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Filed under: Siblings, Opinions, Relationships
The author's sons, Alex and Nicolas, in simpler days. Credit: Jessica Barksdale Inclan
When my older son Alex was a child, he did everything before he knew how and without considering if it would work. He walked and fell, rode a bike and crashed. He tried to be a grown-up his way. He crashed, he burned, he learned.
When my younger son Nicolas was a child, he didn't do anything until he knew he could do it without fail. He waited until he was 16 months old to walk, and one day, he stood up and ran. He read when he could understand complete sentences. After many difficult bike riding lessons with his father, he couldn't do more than one or two pedals before falling. Then one day when his father was facing the other way, Nicolas took off down the street.
Alex is an anarchist. He is a hater of leaders and laws, a college graduate and now a writer who envisions a government as slim as a piece of paper. He despises anything that enforce rules on the masses -- traffic signs, tax laws, social norms and customs.
Nicolas, on the other hand, was a military history major, now a police-academy aspirant and law-abiding citizen with one moving violation that he erased through traffic school.
At one time, these were my happy little boys, my sons who played together all day on the weekends, slept in the same room for years. In that small bedroom, they had an enormous Lego town, a town that stayed together through two moves, only dismantled when Nicolas was a sophomore in high school. When they played with the town, Alex took charge, taking the role of the main character; Nicholas was everyone else.
They both went to the same college, called each other frequently, hiked together, laughed together. But when Nicolas began to become the man he is, their ideologies started to pull them apart.
Nicolas could no longer go to the rallies, the protests, the angry mob scenes at the United States Army base in Tacoma. He couldn't listen to Alex's wild tales of anarchist revelry. He began to despise all that Alex stood for, and their drives home from Washington State began to get ugly, full of silences or harsh words. When Alex found out that Nicolas was applying to police departments for work, he felt his brother was attacking his principles.
Our last meal together, all of us sitting around the table of our new home, was as unpleasant as could be.
"Could you just stop?" Nicolas yelled, putting down his fork. "I can't listen to this propaganda anymore. You're just lazy. You just don't want to work."
"And you're doing this cop crap to spite me," Alex shouted back. "You don't really want to be a pig, do you?"
"You think my choice is about you?" Nicolas said. "How narcissistic can you get?"
Finally, after more emotional punching, Nicolas pushed away from the table. Alex followed him in to the kitchen, words flying like missiles, despite my attempts to break up the fight. I eventually managed to quell that argument, but throughout their visit here, the fight erupted again and again, ending with a tense, silent ride up to the Northwest and a standoff that lasted for months.
I have a photo on my desk of my two curly-headed boys, Nicolas hugging Alex, Alex's arm pulling him close. Both are smiling big-toothed smiles. But these two little boys are gone. And the little brother doesn't want to be the tag-along anymore. He's his own man, with his own values and his own life, and what he wants is his brother to accept him. Alex fights back, wanting his ideas to be heard and honored. Seeing that the past is slipping away, big brother grasps for the memories of what was.
I also want to cling to that long-ago brother relationship because it was magical. Somehow, I thought back then, I did something right with these two.
The fighting. This is the part of parenting that we don't think about when children are in diapers. Here is when children become adults, and adults don't always agree and then happily eat peanut butter-and-jelly sandwiches together. Young adults learn how to individuate, and that's what I'm watching now.
It's possible that these two will never come back to one another. The fight could be the axe that splits their relationship wide open, forever irreparable. I close my eyes and breathe in hard when I think of them forever at opposite sides. Siblings are the closest relationships in time and age and place. Siblings know each other in ways no one else can, and to see my boys approach an end to this connection is more than I can bear.
Though it's possible things may never be repaired, and their eroding relationship is painful for all three of us, I have faith that buried beneath the hurt and anger is that hug, those smiles, those two boys in the photo taken so long ago.
Jessica Barksdale Inclan is a novelist who teaches literature and creative writing for Diablo Valley College. Visit her at Red Room to read about her work, including her supernatural romance novel Being with Him, now available in paperback.
