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Confessions of a Childhood Bully
Filed under: Siblings, Bullying, Opinions, Relationships, Behavior, Behavior: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Behavior: Big Kids
Do bullying wounds ever heal? Illustration by Christopher Healy
I rarely dared to hurt her physically, not because she was younger and painfully thin, but because what she lacked in strength she made up for in ferociousness. When she was a toddler, I'd impulsively slap or pinch her and keep walking -- until the time I felt her teeth sink into my back. From then on, I kept my distance.
Instead, I assaulted her with words, calling her a mistake, mutant, slob, loser. I glared at her across the dinner table, or pretended she wasn't there as I talked to my parents and brothers, everyone but her. I snorted in contempt when she brought up her achievements in kindergarten, and laughed when she shared a bad day. She stayed silent as our mother gave her meaningful looks, as if to say, "Remember what we talked about." Mom repeatedly ordered me to stop being nasty and leave her alone, to no avail. I was bursting with irrational hatred.
Now I read articles about bullying and cringe. Victims I have never met reopen decades-old memories of my little sister, my scapegoat. Together, their awful helplessness weighs me down like a load of bricks; it kicks me in the gut and knocks the air out of me. I fantasize about saving just one child from a bully, as if to wipe my own slate clean.
But my sympathy also extends, guiltily, to the perpetrators. I wonder if someone is insulting and domineering those kids, too, or if they have witnessed someone they love being tormented. Will anyone even think to investigate? I imagine staging an intervention and holding a mirror to a bully's seething insides. But after he faces the awful truth, then what? I've treated the symptom, not the disease. There's no happy ending to that scenario.
I know now that when I bullied my sister, I was fighting somebody else. She was an arbitrary enemy on whom I would practice my revenge. My real target was a babysitter, an adult relative who frequently abused me verbally. Although I stood up for myself and talked back, it had no effect.
My sister reacted to my tongue lashings the way I wished my harasser would've. Her silence was my reward. After I hurt her, I would feel energized and hopeful, like I could take on any threat. But in that moment of relief, a nagging voice whispered that my sister didn't deserve such treatment any more than I did. Unable to handle the guilt, I would quickly rationalize my behavior: "My sister made me feel like this. She did deserve it."
Today, we live on opposite coasts and see each other once a year or so. I shower her young daughter with gifts. I try to talk to my sister about the past and forge a closer relationship. Once or twice she's confided in me about weathering tough times as an adult, but it's been several years since we really connected. Her poker face reveals nothing to me of her feelings or opinions. Our mother says that's just the way she is.
I hope my mother is wrong. I want to believe my sister is guarded only around me. I can't bear to think she is aloof with strangers and close friends alike, and that I helped make her that way.
My sister enjoys watching her only child play tea party with her stuffed animals. At 5, my niece is happy and self-sufficient and fearless.
My sister turned out stronger than her bully. She treats others the way she should have been treated, not the way she was treated by me. I'm proud of her. And, I am truly sorry.
Jo Parente is the ParentDish nom de plume, a pen name, used by our editorial team when we want to spill our dirty little secrets but still keep our dignity, and families, intact.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 9)
10-29-2010 @ 6:30PM
Lynn Fischer said...So silly. I don't forgive some things. I just forgetaboutit.
10-29-2010 @ 4:55PM
Cyndiejean said...This story very nearly could have been my own. All through my childhood and adolescence, I was unmercifully bullied by my brother. He was physically stronger than I, and physically, verbally, and emotionally abused me. My mother did nothing to stop it, and often told me it was my fault if I tried to stand up to him. He called me filthy names, and would talk bad about me to his friends. When I had friends over, he made them so uncomfortable, that they would leave; however, if I was aloof around his friends, he would call me an "ignorant slob." He did not attend my wedding and it was like walking on a crate of eggs around him. Twenty one years ago, I just decided that enough was enough and cut him out of my life and never looked back. He did not even attend our mother's funeral, but after her death called to ask if there was "any money left." He seemed to forget that I had the total responsibility for her care in the final four years of her life. For years, in spite of having a wonderful husband, and children, I struggled with depression and low self esteem. It took several years of therapy, and medication for me to heal. Today my brother is totally alone. He has alienated all the family that remain, and they want nothing to do with him. The sad part is that he sees himself as a victim and takes absolutely no responsibility for his part in a situation of his own making. You are right, Linda, you forgive (you must to be able to move on for your own healing) but you definitely do not forget.
