Hot on HuffPost Parents:
Find Out What Beyonce Will Name Baby No. 2!
Teen Who Died During Her First Solo Drive May Have Been Texting
Grandson Won't Sleep in His Own Bed!
Filed under: Behavior: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Expert Advice: Toddlers & Preschoolers
Dear AdviceMama,
My 2-and-a-half-year-old grandson still sleeps in bed with his parents. My daughter and her husband have tried to put him in his own bed, but he still winds up in theirs. We are expecting another grandchild any day now and I think this will pose a problem with the sleeping arrangements. Can you help?
Signed,
Worried Grandma
Dear Worried,
As challenging as it may be for your daughter and son-in-law to have a toddler in their bed while caring for a newborn, this isn't the time to try to enforce a major change in your grandson's sleeping habits. Even if his parents were to convince their child to sleep in his own room, once his new brother or sister arrives, there's a good chance he would revert back to climbing into mommy and daddy's familiar bed in the middle of the night as he adjusts to big changes in his little life. The last thing you want is to fuel sibling rivalry by "kicking him out" of his parents' bed just when the baby arrives, without giving him time to comfortably transition to his own room.
For most of human history, families have slept together, and in many parts of the world, they still do. While I'm not arguing for or against co-sleeping, I will say that there is plenty of evidence to suggest that children do fine when they sleep with new babies in their midst. I'll also say that your daughter's dilemma is extremely common; one of the issues I deal with most frequently in working with young families is the difficulty parents have in getting children out of their beds! It takes persistence, consistency and determination; qualities that are in short supply when parents bring home a newborn!
The people I would be most concerned about are your daughter and her husband. Given the disruption a new baby is going to bring to their nights, I wouldn't add the challenge of repeatedly walking a toddler back to his own bed in their sleep-deprived state, which is what they will have to do to train their son to sleep all night in his room.
Given the fact that your daughter is due any day, I'd suggest you offer your babysitting services so the new mom (and dad) can catch a few good naps and a bit of alone time. If your grandson is willing to spend the night with you now and again, that will be terrific. You may even offer to sleep at your daughter's house when the baby comes, inviting your grandson to have a slumber party with you in the guest room to break the routine of sleeping in Mommy's bed. In a few months, when your grandson has had time to adjust to the baby, his parents can revisit training him to sleep in his own room.
Meanwhile, congratulations on your growing family. Have fun, and enjoy this next chapter in grandparenting!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
My 2-and-a-half-year-old grandson still sleeps in bed with his parents. My daughter and her husband have tried to put him in his own bed, but he still winds up in theirs. We are expecting another grandchild any day now and I think this will pose a problem with the sleeping arrangements. Can you help?
Signed,
Worried Grandma
Dear Worried,
As challenging as it may be for your daughter and son-in-law to have a toddler in their bed while caring for a newborn, this isn't the time to try to enforce a major change in your grandson's sleeping habits. Even if his parents were to convince their child to sleep in his own room, once his new brother or sister arrives, there's a good chance he would revert back to climbing into mommy and daddy's familiar bed in the middle of the night as he adjusts to big changes in his little life. The last thing you want is to fuel sibling rivalry by "kicking him out" of his parents' bed just when the baby arrives, without giving him time to comfortably transition to his own room.
For most of human history, families have slept together, and in many parts of the world, they still do. While I'm not arguing for or against co-sleeping, I will say that there is plenty of evidence to suggest that children do fine when they sleep with new babies in their midst. I'll also say that your daughter's dilemma is extremely common; one of the issues I deal with most frequently in working with young families is the difficulty parents have in getting children out of their beds! It takes persistence, consistency and determination; qualities that are in short supply when parents bring home a newborn!
The people I would be most concerned about are your daughter and her husband. Given the disruption a new baby is going to bring to their nights, I wouldn't add the challenge of repeatedly walking a toddler back to his own bed in their sleep-deprived state, which is what they will have to do to train their son to sleep all night in his room.
