Jaimie Etkin: The Devil Wore Manolos
Confessions of a Childhood Bully
Filed under: Siblings, Bullying, Opinions, Relationships, Behavior, Behavior: Toddlers & Preschoolers, Behavior: Big Kids
Do bullying wounds ever heal? Illustration by Christopher Healy
I rarely dared to hurt her physically, not because she was younger and painfully thin, but because what she lacked in strength she made up for in ferociousness. When she was a toddler, I'd impulsively slap or pinch her and keep walking -- until the time I felt her teeth sink into my back. From then on, I kept my distance.
Instead, I assaulted her with words, calling her a mistake, mutant, slob, loser. I glared at her across the dinner table, or pretended she wasn't there as I talked to my parents and brothers, everyone but her. I snorted in contempt when she brought up her achievements in kindergarten, and laughed when she shared a bad day. She stayed silent as our mother gave her meaningful looks, as if to say, "Remember what we talked about." Mom repeatedly ordered me to stop being nasty and leave her alone, to no avail. I was bursting with irrational hatred.
Now I read articles about bullying and cringe. Victims I have never met reopen decades-old memories of my little sister, my scapegoat. Together, their awful helplessness weighs me down like a load of bricks; it kicks me in the gut and knocks the air out of me. I fantasize about saving just one child from a bully, as if to wipe my own slate clean.
But my sympathy also extends, guiltily, to the perpetrators. I wonder if someone is insulting and domineering those kids, too, or if they have witnessed someone they love being tormented. Will anyone even think to investigate? I imagine staging an intervention and holding a mirror to a bully's seething insides. But after he faces the awful truth, then what? I've treated the symptom, not the disease. There's no happy ending to that scenario.
I know now that when I bullied my sister, I was fighting somebody else. She was an arbitrary enemy on whom I would practice my revenge. My real target was a babysitter, an adult relative who frequently abused me verbally. Although I stood up for myself and talked back, it had no effect.
My sister reacted to my tongue lashings the way I wished my harasser would've. Her silence was my reward. After I hurt her, I would feel energized and hopeful, like I could take on any threat. But in that moment of relief, a nagging voice whispered that my sister didn't deserve such treatment any more than I did. Unable to handle the guilt, I would quickly rationalize my behavior: "My sister made me feel like this. She did deserve it."
Today, we live on opposite coasts and see each other once a year or so. I shower her young daughter with gifts. I try to talk to my sister about the past and forge a closer relationship. Once or twice she's confided in me about weathering tough times as an adult, but it's been several years since we really connected. Her poker face reveals nothing to me of her feelings or opinions. Our mother says that's just the way she is.
I hope my mother is wrong. I want to believe my sister is guarded only around me. I can't bear to think she is aloof with strangers and close friends alike, and that I helped make her that way.
My sister enjoys watching her only child play tea party with her stuffed animals. At 5, my niece is happy and self-sufficient and fearless.
My sister turned out stronger than her bully. She treats others the way she should have been treated, not the way she was treated by me. I'm proud of her. And, I am truly sorry.
Jo Parente is the ParentDish nom de plume, a pen name, used by our editorial team when we want to spill our dirty little secrets but still keep our dignity, and families, intact.
TheTalkies:RelatedVideos
-
Katie Couric Reveals Family Bully Victim
Katie Couric joined other celebrities last night for a screening of the new documentary Bully and disclosed that a member of her own family was subjected to severe bullying. "I know my sister was bullied when she was younger and it was really, really upsetting to our whole family," Couric told ET while attending a special Bully screening -- hosted by Academy Award winner Meryl Streep -- at the Paley Center for Media in New York. Stars Rally to Support Bully
-
Sisters, Friend Take Stand Against Bullying in Falmouth, Maine
An anti-bullying curriculum is in the works, created by two Maine sisters, educators and authors.
-
PETA: We Wish Khloe Kardashian Had More Influence Over Her Sister
After Kim Kardashian got floured by a PETA supporter, her sister Khloe publicly cut ties with the organization. But Peta isn't devastated over her decision.
Khloe stepped back from publicly allying herself with PETA, but even if she's not going to work with the animal rights organization again, she still will not wear fur. And let's face it- that's really all PETA wants people to do. Even if they are known for bullying celebs.
They told E! News "We appreciate that Khloé will remain on the anima
-
What to Do If Your Child Is Bullying Kids
Susan Stiffelman explains to parents what they should do if they find out that their child is a bully.
