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Nervous Breakdown? When You're a Single Parent, That's Just Not an Option
Filed under: Single Parenting, Opinions
Illustration by Dori Hartley
My 12-year-old daughter is finally at the age where, if I have to make a quick run to the store, I can leave her alone in the apartment with a modicum of confidence.
She's got her phone, her common sense and plenty of things to keep her occupied. She knows the rules, doesn't answer the door for strangers and resists engaging in wild, drunken parties with the cats. When I leave, I say my "Single Parent Prayer," which sounds something like, "Please don't let me get killed while I'm outside. Or, at least, if I do get killed, let me come back from the dead to protect my child. Thanks."
This parenting plea is just part of who I am now.
Last week, when my girl came down with a tummy virus and needed to stay home, she told me she was worried she'd be penalized for lateness if her homework wasn't in on time. It was still early in the morning, so I offered to run the completed assignment over to the school, along with the doctor's note that would excuse her from class. Before I hit the road, I promised I'd be back in a flash.
That was the plan. And a good plan it was ... until my tire exploded on the highway.
While waiting for roadside assistance to show up, I called my daughter, only to discover her phone was turned off. So, there I was, standing in the pouring rain, stuck on the interstate. I couldn't get in touch with my child, I had no idea how long this was going to take and, at this point, my stress-o-meter was reading way past "cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."
Good thing I have friends to check in on her. Oh, wait. I don't. All my friends are hundreds of miles away. But that's OK, because I've got family nearby. Oh, wait. I don't. My only family is in California. No prob. I've got coworkers. Oh, wait. I'm a freelance writer; I have one coworker -- my computer.
The only person I could rely upon was myself, and I was soaked, stressed and completely alone. Three hours later, when the guy finally showed up and put the fragile spare tire on my car, he gave me a stern warning: "Don't drive any faster than 40, and get it replaced as soon as possible ... Or else!"
By this point, I was so stressed out and neurotic that I was scared to drive with the spare. I needed to get to the shop, but what about my kid? She had to be wondering where I was.
Finally, she sent me a text: "Mom, there's a bug in the house. Please come home soon and kill it."
Relief. She was alive, and her biggest concern was a bug in the house. I returned her text, telling her I had car trouble and I'd be home ASAP.
I hopped into my meltdown mobile, my mind about three seconds away from snapping, and inched it all the way to the auto repair shop while folks sped past me, honking.
In my trunk sat the shredded tire on a rim, which, I believed, was now garbage. So, on the way, I chucked it in a dumpster. Apparently, throwing one's rim out is a not a good idea, and, to add to my anxiety, I got to be chuckle-material over at the auto shop, where, amidst the laughter, I also could hear the grating chimes of ka-ching.
About four hours later, I returned home. My child? She was fine. And the cats? They hadn't partied too hard. But I know my kid, and as soon as I opened the door, I asked her the $64,000 question: "Where is it?" I might have been Homework Delivering Mom when I left, but now I was The Exterminator.
My daughter looked over at Sugar, our fat and lovely cat, winced, and admitted the bug-killing Tabby had already taken care of business. After a couple of good, deep breaths, I realized that even though it had been a rough day, it was just another day in the life. And although part of me wanted a nice, long, self-indulgent cry, I really didn't want to trip my kid out with my problems.
Still, I couldn't stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. I went to the kitchen to prepare her something to eat, looked at her and said, "Sometimes it's hard being a grownup. And, at times, it's really hard to do it all."
Relieved that I was home, but sad to see me cry, she said, "But, Mom, doesn't it make you happy that you can do it all? You should be proud of yourself for being that strong."
That's the kind of stuff that makes it all worthwhile: the little moments when you realize your child actually acknowledges that you are human.
I've heard people say things like, "This is going to be the death of me" or " I can't do this anymore" or "I'm going to have a nervous breakdown." No, it's not, and yes, you can.
And the whole idea of having a nervous breakdown? That's an indulgence reserved for people who can afford to freak out, people without responsibility, people who don't have a child depending on them for, well, everything.
Balancing the hardships of life and staying somewhat cool for your kids is tough enough, but you have no idea how tough it is until you've walked a wet mile in the shoes of a single parent who has no assistance, no baby-sitters, no after-care or relief plan, no friends in the area and no family member in the vicinity who can simply take over, even for an hour.
