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Nervous Breakdown? When You're a Single Parent, That's Just Not an Option
Filed under: Single Parenting, Opinions
Illustration by Dori Hartley
My 12-year-old daughter is finally at the age where, if I have to make a quick run to the store, I can leave her alone in the apartment with a modicum of confidence.
She's got her phone, her common sense and plenty of things to keep her occupied. She knows the rules, doesn't answer the door for strangers and resists engaging in wild, drunken parties with the cats. When I leave, I say my "Single Parent Prayer," which sounds something like, "Please don't let me get killed while I'm outside. Or, at least, if I do get killed, let me come back from the dead to protect my child. Thanks."
This parenting plea is just part of who I am now.
Last week, when my girl came down with a tummy virus and needed to stay home, she told me she was worried she'd be penalized for lateness if her homework wasn't in on time. It was still early in the morning, so I offered to run the completed assignment over to the school, along with the doctor's note that would excuse her from class. Before I hit the road, I promised I'd be back in a flash.
That was the plan. And a good plan it was ... until my tire exploded on the highway.
While waiting for roadside assistance to show up, I called my daughter, only to discover her phone was turned off. So, there I was, standing in the pouring rain, stuck on the interstate. I couldn't get in touch with my child, I had no idea how long this was going to take and, at this point, my stress-o-meter was reading way past "cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."
Good thing I have friends to check in on her. Oh, wait. I don't. All my friends are hundreds of miles away. But that's OK, because I've got family nearby. Oh, wait. I don't. My only family is in California. No prob. I've got coworkers. Oh, wait. I'm a freelance writer; I have one coworker -- my computer.
The only person I could rely upon was myself, and I was soaked, stressed and completely alone. Three hours later, when the guy finally showed up and put the fragile spare tire on my car, he gave me a stern warning: "Don't drive any faster than 40, and get it replaced as soon as possible ... Or else!"
By this point, I was so stressed out and neurotic that I was scared to drive with the spare. I needed to get to the shop, but what about my kid? She had to be wondering where I was.
Finally, she sent me a text: "Mom, there's a bug in the house. Please come home soon and kill it."
Relief. She was alive, and her biggest concern was a bug in the house. I returned her text, telling her I had car trouble and I'd be home ASAP.
I hopped into my meltdown mobile, my mind about three seconds away from snapping, and inched it all the way to the auto repair shop while folks sped past me, honking.
In my trunk sat the shredded tire on a rim, which, I believed, was now garbage. So, on the way, I chucked it in a dumpster. Apparently, throwing one's rim out is a not a good idea, and, to add to my anxiety, I got to be chuckle-material over at the auto shop, where, amidst the laughter, I also could hear the grating chimes of ka-ching.
About four hours later, I returned home. My child? She was fine. And the cats? They hadn't partied too hard. But I know my kid, and as soon as I opened the door, I asked her the $64,000 question: "Where is it?" I might have been Homework Delivering Mom when I left, but now I was The Exterminator.
My daughter looked over at Sugar, our fat and lovely cat, winced, and admitted the bug-killing Tabby had already taken care of business. After a couple of good, deep breaths, I realized that even though it had been a rough day, it was just another day in the life. And although part of me wanted a nice, long, self-indulgent cry, I really didn't want to trip my kid out with my problems.
Still, I couldn't stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. I went to the kitchen to prepare her something to eat, looked at her and said, "Sometimes it's hard being a grownup. And, at times, it's really hard to do it all."
Relieved that I was home, but sad to see me cry, she said, "But, Mom, doesn't it make you happy that you can do it all? You should be proud of yourself for being that strong."
That's the kind of stuff that makes it all worthwhile: the little moments when you realize your child actually acknowledges that you are human.
I've heard people say things like, "This is going to be the death of me" or " I can't do this anymore" or "I'm going to have a nervous breakdown." No, it's not, and yes, you can.
And the whole idea of having a nervous breakdown? That's an indulgence reserved for people who can afford to freak out, people without responsibility, people who don't have a child depending on them for, well, everything.
Balancing the hardships of life and staying somewhat cool for your kids is tough enough, but you have no idea how tough it is until you've walked a wet mile in the shoes of a single parent who has no assistance, no baby-sitters, no after-care or relief plan, no friends in the area and no family member in the vicinity who can simply take over, even for an hour.
Those of us who do it all -- and, believe me, there are plenty of us -- we simply don't have time for nervous breakdowns.
I survived cancer and took care of my child throughout the entire process. I was uprooted from my home and moved to a place where I had no friends or family and I continued to take care of my child, day in and day out. I lost one career and started another. Still, I took care of my girl.