SitesWeLove
- Site Map
- |
- Staff
- |
- Terms of Service
- |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Trademarks
- |
- Advertise With Us
- |
- About Our Ads
- |
- AOL Downloads
- |
- Contact Us
- |
© Copyright 2012 AOL Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Aol Family
ReaderComments (Page 7 of 9)
10-29-2010 @ 6:00PM
Lily Mai said...im sorry but as a 18 year old sometimes it's not the older siblings bullying you i have 3 youngers sisters who constantly degrades me everyday and i cant take it and when i tried to stick up for myself they take it as nothing an ignores me and being the oldest to them means nothing they like to take control of my power n step all over me and i cant help but being respectful n nice...
it hurts me a lot they do this things to me and can't even do anything about it and my mom doesnt even help and they hate me for no reasons and bullyings my 14 month old n i yell at them to STOP IT
as their nephew n a toddler he has done nothing wrong to them
just plain cruel mean to adults too....
Reply
10-29-2010 @ 6:29PM
Darla said...When my two sons were young, I witnessed my older son who was 3 years older than the other, bully his brother quite a bit. It was sad because the younger son adored the older one until they were teens and the older one punched his brother in the face and chipped his tooth. Pete was an angry boy. It took us years to find out he was molested when he was a child and he was also bullied in school by bigger boys. The two sons are no longer friends. There is probably a reason that one bullies the other. Jealousy, perhaps the parents favor one over the other, low self esteem, improper diet, whatever. While growing up I was bullied for a while by my siblings (3) as I was a gentle spirit, but one of my best friends taught me how to defend myself and I was able to turn things around. Now as an adult, believe it or not, I have been bullied by a person who does not like me whom I don't even know. They are doing psychological bullying and doing things I cannot prove nor defend myself on. They are stalking me and calling places where I go to eat and screwing up my orders, calling places I go for a job and saying bad things so I don't get the job, and even hacking my computer and writing to people on my email lists and saying lies and bad things about me. I went to the police and they needed physical proof. I have belief this person has money and power and has an "in" many places and this has been going on a while. Nobody believes this is happening to me, and it was so devastating I almost committed suicide once and had a breakdown. How would one handle this type of psychological bullying and I wonder how common it is?
Reply
10-29-2010 @ 6:22PM
CC said...Why are you telling us you're sorry? Because it makes YOU feel better? So you could sleep easier at night after knowing how you've tormented your sister during her innocent childhood? Maybe because it's a current issue in the news lately and you want to pull in more readers...whatever your mundane reason. Don't waste you're "sorry's" on me. Go tell it to your sister. She is the one who shall carry your cruelness with her all the days of her life. She is the one who had no one to turn to, no adult to come to her rescue and ultimately, no voice. She is the ONLY one who needs to hear any "Sorry" uttered from your mouth (or keyboard.) I have led the mirrored life of your sister. I have no sympathy for you.
Reply
10-29-2010 @ 6:12PM
jan1107 said...I'm not sure if I was a bully, I think that I wasn't except for a period where I wanted to be friends with this one girl and she had another friend who didn't want to share her friendship and they'd be walking home together and I'd follow them a short way and mimic everything. That didn't last long, however, when I think about it now I feel awful to think that I could have been that way. On a whole I am always out to help people and my heart spills over with pain when I see someone being bullied. At work now, something happened where someone took my job and I won't talk to her at all and I'm to the point where I am being a bit unkind to her and I have to say that it plays on my mind,,, however, I can still feel the pain of her having underhandedly taken my position. Does this make me a bully yet? I shudder to think so and I'm sorry!
Reply
10-30-2010 @ 9:57AM
Larry said...Some one TOOK your job? Did you leave it on a counter? I imagine your employer GAVE it to her. Why?
10-29-2010 @ 6:13PM
Ev said...What a jerk!
Reply
10-29-2010 @ 6:26PM
Ledbelly said...Ms. Jo Parente you need to proclaim your position to your sister and mend those emotional fences. Fix things before it too late. I had a similar situation with a first cousin. All he ever wanted was to be accepted into my inner sanctum of friends. I all way belittled him, to amuse myself and my friends. He died a few years later in a motorcycle accident.
As I and family members, went to view his remains at the local funeral parlor. I was overcome with pure emotions. Watching him in his casket only reminded me of how mean I as to him, and for no real reason. As the funeral was coming to a close and his burial scheduled for the next day. I leaned close to his ear and said a few words asking him to forgive me and ending with the words “I Loved You.” It’s a shame that I didn’t say these words to him while he was alive to hear them.
