Confessions of a Childhood Bully

by Jo Parente (Subscribe to Jo Parente's posts)
Oct 26th 2010 2:00PM

Filed under: Siblings, Bullying, Opinions, Relationships, Behavior, Behavior: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Behavior: Big Kids

Do bullying wounds ever heal? Illustration by Christopher Healy

My sister was three years younger than me and small for her age. She had a pixie haircut and a dark complexion that set her apart from the rest of our fair-skinned family. Strangers often mistook her for a boy or a foreign-born adoptee.

I rarely dared to hurt her physically, not because she was younger and painfully thin, but because what she lacked in strength she made up for in ferociousness. When she was a toddler, I'd impulsively slap or pinch her and keep walking -- until the time I felt her teeth sink into my back. From then on, I kept my distance.

Instead, I assaulted her with words, calling her a mistake, mutant, slob, loser. I glared at her across the dinner table, or pretended she wasn't there as I talked to my parents and brothers, everyone but her. I snorted in contempt when she brought up her achievements in kindergarten, and laughed when she shared a bad day. She stayed silent as our mother gave her meaningful looks, as if to say, "Remember what we talked about." Mom repeatedly ordered me to stop being nasty and leave her alone, to no avail. I was bursting with irrational hatred.

Now I read articles about bullying and cringe. Victims I have never met reopen decades-old memories of my little sister, my scapegoat. Together, their awful helplessness weighs me down like a load of bricks; it kicks me in the gut and knocks the air out of me. I fantasize about saving just one child from a bully, as if to wipe my own slate clean.

But my sympathy also extends, guiltily, to the perpetrators. I wonder if someone is insulting and domineering those kids, too, or if they have witnessed someone they love being tormented. Will anyone even think to investigate? I imagine staging an intervention and holding a mirror to a bully's seething insides. But after he faces the awful truth, then what? I've treated the symptom, not the disease. There's no happy ending to that scenario.

I know now that when I bullied my sister, I was fighting somebody else. She was an arbitrary enemy on whom I would practice my revenge. My real target was a babysitter, an adult relative who frequently abused me verbally. Although I stood up for myself and talked back, it had no effect.

My sister reacted to my tongue lashings the way I wished my harasser would've. Her silence was my reward. After I hurt her, I would feel energized and hopeful, like I could take on any threat. But in that moment of relief, a nagging voice whispered that my sister didn't deserve such treatment any more than I did. Unable to handle the guilt, I would quickly rationalize my behavior: "My sister made me feel like this. She did deserve it."

Today, we live on opposite coasts and see each other once a year or so. I shower her young daughter with gifts. I try to talk to my sister about the past and forge a closer relationship. Once or twice she's confided in me about weathering tough times as an adult, but it's been several years since we really connected. Her poker face reveals nothing to me of her feelings or opinions. Our mother says that's just the way she is.

I hope my mother is wrong. I want to believe my sister is guarded only around me. I can't bear to think she is aloof with strangers and close friends alike, and that I helped make her that way.

My sister enjoys watching her only child play tea party with her stuffed animals. At 5, my niece is happy and self-sufficient and fearless.

My sister turned out stronger than her bully. She treats others the way she should have been treated, not the way she was treated by me. I'm proud of her. And, I am truly sorry.

Jo Parente is the ParentDish nom de plume, a pen name, used by our editorial team when we want to spill our dirty little secrets but still keep our dignity, and families, intact.

ReaderComments (Page 4 of 9)

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10-29-2010 @ 6:10PM

Diaa said...

Boy, your mother really blew it. I wonder if she was a victim, too. Or just afraid to stand up to him and back you up.

Don't doubt yourself anymore. Your story rings true for many of us.

10-29-2010 @ 4:00PM

Nancy Q. said...

I have a brother who treated me like that....As a child, he destroyed my toys when somone told me how nice I kept them, and when I was in High School, he didn't like it when a teacher gave me a history text book , as we were getting new ones in class. Result: He tore up the book she gave me. To this day, he treats me like a lesser being, and he married a woman who is just as nasty as himself!!! Something seriously wrong with "bully" types!!!

10-29-2010 @ 4:38PM

Rosemary said...

My older brother was a verbally and physically abusive bully to my younger brother and me. We dreaded when our parents went out, we would actually beg them not to leave us with him. We usually ended up in a closet after he beat us or locked away in our rooms so he could not get at us. After that in High School I found myself being a bully especially to boys, but I always defended the weaker ones whether they were male or female. By my Junior year I new it was totally wrong bullying anyone and to this day I will even intervene when I see someone being picked on. Too bad, now he is the only one in our family that is not comfortable around us!

10-29-2010 @ 4:08PM

Jos said...

Just let your mean old childhood self go and learn from it .Your sister does not need your guilty self weirding out her daughter so you can feel better.Treat her with the respect you would afford a stranger,

10-29-2010 @ 4:10PM

Vc said...

Creepy. Thru and thru. He got an emotional high off his nasty treatment, worse, of someone so close to him. Once a bully, always a bully. He still sounds like a sadist. Sorry.

Geeze said...

With kids more is "caught" than "taught"!! They certainly weren't born that way!!

millie said...