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ReaderComments (Page 5 of 18)
11-01-2010 @ 3:19PM
revmrskd said...I have 3 sisters, two older. There is a 12 year spread between us. We were never close growing up because of the age spread (5 years between #2-3-4) Oldest two have always had incredible rivalry that has created decades old resentment. They don't speak to each other. It happened the night before our mother's memorial service seven years ago. My youngest sister has great difficulty accepting that we sister's will never have a close relationship because we never have and it doesn't particularly interest us either. I know my mother, on the other side, understands the pain they carry. I believe that if they could let go of needing to be right and understanding that anger and resentment hurt them we could actually have some tolerable family gatherings but I don't ever expect to see that again. So sad.
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11-01-2010 @ 3:39PM
Colleen said...I am this way with my younger sister, who is 22 months younger than me. I get along great with my youngest two sisters, but not her. The reasons why I never know, it's just I cannot stand her. She has gone through her life since a child with this holier-than-thou attitude, and she gets away with it. I suffer from what is known as older child syndrome. I may not do anything wrong to her except look at her cross-eyed, and I am the one that gets in trouble for making her upset. Ever since she moved back home since her divorce, the entire attitude in the house is volatile. No one really gets along, and we all walk on eggshells so that we don't upset her. Because she has our dad wrapped around her finger.
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11-01-2010 @ 3:21PM
Lisa said...Thank God, my children espouse the same political and social beliefs that my husband and I do. They may not be the popular beliefs, but we all agree on them as a family, and we raised them with these same values and beliefs. It would break my heart also if they were to become estranged but we also raised them with a strong belief in "family first".
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11-01-2010 @ 3:41PM
sparky said...and no individuality!
11-01-2010 @ 3:22PM
Goldie said...You say that Alex is a hater of leaders and laws ,,, traffic signs ,, tax laws ,, social norms and customs ,,, and you say it as though it is just another normal phylosophical method of thinking. Well ,, in most places ,, we call those people criminals ,,, or at least well on their way to committing a crime ,, if they haven't already. We have laws for a good reason: they allow us to get along with each other without having a gun fight in the street everytime we disagree on something. Alex's way of thinking is not just another optional political belief ,,, it is a wrong belief ,, and you need to tell him that. If we were all left to anarchy ,, half of us would die in the streets every few days ,, until there were only a few of us left. And it is very probable that after a short time, neither of your sons would be left. And that's not exactly a harmonious family situation either.
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11-01-2010 @ 3:22PM
Charles Prince said...Face it, Alex is a scum bag liberal socialist. Forget him, and get on with your life. There are mistakes in life, but Alex is not your mistake.
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11-01-2010 @ 4:16PM
Sarah said...Since we're calling people names, you sir are a complete idiot. Instead of sitting on your computer all day spouting off the mouth like a moron why don't you try reading a book? If you had you would see that anarchists and socialists are on complete opposite ends of the political spectrum. Socialists want government to control every aspect of life while anarchists want no government. But I would hate for a little thing like facts to get in the way of your hateful, ignorant little diatribe so carry on there moron.
11-01-2010 @ 3:26PM
T Patrick said...I see my brother and myself in this article. I was adopted at age 13 but had grown up with my adopted family and brother as extended family. When I went away to college my brother, who was always a religious person, became a born again fundementalist. We could be more different. Being in the arts, very liberal and gay made me everything my brother despises. He hid for yeras behind his love the sinner, hate the sin mentality but I knew it was lip service and I demanded more than that. It pains my mother that he 2 sons are not close. At a recent family event we made nice so as not to upset her. Most of the rest of our family doesn't speak to him either. Life is much simpler when you are children and doing so much together. It's life and all of the changes that it brings with it that make brothers stronger or push them apart. I will never have a relationship with my brother like we did when we were 10 years old and that makes me sad.
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11-05-2010 @ 1:03PM
cchenwu1688 said...It is sad, because we cannot go back to that time, when we were still developing and neutral. That all we were concerned about was watching a cartoon or making a mud pie and never about religion, politics, sexuality, money, etc.