Reply
10-29-2010 @ 6:25PM
Diaa said...Don't you just love this board today?
It's so helpful to read the stories of others who have been through the same things.
Younger sisters who were beaten up by their older brothers will NEVER trust them and they will never have a close relationship.
Once a bully, always a bully. Be glad you survived and grateful that adults get to pick their own friends.
Reply
10-30-2010 @ 1:35PM
hteb said...My story is a little different. I was third in line in my family and my mother and father were quite contented with their two little girls and then I came along with a personality (Type A) which they both detested. I was NEVER spoke to. I was give list of things to do and never instructed in female matters. My fathers favorite name for me was "Worthless SOB" My mother just sat and cried and never defended me nor counseled me.
Reply
10-29-2010 @ 6:34PM
Darla said...Well said CC! I think when the bully can come to terms with the fact that they are or were the bully (some have no clue), they definately need to apologize and then some. The effects of bullying are devastating and often very damaging if it continues for long periods of time. I am long due many apologizes from bullies and if I have ever bullied anyone that I am not aware of, I am truly sorry! Tell me please.
Reply
10-29-2010 @ 6:51PM
Kim said...Upon reading this article. I thought "I don't like this person at all".
The statement was made that she had guilt after she did it, but continued to bully her sister. I was bullied by my brother--he used to beat me u,p as well as, call me terrible names--the point is, he didn't care or he wouldn't have done it. I often wonder, even now, why my parents allowed him to double up his fist and slug me the way he did...and kick me....and be so hateful toward me. I was also bullied by several people I went to high school with. I understand about kids and what they do--but I don't WANT to know any of them today. What they did left a mark on me--I do have people in my life that are wonderful and dear friends. My brother died 3 years ago. I saw him before he died but he never ever once apologized for the things he did while we were growing up.
I think that someone who is so horrible to another human being--even as children or teens--it speaks volumes about what their heart is like inside--all the guilt felt years later is no balm to the person they ABUSED. Because bullying IS ABUSE. I don't like this person who wrote this article. HE/SHE is pathetic.
Reply
10-29-2010 @ 7:04PM
JED said...Do you know why Witches don't wear underpants?
Have to get a grip on the Broom.
Reply
10-29-2010 @ 7:12PM
Barbara said...You are still bullying her to this day. Why dont you just leave her alone once and for all. Let her come to you if she needs you. Tell her you are sorry and that you love her and once and for all stop judging her.
Reply
10-29-2010 @ 7:12PM
San Fernando Curt said..."I wonder if someone is insulting and domineering those kids, too, or if they have witnessed someone they love being tormented. Will anyone even think to investigate?"
Did someone investigate what made you bully your sister? Did they probe into your family background... perhaps, your parents? Sometimes people do bad things because the bad things are in them. There are no outside agents, no evil villains or extenuating circumstances. You're a bully, deep down. You know that now. This isn't a dark side pulled out of you by circumstance, by stress in your own life. It's important we know and recognize our ugliness, and accept it as our own - not blame someone else or society for instilling it in us. And your sister is under no obligation to forgive you. Forgiveness is a choice. Yes, you helped forge her approach to the outside world, but you didn't alter her personality. She sounds like a wonderful person. In the final analysis, bullies can't touch them.
You still bully. Don't you? Be honest. Change that.
Reply
10-29-2010 @ 7:11PM
Flowers said...as a teenager I was verbally abused by kids in the area in which I lived. I was very active in sports and as a female called names I had to look up in the dictionary. I cried myself to sleep many times trying to figure out why kids were so hurtful. It was the two brothers living next door to us in Military housing. I lived with their abuse for 2 years during 8th and 9th grade. Awful awful. Thought about suicide but was fortunate to have my father change duty stations.
Perhaps the boys...........
Reply
10-29-2010 @ 7:09PM
millie said...My God! Would you just LOOK at all the sad stories of how many of us were bullied!
I think there should be a program implemented in EVERY school across the country where kids are taught that bullying WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. Not only that, but the program should inspire kids to stand up for each other! Bullies are cowards! They thrive on intimidation, and need the support of their "friends" to feel strong.
The kids who are being picked on should be taught by this program how to handle these situations. They need to be impowered to stand together in each other's behalf and be strong! They need to know that their school will support them with a No-Tolerance Policy against bullying.
