reply
11-01-2010 @ 9:39AM
Ker said...Hi, Nana. My Uncle and his wife have two daughters 16 and 14. My aunt and her husband have a son 13.
The 16 year old has always slept on her own. The 14 year old is STILL sleeping with her parents, and her cousin the 13 year old is STILL sleeping with HIS parents. It's ridiculous. the 13 year old proudly told me the other day " I'm starting to sleep in my own room by myself!" It was like i was talking to a five year old. They are both immature for their ages, and neither know how to put themselves to sleep. You might be surprised how many teens still ARE sleeping with their parents, with everyone just keeping things under wraps.
10-31-2010 @ 3:17PM
wildlifeartistkc said...I have a 2 1/2 yr old grandson also but what scared him out of his room was soemthing we hadnt thought would ever happen. One night he began crying and screaming and my daughter went to him and held him and he clung to her crying... she asked him what was wrong and he said ... Chad. She said someone scared you? and he said yes, Chad. She realized the name he spoke. My husband her stepfathers son passed away a few years back and his name was Chad. Our grandson has never heard anyone speak of Chad so it really was disturbing in some ways. We know Chad woudl never scare anyone and my daughter loved her stpebrother very much so she told her son that Chad was just there to look after him and not to worry hes an angel. But regardless a child that age doesnt understand these things and its scary... so he still wants to sleep in their bed at night not his own yet... am hoping he will get back to sleeping in his room sometime.
Reply
10-31-2010 @ 3:51PM
Kelly said...Sounds to me like Mom has the problem. LET GO! Give the kid his/her own space. Now that you've created a monster, you are making it SO much more hard on the kid to break them of it, because it was "easier" for you or you were too selfish. Do what is best for the kid from day 1, not because it is easier for you. Now with the new baby they will do the same thing and wind up having 4 people in bed together. This isn't about a "family bed".....if they lived somewhere they couldn't afford a bed for their kids, that would be one thing. This is about people, including kids, knowing their personal space and boundaries. It's like women who breast feed until the kid is like 10. Some people call that child abuse!
Reply
10-31-2010 @ 3:53PM
Kelly said...Oh yeah, and to Advice Mamma.......you may be somewhat right that with a new baby being born any minute, it might not be the right time, but what happens when out of necessity the kid is booted out of bed with a new baby? Won't he resent that more? What you forgot to mention, is get the kid out of bed and into their own room ASAP!!! And don't make the same mistake with the new one!
Reply
10-31-2010 @ 4:03PM
Diogenese said...We were very poor, lived in a one bedroom rental. We had a little boy, first, but he had his own bed (crib) in our bedroom. Later, he had a larger youth bed and we had a baby girl, who slept in the crib in our bedroom. My husband and I had a double bed, but we all slept in the same bedroom. No way could I image having our children sleep in the same bed with us. Sure glad we did what we did, as it was such an easy transition later, when we had a 2 bedroom. Our son and daughter shared a bedroom with twin beds. Then as our son got older, we had a 3 bedroom and each of them had their own bedroom and privacy and our daughter could even invite a little girl friend for a sleep-over. They never, ever felt unloved or insecure. They were thrilled to have their own bedroom, space and privacy. So were we. I believe in families being close, but sometimes....
Reply
11-01-2010 @ 12:19AM
goodthoughts said...Can anyone who grew up in the 50's imagine the WW2 parents letting us sleep with them? So unimaginable as to have been a non issue. Our boundaries were so clear then. We could keep the door open, we could keep the closet light on, that's it. Young parents, just make sure you're doing for the child and not for yourselves.
Reply
10-31-2010 @ 4:16PM
Cat said...Have the toddler help with the new baby in the middle of the night. Won't be long till he or she wants to have their own room.
Reply
10-31-2010 @ 4:23PM
Bonbon said...The best way to get a kid out of your bed is not to let him in there in the first place. A baby sleeps in a crib. When he outgrows the crib he sleeps in his new bed. Period.
Reply
10-31-2010 @ 4:35PM
stevec said...i think its nice to have my kids in my bed.i wish they would all sleep with me.i will always remember these years and wont be looking back saying i wish we would have spent more time together when they are all grown up.snuggles for me and not for you
Reply
10-31-2010 @ 4:36PM
Margery said...How do people get themselves into these problems in the first place, is beyond me. Must be lazy parents who instead of handling it found it easier at the time to let them crawl into their bed. Never had any of my 3 kids in my bed with me.....ever.
