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How Can I Spice Up Life With My Newly-Retired Husband?
Filed under: Relationships, Expert Advice: Home Base
Dear AdviceMama,
Since he retired, my husband plays a lot of golf, and thinks our social life should consist of taking his mother out for dinner once a week. Any suggestions?
Signed,
Ready for Romance
Dear Ready,
Thanks for your question. In just a few words, you've beautifully summed up what many women -- and men -- long for as their marriages mature; a rekindling of connection, romance and a desire to make the "Retirement" chapter of their lives one that includes creating new, shared discoveries.
On the one hand, your husband may be living out his dream. Playing golf and having few demands on his time may be what he has fantasized about for years, as he put in long hours and "paid his dues" to support his family. You can't fault him for wanting to live the life he imagined.
At the same time, these are also your golden years, and now that your hubby is around more, it's perfectly fair for you to want to have some new experiences with him!
I am going to encourage you to lovingly speak your mind -- or more accurately, your heart. Instead of approaching your husband about how bored and unhappy you are, start by sharing the things you have done together that you enjoy.
Then, let him know what you imagined your retired life together would look like, focusing on two or three specific activities you'd love to do together. Avoid rambling; try to get to the bottom line quickly: "Sweetheart, I love that we've been talking walks in the evening. I really enjoy that time with you. I've been wondering if you'd be willing to try a couple of other new activities, like maybe taking bridge lessons together, or joining a travel club. What do you think?"
The clearer you are about what you want, and the less your words are tinged with resentment and disappointment, the greater your chances are of getting him to step out of his comfort zone so that he wants to offer you more.
In addition, you may also consider taking a stab at golf, since it's clearly something he's passionate about. The goal here is for each of you to come toward the other, exploring current interests you have while making room for things neither of you has yet explored.
By understanding that you each have valid dreams, and emphasizing the positive reasons that you want to forge new paths with your husband -- rather than complaining about how he's been disappointing you -- you may awaken something in him that gets excited about creating new adventures with his gal.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
Since he retired, my husband plays a lot of golf, and thinks our social life should consist of taking his mother out for dinner once a week. Any suggestions?
Signed,
Ready for Romance
Dear Ready,
Thanks for your question. In just a few words, you've beautifully summed up what many women -- and men -- long for as their marriages mature; a rekindling of connection, romance and a desire to make the "Retirement" chapter of their lives one that includes creating new, shared discoveries.
On the one hand, your husband may be living out his dream. Playing golf and having few demands on his time may be what he has fantasized about for years, as he put in long hours and "paid his dues" to support his family. You can't fault him for wanting to live the life he imagined.
At the same time, these are also your golden years, and now that your hubby is around more, it's perfectly fair for you to want to have some new experiences with him!
I am going to encourage you to lovingly speak your mind -- or more accurately, your heart. Instead of approaching your husband about how bored and unhappy you are, start by sharing the things you have done together that you enjoy.
Then, let him know what you imagined your retired life together would look like, focusing on two or three specific activities you'd love to do together. Avoid rambling; try to get to the bottom line quickly: "Sweetheart, I love that we've been talking walks in the evening. I really enjoy that time with you. I've been wondering if you'd be willing to try a couple of other new activities, like maybe taking bridge lessons together, or joining a travel club. What do you think?"
The clearer you are about what you want, and the less your words are tinged with resentment and disappointment, the greater your chances are of getting him to step out of his comfort zone so that he wants to offer you more.
In addition, you may also consider taking a stab at golf, since it's clearly something he's passionate about. The goal here is for each of you to come toward the other, exploring current interests you have while making room for things neither of you has yet explored.
By understanding that you each have valid dreams, and emphasizing the positive reasons that you want to forge new paths with your husband -- rather than complaining about how he's been disappointing you -- you may awaken something in him that gets excited about creating new adventures with his gal.
Yours in parenting support,
AdviceMama
AdviceMama, Susan Stiffelman, is a licensed and practicing psychotherapist and marriage and family therapist. She holds a Bachelor of Arts in developmental psychology and a Master of Arts in clinical psychology. Her book, Parenting Without Power Struggles, is available on Amazon. Sign up to get Susan's free parenting newsletter.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 3)
11-21-2010 @ 11:09AM
Paula said...My hubby retired after 37 years with the same company. He worked long hours all of his career. I wondered how it would be when he retired. I must say..it was great. We did several projects around the house, then took a 3 week road trip to places we had never been...It was wonderful...then about 6 months after he retired, he went back to work as a consultant. He has been doing that for almost a year now, and it works well. He still works for the same company..gets paid a great salary..we still get to travel pretty much when we want to..and I have a bit more of his time since he takes week days off now sometimes too...we always have long weekends to do small getaway trips..so all in all..it is good!