Those of us who do it all -- and, believe me, there are plenty of us -- we simply don't have time for nervous breakdowns.
I survived cancer and took care of my child throughout the entire process. I was uprooted from my home and moved to a place where I had no friends or family and I continued to take care of my child, day in and day out. I lost one career and started another. Still, I took care of my girl.
Every single day of my life is spent in work and struggle -- just like everybody else -- but, as a single parent, I'm doing it alone, without help.
I'm doing it to keep my daughter healthy, safe, clothed, educated and fed. Oh, believe me, I would gladly welcome help. I wish I had some crazy huge inheritance or a magic trust fund. As it stands, Ellen DeGeneres hasn't shown up at my door with a new car -- or even a new tire, for that matter. And Oprah Winfrey's never offered to buy me a home. It's just me, doing it all.
But one thing I don't lack for is love -- my heart is covered. I've got lots of love in my house.
So, nervous breakdown? Sorry. Not an option. Not on my watch. And my watch is 24/7.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 3)
11-09-2010 @ 3:37PM
LC said...This is a great insight for people who have help, but you really should work on getting a network of people together for you and your daughter's sake in your new city. I am glad that you are doing well, but a safety net of people to count on is not a weakness.
Just a thought, if I were you I would look into taking a class on automotive care. I am sorry but at your age if you don't know how to change a tire or to not throw away the rim, you probably ought to learn basic car maintance or learn to rely on public transportation. Check out the local vocational school for an adult class, a driver's education program, even self educating books or heck if you have to, pay a mechanic to teach you, learn how to change a tire, check your fluids, tire pressure, etc. If you had that training you might have known your tire was in bad condition.
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11-10-2010 @ 8:35AM
Mom said...BIG DEAL.....EVERY PARENT SINGLE OR NOT....Is under a lot of stress...Just the words "SINGLE MOM" shows weakness! Why do you choose to wear a label?
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11-15-2010 @ 4:43PM
Bennette said...BIG DEAL??? Are you kidding me??? No the title "Single Mom" is not a sign of weakness you insensitive idiot!!!!!!! It is a sign of strength, it's a sign of courage and endurance. Instead of being cruel, why don't you insensitive people try to help the situation by offering to help a single mom out once in a while. I raised two kids from ages 2 and 4 and now they are both in college, ALL MY MYSELF!!! and not by choice!! by an unfortunate divorce . . .
12-14-2010 @ 4:39PM
Carole said...Whine, whine, whine. Are you a single parent by choice? Then get over it.
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11-11-2010 @ 3:54PM
Nicole said...Wow, women can be so mean to one another. Who is a single parent by choice? Who would rather have ALL of the responsibility and HALF of the money by choice? I am a single parent because my lying, cheating, husband was spending all my money and I figured I'd be better off without him. It was a choice I made and I turned out to be right. If he had not forced me to make this choice, I'd have stayed married and I wouldn't have had to throw him out and raise our daughter alone.
It's a tough thing to do to raise a child alone. This woman was just writing about what it is like. What does it matter if it was her choice to be single? Most people make this choice because they HAVE to. The least we can do as women is support one another.
To the author: Keep the faith. Find some good friends who will be there for you and keep teaching your daughter about being a strong independent woman.
11-13-2010 @ 11:19PM
MIeoux said...Keep it up Dori! Good job!
Ignore the idiots on here who instead of dealing with why they hate their own lives so much they try to dump on others.
11-09-2010 @ 4:24PM
LT said...LC, why are you assuming that her tire shredded because of her neglect to inspect it periodically? Perhaps her tire was one of the many that sit aging in warehouses and then are sold to unsuspecting consumers. One of the major news media did a segment on that last year.
Your suggestion about an auto maintenance course was a valid one.Since she is a single parent (I've been there and survived), she will have to take her daughter with her, which could be a good thing.
Hopefully it will be free or low-cost.
