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Postpartum Depression Is Motherhood Hell
Filed under: Mommy Wars, Opinions, Expert Advice: Babies
I had postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder with the birth of my first child in 2001. I know what it feels like to see all the other new moms around you happy and glowing while you feel like a miserable monster. Because of how much it truly sucked, and how alone and ashamed I felt, I started my blog Postpartum Progress, which is now the most widely-read blog on postpartum depression and other mental illnesses related to childbirth.
One of my PPD survivor friends, Deborah, recently sent me a link to an article on all the things that change when you have a baby. Every single one of the dozens of things listed is blissful and joyous. Every. Single. One. There's nothing about difficulties, fear, regret, diaper blowouts, sore nipples, fat pants, scary thoughts or babies who won't nap. Here is a sampling of the happy list:
Yep.
It's not our fault. We aren't selfish, nasty characters. We have a real, clinical illness that's the most common complication of childbirth. Once we get help, we're usually just fine. In the meantime, though, reading lists about being superhuman while going through PPD is heartbreaking.
One of my PPD survivor friends, Deborah, recently sent me a link to an article on all the things that change when you have a baby. Every single one of the dozens of things listed is blissful and joyous. Every. Single. One. There's nothing about difficulties, fear, regret, diaper blowouts, sore nipples, fat pants, scary thoughts or babies who won't nap. Here is a sampling of the happy list:
- "You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms."
- "The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices."
- "You respect your body ... finally."
- "You become a morning person."
- "Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power."
- "You cry all the time."
- "You can't sleep or eat."
- "You keep worrying about you hurting your baby."
- "This is the worst you've felt in your entire life."
Yep.
It's not our fault. We aren't selfish, nasty characters. We have a real, clinical illness that's the most common complication of childbirth. Once we get help, we're usually just fine. In the meantime, though, reading lists about being superhuman while going through PPD is heartbreaking.
Now, I'm the first one to say how my children are absolute heaven. I love them ceaselessly and I truly believe there is nothing else on this earth I can do to top having them. Really. They rock my world. But, this is only after being successfully treated for my postpartum OCD by a psychiatrist. Being a new mom was absolute hell.
I'm glad that many new moms smell those roses. I just want the mamas out there who don't experience these things to know one thing: I've got your back.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 3)
11-01-2010 @ 2:44PM
Hel said...Your brain is 50% fatty matter. 30% of that is DHA. All tissues with electrical activity need plentiful amounts. The body makes it poorly and we don't commonly eat DHA sources (animal organ meat (brain/liver)). Your developing fetus is making a lot of brain matter, and it takes it from Mom. It is no surprise that moms who don't supplement become deficient and THAT is the main cause of post-partum depression. I think that it is criminal negligence that doctors don't tell women this critical fact, and positively murderous when they put new moms on SSRIs. making them feel crazy when they have a simple nutritional deficiency!
My sources? Cornell Medical School study, Physicians for DHA, NIH (Joe Hilbun(sp?) cross cultural double blind study. You don't have to eat fish, you can get vegetarian DHA from the same place fish get theirs: phytoplankton/neuromins/some species of microalgae.
Thankfully, Physicians for DHA campaigned to get DHA added to infant formulas and succeeded in 2005. Babies with DHA supplementation do better on visual and mental acuity tests and even I.Q. development! At 9 months they can see about 1 line better on the eye chart, and there is as much as a 10 point difference on I.Q. tests. The I.Q. correlation is pretty tight even at 8, 10, and 12 years. Also, a study at Purdue (on Rhesus monkeys: not children) shows that subnormal DHA levels affect parenting, and the offsprings' attention span, (read ADD/ADHD), aggression and depression.
It's cheap and essential. I will send an audiotape with better documentation if you wish. Also look into DHA and schizophrenia, triglyceride levels, sudden death from ventricular fibrulation, Alzheimers, macular degeneration, and hand-eye coordination. I am referring to studies at Harvard, NIH, Yale, etc.
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11-08-2010 @ 9:00AM
Katherine Stone said...Actually, Hel, a recent study that was reported widely in the media found that DHA supplementation did not prevent postpartum depression.
11-01-2010 @ 3:17PM
MG said...I USED TO THROW ALL THE DISHES AND GLASS'S DOWN THE BASEMENT STAIRES..DIDN'T KNOW WHY. I SURE WHISHED THIS INFO. WAS AVAIBLE BACK THEN. GOD, I WAS A MESS...
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11-01-2010 @ 6:02PM
Kathy said...OMG, be thankful you have a child. I lost a premature baby. He lived for one day and I would give anything to get him back.