Reply
10-30-2010 @ 6:52PM
JJ said...When I was growing up in the 50's and early 60's, our school (which
happened to be in the midst of not one but FOUR housing projects) had a
program in place called "Manners & Morals". Once a week for an hour
teachers taught classes that it was wrong to lie, cheat, steal, bully,
etc. They showed kids examples of how to handle situations without
resorting to bullying or fighting, or even name-calling. (The kids who
wanted to attend the same program at a church were let off early so
they could go. So God or no, kids got taught right from wrong). And at
our school if the teachers saw, or heard, any thing like that going on
they would grab the kids collar and march him to the principal's
office. Then the principal would call the parents to come get him and
he would be expelled for a day or two.
But in the late 60's, things went down the toilet. Teachers, faced
with having to discipline kids said "I am not paid to teach kids how
to behave, I am not a policeman. I am paid to just teach."
Well.......there you go, most teachers up and quit even trying to
discipline classes. I never agreed with them then, and still don't.
Teachers MUST know how to keep the peace in their classroom. They MUST
call bullies up short when they see them bulliying other kids. people
wonder how things like Columbine can happen. They happen because
teachers looked the other way when bullying, or ganging up on, or
groups of kids ostrasizing others, or anything like that happens. The
shoooters were not monsters. They were kids in pain. Some kids in pain
turn it inwards and commit suicide. Others turn their pain outwards
and shoot up the school. Teachers who ask "What turned them into
monsters?" should be told this "Anytime you watched them get bullied,
or ostricized, or made fun of.......teacher....you had a hand in this.
NO kid is born a "monster". Each young child is like a puppy, full of
trust and promise. But if you kick that puppy again and again,
for years, eventually it will learn to hate, and it will learn to bite in an
effort to show you it's pain.
I am sorry for going on and on. You are right Millie, schools have to
do something about all of this. But primarily we have to hold teachers
responsible for policing their classrooms and keeping order. Otherwise
they are just reinforcing the behavior.
10-29-2010 @ 7:19PM
JTAS said...I believe bullies are bullied by a parent a sibling or someone they come in contact with often.It's sad but how do you stop it.The bullie has been bullied himself,how do you end that vicious circle?
Reply
10-29-2010 @ 7:22PM
Jeanette Hernandez Adams said...well, my sister was a full blown bully, 8 years older than me, being so, she was a teenager when I was just a child. When I was 8 and 9 her boyfriend tried to fondle me, then they got married when I was 11 and he tried to rape me, he told me dont say a word or I will kill your sister and mother. With no one to turn to because you see I had an aunt whose husband tried to do the same thing, then my mom got re-married when I was 12 years old and my stepfather was no different trying to have sex with me. I was a very cute little girl blossoming into a gorgeous latin teenager. But, in all of this, I had a friend in school that became my boyfriend and realized what was going on, my sister was never ever nice to me, she was always a bully, turning family against me and hating me something aweful till this day, and today I am 49 years old. I just have this much to say, forgive these bullies, and God will deal with them in ways you never can and will.
Reply
10-29-2010 @ 7:26PM
Annie said...I, too, was bullied by a sibling, amoungst others. Bullied ay home, bullied at school, seemed like it went on non-stop. Fear and frustration was learned early. And even now, in my mid 50s, I struggle with the fallout. But now my fear and frustartion have turned to anger and inevitable distrust. I used to try and fight back as a child but eventually, given enough time, the bullier grew up and moved out. Still, even bullied, I also tried to be a sister, needed the familial link with my older brother, hoping for approval someday. I guess I was trying to be 'worthy'. I do know that, as an adult, I went my own way in life, tripped and fell(ALOT!) and made some horrible choices in the men I chose. Without 'male' mentoring (father absent emotionally) like an older brother, I didn't have a clue as to good guy vs bad guy. I grew up anguy and mean. And I hate it! But! My (patient) husband of 23 years is the ONLY man that ever had my back, 100%! And I KNOW I have really put him to the test on more than one occasion. And yet, he still hangs out. Amazing! And that will be what helps me to finally let go of the pain. I haven't talked to my brother for years when Mom passed 11 years ago. I layed it all on the table, knew that we would finally and permanantly go each our own way. He blames me for Mom's decisions, I know that. I haven't seen or spoken to him in years. I got used to being passed in an isle in the grocery store as if I were stranger a long time ago. I can truely forgive but it's hard to forget when someone asks "Got any brothres or sisters?" The hardest part is watching normal brothers and sisters interact as grown friends. My own husband has spent an immeasurable amout of time and effort helping his sister. While the loss of that kind of relationship with my own brother is heartbreaking and I grieve (always), I would NEVER stop my husband from being with his sister. I always wondered how a person could miss something they never had?
Reply