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11-09-2010 @ 4:56PM
TINA said...Bravo to you single Mom!! You are so right how many of us are out there could never be counted. Because we chose to beat all the odds regardless of illnesses and yes I am a survivor as well. How hard it is to let go sometimes and leave them at home even for a little while its exhausting? But somehow we manage to put everything in its proper place and at the end of the day we did what was most important to us. Only to start all over again the next day, I always called it my purpose in life and certainly my responsibility. We make up a prayer and give it to God and he knows who we are and works with us many a times. The good news is when they become young adults they don't forget how they got there. Especially since we did it alone one way or another and they are aware of the days we got stuck in the rain. They learn from us and hoping their lives will be better than ours one day so they too can become independent and responsible in all aspects. I believe there is a place in heaven for people who give so much to others in a lifetime. No, there is no room for a nervous breakdown even if it did cross our minds once or twice. We have a job to do and we simply accept this as our fate and get the job done right!
Blessing! Tina (Mom of 2 daughters)
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11-09-2010 @ 4:57PM
Jacquie said...I actually found myself crying when I read this. I'm a single mom of two boys. I just wish I had time for a nervous breakdown. Whew! It's nice to know that there is someone out there like me. Sometimes its so overwhelming but as many people have said before, it builds character and you truly are a strong person. I just wish I had a little less character building somedays.
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11-09-2010 @ 6:27PM
Julie O'Brien said...As the mother of five children, all whom have recently moved on to college, graduate school, or real life, I really appreciate this article. There was a time when I was a single mother of two young boys. However, I read this with a sense of real gratitude. Our family life certainly has been full of wonderful times and times of hardships and even true tragedy. Our oldest child, confident beyond his years, has lived in several places, currently in Germany, used to ask, "why do you continue to live in that small town. You could live anywhere in the world?" I would just smile and tell him that he would sometime understand. There is something very comforting to know that our children have attended the same schools that my husband and I had and the ones in which their grandparents and aunts have taught. As time has gone on, I am increasingly appreciative that our large extended families all live within a mile of our home. If any one of the kids got stuck at the ballfield without a ride home (no cell phones then), there was always someone we could feel comfortable asking. Clearly, at times, the kids regretted our small town living very much since there was nothing, as far as I know, that they did without someone letting me know. To add insult to injury, my husband and I both have been public officials. Our children were known in our town and also in the small surrounding towns. They really felt as though we all were in a fish bowl.
So many times throughout the years, I felt I could easily have a mental breakdown. This article reminds me how fortunate I am, though, that they was always someone to break my fall, My husband came into our lives when the second child was almost 2 years and about a year after the divorce from an abusive marriage. I have absolutely no doubt that he was a Godsend.
As tough as life has been at times, and though there will always be issues going on with extended families, I am so truly so thankful and that will be part of me from now on. I will be thinking often of Dori and hope that she will soon be able to have a positive and hopeful mantra as part of her life.
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11-28-2010 @ 5:53AM
Bubby said...This is an ignorant statement- "And the whole idea of having a nervous breakdown? That's an indulgence reserved for people who can afford to freak out, people without responsibility, people who don't have a child depending on them for, well, everything." As if mental illness was an indulgence. Who can afford to "freak out?" There are plenty of people who suffer with mental illness, whether acute or chronic, who have responsibilities and people to care for in their lives.
This column smacks of martyrdom, and it's not an attractive quality.
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11-09-2010 @ 7:21PM
Tara said...I agree with you Bubby. Mental illness is not a choice. And for the writer, I do feel sorry for you if you are all alone and for whatever reasons you cannot change the fact that you are isolated without friends and family, I have a hard time believing you have no choice.
11-09-2010 @ 6:27PM
joe maney said...WHERE IS THE FATHER OF THIS CHILD? IF HE IS DEAD , THEN I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU. IF NOT AND YOU CHOSE SINGLE PARENTHOOD WHAT ARE YOU CRYING ABOUT. YOU WANTED A CHILD, AND THIS IS WHAT GOES WITH IT. HOW MANEY MORE SELF CHOICE SINGLE PARENTS AND THEIR SOB STORYS ARE WE TO HERE FROM. THIS IS WHY WEELFARE IS SO OUT OF CONTROL, WHEATHER YOUR ON IT OR NOT. THERE ARE 1000,S WHO ARE. AND I AM SICK OF PAYING FOR THEM EVERY WEEK, WHEN I LOOK AT MY CHECK.......
