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Should You Explain Suicide to Young Kids?
Filed under: Bullying, Health & Safety: Tweens, Social & Emotional Growth: Tweens
My oldest just turned 9. His innocence is still fairly solid, but I see the edges starting to fray a bit.
I'm not ready. I want to protect Jack from everything that is ugly or "grown up" about the world. I don't want to talk about sex. I don't want to talk about getting your heart broken, either. He still believes in Santa Claus, for goodness sakes! At the same time, I know that if I pretend these things don't exist then he won't be prepared for what's coming.
Truth is, though, I'm a newshound. I have the news on constantly in my car and quite often at home. Recently there has been a lot of news about suicide. My son asked me in the car last week, "Mom, what's suicide?"
First I thought, "I don't want my kid to be aware that it's possible to kill yourself. He shouldn't even know it's an option. Now is not the time. It's too soon." But my mouth took over and I immediately explained to him in basic terms what suicide is. And then, I saw my opening.
So many people, including educators and therapists, say that you have to get information and values into your children when they are young. I know we need to teach children tolerance, to be kind and not to bully. I work hard to make sure it is very clear to both my kids that they should neither harm others with their words and actions nor should they stand by and watch someone else do it.
But how well are we doing at telling our children what to do on the very worst days, when they may feel like their only option is leaving this world?
Now was the time for me to talk about it. Right now, not later.
I told Jack that everyone in life has times when they feel left out. They may be teased, made fun of or bullied. They may be publicly embarrassed or shamed. It may happen a little bit, or a lot. Some get it much worse than others, but many of us have terribly low moments when we feel all is lost. One's personality, general mental health, unique situation and support structure probably have a lot to do with how we are able to handle those moments. For some, it may be easier to take it all in stride whereas for others it may seem like life's not worth living.
I told him that if he ever feels completely alone or ashamed, no matter how bad he is made to feel or allows himself to feel about who he is, suicide is never the answer. NEVER. It might seem like it, but it isn't. Instead of making hurt go away, it creates permanent, incessant hurt for the many good people who love you. I told him I will always be there to talk and to support him, and if he doesn't want to talk to me there are others.
I know what it's like to feel like there's no way out. I considered suicide myself when I had postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder but instead I reached out for professional help, even though I was deathly afraid of telling anyone what was going through my mind. Oddly, I didn't think to mention that experience to my son during our conversation -- I went into protective mama bear mode -- but it just gives me more to share with him when we have another chat down the road. No doubt, we'll have to have additional talks about this.
Did I make a mistake being so open with a 9-year-old about this awful subject? I don't think so. The National Association of School Psychologists says this: "Talking to your children about suicide will not put thoughts into their head. In fact, all available evidence indicates that talking to your child lowers the risk of suicide. The message is, 'Suicide is not an option, help is available.'"
We had that talk. He said "OK, Mom." I hope he really heard me.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
11-03-2010 @ 11:37AM
Alicia said...I'm glad you had the option of sharing. I found out what suicide was at 5 or so when my great-uncle hung himself. This summer, more kids in my family found out when my second cousin did the same. I wish they'd known beforehand. Watching adults try and explain suicide at a funeral while grieving makes the anger and the hurt ten times worse.
Reply
11-03-2010 @ 12:16PM
Katherine Stone said...Thank you for sharing that Alicia. I'm so sorry to hear of the tragedies that have befallen your family.
11-03-2010 @ 2:09PM
Mark said...It's not to young to talk when hundreds of children under 10 commit suicide every year, There are extreme cases of 6 and 7 year olds who have committed suicide.
Reply
10-03-2011 @ 3:45PM
Heather said...The first time I tried to kill myself I was five years old. I wanted to die and tried to strangle myself/suffocate myself. I don't know how I knew that it was possible to kill myself, but I believe if I thought of more ways to try I would have died.
11-03-2010 @ 2:13PM
tess said...I lost a husband to suicide when my boys were very young. The younger one was 5. Yes they were told what happened and the older 10 y/o understood. The younger one asked me again when he was 8 and we talked about it, cried a lot. He just didn't understand it nor was ready for it earlier. Yes, you want to bite your tongue and protect them but kids know when you lie.
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11-04-2010 @ 10:21AM
Katherine Stone said...I'm sorry for your family's loss Tess. And I totally agree with you that kids have a sixth sense about what is and isn't the truth coming from adults.
8-07-2011 @ 11:35AM
Tiffany said...Tess, I just lost my husband to suicide in Oct 2010. I have a 4 year old and don't know what to do. Please let me know if you would be interested in talking to me.
Thank you.
11-03-2010 @ 2:46PM
Myrrh said...Kids are pretty amazing... they understand far more than most adults give them credit for. Even more impressive is that they ask direct questions -- to the point, and at a level they can understand.
If a 7 year old asks a quesdtion, answering JUST the question he /she asks will either satisfy them or lead to further discussion. Remembering that when they ask (figuratively) what time it is, don't tell them how to make a watch, still allows them to ask more if they need more, but doesn't confuse or overwhelm them.
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11-09-2010 @ 10:56PM
Sera said...This was so eloquently written - thanks for being so open with him, and with us! You are such a great mama to your kids, and this post was very inspiring to me, as my little one is only 2 1/2, but I know that conversations like this one you just had with your son will come up faster than I realize. This is a great example of being honest with our kids and explaining things openly, yet in age-appropriate terms. Nice job. :)
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12-27-2010 @ 3:05PM
MamaPoodle said...I have just discovered your blog and after reading only a few, it's like you're in my head. The constant worry about the "right" and "wrong" way to raise my son, how to approach subjects like Santa Claus and suicide. I love the way you come at every subject: with an open mind but a clear, honest opinion. My baby is only 16 months old, but I think about these things all the time. How am I going to talk to him about sex? How do I prepare myself for a question I may not be ready to talk to him about? Am I doing all the right things to raise a successful adult? How can I ensure he will be more successful than I am? (It is my greatest wish for him.) Thank you for this article because it's helped me realize the most important thing: No matter how much I study, read up or rehearse, the best approach to any "big" question out of my son's mouth is honesty (with a little bit held back, we don't always tell our children just how fallible we really are).
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12-29-2010 @ 1:49AM
Chris said...Bravo, Katherine, bravo. And that's what it means to be a great parent. (I'm pretty sure he got the point.)
Reply