Every single day of my life is spent in work and struggle -- just like everybody else -- but, as a single parent, I'm doing it alone, without help.
I'm doing it to keep my daughter healthy, safe, clothed, educated and fed. Oh, believe me, I would gladly welcome help. I wish I had some crazy huge inheritance or a magic trust fund. As it stands, Ellen DeGeneres hasn't shown up at my door with a new car -- or even a new tire, for that matter. And Oprah Winfrey's never offered to buy me a home. It's just me, doing it all.
But one thing I don't lack for is love -- my heart is covered. I've got lots of love in my house.
So, nervous breakdown? Sorry. Not an option. Not on my watch. And my watch is 24/7.
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ReaderComments (Page 3 of 3)
11-12-2010 @ 4:52PM
Stephanie said...Wow, Ladies....way to show this sister support.
Reply
11-14-2010 @ 8:15AM
KT said...I agree, these women are cruel and judgmental
11-14-2010 @ 12:59PM
corylynn said...Dori,
Good for you. I am single Mom also. Just remarkable what the human spirit can accomplish isnt it?
I wish I could apologize for all the negitive and petty remarks people said here. Its just people can be bored or insecure or just really selfish. To me its very disturbing how this essay creates anomisity among these free commenters.
I love your artwork and your writing. Thank you for sharing
Reply
11-16-2010 @ 11:05AM
Angie said...I cannot believe the number of people who CHOSE to read this article, then posted such nasty, judgmental, hateful comments. It's almost as if they searched for an article where they could vent their holier-than-thou attitudes. Pitiful.
I am a single parent by choice. (Cue the negative comments). However, I made that choice knowing that I was (reasonably) financially stable and had a backup system of wonderful friends and adopted family that I would be able to turn to for help. Now that my daughter is in pre-school, I'm also forming good friendships with the parents there, including a few other single moms, so the support system is growing. It takes a village. I don't always need help or ask for it, but just knowing it is there keeps the 'nervous breakdowns' at bay. Do I still have day-to-day worries? Of course. But I also know I'm raising a sweet, happy, bright, helpful, well-behaved little girl who brings infinite joy to not just me, but to all of her friends, teachers, surrogate grandparents and aunts & uncles. And I'm doing a better job than a lot of two-parent familes.
Reply
11-17-2010 @ 12:15AM
Jennifer said..."I cannot believe the number of people who CHOSE to read this article, then posted such nasty, judgmental, hateful comments. It's almost as if they searched for an article where they could vent their holier-than-thou attitudes. Pitiful."
I second that! It's amazing that some people are so unhappy with their own lives that they have to put others down in order to feel better.
I am a single mother (not by choice, by abandonment) and I have a wonderful support system. I cannot imagine doing this without any help, so the author has my complete respect and admiration! Keep up the good work and don't ever let the foul, hateful people bring you down!
11-15-2010 @ 12:14PM
micshys said...My daughter is a single parent not by choice...there are times when she is so discouraged and I admire her so because she keeps pushing on and never gives up. She understands that the father's relationship with the child has nothing to do with her...it belongs to them and she encourages a relationship for the child. If the child is 12 there is much they can do to help alleviate the stress on the mother. When my daughter was 10 I was in the hospital for some surgery. It was Thanksgiving when I cam home and my daughter had fixed an entire Thanksgiving dinner to surprise me. She did a great job and the Turkey was so good that it actually fell off the bones...If you are taking all the responsibility and not sharing some with the kids then I you are robbing them of self-respect.
Reply
11-15-2010 @ 4:22PM
Maggie said...A mental illness is not a choice, any more than people "choose" to "indulge" in cancer. Kudos for taking care of your daughter through stressful situations ... but please don't pat yourself on the back for your good mental health by putting down people who have the misfortune, through no fault of their own, to be seriously ill.
Reply
11-16-2010 @ 3:39PM
KBR said...She could have had the tire changes herself in cosiderably less than three (3!!!) hours. If you drive a car you should be able to change a tire and do the basic maintenance checks.
Reply
11-16-2010 @ 11:42PM
jane said...an indulgance? seriously GFY. anxiety, breakdowns, are mental illness and not a sign of weakness. and your kid is how old and you wont even cry in front of her? im not saying break down and sob in front of her all the time, but tears arent weakness. its normal and HEALTHY.
you sound like a stuck up brat andyou need to get off your high horse and be more responsible. you need to get more support for you and your kid. its not a weakness to have people around you. so work for it, support groups, church, your childs friends parents. meetup.com. wherever. be careful, but make friends. thats healthy and a good idea to rely on someone else ocassionally.
i cant believe 303 people are stupid enough to like this. seriously the author and those 303 people can go f themselves.
