When Adult Children Fight, a Mother's Heart Breaks

TO Ann Marie, I understand the pain you deal with. I have been dealing with the same situation for 9 years. Can you contact me? I think we have a lot to share and possibly we can help each other. My heart breaks for you.

ANN MARIE we had 3 beautiful daughters. we lost our oldest 2/1/09 from cancer, then this march we lost our youngerst. but we had gave our middle daughters son as well as her daughter a place to live the son we have gave him a place to stay again he has been here 2+ years we have paid all bills even his hair cuts now our oldest daughters son lost his job and every thing he had he has a daughter 2yrs he and his family came to live with us now my middle daughter texted me and said as long as they r here she is like our other2 daughters dead then her daughter our oldest grand daughter text me and said i no longer have a grand r great grand daughter . to night i had to pick up my oldest grandson and his sister and her daughter came out of thestore my greatgrand daughter looked over my way . it is tearing me apart i am 70 and on my deathbed but what do u do for fear of having a stroak . i am at my wits end i have give and give my daughter texted me mama i love you why can't she pick up the phone an talk to me . i have had to put it in Gosd hands i know no more.

frustration and unhappiness comes from wanting
what is NOT. you cannot change people - but you
can change how you respond to this circumstance.

letting go of what you have no control is challenging;
choices: focus on this unfortunate circumstance
or focus on something else that makes us happy --

happening now in the present ---
not 'remembering' the past

or 'hoping' in the future.

inother words -- live NOW

Nicely put, Mary. I have a younger sister and although we have shared the same womb(as my mother puts it) and have the same parents, we are as different as night and day. We grew up in the same house, are only three years apart, but we were not close even as kids.
As adults I have tried to get along with her for the sake of my parents and myself. However, after a lot of therapy, I have realized that i cannot change her, nor do not have to be close with her either. I have put up boundries, and will keep peace during important family holidays. However, just because we are siblings, does not make us simililar or do we have values that lend itself to any kind of meaningful relationship. I have to accept that to keep my sanity.

I hope when your grandchildren are older, you can re-establish a relationship with them. I am so sorry for your painful situation - it sounds terrible. A

To Calicat...Why can't you go see your grandchildren when they are with their father? Of course I am assuming he shares some custodial role.

To tell adult children that you as their parent won't tolerate their divisive behavior is easier said than done. My experience may certainly not be the same for every parent, but when I tried to intervene and "fix" things, I immediately became the enemy of the one who could not accept his sister's choices and refused to move on. Other than appealing for reason with an unreasonable person, what other leverage does a parent have with an adult child? Ultimatums have the potential of driving the rift even deeper. It's best to express your love to each and leave them alone to work out their differences by themselves. Or not. There is nothing else you can do unless you can accept that in trying to mend fences you may risk losing one of them, or both. Or to reverse the often-used expression - "the friend of my enemy is my enemy."

I am so sorry for your family issues. My brother didn't speak to me for six months when his son was born because I made some what I thought was an innocent comment about his wife. I will always remember him coming over to my house and screaming at me "you don't have a brother any more". We managed to move past it and he and his wife divorced. I hate that, but at least now he sees my point. As a parent, I cannot even imagine the pain of never seeing your children together. I guess that, as family, we are supposed to love each other unconditionally. But that doesn't happen. Sadly. I do wish you and all of the other parents with issues the best of luck in solving all of the problems. Family is everything.

And can I say how glad I am that the spammers apparently decided this wasn't a good board to put their comments on.

No, but Carol, you did try to talk to your son which is a lot more than other parents do. He has got to get off of it, let go. I'd like to know how he was as a child growing up?

You are absolutely right. Applause. Someone else with a firm grip on manners. I have two sons and have never tolerated base behavior at any time. If they want to bicker privately, fine. But I will not allow all out disorder anywhere else. The world is so busy today that when we all do find time to dine together, or at special occassions, I feel in the interest of all that animosity needs to be checked at the door. However, I am a strong woman and parent. They know better than to cross that line. Ladies, this strength starts when they are little. You either cowgirl up and set your expectations, or you cower and throw caution to the wind, hoping for the best. Be the cowgirl. ;)

You have no knowledge of how this woman raised her two sons. To criticize her is both wrong and unkind. You can pat yourself on the back for the fine job you did with your own children but refrain from criticizing others for their own child rearing decisions. As my grandmother used to say, "Don't spit in the wind. It could come back to hit you in the face." It sounded a lot better in Italian, but I'm confident you get the message!

JudyB - Oh yes I do. When she took to the world wide web to discuss her children, she opened herself up to criticism. The way my children turned out wasn't luck - it was a lot of hard consistent work. It started when they were babies and it never let up, not even today. Not many people do that anymore. If everything seems fine, they just go with the flow. Now, if one of my children always had to be dominant in play, and the other had to be passive, I would judge that as a problem and work on role reversal immediately, effectively letting the dominant child know they always could not be in charge. Re-read this woman's missive and it will become clear she didn't do what she needed to do with either of her children.

Kudos, Judy B. That's right--you can't criticize someone else's parenting. And I know that expression in Italian and you are correct, it always sound better in Italian! Another point in keeping the peace in our home is that we are all very split politically right now. Thank God both my kids are on the 'same page' politically, but these discussions can become very heated and particularly in the political climate in which we now live, there are many families actually at serious odds with each other over the issues. The everyday discussions (mostly initiated by my son in law) always began to disintegrate into politics and eventually evolved into arguments. I finally put my foot down, told all of them that it is obvious that none of us agree and no possible way any of us could convince the other of our beliefs, and insisted that when we were all together in our home, anyway, politics was an off-topic. We don't go there, and there is no more dissention at our gatherings. It's alot better and alot less dangerous.