Dr Phil says it takes a thousand "attagirls" to make up for certain unkind remarks. I'm here to tell you that sometimes all the kind words in the world can NEVER make up for some hurts! My father used to bully me. He would tell me I wasn't worth the powder to blow me to hell. There's not much of anything that can make up for that!

10-29-2010 @ 4:12PM

carolm said...

When I wa 11 years old I was bullied by 2 boys a year older. I attended a junior highschool. I was playing on the swings and these 2 boys came up to me and pushed me to the ground, held me down and proceeded to smear dog feces all over my face and arms. They hit me and pushed me into the playground sand. An plder teenager tried to help me but I thought he was going to harm me too. I started throwing sand at all these boys and ran off, got on my bicycle and pedaled as fast as I could to get home. My mother saw mw and threw me in the car and drove back to the playground to find these 2 young hoodlums walking down an alley. I mother yelled at them, they started running, jumped the fence and went inside. Mom drove to the street side. The mother that answereds the door swore they wouldn't do that and it wasn't their son. Nothing else we could do. Went home, cleaned up and my mom proceeded to tell my brother, who was in 8th grade what happened. He told me to point them out the next day at school. I did. The following day my brother walked right into the classroom where one of the boy's was in attendance and knocked him out. My brother was expelled for 3 days for bad behavior. I am 62 years old now and I can still remember that playground where I was bullied. Victims may forgive but will never NEVER forget!!

10-29-2010 @ 5:29PM

Therese said...

Dear Jo,

You should apologize to your sister face to face. Where were your parents when all this was going on? Parents need to get more involved. I was bullied as a child in school and the school did nothing and my parents didn't speak the language and didn't know what to do. The bullying lasted a year and I can't forget and can't forgive. I have have tried to forgive and forget but it's near impossible. I survived by switching schools, thanks to my father who didn't know what else to do.

Now, I don't allow anyone to push me around and I stand up to anyone I see being unfair to others. maybe it's made me part of who I am today, a survivor.

T

10-29-2010 @ 7:44PM

Dear Jo ... I completely agree with Therese!

You were a coward when you bullied your sister. And you are being a coward once again by not apologizing face to face! If you truly mean what you say, then walk your cowardly butt to her door, say what you have to say IN PERSON, and hope that she will accept your apology. But don't be surprised if she doesn't!

Regardless if she accepts your apology or not, you need to do the right thing and do in in the right way!!

10-29-2010 @ 4:33PM

bijo789 said...

My oldest sister bullied every girl in the family younger than her. She is now in her 50's and still tries when she can. I am in my 40's and will have nothing to do with her. She was evil to me when I was growing up, and even was able to enlist another sister to gang up on me. The attacks were physical and mental, she was always trying to break me, in some areas she was successful. I grew up being called a slut and a whore before I even knew what the words meant. I have no pictures of my childhood, they were all destroyed. I can go on. Bullying scars. If she does not forgive you, sorry. My heart goes out to her. As for you, I'm glad you stopped. If you really mean what you say, in a LONG time she might let you in.

My sister doesn't want to be forgiven so the point is moot in my case. I have made it a goal in life to do opposite of what she did. My life is full of wonderful people who love me. I must have been a smart kid after all.

10-29-2010 @ 4:17PM

Teacher said...

I wish we as teachers would be allowed to do more about bullying. The system has tied our hands so tightly that it is extremly hard to be a teacher nowdays and have the order and respect that is needed not just for the teachers but also for the children with each other.

10-29-2010 @ 6:09PM

From your mouth, to God's ear.

MANY of us are hoping and praying for the same thing

10-30-2010 @ 9:55AM

Larry said...

Your hands aren't tied; you just can't be bothered. Teachers are no longer allowed to send kids to the principal's office and over and over and over until the principal gets tired of seeing them? And if the principal says "Stop," don't. If she refuses to do anything, report her to the school board, and if they refuse to do anything, complain to the mayor and write a letter to the newspaper saying you have done so. "O! but that would be too much like WORK!"

10-29-2010 @ 4:23PM

Sandra Bohannan said...

My heart breaks for the both of you. I was bullied in grade school so bad that I had to leave 15 minutes early every day to get away from school before the other kids got out. I didn't dare take the bus so I walked home alone taking alleys so as to not be seen. Yes it was hard, but I'd like to think the good that came from that was that I never treated anyone that way because I knew how it felt. As I got older, those experiences also taught me to befriend or help those I saw enduring the same crap I had to. Allthough I to this day have self esteem problems, there are good things that come from all bad things that happen. I pray that you both can grow from this. I have a sister too who's older than me. She was always the pretty populuar one and I was this skinny thing with glasses and the hand me down clothes. She didn't bully my nor was she mean except when I deserved it, but the resentment was still there for she was mom's perfect daughter. However, today we are very close. She actually lives in the house right next door to me which is cool. My husband and mom who has lived with us for 15 years now enjoy having her so close. You may not realize it, but you have grown tremendously, and have learned a valuable albeit painfull lesson. You have realized what you did was wrong and are now a better person for it. Maybe your sister has also grown to realize those bad memories have helped her to be a stronger person. Sounds like she's a great mom and that she will not allow her daughter to be bullied in the future. This she learned from her bad experiences. I hope you realize one day that guilt helps no one. What's the point of it? In your case, you realize the pain you caused her and are profoundly sorry for it. Actually, you are broken hearted about it and that speaks volumns about the person you have become. Time to cut yourself a break. You don't deserve to make yourself feel bad as a form of atonement, as long as you continue to try to reach out to your sister. Don't be afraid to make a bold move to get all this out in the open between you. I'm sure you're scared that maybe the dam will burst and you'll hear more painfull memories, but how's living with this guilt working out for you? Seems like facing it head on with your sister and finally having resolution for both of you is better than aimless wandering guilt. I suspect your siter has grown as much as you have and you could both put this behind you and start to recoup some of the time and memories of sisterhood that you have lost.