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11-01-2010 @ 4:09PM
Kathy said...My son has a name. Richard Lee. He was born on the bathroom floor and a fireman gave him breath. Unfortunately, my son only lived about 12 hours. So, for all of you to have post whatever, please consider the child that you have. Love them. Appreciate them. You never know when you might lose them.
11-01-2010 @ 6:30PM
mg said...SORRY THAT YOU LADIES LOST YOUR BABIES AFTER ONLY KNOWING THEM FOR SUCH A SHORT OF TIME.-IN PERSON(WE KNOW THEM INSIDE ALSO) THAT WOULD BE HARD FOR ME ALSO. ONE OF MY 6 LOST BABIES (I WOULD CARRY INTIO 5-7 MONTHS. THEN GONE. I WILL NEVER FORGET THE TIME WHEN I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL IN LONG HORRIBLE LABOR-----THEN WHILE THE NURSE'S(I HEARD THEM -THEY DID NOT WANT THE MESS--AND HAVE HER PUT INTO A ROOM) GOSH--THAT MADE ME FEEL REAL GOOD)SO, OFF I WENT TO MY ROOM. THEY WERE GONE, I JUST CRIED AND THREW UP AND I PASSEDMY CHILD. IN MY ROOM THATWAS SELECTED FOR ME AT THE FRONT DESK. I ALSO REMEMBER THAT THEY PUT IT(MY FETUS) INTO A JAR. ANDI SAWIT, FELT IT PASS..I CONTACTED THEM BY BUTTON. I BLEAD SO BAD ALMOST DIED. FROM THE PICTURES, IT WAS FULL 6 MONTH DEVELOPMENT. AND IT WENT INTO A JAR!!!!!!!! A JAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL NEVER RELESE THAT FROM MY BRAIN. NOT THAT I CAN'T OR WON'T JUST IT IS THERE..--MY PART OF LIFE--..WE HAVE COME A LONG WAY LADIES. THAT WAS IN THE 70'S. SOME CAN MAKE IT NOW AND SOME CAN'T..THE ONES THAT CAN'T--IT WOULD BE A HARD FUTURE FOR YOU AND YOURS. LET GOD HANDLE THIS. BUT, I BETTER HAVE A GREAT LACE WITH A VIEW IN HEAVEN..
11-03-2010 @ 12:34PM
Katherine Stone said...I am so sorry for your loss Kathy. I can completely understand why it would be hard for you to imagine that someone could suffer from PPD when they are so fortunate to have a healthy baby. But PPD is not a choice. If it was, those of us who go through it would make the choice for it to go away immediately, which we can't. PPD is a valid, clinical illness that must be treated professionally. Once it is, mothers who recover are able to have the kind of appreciation for their babies that you would expect.
11-01-2010 @ 3:54PM
sue said...Tell me , just what is post partum obsessive compulsive disorder...I never heard of that.
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11-01-2010 @ 6:09PM
MG said...SUE, HAVE U READ ANYTHING?????? I HATE IT WHEN SOME PEOPLE DON'T- CARE OR KNOW ANYTHING- NOTHING ABOUT THIS..I LOST 5 BABIES. AND WHEN I HAD MY FIRST CHILD---I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE HAPPY. AND I WAS. BUT THE BIRTHING WAS SO PAINFUL-- AND LONG..I REALLY DIDN'T LIKE THIS KID. THEN I FELL TOP OF LOVE IN HEALS WITH THIS BABY. VERY PROTECTIVE.THAT ALSA , MADE ME TIRED. WOULD NOT GO THE MAILBOX. AND IT WAS WINTER.SO, TO MUCH TIME FOR THE BOOTS ETC. EVEN WHILE HE SLEPT---I COULD NOT LEAVE HIM..THEN IT ALL STARTED. JUST STOOD THERE AND THREW GLASS'S DOWN THE STAIRS. JUST LEANED ON THE DOOR JAM AND DID IT. NOT EVEN A THOUGHT--JUST BLANK. A WINTER BABY IS THE HARDEST.!( THE FIRST ONE) SO, WHEN I SEE OR MAKE FRIENDS WITH A PREG. WOMAN. I KEEP HER TALKING-- AND I I FIND A DEPRESSION ? WE TALK. WHEN THE BABY IS BORN..I TALK WITH HER MORE. AND THEN SHE IS SO HAPPY THAT SHE IS NOT ALONE. 7 OUT OF 10 SUFFER THIS WAY..NEVER MIND THE HUSBAND..AND WHNE YOU THINK IT'S ALL OVER WITH?????? THEY START TO TEETHING...THATS REAL FUN. THE PEE IS MORE THICK AND THAT MAKES THE BUTT SORE AND REAL TIMES HO- LETS NOT GO THERE. I SURIVED AND ALSO MY 2 CHILDREN..(BETWEEN 3 MORE LOST BABIES..) HEY!!!!!!!!!!! WOW WE WE ARE STRONG!! MEN DR. DON'T UNDERSTAND------JUST MANY ADJUSTMENTS TO BE MADE.
