Snap Judgement: A Holiday Card Photo Dilemma

Toby- Mr. Gerard indicates that his wife's surname is Bennett. Bennett is of English origin, so I would surmise that she is Christian, and that the family celebrated Christmas.

excuse me?not all english people are christian, Linda. Please watch this sort of thing

WHY do people, even highly educated people, misspell the word judgment? It is a real pet peeve of mine, especially when it is the headline of an article?

Claudette, you are a real snob. Had you looked up the word judgement/judgment, you might have found that both are acceptable and that judgement is actually the British spelling.

Some people need to do their research before posting nasty comments.

As you can see, she knows all about being judgmental. Thats how she's knows so much about the word.

Certainly it is a sad and poignant essay. But-I really do wonder about the need to enclose pictures of what sound like ADULT "children" in a Christmas card.....and I wonder why a man who is obviously Jewish is sending Christmas cards? Holiday cards-sure. But he is very specifically saying Christmas cards.

Very well said ....

Yes I am 74 and remember Christmas when I was 10 years old and my parents were going through a divorce. The world changed forever.

For God sake Carol, what the big deal with 2 people who are not in love with each other any more? I'm 54 and I wish my parent's would have devorced instead of years of coldness and tears between them. We watched our mother not allowing herself to even think of devorce for 50 years and become a lonley bitter person even though she didn't get devoced. Both our parent's would have found happiness if they were brave enough to admit that they weren't in love any more.

Thanks to Carol and Anne for their comments. I am thinking about a divorce and have a precious daughter, early teens. She is the only reason I try to keep things together at home! We are civil, no coldness, etc.

As for Sara, you might want to check your spelling when you are attacking someone in their 70s that you don't even know and should respect. Sounds like the coldness of your parent's marriage trickled down to you.

sara, that is the problem with the world today. if you think you've fallen out of love, or you get bored, just move on to the next one. my niece actually told me on her wedding day, "well, if it doesn't work out, we'll just get divorced". of course, you know it didn't work out with that attitude. what happened to the marriage vow "in sickness and in health, til death do us part". there are some reasons for divorce. abuse, alcoholism, drugs, etc. but, just getting bored and ready to move on is not one of them. there are a lot of ups and downs. sometimes i have a hard time remembering why i married my husband, but, you work at it and make it better. eventually you get the "up time". and, if people choose to have children, i think they owe it to the kids to try to make it work. my parents also made each other miserable and stayed together for us, but what if, instead, they would have tried to make the other one happy instead of miserable and actually tried to make it work? they probably would have been happily married instead of miserable. it's not fair to stay together and do everything you can to make the other person sad. the kids and everyone loses. but... forget about yourself and work on making the other person happy. i guarantee you will be happy too. people are very selfish these days. they only care about the way they feel.

And some of us wish our parents HAD divorced and spared their children years of tension, anger, and bad feelings. Everyone's different and staying married isn't always the best possible thing. Things were different 60+ years ago and, for a marriage to have broken up, I think things must have been pretty bad behind the scenes. I'll be the first to admit that people take marriage too lightly these days, but sometimes divorce is in everyone's best interest...

your comments of your parents divorce and the traumatic experience you had is nothing but an excuse.. My parents divorced when I was less than 10 years old... It had zero effect on my life as I chose what to do.. I have been very successful and realize it may have influnced me but in no way a negative excuse to blame them nor anyone else... ask for excuses all you please but it still relies on you...you are a loser if you shirk your life choices, 9

my parents divorced when I was 14...after 23 years of marriage. I wish they had divorced several years earlier. it was the bitterness and the non-communication that had effected me. Soon after, they each met their current husband/wife now of 15 years. they are both better people for taking the risk of separation to find someone they had grown to be more compatible with. People are different and I would not take my marriage lightly, but some times it is better to remove the *for the kids* aspect. It's most commonly hard enough on the adults.