11-20-2010 @ 9:11PM
pacrimco said...Stop whining. You got this jerk , warts and all, when you married him. He probably plays golf because it gives him time with pals and away from you. Find some things that you enjot doing on your own. I noticed that you didn't mention sex, so I'm guessing that you are both "retired" from that activity as well. If you want to spend more time together, first find out if that's what he wants as well because you're not going to teach that old dog new tricks at this time in your lives. I've been married for 48 years and play golf regularly. By mutual choice, my wife has always had her "own life." We enjoy three kinds of activities: hers, mine and ours. Unfortunately, advancing age has significantly affected our sexual relationship. Now it's mostly memories but they are good ones. My advice to you is "Get a life," the sooner the better. And believe it or not, a man can play just so much golf. Be smart enough to wait for that time and then let the relationship just flow. Don't try to make it happen, just let it happen.
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 9:28PM
Skipper said...WOW from what I am reading it is all his fault, or at least most of you seem to think that way. As a wife, really former wife, of a man that retired and then ended up in a rut, let me tell you something. Perhaps he was not really ready to give up the work a day routine so soon. All at once he is at loose ends. Just what is the wife doing, other then complaining and feeling sorry for herself, to help him find another interest, something else besides golf. Perhaps a part time job...for pay or volunteer? For cryingout loud, do not take up golf, it is his only break from the wife after how many years of work, without her there? I suggest that she try to get to really know the man that he is now as he is not the same person that she married. Instead of it all being about her and her wants, she needs to find out what he wants and would like. Hate to say it, but it may be that he no loger feels for her as he once did now that it is a 24 hour a day relationship. He is not the only one that changed,m does she really think that she is the same person that he married............I hope that she figures it out before they end up paying lawyers. PS I would also rather have a good friend then a romance.
Almost forgot, these darn questions are so one sided, how about comments from the other party in the mix??
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 9:33PM
Olivia said...I have the opposite problem he retired and now wants to return to work and he is going too. He has treated me awful since he retired and is detached. No love , sex or even acknowledging me. Its awful.
Reply
11-21-2010 @ 4:09AM
JLS said...Olivia,
It's heartbreaking, I know. I have lived that from my own husband. I often thought I could be dead weeks and he wouldn't notice me. I finally brought it all up to him and we saw TWO very bad marriage counselors. We both agreed they were bad but little by little pushed ahead on our own and it is better. Slow going but definitely better enough for me to have hope. Perhaps he doesn't know what you need in the marriage and he thinks this is enough. Tell him you need to speak to him at length and with privacy and then tell him you still love him enough to want to be close to him-it's a good thing after all these years. That's a great way to impart to him you need love and sex with him. You can work this out. Being ignored hurts more than anything. It's also disrespectful to both of you. You do have the strength to head toward a better life. I just know it. Good luck.
11-20-2010 @ 9:41PM
Indy_Pen_Dent said...We've been married over 40 years. Although we sleep in the same bed, we haven't had sex in 15 years. Prior to that, sex was a great thing in our life. As we had children & grandchildren, I became less important in her life. When I was younger, I told her that when I retired, I would be playing a lot of golf. She got into the game for a number of years and made some great friendships and did Florida every year with these friends. We've been going to dinner with them for nearly 20 years (and still do). She's now given up golf and has refused to go to Florida the last few years. (I still go). She complained that all we do is play golf DAH! Now in my retirement, I play golf with my friends and have resigned that sex with her is just good memories. I firmly believe that her job in life is to "Bitch" about everything, and my job in retirement is to give her a reason to bitch. I can't change her and she can't change me. We go through life having oral sex as we pass each other in the hall. She says F&*#_You and I say bl%w_me and we get along just fine. I believe that I married her in good times & bad times. Isn't life wonderful!
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11-21-2010 @ 3:33AM
lindsey said...you are funny. But I think you & wife need to go talk to someone like a therapist. And maybe ask her what she wants to do. Maybe golf isn't her thing.
11-21-2010 @ 3:59AM
JLS said...Counseling. Get some. This is not a good deal for you or her. Marriage is solidified with intimacy and you aren't getting any. Intimacy does come in many forms but you two aren't doing any of them. I've been married for 40 years. Sex is a connection. It also makes you softer to each other and more giving. Spending time you can share things you don't with others is also a great form of intimacy.