Given the fact that your daughter is due any day, I'd suggest you offer your babysitting services so the new mom (and dad) can catch a few good naps and a bit of alone time. If your grandson is willing to spend the night with you now and again, that will be terrific. You may even offer to sleep at your daughter's house when the baby comes, inviting your grandson to have a slumber party with you in the guest room to break the routine of sleeping in Mommy's bed. In a few months, when your grandson has had time to adjust to the baby, his parents can revisit training him to sleep in his own room.
Meanwhile, congratulations on your growing family. Have fun, and enjoy this next chapter in grandparenting!
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Your<span>Voice</span>
Ask Us Anything About Parenting
Recently Asked
- LAW SCHOOL OR COPYCAT would'nt it be a difficult profession ( lawyer)if anyone could use your court case defense as plaintiff or defendant
- Do people ever get a civil trial this is too many dismissals with out a response from defendants
- How many hickman towns,schools,and counties are in the united states
TheTalkies:RelatedVideos
-
How to Get Your Preschooler to Sleep in Their Bed
Susan Stiffelman gives parents advice on how to get their child to sleep in their own bed.
-
Co Sleeping with Your Baby
In this episode of The Lab, Daddy Troy fills in for Daddy Brad and joins Daddy Clay to talk about a controversial parenting topic, co-sleeping. Part of the attachment parenting movement, family co sleeping happens when the baby sleeps in the bed with mom and dad. The dads interviewed an expert who explained the controversy behind it. Why are some mothers and fathers for it, and others against it?
-
Hey Ma: The Latest In Parenting Tips
Hey Ma! I'm having trouble sleeping. If your child is saying this, then it may be due to what they are watching before bed. Check out this and some other parenting tips on... Hey Ma!
-
TV Before Bed Makes It Hard for Kids to Sleep
Parents may need to turn off the tube earlier in the evening. A new study suggests kids who watch more TV before bedtime have a harder time falling asleep.
SitesWeLove
- Site Map
- |
- Staff
- |
- Terms of Service
- |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Trademarks
- |
- Advertise With Us
- |
- About Our Ads
- |
- AOL Downloads
- |
- Contact Us
- |
© Copyright 2012 AOL Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Aol Family
ReaderComments (Page 5 of 7)
11-07-2010 @ 8:35PM
gypsyarizona said...Funny, Professor, you name isn't anywhere to be found in the UCLA website or directory. You're entitled to your dumbass opinions, but making up titles to try to give them weight or posting under multiple versions of your name just shows how insecure you must be. I take it you never experienced the unconditional love of an AP parent. Or studied it in Psych. For that I'm sorry.
11-01-2010 @ 8:59AM
eschilbrack said...The comments on other countries/customs have no bearing on this question. The Australian aborigines consider a Three Dog Night to be pretty cold, and they want the warmth, So?
Generally, we want to "sleep" with another adult because of a sexual attraction; why do you want a 3-yr-old in bed with you?
I think some of these parents are teaching inappropriate attitudes: "Come jump in bed with Mommy; she's afraid of thunder, too!"
Reply
11-28-2010 @ 12:12PM
Mishelle said...um.. "generally" is right. Sexual attraction is not a factor here and it is strange you would even imply that sexual attraction has anything to do with the family bed. SICK!
11-01-2010 @ 8:59AM
Jamie said...When you allow your child to sleep in your bed regularly, and consistently you are creating a litany of complications for your child. Not least among them is serious separation issues. These are the children you find screaming and crying when they are dropped of at school. These are the kids who find it difficult to develop appropriate relationships with other people and never learn to deal with stressful situations. Sure, there are families in some cultures who sleep together, but there are also other significant cultural differences in those cultures. In many of those cultures, children don't go to school, or birthday parties, and aren't even expected to leave the home until they are married. The bottom line is, this behavior is a result of the parents' unwillingness to deal with the temporary struggle involved in setting boundaries and enforcing them. The same type of parents who rather than deal with the issue in a real way through behavioral therapy write to a web sight to ask a random stranger what they should do.