But yeah that is indeed sad that such things come to this, growing up becomes no longer fun or anticipated when such conflicts arise. :/
11-01-2010 @ 3:33PM
sparky said...Well it seems to me that your older son is Rash to say the least and your younger one is the more responsible of the two. Your older son may temper with time, but the longer these two remain at odds the harder it will be to bring them back togeher My father in law doesnt speak to his one brother well its actually the reverse, but they havent spoken in years and my father in law is 80 he has tried to reach out but to no avail. its sad and tragic really and I myself stopped talking to my brother Years ago and now he is gone I dont regret though, our disagreement was more about abuse than different life styles. Keep on them about trying to come to some sort of truce.
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11-01-2010 @ 4:11PM
Lisa said...Umm, I raised my kids with plenty of individuality, thank you. Do not presume that you know me or my family by making comments that my family is lacking that quality. It's none of your business.
11-01-2010 @ 3:32PM
Copperhead10 said...Sounds like they need to set some rules up when they visit like alot of families do when they have relatives over. No religious or political discussions.
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11-01-2010 @ 3:38PM
sparky said...Such a narrow view you have. I am a LIBERAL but I dont despise police officers or authority, I have NEVER broken the law in my life and dont attend rallys, I just believe that there is room for everybody in this world even if I dont happen to agree with them. Nice of you to call some womans son a scumbag, very "christian"
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11-01-2010 @ 4:23PM
Jennifer said...You had me until the 'christian' part. There is nothing in the post that references 'scumbag' that has anything to do with religion or religious ideology. Perhaps that's where your civility ends and scumbag behavior begins?
11-01-2010 @ 3:42PM
Susan said...Let me just say that this is something I know about first hand. A number of years ago my father was murdered and it ripped our family apart. We all had different opinions about the punishment of his killer-- jail without parole, death penalty, etc. But in the end (about 2 years later) we realized that we needed to be a family and that our personal beliefs did not mean we could not spend time together or be together. I hope these two realize that your personal beliefs are not more important than your loved ones. You can still hold true to your beliefs and values AND have relationships with those that don't think the same way you do. Believe me-- life is too short.
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11-01-2010 @ 3:52PM
Tara said...I have an older sister and a younger brother. The three of us children, at the ages of 39, 32, and 29, could not be more polar opposite in life choices, opinions, or anything else, for that matter. At the root of it all, we love each other. There have been fights, distances, even periods of not speaking... however, when we were growing up, our parents hammered one hard fact into us. "When we're gone, you three children are all each other will have. Don't let anything loosen that bond, because there will be regret." I am the most opinionated of all three, having a hard time letting go of certain issues. But you know what? I have. I can't change either of my siblings, I can only embrace who they are, in hopes they embrace me. It's so unfortunate to read about a strife like this, because when unity matters most, during the most difficult times, like your parents' passings, so much will have been said or unsaid, it's going to make matters so much worse... I hope the best for this family and that these two men can make peace. If only for their mom.
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11-01-2010 @ 3:43PM
m said...I am the youngest of 4 children. Since my mother passed away in 2003, I have tried to keep in touch with my sibs by calling on birthdays, holidays and such. What I have been rewarded with has been calls never returned, and short conversations like I'm wasting their time. SO, last year I decided to NOT call anyone-and I haven't heard from any of them. I know we have our own lives and many of you probably think I'm just too annoying for them, but it's not that way. I have contact with my nieces and nephews and they tell me their parents don't talk to each other at all. It's a shame-I know our parents would have wanted us to at least have some contact-even once a year. I guess I'll get a call for a funeral before a 'merry Christmas'.
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11-01-2010 @ 9:00PM
Pam said...I am so sorry. I hope things get better for you.
11-02-2010 @ 9:26AM
Traci said...Everyone is saying that this is the oldest son's fault, that being an anarchist is what is causing the problems. It's a good thing for the US that the founding father's didn't 'follow all the rules'...
I think that the younger son also can lay some of this blame at his own feet...the Hitler youth followed all the rules to the letter, too!
I think they are both being intolerant of each other, and blaming the other for the replationship. They both need to grow up!
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11-01-2010 @ 3:58PM
Bernadette said...Dear Mom, Never Never Never give up hope that they will resolve thier issues, have unshakable FAITH IN GOD and pray a blessing over your sons that thier relationship will be restored throuigh the heavenly father, in Jesus name AMEN. It took my sister 3 years but things are getting back on trak for us and all the glory goes to our mercyful Father. God Bless! It will happen!
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