I have been in your place but didn't just settle. At the 35 year mark I raised my hand and told him what I thought of the marriage as it stood. It worked. I wish you well. You can't imagine how much better it can be. Talk to her about it. Good luck.
11-20-2010 @ 10:02PM
Don Ameche said...Marriage is not a word- It's a sentence....
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 11:09PM
Suzie said...To all you ladies complaining about your retired husbands playing golf and having no spice in your life, I say GET A LIFE! At least he comes home to you every day after his golf game. My husband died shortly after he retired. We had no wonderful retirement time together. My so-called "golden years" are now spent taking care of my aging mother. Be grateful that you are not a widow.
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11-20-2010 @ 11:09PM
Sandy Messer said...I believe that this gal's husband should weigh in on this situation. I know that men and women think so differently, so her husband may view this situation unlike his wife. Would her learning to play golf be something she should do, and would it make her husband cringe or love the idea?
Both spouses should be happy (and content) in his retirement. While there is of course compromise, if there is communication from both sides. and both spouses are sensitive to the others needs (and even wants) his retirement should be a non-issue.
His retirement - and even hers - is just another part of the life cycle.
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11-20-2010 @ 11:19PM
Steven R. Russell said...Make sure you know Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, and then start growing in Him by reading and studying God's Word the Bible, and fellowshiping with other believers at a Bible preaching Church.
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11-20-2010 @ 11:20PM
Kathryn said...My husband retired 4 years ago and just sat in front of the TV all day. I was still working at the time. He would be in the same chair when I left for work as he was in when I got home. After some depression we figured out he needed to go back to work and I retired. I am a self starter and have plenty to do. When he finally retires we will have a plan in place of responsibilities for him to take care of around the house and yard. If he falls back into his old pattern he will either do volunteer work or get a patr time job. He'll be 69 next year but I prefer he work as long as he can.
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11-20-2010 @ 11:55PM
John said...Get a life. I am a retired executive, and father of 10 fantastic
children, married 53 years ago and made the decision after retirement
20 years ago, to enter the holy priesthood in the Eastern Catholic
(orthodox) church. We became a no paid pastor of a church (still am)
and then decided to spend the past 20 years not only serving God in
the church, but "living the life of Jesus" in the community by
volunteering our leisure time managing and coaching football to a
couple of hundred kids from 7 to 14 years old six days a week. It has
been one of the "best times" in my life. My wife approves and all of
our children and our grandchildren approve of our involvement. It is
not a "piece of cake", its tough! We get a lot of static from many
parents! Trust me we have millions of kids in society who are really
messed up! It's about time my fellow pastors and priests, get off their
butts and off of the podium and not only "preach the word" but live
the word! Ministering to these young lads in our communities. Many of
these kids do not know the meaning of discipline and hard work! But, if
they hang in there with our youth athletic program their live change
for the better. Many of us retired executive have a lot to offer to
these young folks especially when it comes to not only teaching these kids
about the x and o's of football but how to live out "life skills" of
discipline, hard work, commitment, responsibility, teamwork, goal
setting, respect for authority, integrity character, moral values,
leadership etc. that they will need to be our country's future
teachers, doctors, military members, executives, blue and white collar
worker, retail executives, police officers, firemen, politicians,
pastors, lawyers, carpenters, etc. Cut some of your golf time and give
back to your family and community. Volunteer your leisure time to
ministering to Christ's hungry, sick, poor, needy and dying. The
kids of our communities in America... Fr. John
Reply
11-21-2010 @ 12:10AM
Brian Workman said...Take up golf, and go with your husband, and keep an eye on him!!!!
Reply
11-21-2010 @ 1:13AM
Michael said...She needs to learn to do a littel felatio to keep his attention
Reply
11-21-2010 @ 4:13AM
JLS said...He needs to do her, that's the problem. She isn't going to feel better by doing something to please him sexually. That IS THE PROBLEM lol. It's all about HIM.
11-21-2010 @ 1:45AM
bob said...I am glad to see there are a few smart people on these blogs,,for the rest of you the doctor smacked you to hard at birth or tried to stuff you back one,,,maybe momma was on drugs....
Reply
11-21-2010 @ 2:11AM
Carroll said...I worked hard for 35 years, and then I retired. My wife and I had been married just out of high school. But she developed diabetes and other problems. I devoted my life to her, and.........she died on me. I feel somewhat shortchanged. We didn't get to do all of the things that I had imagined we would do. Those are the things that kept me working a low paying job for so many years. I can't help it. I don't feel that my years of hard work paid off as they were supposed to do.
Reply
11-21-2010 @ 2:51AM
Carolyn said...Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "Pickup your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, the Government has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about BP, Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.
I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......
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