From reading these comments, my story sounds a little different. I grew up in what was a war zone at times, trying to stay out of the way of a screaming mother and a stoic dad, both hurting. They stayed together, battled it out, humbled themselves, and now in their 70's, they have a sweet relationship, although still not perfect. The good stuff came long after the kids were grown. Does it matter in my life? Every single day. I know that marriage can be extremely hard, even in the best of relationships, and I still bear some of the scars from their fights. But I've also found in my 10 year + marriage that the good and bad times come and go, and when I'm in the dark, I've learned to trust that it certainly will get better. My husband is patient with me (usually), and I'm learning to hold on and have faith in him. Love is most important when the person truly doesn't deserve it, because it keeps you together until the good stuff comes back. It gets sweeter over time, too. Certainly, you don't just hold on and not work to make things better, or wait for the other person to "shape up" - that's more of a hell than divorcing, I'm sure. You fight it out, look inside yourself for what needs changing, with a goal of killing your common enemy, not each other. Certainly, there are some (very few) reasons to divorce, but being world-weary, feeling dead inside, and not "being in love" seem to be the stuff most of us face. It's a sign to dig in and find your way back, not confirmation to quit.

I understand that you may not agree with divorce Carol, and maybe I'm wrong, but I have seen so many people try to stick it out for the children, but it only makes things worse. Also to Lillygirl, but there is no love either, so showing your daughter that she should never leave a marriage, could in fact hurt her more than you leaving your husband. Divorce for say sara, may have been a better solution for her family, and yes, a possible reason she said what she did to Carol, showing, a divorce would have been the better way to save the children from misery. Many people believe that once vows are spoken from the lips of one another, it seals the deal and you have to love that person forever. If only it worked that way. Many people back in the old days were stuck with a spouse that they had no feelings for, so why not take a chance on someone you presently love, without the bitter promise of something no one person may be able to keep. The problem with the world today is that it's the world today! This isn't the tradtional days, this is the new generation of people who don't necessarily believe in, "Till death do us part". Out with the old and in with the new. No one person should give up being happy so that their significant other can be happy instead. THATS NOT A LIFE! Human beings ARE in fact, selfish creatures and thats their perogitive. Who should tell someone that they have to put their feelings aside because "hubby's" not happy? I'm sorry Carol2 I definately don't agree with the old house wife life and she is to make her husband happy at the cost of her happiness. Thats bull.

I am about to be 27 years old the day after Thanksgiving and I just happened to stumble across this article. My parents have been married for going on 30 years this December. Me and my older sister have been in the middle of their rough patches, the screaming fights, the late night drunken fights, I've even seen my dad throw my mom up against the garage by her neck when I was just 10 years old. But throughout that time we 've gone to family counseling and my dad anger management classes. We've lived through my sister being an alcohol/ drug addict. But we've worked through it like a family. Things are far beyond perfect. In my earlier years when my sister and I were still much younger, it turned out that the whole time she had already been drinking and drugging...yes...she was around 8 or 10 years old....she would beat me up for the dumbest things, the remote for the TV, etc. Finally at the age of 18 she had gotten help after being arrested. She had fallen asleep at the wheel and they had found traces of drugs and alcohol in her system. She was ordered to go to AA meetings and drug counselling.

Yes, she has gotten better since then now 29 she has done a complete 180, found God and the whole 9 yards. My parents went through it like champs, taking their anger out on me. My mother jokes that my sister was the practice child on what not to do. But I did not take that joke lightly, because up until 2 years and 2 months ago (I had met my boyfriend then, which my parents love him), I was given a curfew until 11pm every night and was not allowed to go to the Bar or spend the night at my friends houses.

My mother and my father have also done a 160. I can't say they have fully turned around. My mom still yells at me for everything she can and sometimes they fight but it never gets physical anymore. My dad now calmly analyzes the situation and then says some really wise words, which usually make me feel bad and I end up apologizing to him for the way I acted. But for the most part. They don't fight anymore (with an occasional attitude), they joke more, they kiss more, especially in front of me, my boyfriend and my sister (EW!) lol. My boyfriend reminds me a lot of my dad, so we joke that, that is gonna be us someday.

Their appreciation for each other almost has seemed to come hand in hand with their sudden life change. They have both lost weight. They started going to Weight Watchers a couple years ago and have been committed ever since. They have lost over 100 pounds together. I don't know what their secret is, but for all the hell that I feel that I have been through, I still appreciate every moment with them. I very much appreciate the fact that they are still in love and can still joke with each other the way that they do.

I'm a kid at heart and want to believe that there is a true love out there for everyone. But to find your true love, you still have to work out the problems, things won't magically fall into place like the movies portray....I love real life! They really did live Happily Ever After!