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 11:58AM
April said...My husband and I have co-slept with our daughter since the day she was born. And she is extremely independent. When she started pre-school, she was so excited and had no separation issues whatsoever. You are entitled to your opinion, of course, but you need to remember that when it comes to childrearing, there is no-one-size-fits-all. In fact, while our daughter is in our bed every night, our 18 month old son has NEVER wanted to co-sleep. He resisted from the day he was born and prefers to sleep in his room alone. My husband and I modify our parenting techniques according to the needs of our kids. They are both very happy and that is all the justification we need to continue doing things the way we are. I wish others would stop judging parents. We all draw on our own experiences and knowledge to do the best we can.
11-01-2010 @ 1:13PM
Joy said...Grandma needs to mind her own business.
Reply
11-01-2010 @ 2:05PM
avidreaderGA said...This is so wrong. This is just another example how we make our children co-dependant and then wonder why they cannot act independently when older. If children must be in your room it should be in their own bed or crib at least. Just from a safety point of view, unless you haven't noticed parents are usually quite a bit larger than small children, who can and have been smothered to death by a heavy sleeping parent.
Once past night feedings being in the parent's room should be on special occasions, like when there's "a monster under the bed". How are children going to develop their self esteem, their independence, their ability to think by themselves, if the parents are so clingy to have them in their bed? I have heard it said that parental love is the only love where they grow away from you. Children need parents to be there when they need you, not just because you want to feel all warm and fuzzy and proud of how close you are, that you let them sleep in your bed to nurture them. You are not. You are nurturing your interests not the best interests of the child.
By the way, for most of human history and in many parts of the world due to poverty many families are lucky to have one bed so maybe the custom is more of a necessity than a quaint homey custom.
Reply
11-01-2010 @ 6:35PM
BARBARA said...Right on!Iam tired of these parent who don`t want to say no.I am not my child`s friend.I am the parent.I owe them to be prepared for the world.
BG
11-01-2010 @ 4:44PM
Peggy said...I'm a grandmother now, but when my daughter was a pre-schooler, I put her down in her own bed every night, yet sometime in the wee hours, she ended up in ours on my side. Just by accident, I bought an electric blanket for her. That ended the nightly bed visits! She had apparently been seeking warmth!
Reply
11-01-2010 @ 5:38PM
Julia said...I had three kids. They slept in their own crib/bed, in their own room from the git-go. Never had a problem with any of them wanting to sleep in our bed. They were trained from the beginning that they had their bed and we had ours. End of discussion. Kids do what they are 'trained' to do. If you put the infant in your bed then the infant grows to expect to be in your bed. Their crib does not belong in the master bedroom. Their bed does not belong in the master bedroom. And they do not belong in the master bed. If you 'train' your child to sleep in your bed, then keep your mouth shut about it. Don't complain about something that YOU started.
Reply
11-23-2010 @ 7:56PM
tsp said...I agree with you Julia. My kids are grown now and I have two grandchildren. My oldest child, a daughter, started sleeping all night at two weeks old in her own bed in her own room. She never developed any sleeping problems. On the other hand, her two younger brothers slept well at first (in their own beds, of course) then developed night waking, screaming and crying, wanting out of their cribs. At first, I would pick them up to comfort them, rock them. They would fall back to sleep but as soon as we neared the crib the screaming would start even worse than before. I never brought them into our room because I knew how difficult it would be to get them back into their cribs. I talked to my pediatrician (he had 7 children himself) and he told me if I wanted the screaming to stop at night I would have to go through no more than 3 very difficult nights. He said when the crying first started wait 15-20 minutes before going in too reassure my son, make sure he had his pacifier, his diaper he held at night, but do not pick him up. I was to tell him goodnight, leave the room and shut the door. I remember sitting in the hallway outside of his room two nights in a row, crying myself.