Reply
10-31-2010 @ 4:57PM
Mary Wood said...A friend of mine solved an identical problem by buying "Baby #1" with a new bed and she "advertised" the coming of the new bed in a big way. Every day she talked about this new bed that was going to be just for Baby #1. Baby #1 bought into the advertisement completely and when it arrived they could barely get it set up before she was in it. None the less, my friend continued to play up the new bed. If guests came to the house, the new bed was proudly shown. Baby #1 swelled with pride at the comments of the guests! When Baby #2 arrived the sleeping problem with Baby #1 was a thing of the past.
Reply
10-31-2010 @ 5:37PM
Ann said...If you always let your baby sleep in his crib you'll never have a problem with your toddler not wanting to sleep in his own bed/room. However, this can be a challenge if you're breastfeeding because it is easier to keep the baby in bed with you. A compromise could be pushing the crib next to your bed so that you can always put the baby into it after the feeding. This also eliminates the danger of accidentally suffocating the baby with pillows and blankets. When your baby doesn't wake up anymore at night you can put the crib back in the nursery.
Concerning the toddler's transition to his own room, I slightly disagree with Advice Mama on not moving him before the baby's birth. If they can get him to accept his new room he might just stay there without a fuss if they can stick to a pleasant bedtime routine. Also, a bit of toddler psychology is in order. They can make the new bed/room more exciting by saying that only "big kids" can sleep in this bedroom, babies have to sleep with mom and dad. If they make it sound like a treat he'll WANT to sleep there.
Reply
10-31-2010 @ 6:37PM
rdog said...the kid needs an old fashion ass kicking
Reply
10-31-2010 @ 5:59PM
Jody said...The problem starts when you bring a baby into your bed for any reason - to breast feed, to comfort, whatever. Instead, bring a baby to a sofa, a guest room bed, youth bed in the same room with the crib,... but not in the parents' bed, whether Dad is home or not. As the child transitions from their crib with the side down, into a twin bed with a temporary 1/2 rail in the same room, make sure all the blankets, toys, etc from the crib are moved to the new bed. Make sure the night light that you always had on since infancy stays on. Always let the child pick out a favorite book or toy to have on their bed "in case they wake up". This is called teaching the child "self-soothing". If an occasion arises where the child needs the parent, sick or frightened, THE PARENT LIES DOWN WITH THE CHILD IN THE CHILD's BED OR ROOM UNTIL THE CHILD IS ASLEEP. The only time children are allowed in Mom & Dad's bed is to play briefly on top of the covers with the parents who are already awake - as on a weekend or vacation morning...a special privilege. This technique teaches multiple emotionally healthy lessons.
Reply
10-31-2010 @ 7:15PM
mcm said...you're right, but now I lay down in my daughters bed and end up sleeping there. Why? SHE doesn't snore, fart or bounce around on the bed like my husband does. I can get a good nights sleep.
10-31-2010 @ 5:58PM
Jody said...More than 65 children under 2 suffocate each year because a parent blocks their breathing while moving around during sleep, ...in addition to the children suffocated on pillow top mattresses & water beds.
Reply
10-31-2010 @ 8:20PM
zusia said...Years before there was ParentDish there was ParentSoup and a bunch of us moms joined an "attachment parenting" group. We breastfed our kids until they were old enough to make us breakfast and we slept with them too.
We eventually created a private loop where we posted our stories and offered each other parenting support. Our kids grew up and we drifted apart. Now, thanks to Facebook, we're back in touch, and it's pretty amazing that all of our kids have turned out really well despite our "ignorance" and "abuse." Now all teenagers, they're award winners in academics, music, and sports, and all very independent and successful.
I know my two sons benefited from that extra bonding experience that breastfeeding and co-sleeping can provide. My younger son turned out to have autism and I'm convinced that the extra time cuddling with him at night forged a bond that couldn't be created with language during the day. Now he's 15 and, like his brother, at the top of his class, plays sports, enjoys friends, well rounded.
My husband and I aren't lucky that we have two great kids-- teenagers now, who are so easy to parent. We made sacrifices early on so that we could enjoy our life together with them at this point. It's well worth it.
Reply