11-01-2010 @ 6:38PM
mg said...SUE, YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!
11-03-2010 @ 12:20PM
Katherine Stone said...Sue,
Postpartum OCD is often characterized by having scary, unwanted thoughts about harming your baby. They are usually "what if" thoughts, like "what if I dropped the baby down the stairs?" They are very upsetting because the mom knows they are wrong, and she'll usually do everything possible to prevent something like that from happening. The thoughts are not a character flaw, but are arising from her significant anxiety. Does this make sense?
12-07-2010 @ 11:55PM
sttts said...Is there any commeradry here for me? I had all of the above, but my baby, which ALL of you speak about with total joy, was a nightmare himself. My post partum depression grew into serious chronic depression with every year of his life. I went from doctor to doctor to doctor. He had reactive hypoglycemia, adhd, oppositional defiance disorder, "dirty mouth syndrome" and we STILL don't know what all. My husband couldn't take it (Ha! Poor guy, he was at work...and went out on me for 10 years I've found out with "Tiger Woods" disorder ) and I was left dealing with it all by myself. (Had a "perfect" baby girl 15 months later whom I had to protect from her brother). ... NO medications have worked, can't find a job in my profession (that I was forced to give up with his birth), therefore stuck in a loveless marriage with immobile depression...
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11-20-2010 @ 12:20PM
sweetie6116 said...It's a competitve thing. Women are the most competitve creatures on earth! I GUARANTEE you if men were having the baby, it would all be out in the open. The fact is, having a baby DRASTICALLY changes your life! Yes, some of it is good, but some of it ( a lot more than you think) is hard work, taxing and exhausting. Women won't admit that to each other because they want to be "BETTER THAN YOU". That's it in a nutshell.
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11-01-2010 @ 5:46PM
Rosie said...Is there a cure for this condition? My sister suffered and is still suffering from PPD. She has been to counseling, been on meds and still seems to be having an issue with it 10 years later!
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11-01-2010 @ 6:06PM
memaw said...I think I had it with both of mine, just didn't know what it was at the time.
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11-03-2010 @ 12:23PM
Katherine Stone said...I hear that a lot. Many women don't recognize they have PPD, but assume that being miserable is a normal part of new parenthood. While being exhausted and stressed out is pretty normal, having the kind of symptoms that negatively impact your daily life and your ability to eat, sleep and function as you'd like are not.
11-01-2010 @ 7:40PM
elphie said...I thank God I did not have post partum depression but i can certainly identify with the feelings of repulsion our writer felt when reading the sickly sweet blatherings that constitute the majority of writing about motherhood. It is time to face things realistically, not through rose colored sugar coated galsses. Motherhood is great, but it is not always heaven, from birth all the way through your children's adulthood.
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11-01-2010 @ 9:25PM
rebecca said...The saying "Punished by your own tongue" is what first came to mnd when I was told what was wrong with me. Before having my son I always thought PPP was bullchite. The women were just weak. More psycho babble. God I couldn't have been more wrong and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. After having the courage to tell a relative what was happening she assured me I wasn't crazy. I wasn't a horrible person -- It's PPP. Thank goodness I was able to snap myself out of it. It didn't happen over night. It took the first 3 years of my son's life the nightmare ended. But at least I knew when I had those horrible feelings and thoughts I was able to say to myself it wasn't me and I am not a horrible person. I'll be okay, I'll be okay, I'll be okay.....And thank goodness. It will be 4 1/2 years the nightmare ended.
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11-04-2010 @ 9:34AM
memaw said...I hear you loud and clear! I think post partum depression is kind of like PMS, you have to experience it to REALLY get the feel of it.
11-01-2010 @ 9:47PM
wlh1923 said...Hadn't been prepared for that after the first (and only) child was born after my wife and I got married. She had children from a prior and never mentioned any problems about that. Wasn't in the realm of my consciousness. About three months after our son was born things blew up pretty quickly. There had been some signs but all of a sudden on day - KABOOM. She was driving somewehere for an errand (son was with me at the time) and she ran out of gas. She just melted down. We're talking Andrea Yates here (woman that drowned all her kids couple years back).
She said she was done with marriage and kids and that I could do whatever I wanted with our son - from putting him up for adoption or taking full custody. It was a black hole for a very long time and I assumed the role of full time parent. Couldn't leave the baby with her out of fear that she might harm him. He went to work with me every day (I'm self amployed) and I did the diapers and feeding. Eventually she came around to some semblance of her former self but unfortunately our marriage was over in my mind. I just kept running and never looked back. She was heartbroken that I left her.
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