The third night he cried for 15 minutes, then silence. He slept all night! No more night wakening.....he had learned to soothe himself back to sleep. Now I'm not saying he NEVER woke up again at night crying, but it was usually only when he was sick. I recommended this method to my daughter-in-law for my grandson who will soon turn one and had never slept through the night and always ended up in their bed. They finally tried it a month ago and now they have a baby who sleeps from 8:30 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. in his OWN bed. This method is not the easiest thing to do but looking back, not wanting co-sleeping ourselves, it was a piece of cake compared to having our kids sharing our bed, depriving themselves of a goodnight's sleep and us as well.
11-01-2010 @ 6:31PM
Louis Morrone said...Be careful with your children. They see things much differently than you do and can be traumatized for things you never thought of. Go to: www.themiracleinsidemymind.com
Reply
11-01-2010 @ 7:39PM
Ruth said...This is CRAZY! I'm a Great-Granny; none of our kids, grandkids or great-grandkids "co-slept." You start them as babies in their own bed and it's not a problem. Sleeping with parents is not good for anyone. If children need reassurance or cuddling, you give so they feel secure and want to go to bed...in their own bed. Don't start it and you will all be happier.
Reply
11-02-2010 @ 3:46AM
Liz said...Thank you Dr. Hall. My thoughts exactly.
Reply
11-03-2010 @ 2:37PM
T. Burniston said...That child should never have been allowed to sleep with the parents in the first place. How on earth did they manage to conceive another child if junior was in the sack with them anyway? No! The marriage bed is sacred. Kids should have their own beds. Period!!!
Reply
11-03-2010 @ 4:42PM
PDXLynn said...I think the those who are commenting so negatively about this issue are either 1) not parents, or 2) feel guilty for those nights listening to their child cry out for them from their own room and want to justify their decisions. They dost protest too much.
Co-sleeping has been done for centuries -- it is only here in America that we separate ourselves so much from our children. Gotta have your "me" and tv time, right? Heck they are at school all day, why spend any time with them at night? But, even if you don't agree with co-sleeping, the article deals with a special situation -- with a new baby coming, the toddler will have enough change to deal with. The transition to his own bed should have been done earlier, or should wait until he is used to having another person around (one that demands all of mom's time). My suggestion -- put a toddler bed right next to mom & dad's bed for now. Ease the transition.
Reply
11-04-2010 @ 4:06PM
lizs said...There are a lot of opinions here that are being stated as fact. I think we should all agree that there is no one correct way to raise a child or even decide whether they should sleep with you or not. There is a lot of anecdotal evidence in these comments that would seem to support that sharing a bed is not harmful. If you feel uncomfortable with it however, you certainly shouldn't do it. For what its worth, my sons slept with us, nightly til they started pre-school. Weekends if they wanted (it was their decision "do you want to sleep in Mommy's and Daddy's bed or your own?") from then on, with them being carried back to their own bed until age 9 or 10. They slowly grew out of it and were more and more comfortable sleeping alone for the room it gave them as they grew bigger. My 11 year old will still ask me to sleep with him until he falls asleep when he's sick now - the 14 year old does not miss it at all. It worked for us, but its such an individual choice, I don't see why everyone is so sure they know best.
Reply
11-10-2010 @ 6:15AM
sam hall said...m For those who've said "But there's nothing wrong with wanting to sleep with adults!", I have to ask why you want to continue sleeping with a 13-yr. old daughter. Shouldn't she be starting to think about dating boys her own age, growing more independent of the protective nest?
Reply
11-06-2010 @ 7:33PM
ZS said...My parents solved this problem by telling me that I could sleep in their room, but I would have to make a pallet at the end of their bed. As much as I liked camping out, no one wants to sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor all the time. If I was really freaked out by a dream or storm, I was able to be in the room with mom and dad, but if I was just trying to sleep in the big bed - didn't happen. Cured me of that. Same thing for my brother.
Reply
11-08-2010 @ 6:40PM
Suzy said...My 11 year old niece sleeps with her mom (dad has been booted off the sleep in the spare room!). The sad thing, aside from the screwed up family situation is that she loses out on so many opportunities. She won't go to camp, sleepovers - she even turned down a trip to Disneyland with her cousins just because she didn't want to sleep alone.
How can this be healthy for a child? And sadly mom defends it. Oh well.
Reply