I wish you all the best and hope that you two will one day get past this.

I also wish that if you do get past this, that I would one day somehow find that out as I know I will think of you and your situation for years to come wondering about the outcome.

May God Bless you both.

10-29-2010 @ 6:18PM

bettay said...

I was bullied far more by my siblings than I was at school. My father used to say "we wouldn't pick on you if we didn't like you." Diff mentality growing up in the 60s & 70s.

11-08-2010 @ 4:44PM

Elaine said...

Growing up as the youngest of 13 , you bet i was picked on or bullied , or whatever the hell you want to call it. You know what? We all grew up and (out of the behaviour of victim/bully) are fine...people need to get a grip nowadays..sigh. When your a kid you do and say stupid/mean/hurtful stuff and if you say you didn't? your lying to yourself. People need to learn how to let go of past hurts and move on.

dj said...

My sister is 4 years older than me, and my first memory of her is her trying to push me down the stairs. I was 4 she was 8. She is much taller than I and more intimidating, but I have always been the "smart" one. She's very intelligent. But I can read a book faster and understand math better. It is really hard to try and be friends. At one point our arguing made my grandma stop babysitting us. I used to hate her. I was so tired of being looked down upon. Like I was the little snob. Jo, it is good of you to want to apologize to your sister. And you are not alone. My sister has really tried. But there will always be that block between us. Give her time though. Maybe she will come around.

10-29-2010 @ 4:25PM

ttbsdmmg said...

I had a similar story where when we were younger, I bullied my brother. I don't really remember how he reacted to it, but I know it hurt him. As I got older, I did realize how mean and stupid I was. I was hurt that I had hurt him, and hate myself for behaving so horribly. Why did I do it? I don't know. I could make excuses and say that I was hurting as well, but I don't accept that. There was no excuse for me to be so mean to him, and I will never really forgive myself. Luckily, my brother has forgiven me. I wrote him a long, heart-felt letter explaining how I realized my bad behavior towards him was wrong and asked if he would forgive me. He has and today we are very close. I love him very much and he is a great man. Bullying towards anyone is wrong, but it seems worse if it is a family member. The world is gonna 'beat you up' enough where strangers could care less about your feelings, but family is a place you should be able to go for love, comfort, and peace. I'm so sorry I could not give that to my brother then, but I am glad he allows me to give him those things now, even though I probably don't deserve it.

10-31-2010 @ 6:09PM

Richard said...

Dear "Jo Parente," your slate will never be wiped clean. Reading your self-serving "apology" is infuriating to someone like me, whose self esteem was damaged by people like you. Sorry simply doesn't cut it. To wipe your slate clean you would have to go back in time and behave differently, but you can't do that, can you. Just as your sister can't go back in time and start anew with a life in which her self esteem is allowed to grow in a healthy way.

When you steal someone's self esteem you do many terrible things that affect more than just the person unfortunate enough to have someone like you in their world. You steal countless joys they may have been able to experience through life if that world was not seen through a filter of isolation, negativity, distrust and hopelessness that you drilled into them when they were at the stage when their personality and worldview were being formed.

Additionally, you have robbed every person your sister has interacted with of their chance to know her in a more positive, rewarding way. The shadow of your actions has darkened more than you can imagine. You owe those people an apology too.

You do NOT owe an apology to her psychiatrist or psychologist--in fact, if she has seen a professional who can help her flush her mind of the sewage you filled it with, more power to her. Please consider sometime being a fly on the wall of a psychology session in which someone like her is talking about someone like you and the lasting, negative impact you have had. Bullies generally being cowards in disguise, you probably wouldn't be able to take it.

Of course, if the person you are now is anything like the person you were then, you would simply squash the fly and blame it for being in your hand's way. But apparently, hopefully, you are no longer that person. You can hope for forgiveness, but you should be aware that your bad behavior has hit your sister's life like a stone in water, rippling in many directions.

It's too late to give your sister back the many opportunities for joy that you robbed her of, but maybe you can help others by continuing to raise awareness of bullying. People love to say it’s just part of human nature, but people used to say the same thing about many other loathsome aspects of human behavior that only ceased when enough individuals stopped tolerating them. But please, do it for the current and potential victims of bullying, not just to make yourself feel better. You karma is in enough trouble already.

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