Reply
11-17-2010 @ 12:18PM
D said...Some of the comments here make me sad. Where is the compassion for people. This woman has not had an easy road, and has done all this for 12 yrs having fought cancer.. I have raised 2 daughters, one of which had leukemia at 14, and didn't have all the responsibilities of this parent because I had a husband who helped shoulder that. My mom raised 4 of us because it was better than staying in an abusive relationship with a man who wouldn't shoulder any of the burden. She went back to school, became a college professor, and took care of a sick mom dying with cancer. So, my hat is off to this strong woman.
Reply
11-17-2010 @ 12:27PM
D said...btw..all of you who wondered about where the father/husband is in Dori's life, you will find that answer in her story...Losing a Breast in a Body-Obsessed Culture.
Again, nothing but admiration for you Dori. May God Bless you and your precious daughter.
Reply
11-17-2010 @ 6:33PM
JL said...The real crux is that many single mothers--myself included--feel a crushing desperation from which there is no escape. Sometimes this is also true for single fathers (but not nearly as often thanks to male privelege). The pressures are relentless and intense, especially for those of us who are low income. Instead of collapsing, which is the biologically normal thing to do under such stress, our maternal drive keeps us putting one foot in front of the other, staggering forward. I'm sure the toll it takes on our bodies is enormous. When you are a low income single mom trying to take care of your children you will do anything to keep them okay, even to the point of challenging normal biological limits. I am a low income single mom of a significantly disabled child. I also care for two other disabled family members. I work full time at a very demanding job. My child's father hides his income in order to pay as little child support as possible. He is also too busy with his adolescent self-absorption to help much. Yet he always has time and money to go on vacations--several each year. I haven't had a vacation in 18 years. I can barely get through each day I'm so exhausted. But I do it because my daughter and my family needs me to and there's nobody else stepping up to the plate. If you write a facile, sarcastic, or otherwise clueless response to this then you are just publicly proving yourself to be hearltess, mean, and foolish.
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11-17-2010 @ 8:00PM
LAMom said...Amen, sister.
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11-18-2010 @ 11:03AM
Kim said...Dori - Thank you for sharing your story and being vulnerable to us all!
It is not for any of us to judge how your circumstances came to be. Rather than bashing and criticizing you with insensitive comments, compassion should be extended offering help or lending support and strength.
We all learn through experience.
Reply
11-20-2010 @ 8:05PM
Marty said...@Dori- I LOVED this article! I chuckled many times. If most readers would just calm down a bit and realize it was written with humor, while at the same time being very true to life.
@Sandy- I LOVED "why don't you direct your misplaced anger at the million of dead beat fathers who walk out on their families with out paying child support." This is so true!! Not just dads, many moms out there also but I personally think the dads might out number the moms. If more parents played the role of "PARENT" even when they were not living in the same household as the other parent and child, no one would be left to feel like a single parent.
Reply
12-15-2010 @ 4:49PM
Brigit said...This article made me cry (at work!). Thank you for sharing. I feel so overwhelmed, especially at this time of the year. But I struggle to appear cheerful and in control for my 9 yr old daughter. And yes, I chose to get a divorce from my drunken, abusive husband. But did I ask him to contribute nothing? It makes me feel less lonely to hear about others who struggle with 110% responsibilty. And if you cannot comprehend how hard it is to try to be a GOOD single parent, I echo the other person who said shove it.
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1-02-2011 @ 2:16PM
teima said...It is hard being a single parent with or without help, because we know the buck stops with us. For those of us that choose single parenthood or those that it was not by choice the duty is the same. I have my mother as support and I am eternaly greatful for her help. But she is in her seventies and can only do so much. I am in the sandwich generation that cares for both my parent and my children. You should try to build a network of friends with children or elderly neighbors. A good place to start is in school functions.
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1-18-2011 @ 3:24PM
bill said...Well said. I am the father of 2 girls whose mother walked out? and have no network either. Family is 2000 miles east and friends? not too social. I think i did walk through a nervous breakdown, but am still breathing. The BEATLES said it best All you need is LOVE, but it helps to have enough work too.
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10-05-2011 @ 4:08PM
pamela said...To the Mummy,
I am one of you, no help, no father, no family, and busy busy friends. I am so proud of you and all the other single parents doing this.
I had no idea I was so strong. But I feel it aging me...and I would really like a break thank you. :-) Often wish to create a communal living house for single parents....why are there not more of these???!!!!
I have several girlfriends going through this...are there any groups for women like us?
Reply