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11-09-2010 @ 7:04PM
Alicia said...You know nothing about her life. You judge her without knowing if she chose. If her daughter's father walked out, there's not much she can do. If he was abusive, is she supposed to just stay? She's a hero for raising her daughter as best she can, all alone. Until you've been there, or watched your single mother give up everything for you, then you'll never understand, so shove it.
11-09-2010 @ 8:01PM
Tricia said...Where is the father of this child? If he is dead, then I feel sorry for you. If not, and you chose single parenthood, what are you crying about? You wanted a child and this is what goes with it. How many more self choice (WHAT?) single parents and their sob stories are we to hear from? This is why welfare is so out of control , whether you're on it or not. There are 1,000's who are and I am sick of paying for them every week. When I look at my check.....
Your response is rude, ignorant, uninformed, and unintelligible.
In this day and age everyone knows that it is considered rude to type in all caps.
If English isn't your native language, type your reply in a blank Word document and run a spell check prior to posting.
People hope with all their hearts that their marriage will work and, unfortunately, that doesn't happen as much as we wish it would. Are you advocating that a person stay with a spouse who lies, cheats, steals, gambles, drinks to excess, or is abusive just because there is a child? Yes, it is incredibly difficult to be a single parent, but we also hear about a number of other populations who have what could be considered sob stories. Try to have a little empathy for those who are in trying circumstances. I know a lot of people and not a single one of them has a perfect life. Your comment about welfare being out of control whether you're on it or not makes no sense no matter how many times I read it... We are not living in a perfect world and all we can do is our best.
11-09-2010 @ 10:42PM
Tara said...I do not think most people choose to be single parents, but you have to agree this writer sounds like a little bit like a jerk.
11-17-2010 @ 12:15AM
Jennifer said...Tricia, you shouldn't have corrected that idiot's spelling. It was horrendous and showed their level of intelligence.
11-09-2010 @ 7:14PM
Charlotte7224 said...Been there! now my 2 are 21 (already moved out & independent)
& soon to be 18yr old! I do have a husband, but he was never interested in parenting, & opted to take a job that keeps him gone 9 months out of the year. No family to depend on, no time to form a social circle, not that there'd be time or money for one. its just me, myself & I ... its tough, lots of late night weeps, but you pull it together, & start over the next morning. Now, with it almost over, its a sweet relief, mixed with sadness. Relief that I've almost reached the end with 2 healthy well adjusted good kids, & sadness that they're moving on, strong, & with the self realization they can do it too!!! My son calls nearly every day, to say "hi" & check in, its one of my daily highlights!
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11-13-2010 @ 7:23PM
lulu10 said...Charlottte we are living parallel lives! Myl boys are 21, 20 and 17, and my husband has a job that has kept us apart for 27 of the last 36 months...am living 1500 miles away from my nearest family, and am just now seeing a bit of light at the end of the tunnel as the older two are in college, and baby is in Grade 11..Sometimes, specially when my dh first went away to work and they were all in high school, between teenage angst, one wild party when I made the mistake of going to a movie alone on a Sat. nite, one totalled SUV..(no one was hurt) ...never ending laundry and monster grocery bills I would find it hard to breathe, let alone sleep!!! (What doesn.t kill us makes us stronger my mum says..Good Luck!! God Bless Dori...it gets easier..
11-09-2010 @ 7:53PM
joe maney said...ALICIA
MY STATEMENT WAS THAT SHE DOESN,T MENTION ANYWHEAR IN HER SHORT STORY ANYTHING ABOUT THE FATHER OR ALL THE EXAMPLES YOU SAID. SO IT IS SAFE TO SAY THAT SHE CHOOSE TO HAVE A CHILD WITHOUT A FATHER IN THE PICTURE AND NOW WANTS TO CRY.
HOW MANEY WOMEN HAVE YOU SEEN WITH 2 SMALL CHILDREN 1 IN EACH HAND AND ONE IN THE OVEN. AND A HAND FULL OF WIC CHECKS, AND THEN HAVE THE NERV TO BOAST THAT THE KIDS HAVE 3 DIFFERENT FATHERS.
IF YOUR WORKING IT MUST MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD TO KNOW THAT YOUR PAYING FOR THEM WHILE THEY ARE HOME . AND THE ONLY THING THEIR WORKING ON IS A FOURTH...... SO SWALLOW THAT......
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