When Mom Has an Eating Disorder, Everybody Suffers

I grew up with an anorexic mom. She wasn't even 100 lbs when she had me 3 months early. All my life, she would barely eat one TINY meal a day, and then criticize me if I was hungry at all, or ate a normal amount of food...and god forbid I wanted seconds on anything. I refused to skip meals, mostly because I was going through growth spurts and hungry constantly. When my mom got up to 124 lbs (after 3 kids) she was so hard to live with. Everything was about how bad she looked, how much I weighed, (I have curvy hips and a large chest, and have never fit into anything less than a size 10 since puberty.) and how eating carbs or a potato was bad for you...I actually had to tell her potatoes are a vegetable, and she didn't believe me until I Googled it. She has never taken a nutrition or health class in her life, but of course, I, because I'm younger than her, don't know anything.

Now, I am overweight because of a medication I took, and my mom is very critical of every extra pound I have and brags about how tiny she is, because she starved herself to lose that 20 lbs.

The truth of the matter is, she is too thin, she smokes, she doesn't exercise, she won't drink water, and she lives off of junk food if she bothers to eat anything at all, and won't eat real food, and she won't even take a vitamin, and she doesn't have the strength to even carry one gallon of milk, because her body ate all her muscles. She shakes badly because she has chronic low blood sugar, and she blames her bad health on her seizures...but she doesn't realize the "epilepsy" is only because she doesn't eat, because her brain isn't getting proper nutrients. But you can't tell her that, because she thinks food is evil. If she would just eat normally, she would be fine, but instead she take anti-seizure medication she doesn't really need.

She looks twenty years older than she actually is because she is so gaunt and unhealthy looking...but to her, the less you weigh the healthier you are.

Honestly, she disgusts me and I can't stand to be around her, mostly because of her food issues and her attitude, but at least I eat like a normal person, and I have a healthy attitude about food. Not everyone who's mom is anorexic has a problem...some of us are perfectly normal. I may weigh an extra few pounds now, but I eat healthy, I exercise, I take vitamins, I drink ONLY water, and I don't care if I have an extra helping of fruit or vegetables, but I would rather be a little overweight than look like my mother.

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Wow, this is interesting. I was bulimic for six years, starting when I was 14. It wasn't until after I got into recovery (via a Twelve Step program) that I learned my mother had been bulimic for more than 20 years, and only stopped when she got pregnant with my brother, who is eight years younger than me. I was never consciously aware of my mother's disordered eating, but as Ms. Burman points out, I probably picked up on some of my mom's self-hatred and applied it to myself.

I'm grateful that now that I'm pregnant, I have 11 years of recovery under my belt. (I write a bit about my recovery on my Jumbling Towers marriage and mental illness blog, although I write more about how my husband's bipolar disorder has affected our marriage.)

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No question of the havoc a parent with an eating disorder/eating issues can wreak on her kids. One of my childhood friends had severe anorexia (several stays in hospitals, multiple suicide attempts) and it came out later her mother also had "eating issues."

2 of my adult friends have less serious "eating issues" but I am disturbed that one friend (an otherwise wonderful mother) forces her son to "clean his plate" and another friend is weight obsessed and purposely gained very little weight when pregnant (and not surprisingly gave birth to a baby under 5 pounds who required extra care at the hospital).

The best thing I could have ever done was to listen to my pediatrician and husband who strongly advised me to not make an issue out of food with my son (I was so focused on making sure he ate). Now our son is 8 years old and we never fight about what to eat and he truly listens to his body, eats a balanced diet, and stops eating when he's not hungry (I've always been very impressed with this). My 2 "eating issue" friends are also amazed at all the different foods my son is willing to try (their kids would never do this...). Parents need to stop this cycle for the sake of their kids....

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As the eating disorder expert interviewed for the article about Moms with Eating Disorders, I was misquoted and misrepresented in my discussion with the interviewer. I would like to take this opportunity to clarify and correct false statements.

First, it is misleading and incorrect to say that there are "many, many, many, many" moms with eating disorders.

• My sense is that there are a greater number of parents with eating disorders than people might expect, as eating disorders are not easily visible, and when past recoveries may not have been achieved, these disorders can persist and/or recur throughout life. In fact, clinical eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia) strike only 5% of the population…and a good percentage of that 5% would have recovered prior to parenthood. This point is not meant to negate the anguish, pain and isolation that parents suffer who do continue to harbor hidden eating disorders.


I believe it is critical for an article that speaks to moms with eating disorders to emphasize that parents are not the cause of their child’s eating disorder, whether or not they have an ED and they need not assume guilt or responsibility for so doing….

• ED are caused by genetics; by clusters of genes coming together to create the disorder. Environment factors may trigger ED onset, but not unless the child is born with a genetic propensity. In addition, and quite happily, even mothers who struggle with eating disorders themselves can create a home environment that teaches healthy attitudes and a healthy enough relationship with food that their children are likely to avoid developing an eating disorder.

• With regard to triggers, it is interesting to note that a far greater number of non-eating disordered moms who display garden-variety “disordered eating” behaviors (dieting, skipping meals, eating only when hungry, grazing, etc.) in front of their children, can also potentially contribute to the onset of a deadly eating disorder in the child with genetic susceptibility.

• For those parents who have brought their eating disorder into their adult life and roles, and for those who may develop an eating disorder in their adult years, it is important to recognize that it is never too late to recover. Eating disorders are not 100% curable, as the article says, but are 100% curable in 80% of cases.


Abigail Natenshon, MA, LCSW, GCFP www.empoweredparents.com.
Author of When Your Child Has an Eating Disorder and Doing What Works: an Integrative System for the Treatment of Eating Disorders from Diagnosis to Recovery.

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