11-01-2010 @ 8:47AM
Clara said...What I don't get from some of these responses is that the woman should reach out ot her sister, apologize, and the sister should accept it and they should forage a new relationship. That's only possible if BOTH parties want it. Her sister doesn't appear to want that, so leave her alone and dea with your own pain. After all, SHE has had to for years. As for the woman that would want her brother alive so that he could bully her one more time, keep comin' back! There is nothing rational about that.
10-29-2010 @ 2:50PM
sherman said...Could almost be my big brother talking...
Reply
10-29-2010 @ 3:07PM
June said...Unfortunatly these actions can not be undone. And it is carried into adulthood. Trust no one. Get close to no one. The only thing I believe is the ones who were bullied, treat others with much more kindness than was ever shown to them. If you are bullied in the home you never get over that one.
That is suppose to be your safe place. You never get past that hurt. Parents, caregivers and siblings ...that is the worst kind of bullying.
Reply
10-29-2010 @ 2:49PM
mendeztd said...Sorry to say, bullying is as natural as being nice. You seem to be persecuting yourself for something that is done and over with. It seems your parents were aware of your conduct and tolerated it. I recommend you get over it.
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10-29-2010 @ 2:56PM
pete said...you are not to blame, your parents are... if you were my daughter it will never had gone that far, that the problem with parents, they need parenting, yes you have damage your sister dearly... live with your guild
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10-29-2010 @ 4:18PM
New York said...I do not agree. She knew it was wrong immediately after she bullied & that her sister did not deserve it. The mother completely looked the other way & was an enabler in complete denial. Her little sister must have felt so alone. Home is where a child should feel safe & loved. Her sister did not. Very sad. A child who feels empowered with a sense of relief after abusing someone is in need of counseling. I hope she has a heart to heart talk with her sister & tells her how much she regrets the terrible way she treated her while growing up. You can't change the past but the future can be better. Good luck & God Bless.
10-29-2010 @ 2:59PM
Val said...The older sister blew it. There is no way to make up for a childhood of verbal torture. However I also blame the mother. If she couldn't figure out the older sister was in need of psychiatric care, she was an enabler. All the comfort the mother tried to give the younger sister was for naught if the older one was a repeat offender.
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10-29-2010 @ 3:10PM
Cheryl said...Sorry, I understand your feelings of regret and shame and wanting to apologize to your sister. However, I don't feel that someone else makes a bully. Some children who ARE bullies, come from the best of homes and are disciplined. They chose to be a bully because of their nature. I grew up an only child and saw several boys in my neighborhood who were natural bullies. Because I was a little girl and had no sisters or brothers, they were sometimes mean to me thinking they were asserting their "authority". It didn't scar me as an adult - I didn't shy away from people and become intorverted. It made me realize what a bully is, just a mean, selfish kid who likes to make another kid scared. That's about what bullies do. I think to believe that we're products of our environment is stupid. We make our own choices in life as we grow. I realize as children, many choices are made for us, but in most cases, we become stronger adults when we've had to deal with bullies.
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10-29-2010 @ 4:36PM
Peggy said...You were an only child. You left the neighborhood bullies in time for dinner. You were then in your own home, where the bullies were not. Big difference between your experience and the writer's.
10-29-2010 @ 4:30PM
New York said...It depends on the level of bullying. Some bullies present a danger to others & need psychiatric help. At any rate bullying must be stopped. Children should be able to feel safe at school & especially at home. Parents teach your children , teachers be on the lookout & DO get involved. It is our responsibility to our children to make sure they are safe. Do your jobs as adults to make it so.
10-29-2010 @ 3:13PM
Silent said...This story could be my own with some exceptions. I am 5 years younger than my sister and I am not the bully. I was bullied by my sister for as long as I can remember. Even now we do not speak because of the hate she harbors for me. We are adults now and I have children and she does not. It has given her one more thing to fuel her hate. Both parents and siblings share with me the hateful things that she will say about me. They'll show me the facebook posts she has about me (i'm not on any social network site to know). It doesn't matter anyways because family dinners and parties usually include some kind of verbal torment from her. I know she has many issues and I do feel badly for her but when my husband and I noticed her start the same bullying with my oldest daughter when she was just 4 we cut her out of our lives. Some people will never change. I'm glad that the writer of this story came to her senses and I hope that her sister finds a way to show she forgives but if she doesn't I really can't blame her too much.
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10-29-2010 @ 3:29PM
Stephanie said...I used to be bullied by this girl at school when I was 11 or 12. She used to call me names and made me feel horrible about myself and she used to tell me how ugly I was. I then bumped into her at a nightclub about 8 years later.By then, I had grown out of my ugly stage, had landed the most gorgeous guy in town as my boyfriend (now my hubby of 15 years) and I was preparing for law school. She, on the other hand, was a stripper, fat, and a lesbian (hey, I have no problem with lesbians, but it explains perhaps the bullying, i.e. she was butch!). So, don't get mad, GET EVEN!!! That was a great feeling that night knowing how she turned out and how I turned out!
10-29-2010 @ 3:14PM
Barb said...It is a parent's job to help a child learn how to deal with someone who is bullying them. Give them the skills they need to survive in this world. Tell them how much you love them and give them strategies that will help them to cope in a non violent way. It is all right for a child to learn that not everyone will love them the way they are loved by their families. You give too much power to the so-called bullies when you make such a big deal out of it.
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10-29-2010 @ 7:37PM
clara said...Yes, but the bullies shouldn't be your own sibling. Sorry. We weren't permited to behave that way.
10-29-2010 @ 3:17PM
Barb said...Why in the world would your parents and siblings share hateful comments with you. They should address it with your sister and leave you out of it. Some things are better not known.
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10-29-2010 @ 3:19PM
Kat said...Shame on the parents for not protecting the younger child. By letting the older one get away with bullying, they condoned the practice. All the apologizing in the world won't make the hurt go away. Im sure the younger sister is glad to be a "world away" from her older sibling. The older one will have to live with the guilt forever. Shame on her and shame on the parents for not solving the problems before it became a life long item.
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10-29-2010 @ 3:35PM
ceardai said...How many people are going to read this and see the little sister as the only victim in this? Kids do things for reasons they don't understand and can't rationalize. My mother doesn't like little girls... for whatever reason, she treated me horribly while she constantly praised my younger brothers and kept saying "why can't you be more like them?" I got A's, they meant nothing. I won awards at school, nothing. My mother hugged my brothers, but no me. It took me well into my adulthood - and lots of therapy - to realize this was why I would hurt my brothers just about every chance I got. Now I see my mom doing the same exact thing with my niece and nephew and I see my niece reaction. Now I call my mother out on it... but, that doesn't help. I try to compliment my niece as much as possible to make up for it, so she doesn't do what I did, and take it out on her brother.
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10-29-2010 @ 4:16PM
millie said...Perhaps you could take your niece aside and tell her of your experience as a child. Tell her that the problem lies with your mother and NOT her. Please do this before your mother says something that hurts enough to stick in her heart forever! My father used to tell me I wasn't worth the powder to blow me to hell. Sometimes unkind words can NEVER be forgotten!